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how to deal with this


brosiamarie
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Lets see I have a delima if I may call it that. When you are in a long relationship and the guy wants to be number one in my life before your family and truest friend. but what if I cant give him that because he is just as equal and important. I cant just number them off and although he puts me first I feel that it isnt right. I just dont understand why that is so important him. That I choose him over anything and anybody. I love him deeply but this I can not do, I wish I could understand why this means so much to him I would never make him choose.

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I'm in a similar situation, actually. My parents have never, ever liked my fiance for various (ridiculous) reasons, and we've gotten into several battles over it (my family and I) to the point of not speaking. Quite honestly, the latest blowup was a few days ago, and I have serious doubts about speaking to any member of my family again any time soon. But also, my fiance makes it difficult in that he slams my family (with good reason, but still.....) and basically, without actually saying it, implies that I should choose between them and him. I've explained to him that this is my family, as crazy as they get sometimes, and that they're the ones who, in part, made me the person he loves, and that I quite literally owe them my life for things they've done for me in the past. No, they're not rational about HIM, which he resents greatly and which I understand, but still....they've been with me literally since birth, he's only been with me a little over 2 years.

 

So my advice is to just try to talk to your guy and explain to him that your family means the world to you for all they've done for you (which, if you think about it, is more than your guy will EVER be able to do, unless you had really bad parents....lol) and that your love for him is different than your love for your parents, but no less special. If he has jealousy issues with this, or can't understand it for whatever reason, then he needs to re-evaluate his self-esteem and how much you love him. If he can't see the comparison, then I'm not sure what else to say. Luckily, my fiance loves his family (for the most part) greatly, so he can understand when I holler that "I CAN'T choose, darn it! (edit inserted here....lol)" He's just kinda pigheaded when he's having an insecurity day.

 

Relax.....this can't be a topic that comes up very often, and, if it does, ask him WHY. Why does he feel the need to be #1 in your life? My guess IS that insecurity. Explain to him that he can be secure in your love for him and that you're not going anywhere, but that you also have a different kind of "love obligation" to your family, and that he can't expect you to choose between the two, since the relationships are vastly different!

 

Mar

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A while back, I was guilty of what your partner is guilty of, so I can shed some light on it.

 

At the time I was asking my girl to put "us first" before family, I wanted to build a family with her. I didn't get along with my family (at the time). I was looking for a partner to build our own team.. looking for refuge.

 

You are very smart to ask the question. You are right. This person should fit into your life like a puzzle piece, not a vacuum sucking you in.

 

He needs to build a life beyond just you. He needs to build loving relationships with friends and family beyond just you. The vacuum effect will soon go away.

 

Good luck!

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