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Have fogiven, but pain lingers


johnp
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I have been married for almost 27 years, About 10 years ago I discoverd

that my wife had an afair 2 years earlier. I discoverd it having found out I had been diagnosed with a STD. I had suspected that there was something wrong around the time the affair took place. When I was diagnosed I read her Diary and found refrences to him , I confronted her, she admitted to it. There are many issues which have made this impossible to forget, The Affair took place in period in which my Mother and Father were diagnosed with Cancer and both passed away within 3 months of each other. She said the mental part of the affair was going on for aleast a year prior to the sexual act, which she says lasted about 6 months which happen to be within weeks of Mothers death and the time we were buying our first home. About year after the affair ended we moved to Memphis. We went through a very tough year including a short seperation and councliling for me to deal with the anger. We been doing fine the last 9 years that have included the death of her sister and the birth of Our twin Grandsons. I have always reflected on this sitiuation and sometimes it still gets the best of me. It has really resurfaced in my Thoughts since my wifes married friend dumped her husband and ran off to be with a married man, My wife tells the story and It makes me feel angry, and hurt. My wife says she does not condone her girlfiends actions.

Am I right to feel angry and disrespected when talks about this subject?

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You're allowed to feel however you want about anything. This is your right. Some things are best left unsaid. If this is a sore subject for you and your wife to discus then perhaps you shouldn't discus it until you have dealt with whatever issues you may have.

 

It sounds like you still haven't fully forgiven her for her actions. Where is your resentment and anger coming from? The hardest part in these ordeals is coming to the realisation that people do things that will hurt you and there is no way to explain it or make sense of it. Some things just happen. It's life. Once you understand this, it becomes easier to let go of the anger.

 

I ask you, whom does the anger help? Who does it hurt? What is the purpose of the negative feelings? If you feel negative ask yourself, what is the source of these feelings? What am I trying to tell myself?

 

Remember, what happened is done. The event was but a mere fraction of your lives. What happens now and how you feel and react is completely up to you. You couldn't control what happened many years ago, but you can control this.

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I think your coherent discussion of the topic is amazing. I commend you. What a difficult time you have gone though and I have a lot of respect for you. You are obviously a leader.

 

I think you have every right to be angry, and I suggest you vent through powerfull means... such as sports, men's groups (such as clubs, etc..) or heck, just yelling at God! God can take it.... but I would suggest when you approach your wife, you tell her about your feelings of anger in a non-threatening way and you simply continue to forgive her. There is so much power in forgiveness.

 

Whether you stay with your wife or not, lies within your heart. I'm religious, so I love to see marriage survive. But, the great news is, you control the situation. She made a horrible mistake, even if she can't see that clearly enough, you know the truth and so do we who read about it. The truth is still the truth even if it doesn't sink in with your wife.

 

Over time, with your forgiveness, she will hopefully grow to mature to your level.

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