Worried about ex...he needs help

[salsabrosa]

I broke up with my ex of 4 years about 3 weeks ago simply because I was having a lot of doubts and did not feel the chemistry was right. We both still care a lot about each other. You can read the original post here: link removed

 

I started NC 2 weeks ago and have not heard from him. The last time I heard from him..he seemed to have come to acceptance about the breakup and I thought it was a sign that he was going to be okay and eventually heal.

 

My mom emailed him 2 days ago to ask how he was since she was worried about him (he always got along great with my parents). He emailed her back a very long and sad email.

 

It was an email full of self-hate and self-blame. Just to summarize, he said that even though i told him he is a great person with the biggest heart and that there was nothing wrong with him, he knows that the reason i broke up with him was because he is a timid person...never the leader of the conversation. He believes this because he says I told him a while back that I was drawn to extroverted people in general due to the fact that I am an introvert. He said that even though he has a good heart, no woman would ever fall in love with him because he lacks that quality that all women desire. He also feels this is why he was dumped in his previous relationships. (I think he just picked the wrong girls for the wrong reasons. I dont think they ever cared about him from the start from what he describes.)

 

At the end of the email he said that he found out a friend of his committed suicide 2 years ago and that something inside him was asking 'what was he waiting for?' to do the same and just end the pain.

 

I know my ex struggled a lot with low self-esteem during our relationship, but I dont believe he would do such a thing to himself. However, I dont want to take the email lightly.

 

I think he needs to seek help, but at this point Im afraid contacting him might make him feel worse! I feel like i need to help. He was my best friend and I hate to see him like this. My mom emailed him back...Im just waiting frantically for a response. I believe she was going to call a member of his congregation who was helping him out to let him know about the remarks regarding ending his life.

 

He really doesnt have many outlets. His parents are dead and his sister just went through a divorce. He does not have any close friends or family. He's been alone most of his life. I was the one who filled the void of his mothers death (she died when he was 20..he's now 31.). His father was verbally abusive, which is why he suffers from this constant low-self esteem and self-hate.

 

Im just not sure how to help....or whether i should.

[ftheunion]

He has been through some crap sounds like. He is the way he is because of an unbroken chain of previous causes. Plus confusion about the break up. He is 30 so dunno why he is acting as such.

 

But if you were the only fill to his void, then obviously he has lost everything. Intense. His sister aint too supportive maybe, but she is going through crap too, so he is on his own.

 

Maybe you being so nice is killing him. That's why the always talk about NC on here. No offense, but that church/religion doesn't have problem solving strategies I would say. I'd say don't contact him, cause if you a nice person, yet let him go, it will just cause dumb junk to happen.

 

I wouldn't suggest contacting him. Maybe it'll pass. If not, then would you miss him if he ends his life?

[mushmouth]

You were with this guy for 4 years and broke up because you felt the chemistry wasn't right? What was right for 4 years? Did the two of you work on the relationship? Did you voice your concerns throughout the relationship? Did the two of you actively monitor your progress?

[salsabrosa]

You were with this guy for 4 years and broke up because you felt the chemistry wasn't right? What was right for 4 years? Did the two of you work on the relationship? Did you voice your concerns throughout the relationship? Did the two of you actively monitor your progress?

 

I did...i know it sounds like a long time. But if you read the previous thread about the breakup and my doubts, we were in a long-distance relationship. I always voiced my doubts to him, but because there was always that distance factor, we always blamed it on that. I was also very young and this was my first relationship. I am 23 now and have a clearer understanding of why the relationship would not have worked.

 

I did always love him as a friend and still do.

[Shadows Light]

My mom emailed him 2 days ago to ask how he was since she was worried about him (he always got along great with my parents). He emailed her back a very long and sad email.

And... your mother forwarded this email to you... why? so you'd feel guilty? bad about breaking up with him?

 

It was an email full of self-hate and self-blame. Just to summarize, he said that even though i told him he is a great person with the biggest heart and that there was nothing wrong with him, he knows that the reason i broke up with him was because he is a timid person...never the leader of the conversation. He believes this because he says I told him a while back that I was drawn to extroverted people in general due to the fact that I am an introvert. He said that even though he has a good heart, no woman would ever fall in love with him because he lacks that quality that all women desire. He also feels this is why he was dumped in his previous relationships. (I think he just picked the wrong girls for the wrong reasons. I dont think they ever cared about him from the start from what he describes.)

 

Lord.. this sounds oh so familiar. OK.. so he's figured out his problem. Now whats he looking for... someone else to fix it for him???? its always someone elses problem or fault? Is he asking for idea's on how to fix these things in himself???? Nope. He's just putting on the "Whoa is me... no body loves me.. every body hates me" sad puppy dog face on.

 

 

At the end of the email he said that he found out a friend of his committed suicide 2 years ago and that something inside him was asking 'what was he waiting for?' to do the same and just end the pain.

 

This little tid-bit is most commonly referred to as EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL. Is there a hidden message in his email.. kind like, if you don't take me back, I'll kill myself type of thing... I've got nothing to live for since you've left me so I think I'm gonna do myself in. Don't you believe it. And don't take responsibilty for this one. I've been here before and have had this one pull on my heart strings a few times. Its not fair. Its dirty pool. Don't fall for it.

 

I know my ex struggled a lot with low self-esteem during our relationship, but I dont believe he would do such a thing to himself. However, I dont want to take the email lightly.

 

Any inkling out of you right now in that he's got you nibbling on this email.. and you'll be email bombed from all sides with sad puppy dog letters like this one until you capitulate.

 

 

I think he needs to seek help, but at this point Im afraid contacting him might make him feel worse! I feel like i need to help. He was my best friend and I hate to see him like this. My mom emailed him back...Im just waiting frantically for a response. I believe she was going to call a member of his congregation who was helping him out to let him know about the remarks regarding ending his life.

 

Well there you go. Thats the best you can do. Tell someone he knows about it. His family... or his congregation. Yes... he probably does need help. But you can't lead a horse to water and make him drink. He's gotta want to get help. And to him... all he might think he need is you back and everything would be wonderful. life would be rosey again.

 

He really doesnt have many outlets. His parents are dead and his sister just went through a divorce. He does not have any close friends or family. He's been alone most of his life. I was the one who filled the void of his mothers death (she died when he was 20..he's now 31.). His father was verbally abusive, which is why he suffers from this constant low-self esteem and self-hate.

 

Your X's not having outlets is HIS fault not your's. You don't make friends for him. You are not responsible for him. Taking responsibility for him is "COEY" behavior. Co-dependant. Its him who has the problems... its him who has to take responsibility for himself and solve his own problems. The path that he's chosen..."emotional blackmail"...should be RED FLAGS to you .. Not to get too close to him anytime soon.