I change drastically and my husband is unhappy

[housewife]

When I first met my husband, I made a lot of money. I was very good at what I do. I made more money than him. Because I was career oriented, I was and still am very bad with being a good girlfriend or wife.

 

He loved me because I was very smart, very good at what I do. Unlike most guys, he was very proud his wife was smart and successful.

 

Then at the same time he started to make a lot of money, more money than me, I started to get burned out with my career. He now makes a lot of money, but not enough for us to retire yet, and I don't have a job.

 

I do have savings from when I made a lot of money. Because I am burned out I decided to live off my savings and let him pay for everything for us like food and rent which he can afford, and decide to start a new kind of job that is very artsy and unrealistic and very unlikely to make a lot of money unlike the practical job I used to do but get burned out on.

 

Also because I am not employed and I am not paying for things I decided to do more housewife things, but because of lack of experience, I am still very bad at it.

 

My husband used to be very proud of me, but now he is ashamed of me. Because I am not smart and successful and rich or making a lot of money like when he first met me. And he is unhappy I am not even good at being a housewife with housewife things. He thinks and he is right if he had married just a regular housewife instead of someone smart and successful, at least he would have ended up with a good housewife and not a bad one.

 

I love him and want to be happy together with him forever. He is worried about not having enough money to retire, and he is angry I am not helping to make money for us to retire, and instead go off to do something highly unrealistic and highly non money making.

 

He is making the kind of money where it is very easy for younger girls to be attracted to his money, or good housewife to be attracted to his money, or smart and successful women to be attracted to his money. On the other hand, I used to be making that kind of money too but not as much as he is now.

 

I am old, the same age as he is, I am a lousy housewife, I am not smart or successful or make a lot of money anymore, and I am afraid of losing him to younger girls who likes his money, or women who make better housewife than me, or someone who is not useless and unemployed like I am who is burned out and starting on something new and frankly very non money making.

 

Advice on how to save my marriage?

[Prince]

Okay. For a start, he shouldnt love you because you make money. thereforeeee he obviously loves something about you which allowed the relationship to survive so many years. Find that again. If you don't want to stress out at work, don't- not even for him. Cause if he really cares he shouldn't mind. But, in my honest opinion, you should maybe use this extra time to learn the housekeeping skills that you werent able to at the beginning- try and impress him. The most important thing is communication though- I hope you've told him all this. And if there are any more problems, you should tell him first.

[lauralied]

Hello,

 

I agree with Prince, that there must be more to your relationship than the money issue. There are other qualities about you that certainly round out who makes you, YOU. I can't imagine that he doesn't appreciate any of these things. But back to the immediate issue; I think you work on your "keeping house" skills, watch the Food Network and pick up some ideas on how to cook a tasty meal, plan a special treat for you both when he returns from work, do whatever you can that being a "housewife" implies in the minds of your husband and yourself. And most importantly, as has already been mentioned, talk to him about things. Keep your voice audible in matters, ask for his input, see what he expects, show him what you can do, tell him how you love him, be reassured he still loves you...and on and on. Communication is really everything and I hope that he will see the negative light he is illuminating upon you (perhaps inadvertently), and realize change for the better is a two-way street and it will take effort on both parts to improve this situation!

[housewife]

Thank you all for your kind advice. I would like to hear more, from more of you.

 

It is not only the money issue, it's more the smartness and success issue. Even my ex-co-workers think it's such a waste of my talents to be a fulltime housewife; but I really for personal reasons don't want to be in the field I was very good at any more.

 

I do get a kick learning how to cook and actually got very good at it.

 

That's one difference between a successful career woman and a housewife though. Housewife is a 24 hour job that has no slack!

 

I could be super good at my job, the work hours could be very long and hard, but once I was done, I just totally kicked it, you know. Like, I just didn't have to care when I leave work.

 

But keeping everything in my husband's environment completely perfect and happy and stress free and everything always right all the time; there is no break to that (and that's coming from a recovering workaholic!). Have the deepest respects for those of you who are actually mothers and wives there!

 

I am like a "guy" with housework. Really good with the super performance type thing (like cook a great meal from scratch with the most obscure ingredients), but really bad with continually maintaining the upkeep, always on my toes, you know.

 

He is not so much as not happy with the quality of my housewifeness, or just disappointed I have sunken so low and have no career ambitions any more. He used to find my lack of housekeeping skills endearing, but now finds it annoying when I don't have something else to contribute.

 

He loved me because I was smart and I used to be able to demonstrate I was very smart because of how difficult my job was. Well things around the house and what I do not don't really require the smartness that I used to need, and I guess he really missed being able to see that and be in awe of that as he used to.

 

He went from a guy who totally admired and respected me, to well, someone who doesn't respect me as much any more, and I guess, rightly so.

[OmegaMan]

He loved me because I was very smart, very good at what I do. Unlike most guys, he was very proud his wife was smart and successful.

 

Hmm.. I know this isn't the point but if you love someone shouldn't you be proud of your loved one success and intelligence?

 

I do have savings from when I made a lot of money. Because I am burned out I decided to live off my savings and let him pay for everything for us like food and rent which he can afford, and decide to start a new kind of job that is very artsy and unrealistic and very unlikely to make a lot of money unlike the practical job I used to do but get burned out on.

 

And which job do you like the most? The arts one or the brned out one?

 

Also because I am not employed and I am not paying for things I decided to do more housewife things, but because of lack of experience, I am still very bad at it.

