Help! Libido differences

[seashoremaine]

So my wife and I have been married for 13 great years and, as in many relationships, my libido is a bit more active than my wifes. This was OK in the past, but recently a low-stress environment has made my libido much higher. This is causing me some distress and we are working on raising her libido (stopped anti-depressants, etc).

 

Now I like to be flirtatious and playful (kiss on the neck, passionate kisses, hand on the thigh, etc) in our everyday life and I tell my wife that this behavior is just fun, is good for our relationship, and does not mean I'm looking to have sex every time I'm being playful. For what ever reason she does not reciprocate (being playful/affectionate) and often does not acknowledge my playfulness. So, if a woman is not in the mood for sex does that also mean she's not in the mood for any physical contact or affection?

 

Also, when it's obvious that I am being more than playful but she is not in the mood, she rarely if ever tries to "satisfy" by playing along (hand job, etc.). Now my wife likes to have her shoulders rubbed, or her head rubbed, and though I am never "in the mood" to give a shoulder rub, I do it because I know it feels good to her, she likes the attention, and being the loving guy I am I enjoy do this for her. Is it unreasonable for me to want my wife to give me some "physical attention" even though she may not be in the mood for "sex"? To me it's a little distressing that she does not do this automatically for the same reasons that I like to give her back rubs.

 

Any suggestions here? Especially from a womans perspective?

 

-J

[downward spiral]

13 years man, that is the problem. it is called comfortablitly. The way things are. I bet this has been the way things are for a while now. She might not be that kind of person. My GF and I been together 5 and I am not a huggy kissy massagy guy. She is, she gives me back rubs and all that and I rarely do it back. Its not that I love her less than she me, or that I am selfish, it is just me and the way I am. She loves her feet massaged, well I hate feet. I do it sometimes, rare but I have been known to get dirty. I just think you are thinking to much into it. Invest in a massage chair.. I mean, you dont want to waste 13 years of GREAT MARRIAGE because you didnt get a back rub.. Libidos, go up and down.

The best thing to do with all this is sit her down and talk about your frustration with the libido and the attention. She may not think about it the way you do. Talk to her. There in lies the answer you are looking for.

[RayKay]

Hmm, well honestly I am female, but I am in YOUR shoes, more than your wife's shoes, so I am kinda stabbing in the dark here.

 

I don't think not wanting sex means not wanting physical affection; but I think it may mean she may feel physical affection is a means to an end, and feel put off by it. And she may not reciprocate this playfulness if she does not see it as just a way to play, not just about sex.

 

It is good she is trying to work on it - many will tell you that is FAR more than many of their partners do. I am glad for that! I am not sure stopping antidepressants is the best solution though...I know they can cause lower libido, but there is probably a good reason she is also on them and going off them can have other issues that are even worse.

 

It would be good for her to consult with her doctor as well before going off meds to see if there are other recommendations (ie Wellbutrin for example has lower risk of sexual side effects like lower libido).

 

You may want to read together some books though that also talk about the differences in libido (suggestions are Truth About Love by Dr. Patricia Love, or The 6 Secrets of a Lasting Relationship by Goulston (very good chapter on "chemistry" that talks about sexual differences), particularly the first chapters that discuss more about chemistry/sexual intimacy) and how to address the imbalance many couples have and give them some tools to figuring out both the "real issues" beneath the sexual incompatibilities, as well as to helping them compromise and find ways to address it. It is pretty normal for libido's to cycle and shift as time goes on in a relationship or there to be disparities. And yes, some of these tools to address it include the lower libido partner also realizing the spirit of giving and sharing in the sexual life with their partner even if not always motivated too.

[seashoremaine]

Thanks for the quick reply.

 

Things have been like this for a while and I don't think either of us thought it was "healty". But since we both had lowered libidos we lived with it. Now that the libidos are at different levels it's causing a problem.

 

Totally agree. I won't throw away my marriage because I don't get a back rub (I don't really like back rubs), but it is a problem if I get little or no spontaneous physical attention what so ever. I mean I want a wife not a roommate!

 

We have talked about it, but just like everything else, I start the conversation, I have to keep the ball rolling, I have to feel like I'm nagging. If I don't press the issue it goes back to where we were before.

 

She talked with her Dr. about going off the meds. So far no depression problems and one passionate encounter the day after she took her last pill, but old habbits are returning.... As I said above he have talked about it, but I have to be the initiator in all the discussions and solutions...

