What do you think about this situation?

[diverp]

I have posted before and will sumarize a little. I lived with a girl for 6 months and then the relationship went sour. For 10 months we went on again off again until this last month or so. We were apart for a month and I took it upon myself to email her. Well she responded immediately and waneted to see me. I learned she was depressed and feeling suicidal (about her past and about us not working out). I have always loved her. I helped her through that night and the next by staying up with her and simply being a sounding board and hugging her when she needed it. Just understanding. She admitted that I have always shown up in the nick of time when I call her or contact her and I was a savior of types for her. She released a lot. Now she has always had difficulties with her relationships(28 that she told me about) and she had an abusive father. She saw that she needed to see a therapist finally. Well she started seeing the therapist for a month or so. We even went to the same therapist (she wanted to see him) for couples counseling. Well, after a couple of weeks she got distant. She started treating me like I had to schedule time with her. I told her that her behavior was bothering me and a little hard to understand. All of a sudden she was acting like she didn't need me. The argument we had escalated and we stopped seeing each other. We talked once again and we talked about going out for dinner or something. Then we talked again the next day and she said she we needed time apart. Then we exchanged email and she was telling me she needed closure in our relationship and maybe in a few months we could have coffee. This happened in the matter of a few days. I was spinning, but thought that the time may be what we need. It was not easy. I really missed her. I emailed her a week later and told her that I love her and I am always there for her. I told her that maybe a few months would be good. I agreed. She responds to me saying that she needs closure on us and she doesn't want to plan on a future meeting, but if our paths crossed then .... well that happens, but she didn't want to plan on it. Then she tells me she doesn't want me to contact her again.

 

Now, this went downhill fast. I had been there for her when she needed me. I told her I loved her and I was there for her. I told her I would continue therapy with her if she was up to it. And she escalated things to.."don't contact me again". I was hurt and depressed (still am). How could someone do this? What kind of pain or reasoning has she been going through. She told me that any communication I have with her pushes her further away from our past. It is very hard for me to understand. I loved her for the good times we would have together. They were perfect. She would be good, then moody, then distant then good again after a while (if we could make it through that time period). I know she has had difficulties in the numerous relationships. She got married young. She lived in a bad realtionship with a 50 year old when she was 20 (actually she lived with 3 men over 50). She, since then has had relationships with 20+ other men that never lasted. She would say that they all broke up aimiably. I find that hard to believe. She was sexually abused by her father when young and lived in a household where she had witnessed her mother being shot at by her father. She holds a deep resentment to her mother for letting her father do what he did, yet she feels bad for her mother going through what she did.

 

My ex hated me having any contact with my father or with other friends. She hated going out with other people other than her co-workers at an event with me.

 

The more I go on, the more I wonder why I loved her. I just did, I can't totally pin one thing to it. Her laugh, her smile. SHe was fantastic from time to time (more when we first met). The sex was incredible. We were like we were meant for each other.

 

The problem was the constant cycling of her moods and how I would react to those. I probably wasn't as understanding as I should have been. I don't know.

 

So, now I am left with "please don't contact me". What is your take on her actions and is there anything I can do to stop me from wanting to contact her so badly? Do I need to learn to just move on without her? Do I give it time, like 6 months or a year, and try to contact her? I understand that therapy had brought up some issues for her and that either the thought of me was too hurtful right now or she really needs time to work on herself. Either way, am I just fooling myself thinking that in the future there could be something between us again or should I just move on? I am very confused.

[SunnyScott]

It depends, if you broke up with her, then she definitely doesn't want you in her life.

 

If she broke up with you and tells you that she doesn't want you to contact her, then it could mean that she has someone else.

 

Often times, when women find therapy to help heal sexual abuse, they often resort to those situations, b/c the recent relationship is not helping them emotionally. If you were cold and distant to her while you were official, then her seeking counseling is also an even better way to move on from you.

[rvr350]

I have experienced a similar relationship before. She was very needy on me emotional, and when we broke up, i felt very bad, because i couldn't let myself care about her the way i did, and it was eating me inside out. I think time will heal the wounds. Hope it helped.

[buffalosoldier]

I feel bad for you and im really sorry that you are going through this,it must be extremely painful.

i sort of feel the same as SunnyScott on this,my initial thought was that as soon as she started getting therapy,that things went suddenly went bad,and for no apparent reason from your side i assume.

Its hard to say but counselling can bring out a lot of emotions in people and feelings that they never even knew were there,ive seen it happen. But there is no doubt in my mind that she cares for you.-Call it a gut feeling of mine,i dont know. But perhaps she has decided that you no longer deserve to be put through this aswell.im not saying that it was any great burden on you helping your girlfriend,but maybe she felt that way.