 

Which will come with practice, just like anything else, wouldn't you say?

 

My husband used to be very proud of me, but now he is ashamed of me.

 

ARE you sure of that? Has he mentionned it clearly to you? Remember, assumptions are the mother of all f*ck ups.

 

Because I am not smart and successful and rich or making a lot of money like when he first met me.

 

Well, I don't believe intelligence disappears just like that, so I think that you're still a smart woman. As far as successful, maybe you'll become better in the new job than you used to in the other. As far as making money (you live in USA?) It depends on each and every person, but liking someone because he makes money is a time-set bomb. It will blow up in your face in the future.

 

He thinks and he is right if he had married just a regular housewife instead of someone smart and successful, at least he would have ended up with a good housewife and not a bad one.

 

But that's not reasonnable (in the sense that there's no reason in that). I mean, he married you because he wanted you. He didn't want a regular housewife, period. Do you limit yourself to your job? You are so much more than that!!

 

I love him and want to be happy together with him forever. He is worried about not having enough money to retire, and he is angry I am not helping to make money for us to retire, and instead go off to do something highly unrealistic and highly non money making.

 

I can understand he feels upset, but you have the right to do what makes you happy in your life. This decision will be up to you and it won't be an easy one.

 

Did you ever ask yourself why money had such importance in your life? It seems like the quantity of money and money in general seems to occupy your thoughts quite a lot, why is that?

 

I am old, the same age as he is, I am a lousy housewife, I am not smart or successful or make a lot of money anymore, and I am afraid of losing him to younger girls who likes his money, or women who make better housewife than me, or someone who is not useless and unemployed like I am who is burned out and starting on something new and frankly very non money making.

Advice on how to save my marriage?

 

Ah my god, you were brainwashed. I don't know if you brainwashed yourself or your husband did, but what you just typed there feels like it was driven in your mind with a sledgehammer! I honestly hope you do not believe the bad things you've typed about you. There is one thing that is unacceptable, it is to degrade you so. Shouldn't you to your best to valorise yourself instead?

[lauralied]

No way! That's what I thought when I read the last line of your recent post. You are to be respected even if you are not working in some fabulous career, especially by your life partner. You have to demand respect though. If you really believe someone is right in thinking you are lesser of a person than before, there's half of the problem.

 

Perhaps it would do you some good to find a different job, but one that is fulfilling to you and would boost your self-esteem. It doesn't have to be the grind of your past career, but you seem to be a resourceful and intelligent woman, and you could likely be successful trying your hand at something different. Once you start making your own money again, you might feel more validated by your husband but more importantly, like you're getting your identity back. It sounds like you hate the housework thing ( and I understand how hard it is to do the constant upkeep stuff, and I'd be a horrible housewife myself), so you've probably lost some faith in yourself and a part of who you are, just being alone in the environment you don't relate to. You need to get out there again and be productive. Then, you will have two legs to stand on again. Then, just say if your insecurities about your man finding "a better housewife, a younger woman who is attracted to his money, etc etc" happened to come to fruition (God forbid, because you were married to be faithful to one another), then at least you would have a little more power, a little more stock placed in YOU and so you would not be so weak to deal with it. And more realistically, those worries would probably subside somewhat, just because you've got your mind on other things and you are a source of income yourself.

 

I hope you can find some kind of motivation from this. I just think you need to hear that you are a capable, intelligent, and worthy person. You really are. You need to realize that you have the potential to do more, if you are dissatisfied with the here and now. You don't have to settle for less. Change what you don't like. You have that power. And you have a lot more power to do other things, maybe you just have forgotten it.

 

Laura

[housewife]

Thank you all.

 

Believe it or not, all your posts is in fact about 80% solution.

 

Just as one poster astuted, about 70% of it is in my head.

 

And even the other 30%, it wasn't how my husband was different or worse; it was more my lack of confidence in confronting him when I don't like his behavior or reaction.

 

Let me explain: We had (have!) a very healthy relationship. Part of that is we are able to say sorry to each other, and we are able to ask the other to say sorry to us. You may think this is trivial, but trust me, this is the prized secret of a happy relationship!

 

This kind of relationship requires both people to be strong confident people. At one point I was. But not having a job and my own income to validate me decreased my confidence a little, enough not to be able to demand from him (just as how he demands from me) the marriage I should have (and the marriage he should have).

 

Money isn't the issue, but had always been a symbolic object of equality in our relationship partnership, I pay half for our car, I pay half for my washing machine, that kind of thing. If you think about it, the equality had never come from the fact I had always paid half. That was just the symbol. It came from his commitment to allow me to be his equal, came from my commitment to allow him to be my equal.

 

And even when we argue, and after we argue, his commitment to me still has not changed.

 

He has been very supportive, and given what a big change I have decided to make to both our lives, his reaction had not been out of the ordinary. The only thing different was how I didn't assert how I wanted to be treated when he stepped out of line, and to be honest, how I didn't even feel I have the right to assert myself anymore before I am not doing the symbolic chipping half thing. (Despite his income being able to afford it, and despite I still have substantial savings meant for the both of us in old age.)

 

Money, or rather the inability to contribute half, had become a symbol of inequality in my head. And as long as I got over there, I am able to push the relationship and marriage back to where it should be for both of us.

 

He is really awesome, and, hey, we are really awesome; and I am really glad we can make it through.

 

So thank you all. Just reading your posts seem to be most of the solution itself already!