 

Still trying to get a firm consensus as to whether a parter should periodicaly participate in sexual play (because it a loving jesture and keeps the relationship strong) even if they are not in the mood?

 

-J

[RayKay]

Still trying to get a firm consensus as to whether a parter should periodicaly participate in sexual play (because it a loving jesture and keeps the relationship strong) even if they are not in the mood?

 

Well, I think I alluded to this, but yes, I think they should. I think one of the best ways to recapture the sexual chemistry and intimacy is, to steal a slogan frome Nike, JUST DO IT.

 

I have had times of lower libido too, however, I always kept in mind rejecting sex would make HIM feel rejected too, and that certainly was not fair to my partner, and not what I wanted to do to him. Besides, once I started, I ALWAYS got into it. This also meant there were times I did take the measures to initiate, even if I was not that into it to begin with, because I knew it was important, and I know myself how bad it feels to be one ALWAYS initiating too. So, honestly, the frequency or quality of sex for me or my partner never really changed even if I felt less into it by JUST DOING IT!

 

I wish I had more answers for you, I am going through similar issues in my own relationship so I do feel for you though, it is confusing and painful at times!

[seashoremaine]

Thanks. That's way I feels also. I'm thinking the only way to get to the bottom of the problem would be to go to a relationship/sex therapist. I can make make all the suggestions and hints in the world, but I'm not sure how much my wife is going to listen to my highly biased suggestions.

 

-Jon

[bubblyblonde11]

How about treating her to bit of romance, some flowers, candles (very good), bubble bath, dinner out at nice cozy restaurant to all help get her in the mood. I have a very high sex drive but these things still helped me especially if had bad week at work or was stressed, the nice romantic things is lovely and takes your mind away from the daily grind.

 

Perhaps you just need to put a bit of sparkle in there?

[seashoremaine]

Thanks for the suggestions! I am a dream husband and my wife tells me so. I do half the house work, I tell her she is beautiful and that I lover her frequently, etc.

 

I have tried all these things at various times, and though it may work that night but I don't feel the root of the problem is resolved if I have to go through an elaborate setup each time I want to have my wife desire me.

 

I don't want intimacy just one a month, I want it a few times a week. I can't go through this routine every time I want to be desired? It's degrading.

 

-J

[EllisBreaks]

It's definitly NOT unreasonable to ask for some affection even if she's not in the mood. She sounds like she has gotten complacent in your marriage. Have you talked to her about your needs?

 

Your wife is a very lucky woman, I hope she smartens up and realizes it soon!

 

 

 

She get's back rubs? My, what a lucky girl. I'm pregnant and I don't even get those when I ask. I asked lastnight, and he just layed there naked, and moaned until I dropped the subject.

[seashoremaine]

We have talked about it. Conversation goes like this (I'll paraphrase):

 

me feeling a little undesirable due to lack of physical contact and passion in our relationship.

 

her: Really! I'm sorry. It's just because of (excuse of the day). I'll work on it.

 

---- one day of her making an effort effort passes ----

 

back to where we started.

Repeat.

 

If I ask for a back rub I'll usually get it. If I explicitly ask for anything I'll usually get it. She does love me and would feel bad if I asked her to give me a hand job and she said no. But, she has no problem hinting no when I make the usual sexual advances. I think she fells she can reject me and blame it on a misunderstanding if I'm just acting frisky, but if I explicitly ask for something she has a harder time admitting she does not want to do it.

 

Again for me it's the whole lack of initiation, lack of passion, avoiding the situation that makes me crazy. I'm sure I could have sex all the time if I pressured my wife into it, but I'm sure I do that with a prostitute and $20 also. Neither case is very appealing to me.

 

-J

email removed

[EllisBreaks]

Right, My feelings exactly. I get what you are saying. You want her to want you. You don't want to have to ask for it. That is the boat i am in as well.

 

I tell him I feel that he has no desire left for me and he tells me that if i really think that then I'm on crack.

 

Maybe we could slip them some spanish fly? j/k

[anotherperson]

I am in a similar boat with my girlfriend. There was a time in our relationship where we had quite a lot of sex. Then it died down and I started to feel rejected. After time and time again of her not wanting to have sex, we just could not ignore the fact there had to be something deeper going on and that it was not just a collection of isolated incidents. I came to learn that my girlfriend used to get "stage fright" of sorts (having been sexually active for many years) if she felt that I was strongly pushing for sex. She couldn't get aroused during foreplay (if we could even get that far).

