Confused, hurt and very depressed

[jaded4life]

 

I have not a question, just confusion. I thought maybe if I shared my story that it would help myself and or others. And the story goes.......

About 3 years ago I was in the midst of a brokenheart from my now ex fiance.

My fiance found someone new and that is another story, however, I began dating a man that was 10 years my elder and like me going through a difficult time. His wife of 15 years cheated on him and left him, he was heartbroken, I did not really care at that time b/c I was not thinking of a relationship, just companionship. We dated about 4 months initially and we moved very fast can you say rebound? Of course, I left his home many nights feeling lost and I would go home and cry over my ex, I felt guilty but I did not want to be alone. It use to break my heart to have sex with him b/c all I could think of was my ex and I went thru pure emotional torment. But hey I did it to myself. He has 2 daughters and I have 1 son and 1 daughter from a previous marriage, so we had somethings in common. Anyway he was the one to end the relationship, being honest about his feelings by telling me he still missed his family and was not ready for any commitments. I was relieved, yet I felt rejected thinking nobody wants me, ya know the whole self deprecating attitude, I had it.

Well we got back together and broke up several more times since then. But this summer changed alot of things for us both. I got real tired of his emotional instabilites b/c now I actually loved this man after 3 years of screwing around it had to happen I guess. I never dated anyone else except him and even when we would break up ( 1 month was the longest) we would both stay single. He had his women though I guess they were in his life when we were dating but they were his booty calls. I suffered so much pain and rejection with this man that my self esteem plummeted. Oneday June 21 2003 I worked up enough tears and sweat and courage that I decided to be the one to let him go. I called him and told him that I was not happy and I cried and told him that I knew about all his little secrets, I just lost it on him, and dumped him. He said he understood and that he was very sorry. I cried and cried and cried. One week later he leaves me a message on my cell to let me know that I was a wonderful woman and that never meant to hurt me or anything, that he just did not have his head on his shoulders right to have a real commitment with someone and that I was going to make somebody real happy oneday but that it couldnt be him because of how he felt about relationships, but that he cared deeply for me and that he was very sorry. So I listened to it and in return I left him a nasty message to let him know that I was not appreciating or accepting any apology. Two weeks Later I went to a local club, to my surprise he was there, I would not even look at him, and double whammy my ex finace was there. Well he came up to me and hugged me like I was his new best friend, whatever, so I played alone hoping that my new ex would see and aprreciate what he lost. Well he got angry and left. NOthing happened b/t me and my ex except that he told me he had made a huge mistake by what he had done and he had always regretted it. That was nice to hear. So the next night I came back out with and he had brought a date. Now you have to understand I have never seen him with another woman and this floored me, she was very plain not ugly just plain and I knew her b/c she use to date my former boss. I could not believe he was already dating. I casually left after a couple drinks and cried like no bodies business. Well the rumor started that they were a hot item and that he was saying she is the one, same for her. I am really hurt and confused by this, if he was not ready to commit to me how can he commit to her? Is he rebounding? Anyway, I work nightshift and one moring as I was getting off work I decided to go by his house to get my stuff he let me in and he looked horrible he had lost weight and he had this scared look on his face, no she was not there, but he was so distant. I hated it. I gathered my stuff and as I was leaving I asked him if he ever loved me, he said he was not sure what love was. I left crying, no he did not see me cry. Shortly after that I began receiving prank calls and oneday I even received a call from his new gf saying "Leave Randy ALone" nothing else I recognized her voice so I called her back she denied it so I called him and told him he was very nice to me but I told him that I did not appreciate it and that I had not bothered him no matter what he had told anyone. I hung up and he calls back to speak my grandmother, whom lives with me answered and he told her that he would never put anybody up to do that to me that he was so sorry that everything was all messed up but he did not know how to fix it. He even told her that he loved me and always would love me and would never hurt me. See why I am confused? SO 2 weeks ago I go out with my sister to the same club and his there with his new gf again. Does not sound like he was mad at her for calling, huh? Anyway, everytime I casually glanced their way they seemed to be arguing, they just did not seem to be happy, I mean I think back at how we were, but maybe I wanted to see them unhappy who knows. Not too long after I got there they left. No problem. 2 days later I see him in town and he waves very excitably, and then the next day I ran into him again at Papajohns during lunch he spoke and I said hello placed my order got my food and left without looking at him again. So for the most part I have handled everything very good. Until last week I received a very touching poem via forwarded email from a friend and I sent it to him! It just said people come into your life for a reason and that when it ends we must accept the goodness and move on. He replied with I hope you have been well Always Randy, well that got me. SO I replied foolishly again

