Healing Through Acceptance

[John Bendix]

When I look at the process that I went through during the months of episodes with my X, I try to pinpoint just when did I begin to heal? When did I begin to see the end of my suffering?

 

I realized that I did want the events to be as they were unfolding. I wanted them to be different. I kept telling myself that this situation was unbelievable and surreal. And that it was too irrational to make sense of but that I was still trying. I was suffering. I had a constant buzz of uneasiness going through me. I was feeling sorry for my wife, my kids, and myself for having to go through this with no end in sight. My mind was constantly racing with thoughts.

 

I was sitting in my office at home and the light bulb in my head suddenly came on. I needed to accept what was happening to me. By not accepting, I was living in a delusion of emotions. I realized that I was creating these undesirable feelings in reaction to my situation. I was looking to past to figure out how to get the person that I once knew and loved, back. I looked to future to escape this unacceptable present situation that I was in. This too, I realized was a delusion, a delusion of time. The delusion being that I could do anything to help myself in these two imaginary time realms.

 

The incessant thinking that I was doing was always the same, over and over again. These thoughts were also creating the same emotional reactions that were extremely unpleasant. I realized that I needed to detach myself from these thoughts and feeling in order to see the way clear.

 

Anyone have a thought?

 

 

John

[OOHMY]

Smile more and take part in more activities that you would enjoy. Do something that will make you smile and make you happy.

 

Just run down the street naked. Don't be so serious!

[ashlyn82]

its like the book "the secret". I was thinking today that i was holding on to my pain on purpose. I feel like if i have pain then he's still alive in me, when in reality i have to power to make a choice and subside that pain. I don't know if you are spiritual but i like to say this prayer:

God, give us grace to accept with serenity

the things that cannot be changed,

Courage to change the things

which should be changed,

and the Wisdom to distinguish

the one from the other.

[just M.E.]

John,

I was lucky with acceptance as I lived through the demise of my marriage for 4 yrs, trying to come at an impossible situation with a new solution, every angle imaginable. I had filed for Legal Separation in Mar of 06 but we reconciled in June when he promised to quit drinking, so when he left this year at the end of May, I had a long period to deal with all this unpleasant reality.

 

Yes I railed against what had happened and I had hoped to find a way to keep alive. I say "I" in this, as it was a singular role, he wasn't involved or vested. So when he left, I had to accept and respect his decision even if I didn't respect how he handled it. I still feel that acceptance, I learned about 12 years ago that even when you really love someone, you will always have to repect the decisions they make for their life, even if you know it is destructive.

 

That was what I learned but reliving the lesson was still painful.

[surfjon]

John,

I went thru exactly these except I decided I'd do step #3 before step #2, except for that, I arrived at these waypoints right on schedule.............

[benga]

Yes.. I have been reading a lot of this as well. I have been through this rollercoaster and surprizingly, the anger phase came after a long time and lasted barely a week. Also, in my personal experience, I have been through the stages, but not necessarily in the same order. Its also very easy to go back and forth. Anger to depression, and back to anger and then to bargaining....... funny.. Human psychology is no errie and similar, even though we feel our own situation is so unique..

 

I am hovering between depression and acceptance and personally I think its a horrible place to be.

 

Typically a place where - You want it, but you know you can't have it....

 

Its supposed to be my 9 wedding anniversary tomorrow. Should I wish her well? Nothing sentimental or emotional, but just something to let her know that I will be thinking of her and our 15 year association. That she has my blessings and best wishes for future happiness?

 

Advice?

 

Cheers

Benga

[surfjon]

Benga,

I'm wrestling with this too.

 

December 3rd will be 20 years, I guess it still counts because we're only separated but I have no idea how to handle it. Maybe just ignore it is the best way, I mean I've tried to imagine what I'd say.......

 

"Happy Anniversary Baby!! Wish you hadn't moved out!!"

 

"Happy Anniversary!! Since you left me, it's been like a second honeymoon!"

 

" Happy Anniversary!! Did you spend it with someone you love??"

 

"Happy Anniversary!! Loved the view from the floor when you walked away!"

 

Aw screw it................

 

I'll probably go to a bar and try to forget.

[buckdawg]

John,

Thank you for posting this. Your post described exactly what I was going through when my wife first told me things were going to be different. Especially the feeling sorry for myself. I was so lost I didn't know which way was up. It wasn't until I decided to take matters into my own hands that I started to heal. And by 'taking matters into my own hands' i don't mean trying to control anything but rather look into myself and see what it was that was driving these emotions that were literally driving me crazy.

 

you put my thoughts down in a perfect way.