 

As time passed the problem got worse because if I even kissed her on the neck or touched her passionately at all, she would see it as a means to an end, and instantly have "that look in her eye", that she doesn't want to go where this may be going. Sometimes I would pick up on it and try and take a more subtle approach to try and make her feel more comfortable. Other times I would just back off and know that it's not going to happen. Other times I would just get frustrated and tell her such. In the latter case she would get angry at me initially, blaming me for making it difficult for her and putting pressure on her. It got in to a bit of a rut situation. After her getting angry she would apologize to me and tell me that she knows her libido is lower than it should be I mean we're in our mid 20s and live together on our own, with no kids. We have the perfect environment, but I think if someone feels pressured by these factors, it only adds to the problem.

 

I recently came to the realization that pressuring your significant other to match your libido will ultimately introduce stress and tension in to the relationship. The approach i am taking personally is not not put as much weight on sex itself and just see it as another component of our relationship and not an activity that solely represents our love for eachother. To do the latter is to just set yourself up for feeling rejected and unloved, when you are not unloved at all.

[seashoremaine]

Ellis: Well, tell him actions speak louder than words and number of times he has initiated is X. He can say your crazy all he wants, but theres no disputing the numbers...

 

-J

[seashoremaine]

anotherperson: Thanks for sharing your experience. Sounds very familiar. How long have you been using the "no pressure" method? Is it working? My general approach is low pressure, but not no pressure.

 

Sounds like no sex for you also means no real passion/intimacy at all in the relationship (can't kiss on the neck, etc). I could be wrong, but it seems like all that will happen is you may feel a little better becuse you have given up on getting what you really need out of a relationship (sometimes it's just easier to give up on some things), your partner will feel better that they don't have to provide somethig that they are not interestedin, but your relationship will remain the same. Maybe turning off you libido will some how raise your partners, but it seems unlikely. Do you really want to live that way for the rest of your life?

 

 

-J

[anotherperson]

Maybe turning off you libido will some how raise your partners, but it seems unlikely. Do you really want to live that way for the rest of your life?

You are very welcome seashoremaine , however I have not expressed my situation correctly. To save duplication, I earlier today started another thread focused on my experience:

 

All the details are in there...

The Summary:

I'm not simple turning off my want for sex. I'm just not putting as much pressure on my girl. I can still kiss her on the neck and cuddle in a loving way, etc, but right now when I do this I will just make it clear to her that I do not expect it to go any further, it is what it is. I think in our case our significant other (at the moment) can only see these kind of activities as a "means to an end" and not what they are. I mean it is possible for us men to be loving and passionate towards our partners without expecting it to "result in sex". I am not an expert at this, but myself and my girlfriend have spoken and we both agree that this is a good plan for now. She does not expect me to go without sex, and she does not want to go without sex. But we do have to take away the "must have sex" aspect, in order to have sex at all. I think as soon as we don't feel rejected or unloved because we are not having sex, we won't be putting on the pressure, and in the end, we will have sex. It's another way of looking at it, it's something we have control over and I think it's a pretty good compromise.

[seashoremaine]

anotherperson: I read you other thread. Very good! I envy your level headedness about the situation. I'm not sure what level of pressure you used to put on your partner so I'm not sure if I am putting a lot of pressure on my partner. Probably am indirectly. I've been married 13 years and have tried a lot of things in the past and I hope this works for you (and maybe me).

 

Questions:

 

You tell her "no pressure, we can be playful, but it does not have to lead to sex" and that makes her feel better. But when your kissing her neck, you must be thinking passionate thoughts, maybe even about having sex in the kitchen right then and there? So you are still feeling the same way, just hiding it from her.

 

She's not stupid right, so she knows you are having these thoughts and suppressing them to try and make things better, but she must also be thinking that there is still a means to an end, your just pushing out the end date further into the future?

 

It seems like as long as you are both having the above feelings, you will never get better? I could see how if you did this for a number of years you would forget that you are a passionate person and she would forget that you are pretending and you will both be happy, but.... You know what I mean? Can you really trick your minds into to new behavior in a few months?

 

I think this technique could be very useful in an extreme situation where the "asking for sex" was almost abusive (in many cases I think it is), but I'm not sure about other situations?