just to say that I never regretted our relationship and that I wished him happiness no matter what, but I signed it Love, big mistake. He never replied. I am still hopelessly in love with him and I wish he would show up on my doorstep like the dozens of times before wanting me back, but this time is different he is seriously datng this girl and even though she is not all that in appearance she has him and it kills me. I can not help but wonder why does he not want me back this time. Is it b/c I broke it off and he thinks I am really not interested or what, TO all guys who read this how can you not want a commitment with someone after trying for 3 years, but the very next girl you date is magically the one. Is he rebounding? AM I crazy for still thinking about it. It just hurts and I try to think of why but I have no answers. His new gf is not very attractive and I am not bragging but his friends told me that he told them that he never thought he could date someone as attractive as me, so I have her bet in that department. They are very different in personalities and lifestyles.If he could tell my grandma that he loves me why can't he tell me? If he loves me than why doesn't he want to be with me. My mom spoke to his sister the other day and his sister told her that I was the families favorite and she thought he was still hung up on his exwife,even seeing her again, so at least I know he is not faithful to his new gf either. Anyway I had to share this with someone Thanks for any advice. Jaded4life

[Gilgamesh]

Hello Jaded.

 

So much here, i dont know where to begin.

 

ok,,, first off, lets start with the first mistakes, and that was that neither one of you allowed time to heal fully before getting into a new relationship, by not allowing yourself some "time off" to mend those broken hearts, they take longer to heal and may never heal for years. causing trust problems and commitment problems.

 

It took you 3 years to come around to commiting to him, he on the other hand seems to have not mended, he probably loves you, but just cant go the distance, he knows thats what you want, and he knows thats what he should want, but he cant. its deep inside him you see.

 

This new girl is fresh to him, he doesnt have a history with her, again he is commiting the same mistake again, jumping from one relationship to another, never being able to be alone.

 

You breaking up with him as a ploy to "motivate" him into commitment backfired badly, because all it did was feed the fears that prevented him from commiting to you in the first place!

 

Both of you are very dependent on others to make you feel like you have value, this is a bad thing. you should want other people to compliment your life, not NEED them to complete it.

 

You cannot heal your Ex BF, but you can work on yourself, stop looking into his life, from the sounds of it, your in a small town, but avoid him, start working on being happy alone, you dont need anyone to feel good about who you are, when the day comes that you dont need a man to make you happy, thats when your ready for one in your life.

 

I know what your going through, really, I have done the same thing, commited the same mistakes, been hurt, and cried for months. its not easy not being with the person that made you so happy at one time.

 

He someday may come around, he may not, but if you work on yourself you will be healed from all this, including your fiance, as i still believe that has left some scars on your heart. get a good book on healing. or grieving. discover yourself, fall in love with you first. after that your future relationship with the next person will be a completely new experience for you.

 

If you get back together with this man, things will be as they were, this breakup may be the best thing to happen to you, because it gives you an opportunity to mend. Your Ex BF is in deeper trouble and i feel sorry for him.

 

So again, forget about your Ex's, forget about this new girl or his booty calls, dont ask about them, call them, or frequent areas you know they go to. even if you find out he is alone again, avoid him, give him time to do what you have done, then and only then will he be able to trust, commit, and love with a full heart.

[jaded4life]

Hey I just wanted to Thank you for your advice, you have a great perspective on this. I know looking in from the outside allows a broader, clearer perspective, and you are so very right. It is just so difficult so let go, ya know? I can tell you, even my closest friends that I have let go, but in my heart, well there is still this hurt but I guess it is a wound that I will carry for a long time. I have alot to keep me busy and it is true that at times I still focus on his life too much. It is so hard to be true to myself, it is like I have given up on a dream that I have worked so hard, no, we had worked so hard to accomplish. Perhaps it would be easier for me to know that he is hurting and not dating this soon. But you are right, I too feel like he is ignoring his true feelings, although facing mine are very hard it will be the best thing.