Still hurting

[Gaz]

My girlfriend of 4 years who I loved more than anything left me in June this year, because I had moodswings which I couldnt control (never violent or abusive though). Im 22 and shes 24. She loved me and wanted to marry me etc and right before we split up we were really happy, she told me she would love me forever. I dont know why but she hates me now even thought I explained I couldnt help it and would never hurt her deliberately. She wont contact me at all except to say how bad I was and to leave her alone and never replies to anything I send her. I know what I did and got help for it but I never ever meant to hurt her but she thinks differently. We had such a great releationship and I believe were meant to be together but because of me now shes gone. I cant get over her and its not getting any easier. I only want to explain to her that Im sorry and that Im better now but I get nothing from her so I told her that Im just going to leave her alone now and not contact her but that I still love her and Im always here for her. Im going crazy because I love her so much but I know she is still very angry. She said she was scared of me when I was moody. Will she ever get over this? What else can I do/not do? Im really better now but fear I have lost her forever. Any help would be appreciated otherwise I might just lose it.

 

And this saying really is true: `You dont know what youve got til its gone`

[faeriechyld]

Hello there,

 

I understand your girlfriend left you because of mood swings you had. I also understand you are better now and want to be back together with her.

 

That saying you posted is true, however, there is another one used on this site often. That is: "If you love something, let it go, if it comes back to you it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was." My suggestion here is to let her go, follow through with your statement that you'll stop contacting her. She needs space, she needs time. She's probably still afraid of you in some ways, and she is giving you no hope of a reconciliation. You need to let her go.

 

I don't want you to get false hope through this statement, but perhaps if you did let her go and gave her space, she'd reconsider. There is no guarantee, but to be honest, it is a win win situation. It doesn't seem like one as I know how much you love her and want to be with her. But by letting her go, you'll be able to begin the healing process, and if she doesn't want you back, then you'll be able to move on.

 

It's not going to be easy, you're going to have to fight the urge to contact her, but I suggest writing a letter to her that you will never send. Pour your heart out into the letter, and then burn it, or save it for later reading. Breaking up is never easy, especially for the person who was left behind, however, it is something that can be overcome. Don't contact her anymore, and put all the energy you have put into her back into yourself. Rebuild yourself from this so you are a much better person for it. You will get through this, and feel free to return here whenever you feel down as we are here to help you.

 

I hope this helped and best wishes!

[Mar]

I agree that it's best to let sleeping dogs lie right now. If she's having a hard time with the relationship, let her think about it some. If what you said is true, then you've explained to her that you've gotten help for it, realized the error of possibly blowing up at her when she wasn't the cause of your anger, that you couldn't help it, etc. But anger's a scary thing for a woman to be faced with, over anything else, in that it's unpredictable. No one wants to spend their life looking over their shoulder because they're afraid they'll do something to set someone off.

 

At this point, yes, let her go with the thought that you'll not get her back. It's easier on you (as unrealistic as that seems right now, with what you're going through) but you can move on and start healing a little more every day if you can let her go in your heart. I know you love her and want her back badly, but that may not be possible. Not IMPOSSIBLE, but right this very second, not very likely. You need to work on YOU, and work on getting on without her. You've already made a huge step in getting help for your anger problems and realizing what happened that caused the breakup.

 

Mood swings are VERY difficult for anyone who doesn't have them to understand. My fiance has them; only with him, it's depression, not anger. And yes, there are days when I'm walking on eggshells for fear of setting off a panic attack or bout of depression, and I can't do a thing about it to help him. But the big difference is that I realize that he can't control it and that, when he DOES have them, just stay out of the way until he wants me there. With anger, it's much the same way. Your girl was most likely just not accustomed to them and wasn't sure how to handle them. Not her fault, and not yours for having the mood swings.

 

Don't feel guilty, above all else. Yes, you may have made mistakes-who doesn't? It happens, and it stinks when it does, but you have to just learn from it and go on from there, and hope you don't do it again. Good luck, and we're here if you need us. Hang in there, the days DO go by, and they get better with time, I PROMISE you this.

 

Mar

[Gaz]

Thanks for the advice. Im going to do just like you both said and not contact her, I just hope she understands one day. And I do need to concentrate on myself more I think. Thanks guys.