 

I'm interested in your thoughts?

P.S. How long have you been doing this?

 

Please email me (seashoremaine@link removed) as the weeks go by. If it works, I'll definitely try it!

 

-J

[anotherperson]

You tell her "no pressure, we can be playful, but it does not have to lead to sex" and that makes her feel better. But when your kissing her neck, you must be thinking passionate thoughts, maybe even about having sex in the kitchen right then and there? So you are still feeling the same way, just hiding it from her.

I see the difference having to come in the form of me changing my mindset on things a bit as opposed to improving my "hiding" techniques. Yes you are right when I would kiss her neck, etc, I would get marginally turned on, even more so if I thought she wanted more. However I used to do these things and if she reciprocated at all then I assumed that sex was definitely inevitable, and I was very wrong a lot of the time. If I can separate out the kinds of things like neck kissing (this seems to be becoming a popular example ) from sex then it will be much easier for me not to expect sex when doing them.

 

I have told my girlfriend that these things are not intended as foreplay or pre-cursors to sex. Sometimes they can be, but I'm not going to be annoyed if she decides that she is not in the mood. It has been selfish of me for getting annoyed in these situations. Also me getting annoyed and airing my frustration has always served to make the situation worse. Getting annoyed was a knee-jerk reaction to feeling rejected. So if I work on not feeling rejected, because we have a good relationship besides then it won't end up bothering me and she will ultimately feel less tense and uncomfortable. The state of her libido is a direct result of the way I have behaved over time. I tell the girl she is beautiful (she is) all the time. I tell her I love her frequently. I take her out to dinner. I buy her flowers. I recently paid for a surprise vacation. The list goes on. But if you couple those things with me being always annoyed over the level of sex we are having, it would have been easy for her to take all those things and just see them as ways that I could get her to have more sex. Now when I have done all those nice things I didn't always see them as me bing nice so thereforeeee she has to have sex, but rather just what they were and nothing more. However I would find myself getting annoyed when I felt that my courtesy and generosity were going even slightly unappreciated. She would express her thanks, but if her mood didn't improve or that "nice things" didn't make her more comfortable there were times when I would have said to myself "why do I even bother". Again this is all wrong. I should not be thinking about this, because I'm only causing myself stress, and a byproduct of this stress is anger and frustration which I ended up taking out on her and making her trust my sincerity less and less.

 

P.S. How long have you been doing this?

Only a few days now. We had a terrible argument about this last weekend, as a result of my feelings of rejection and annoyance building up over time.

 

We talked more about this last night and she told me that she thinks we should take a short term break from sex for now to clear the air (short term = about 2 weeks, while she has her period anyway), and also that she needs time to trust that I can do what I say I will do. She is in complete agreement with me and believes that my approach to this is correct and will help in the future. I feel very guilty because I look at photos of us together about 2 years ago and she has big smiles on her face and she enjoyed life. Now largely as a result of how I have treated her, I think she is somewhat numb. I wasn't physically abusive or anything like that, but rather we did argue a lot and it does take it's toll on you after a while.

 

I love her very much and always wanted us to be happy together. I am excited about this new found change, beacuse for once I am comfortable doing something positive in rectifying an issue that caused great strain on our relationship. Probably one of the biggest issues we have had as a couple.

[seashoremaine]

Please keep me posted on how this goes! I'm willing to try anything. I don't think I pushed quite as hard as you did and did not get too outwardly annoyed by rejection, but I think my wife still feels somewhat pressured.

 

I think the pressure thing comes from both of us. She knows I want it, but she also knows that for some reason she does not. I think that is just as stressful for her as my wanting it. Shes wondering why her libido is low and her rejection of my advances is a confirmation to her that something is not "right" in our relationship. Our partners are probably more frustrated with themselves (I don't know of any low libido person who wants to be that way), but since it's our actions that trigger that frustration, they get mad at us.

 

-J

email removed

[KG]

Sea shore,

my wife and I went through the same thing. I'd read that if men took up more of the duties of the house, and the wife wasn't as tired we could improve.

helped a bit , not a lot'

Then one day, I simply told her that the dishes, the bills, our son, wasn't going to keep us tight.

It was the lovemaking!

That's the glue to our relationship.

Either we did it, and have fun, or we could not, and just plod through the next 10 years. Boringly.