 

And at the end of the day,however much you love this girl and she loves you,you are not there to be her counsellor. Sure,you have to be there for someone you love,but you also cannot put your life on hold for this girl.- she may have problems and it sounds like she has been through the most terrible of times,but that doesnt mean that you have to suffer.

 

Be there for her by all means if she ever wants to talk (if you can handle seeing her) but dont expect anything to come out of it,then you wont be disappointed.And maybe in the future when shes had more therapy and is ready to share her life with someone again,maybe,just maybe,she will pick you.

 

But dont hold on to that thought.For now,go about getting on with your life and try to accept this as being over,even if just for the time being.

 

I really wish you luck with your situation,im sending you strength x

[diverp]

She told me not to contact her again. I went to see a therapist of my own for the first time. Strange. Over a year ago before I met her I felt like I was extremely on top of things and well adjusted. I was very confident and very well settled in life. Then I met her and she made everything even better. For the first few months we couldn't get enough of each other. I remember her telling me that I must be too good to be true. I remember thinking "how is it that everyone doesn't have it this good? This relationship is perfect". Then I remember our first problem. Its strange. We were playing a video game of all things (I never play those things and neither does she). I was winning and she was having problems figuring out the game. So I asked if she wanted some help with it and she snapped at me and told me not to treat her like a child. Well, we both were quiet after that. I tried to talk to her and she said she didn't want to talk about it, that nothing was wrong and not to worry about it even though she was visibly upset. I tried to find out what was bothering her and she got quiet and moody. So the rest of the day she was quiet, I was quiet because I figured that she wanted space and my trying to do anything was going to make things worse. Well, I was watching tv that night and she was in the bedroom and I didn't see her for the longest time. So I went into the bedroom and she was in the locked bathroom crying. I tried to persuade her to come out but she wouldn't. I tried for a while with no success. I finally left the room and came back in an hour and she was in bed asleep. I got into bed and after about an hour of silence she started crying and asking me how I could just leave her in the bathroom like that..."you don't care about me". I was going to try to tell her that I couldn't because she wouldn't let me, but figured I shouldn't. I just told her that I felt she needed space for a while. Then came the kicker. She started telling me about when she lived in Chicago after high school with one of her ex's. SHe told me that she had attempted suicide back then and didn't succeed. THis is the first night that she had told me any of this. She felt ashamed and pissed at me. I then asked "how could you even think I don't care about you. I can't believe you could even think that." I told her that hurt so much. Well, within about 5 minutes she was quiet and all of a sudden she started treating me like nothing had happened. She did ask for me to forgive her but all was almost as if it had never happened. That felt pretty strange to me, but I was dumb and let it go. That is essentially when we started going through our cycles of break ups.

 

No, I can see that she has a very difficult life. She had a crappy marriage right out of high school. She was in a string of abusive relationships after that. She had the problems with her father in childhood and with her mother. She moved to the city we are in now. She waitressed for a while and started college but never finished. However, she got a very part time job in a financial firm and the owner took her under his wing. In a matter of 5 years she got into a position of being the VP of this place (with no college degree, just hard work). She told me that nobody liked her. They all thought she was sleeping with the boss to get there. She keeps going after more certifications. However, she was always feeling inferior to me because I had two bachelor's degrees and was successful. I told her that she was very successful and had no reason to appologize to anyone or feel inferior to anyone. She really started to get this whole class structure thing down pat. SHe really started to see some people as being better than others because of their social position and I don't buy that.

 

Anyways, after seeing how she had been the last month or so, I can only assume now that she is going through her therapy and a lot of uncomfortable things are coming up for her. I remember her saying one time, crying, "you have no idea the bad things I have done". I told her that all that was in the past and it didn't matter now. So, right now she is probably seeing a very long road for her and seeing that she is going to have to undergo some uncomfortable changes. What scares/bothers me is that she sees me now as part of the past problem. If that is so, I don't know if she will ever want to see me again, if I will just make her uncomfortable. However, on the other hand, she may find that I may have been something good and worth being with in the future once she has a better grip on her life. I really can't be her therapist, I can only be her friend and right now she doesn't want me to be. She really has only one girlfriend in town and she has known her for 5 years. BUt other than that she really only communicates with her co-workers. I think her work gives her an outlet to be around people as she doesn't like to do that on her own time. One thing that has helped is that she just got a dog from the humanes society and the last time I saw her she was happy and loving with that dog. It made her happy and gave her something to look forward to come home to.

 

Well, I am trying to be understanding about her situation because I just can't fathom what she has and is going through. I feel for her. I just feel like crap because I want to wish her good luck, but then she is putting me through this and I feel terrible for thinking that way. I am being selfish. She wants/needs to heal and I am being selfish and want only to contact and be with her. But, she has said she wants no contact with me and wished me good luck.