I need some help. :\

[HypelloSuicide]

I'm fifteen, and for four months now I've been going out with this girl who's a few years older than me. She is actually amazing. I can't stress how much she means to me, and over the course of our relationship I actually feel like I love her. I know it could just be limerence, but I really, really think against that. I absolutely adore her.

Reminiscing about it really shirks me, but I know I've got to get it out. Uhm. Basically we'd been friends for a few years, and never really spoken. Then we started and of course it led up to this... And before I asked her to be with me, there was kind of a period where we knew it wouldn't work for reasons I don't want to disclose. But even then she loved me, and when I asked her she said yes. I'm going to babble about things that kind of count towards what I wanna talk about, and I'm not checking it so it'll seem jumbled...

 

I've only been in one other online relationship in my life, and I've had a few in real life. I don't really like disclosing what my personality's like, 'cuz the extroverted me seems to be different from the introverted me. She sees me as arrogant and annoying sometimes, which isn't dissimilair to her. She's kind of the girl everybody wants to screw. I know it sounds odd coming from opposite sides of a computer screen, but she's got this amazing amount of charisma and good looks, yet she fell for me. I'm not really anything special, and I guess that's something that drives me to love her, but gives her more power over me. I've always been one to fall for unobtainable girls, really. It's really difficult to describe her, because she's so many things in one. On one hand, she's slutty and pompous, then on the other she's this really upright and loyal woman. I've had my worried about her cheating on me and stuff, and she teases me about it a lot. Deep inside I know she wouldn't, but it's always been a persistent possibility to me... She didn't talk much about her social life until her internet went down for a while, and that's when she kind of came back with more friends. She's a really, really sensitive girl. But she still comes off as insensitive and stuck up to people because she doesn't like talking about her problems or other peoples'. A thing about me is I'm quick to psychoanalyse people, and I just can't figure her out, or I just don't want to... I've worked out when we argue, she'll take an aspect of what I've been doing and magnify it until it seems real. This isn't just a defensive manuever, it just kind of surfaces when we argue. I get the idea I think about her a lot more than she thinks about me. >_

Recently after coming back from a month or so without internet, we had drifted a bit, but that soon patched itself up and we were talking on good terms again, minus any arguments. We didn't speak for two days, at least, not as much as we usually do. Then we started again... And the day basically ended with me getting too excited about something and her calling me arrogant/annoying. It kind of ended with her telling me we had nothing in common, despite the fact most of our conversations for four months had been driven by our similair interests. I just feel like she's got the wrong impression of me, as a lot of people seem to do... and it really got me down. But it was some comfort knowing we can talk about things instead of arguing, as we did on that occasion. She told me she wanted somebody she could talk to about things she liked, and I just wasn't that somebody. Then, today she told me she did love me, but she didn't know if she was in love with me.

It's almost been detrimental being with her; right now I'm up at 6:20am completely and utterly heartbroken. >_

 

She's been the highlight of my day for the past four months. I'm wary I'm getting over my head, since an internet relationship is a long shot in itself, let alone somebody like her... >_

I would get over her. She's the only one of my girlfriends who's dumped me, and not visa versa, and it feels like she's the only one I ever really, truly loved. She could get any other guy, but she settled for me, which is unnerving really. >_.

I know this post is completely jumbled around, but I pretty much typed whatever came to mind at the time, and I can't express myself really well how I am right now. It's such a stupid problem, I know. The trivial obsession of some stupid little boy pales in comparison to whatever else might be going on. I just can't stand being alone anymore; I really, really would appreciate some advice on where to take my life from here.

 

Thanks SO much.

 

Curtis.

 

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[Daddy Bear]

Welcome to ENA, Curtis. The first thing that struck me about your post is that you're obviously highly intelligent. Was she as uncommonly sharp and articulate as you are, or could it be that her assessment of you as "arrogant" stemmed from her own feelings of mental inferiority as compared to yourself?

[Zampotne]

I agree. You come off as far too intelligent for a 15 year old. To me it sounds as if this girl might be too immature for you. She's giving you mixed signals and messing with your emotions. I was like this when I was your age. I didn't want to settle down, and even if I was dating a great guy (which you sound like you are) I would break up with him, but make sure to blame the break up on him so that I didn't have to feel guilty.

 

I know you don't want to hear this, but I don't think this relationship is going to work out. I think you need to go out with an older, more mature woman. Good luck.

[Hearts]

I wonder how old that girl was since you said she was older than you? As long as it was real love age wouldn't matter, but if her intentions weren't good from the very beginning I doubt you could have any chance with her.

Well I believe the experience that comes with the age can be more powerful so it doesn't matter how intelligent you are, you will remain naive unless you experience, I kind of doubt how honest she was with you.

 

And I don't agree that he needs an older woman now, he needs to get over this one girl yet he is pretty young he needs to focus on his life before he puts his heart into such thing.

 

HypelloSuicide you need to get over her and you need to focus on yourself from now on, I know you will be hurting for a while and it won't disappear in a day but no matter what you need to find the strength in yourself to move on and continue, the pain will eventually fade away slowly.

[HypelloSuicide]

It's so uplifting to read those compliments, thanks guys. It's a bittersweet surprise finding people actually think that; back then I was convinced nothing could be further from the truth. Unfortunately, she's twice as smart as I am, and probably twice as seasoned and mature, too. It's been a turbulent few days, really, but everything seems to be getting back on track, for better or worse. I hurt myself, my mum found out and we're seeing a doctor today about it, but I didn't really confide in her about it. I'm not sure if I want to or not.

I spoke to the girl, and I'm getting the impression she's just as confused as I am.

I'm just looking for a sure sign now, whether I should cut that slim possibility away or keep in persuit of it. It's difficult to get her out of the center of my life and get back in orbit around what I should be thinking about without the decision. It's just difficult to give her the backseat when she's been driving for what seems like the better portion of my life, even if it's only from my eyes.

 

I really appreciate the support, it's been nice to get a bigger look on things.

 

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