Her attiude changed. We spent countlesss hours together. The dishes got done, we raised our son, we smiled a lot. LOL!!!

Sometimes you just have to state the obvious, work a bit on it, hope for the right reaction.

Hope this helps!

[PeanutButter]

Sex therapist!!!!!

[seashoremaine]

Kim's Guy: Thanks for the input. My wife has just started working again this year (my son is now 8). Since she has started working, I have taken on a lot more of the responsibilities, but it has not made any difference. She appreciates it, tells all her friends that I am the best husband (and her friends tell her I'm the best also), but it has not improved our intimacy.

 

We have talked about it in pretty frank terms, through I have tried to avoid implying that our relationship will fall apart because of this problem. The reason being is I don't want her to "fake it" just to keep our marriage together. The truth of the matter is this problem will destroy our marriage, but I want to wait for professional intervention before I put it in these terms.

 

Do you think when you put it in these terms ("plod through the next 10 years") that she suddenly became interested again or she is appeasing you to keep it together?

 

PeanutButter: Yes! Yes! Yes! We are almost to that point. She just got off some medication, and if that does not help, were headed to therapy...

 

-J

[laspeedia]

I think a partner should participate even if their not in the mood. I'm a 41y/o woman and my boyfriend of one year has a much lower libido than me....go figure. I think he's in full 'woman'pause (the male version of menopause), he's 44 healthy and handsome but just is not interested in sex. I feel the love from him expressed in all forms of physical contact EXCEPT actual sex. We have sex about 2.5 times a month !!!! totally not enough for me, and this is how it's been since about one month after we started living together.

 

In a past relationship my boyfriend had a huge libido (granted we were both in our late twenties) and I granted him 'service' sex every other time; not every time he wanted it though. I do have a healthy libido, I've never thought it out of the ordinary until I met this new guy.

 

Try telling a guy he needs to step it up a bit, holy moly talk about egos bent; for me and I'd imagine most women its a tred lightly task; seems like the male sexual ego is super fragile.

 

Buy your wife some sexy night time wear, try to help her feel sexy, even though I'm not a regular at sexy wear, on the rare times that I do dress down I feel super sexy. That is a key for women, they need to feel sexy. Also the whole day needs to be attentive and non confrontaional.

 

Bottom line is--which ever side of the libido fence I've been on-- I believe that in a long term/committed relationship, the partner with the lesser libido should try to satisfy the other. Sex is the way we humans bond (some still desire to make babies) but for a relationship to go smooth--sex is the key. ; )

[KG]

SeaShore,

I didn't actually tll her "plod", but implied that our lives could have that passion again, if we worked on it. We both tried to improve other areas in our relationship also, and the lovemaking just got better and more frequent.

And I don't think she was faking it...

Seemed pretty sincere at the time!! !

[seashoremaine]

laspeedia,

 

Thanks for the input! I agree that you should participate even if your not interested at the moment. I can understand not wanting to have an orgasm if your not in the mood, but to not do anything for your partner seems selfish. She even says she enjoys sex once we get going... I think the fact the she knows I feel this way, and makes no effort to rectify the situation is the most hurtfull.

 

I do try and make her feel sexy, but this is hard to do without putting out the "lets have sex" vibe... again. I start to look/feel pathetic constantly saying she is sexy, buying sexy things, etc. I feel like I'm stalking my own wife!

 

kimsguy,

 

Thanks for the clarification. Whenever we discus it, my wife seems very sincere however a few days later it's like the discussion did not take place. It's all on my shoulders again. This is why I think we need to have a discussion with a therapist. She needs to hear these things from someone besides "the sex crazed husband"

 

-J

[laspeedia]

aloha seashoremain; sounds like therapy is the next step; with a third party witness maybe she'll see she needs to step it up a notch; I remember with my past lover that sometimes when I just went into the encounter with the idea that I was just going to service him, wow I was surprised how much fun it was to play. I too am bummed that my guy isn't into it as much, the lack of true carnal passion is not understandable for me, are'nt all men just supposed to want to reproduce repeatedly? Is the rumour that guys over 42 aren't into it anymore true? I'm curious how your relationship outside of the bedroom is? is there honesty and fun, do you feel comfortable talking about anything? I'm wondering if there are men out there who aren't feeling it sexually with their partner &have a suggestion for what they would want there libido laden partner to do to them to get them going? strip show? porn? bj? what??????