housewife

Thank you all. Believe it or not, all your posts is in fact about 80% solution. Just as one poster astuted, about 70% of it is in my head. And even the other 30%, it wasn't how my husband was different or worse; it was more my lack of confidence in confronting him when I don't like his behavior or reaction. Let me explain: We had (have!) a very healthy relationship. Part of that is we are able to say sorry to each other, and we are able to ask the other to say sorry to us. You may think this is trivial, but trust me, this is the prized secret of a happy relationship! This kind of relationship requires both people to be strong confident people. At one point I was. But not having a job and my own income to validate me decreased my confidence a little, enough not to be able to demand from him (just as how he demands from me) the marriage I should have (and the marriage he should have). Money isn't the issue, but had always been a symbolic object of equality in our relationship partnership, I pay half for our car, I pay half for my washing machine, that kind of thing. If you think about it, the equality had never come from the fact I had always paid half. That was just the symbol. It came from his commitment to allow me to be his equal, came from my commitment to allow him to be my equal. And even when we argue, and after we argue, his commitment to me still has not changed. He has been very supportive, and given what a big change I have decided to make to both our lives, his reaction had not been out of the ordinary. The only thing different was how I didn't assert how I wanted to be treated when he stepped out of line, and to be honest, how I didn't even feel I have the right to assert myself anymore before I am not doing the symbolic chipping half thing. (Despite his income being able to afford it, and despite I still have substantial savings meant for the both of us in old age.) Money, or rather the inability to contribute half, had become a symbol of inequality in my head. And as long as I got over there, I am able to push the relationship and marriage back to where it should be for both of us. He is really awesome, and, hey, we are really awesome; and I am really glad we can make it through. So thank you all. Just reading your posts seem to be most of the solution itself already!

Thank you all for your kind advice. I would like to hear more, from more of you. It is not only the money issue, it's more the smartness and success issue. Even my ex-co-workers think it's such a waste of my talents to be a fulltime housewife; but I really for personal reasons don't want to be in the field I was very good at any more. I do get a kick learning how to cook and actually got very good at it. That's one difference between a successful career woman and a housewife though. Housewife is a 24 hour job that has no slack! I could be super good at my job, the work hours could be very long and hard, but once I was done, I just totally kicked it, you know. Like, I just didn't have to care when I leave work. But keeping everything in my husband's environment completely perfect and happy and stress free and everything always right all the time; there is no break to that (and that's coming from a recovering workaholic!). Have the deepest respects for those of you who are actually mothers and wives there! I am like a "guy" with housework. Really good with the super performance type thing (like cook a great meal from scratch with the most obscure ingredients), but really bad with continually maintaining the upkeep, always on my toes, you know. He is not so much as not happy with the quality of my housewifeness, or just disappointed I have sunken so low and have no career ambitions any more. He used to find my lack of housekeeping skills endearing, but now finds it annoying when I don't have something else to contribute. He loved me because I was smart and I used to be able to demonstrate I was very smart because of how difficult my job was. Well things around the house and what I do not don't really require the smartness that I used to need, and I guess he really missed being able to see that and be in awe of that as he used to. He went from a guy who totally admired and respected me, to well, someone who doesn't respect me as much any more, and I guess, rightly so.

When I first met my husband, I made a lot of money. I was very good at what I do. I made more money than him. Because I was career oriented, I was and still am very bad with being a good girlfriend or wife. He loved me because I was very smart, very good at what I do. Unlike most guys, he was very proud his wife was smart and successful. Then at the same time he started to make a lot of money, more money than me, I started to get burned out with my career. He now makes a lot of money, but not enough for us to retire yet, and I don't have a job. I do have savings from when I made a lot of money. Because I am burned out I decided to live off my savings and let him pay for everything for us like food and rent which he can afford, and decide to start a new kind of job that is very artsy and unrealistic and very unlikely to make a lot of money unlike the practical job I used to do but get burned out on. Also because I am not employed and I am not paying for things I decided to do more housewife things, but because of lack of experience, I am still very bad at it. My husband used to be very proud of me, but now he is ashamed of me. Because I am not smart and successful and rich or making a lot of money like when he first met me. And he is unhappy I am not even good at being a housewife with housewife things. He thinks and he is right if he had married just a regular housewife instead of someone smart and successful, at least he would have ended up with a good housewife and not a bad one. I love him and want to be happy together with him forever. He is worried about not having enough money to retire, and he is angry I am not helping to make money for us to retire, and instead go off to do something highly unrealistic and highly non money making. He is making the kind of money where it is very easy for younger girls to be attracted to his money, or good housewife to be attracted to his money, or smart and successful women to be attracted to his money. On the other hand, I used to be making that kind of money too but not as much as he is now. I am old, the same age as he is, I am a lousy housewife, I am not smart or successful or make a lot of money anymore, and I am afraid of losing him to younger girls who likes his money, or women who make better housewife than me, or someone who is not useless and unemployed like I am who is burned out and starting on something new and frankly very non money making. Advice on how to save my marriage?