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One obsession finished...and another started


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Hello everybody!

My problem is, to my eyes, very serious, maybe even psychologically.

After I was in love for two years with that "popstar" girl I've mentioned

quite a few times earlier in this forum, I finally found out that she had

not only been using me as a playtoy and did everything to convince me

that there's something between us, but she also does this thing with

everyone and thereby creates a whole false image of her to everyone.

I once tried to talk to her but I realized that she's happy like that and

she didn't even care much about other people... so gradually I decided

to forget her... after two years in love... or - how many others have

called it - obsession. Just a few days ago...

After this long experience I also drew a conclusion about why I always

fail in love: I have a too great power of imagination.

Infact I always "fall in love" with a girl because I IMAGINE many

beautiful things with her, maybe things of what could happen when we're

together, even before talking to her for the first time.

And thereby very probably my mind registers those things too much

and makes the love grow day after day - in my mind! Even if it's maybe

not growing in HERs.

And all the "positive signs" I had got in my last experience practically

supported my "imagination" and that's why I was in love with her for

over two years.

Another defect of myself is that - let's say more or less in the middle of

my 2-year-long experience - my "conscience" started to really tell things

against my will. And this "voice in my head" is very strong and distracts

me from everything. This voice practically reflects the words my best

friends or a "good person" would say in a specific situation (and see, it's

again the imagination...). For example, a few months ago when I still

thought of having true chances with "popstar girl", this voice told me

things that I found very uncomfortable know well of not having

chances with her! She's just pissing you off! Don't avoid the reality!

And you are also doing something WRONG!"

I know, the "conscience" very often is correct, but it's also irritating

especially when it's against my desires/will. It's as if my personality

has divided... and I don't feel very OK with it.

A further problem I got was the fact that after I definitely gave up with

"popstar girl" I started to "fall in love" with every girl that talked or

smiled with me. For those who don't remember or who have not read my

previous posts, I remind you that before I started giving heart and soul

to conquer/impress p-girl no girl looked at me, always avoiding me or

pissing me off in my face. But after probably the whole school came to

know that there was "something" between me and her (-_-) I noticed

that many girls started being kind to me, flirting with me,... in less words,

I finally found a status in my society. And to tell the truth, it seems as

if I've become the person I've imagined p-girl to be ("oh, that angel...").

Friendly with everyone... no enemies... etc. Sounds unbelievable even

to me, but it is so.

I accepted this with joy until the days I started to forget p-girl in every

form of love. Infact, now I truly even fall in love with all the girls who

talk to me (more or less all the girls of the school) and that seemed to

be a problem to me. But after a while I started thinking that maybe I

should be happy with it, and I should enjoy as long as I can... probably

I was driven to do so because these days we read a lot of poems at

school regarding the "Carpe Diem" ("Take use of the day, you never

know what will happen tomorrow"). I felt okay with this even if I knew

that once I was a person who really saw that as a pessimistic view of life

and also betraying girls... OK, now some of you may think that it's wrong

because my new behaviours could make some girl who is truly in love

with me really depressed. But I know that - very unluckily - in the society

I live there is no true love. One of my friends who is a playboy told me

that he really admires all my effort to be romantic, write poems, songs,

etc. to p-girl but that in our society the girls run behind you only when

you neglect them. The most terrifying thing is that when he told it, there

were many girls around who verbally told that he was right...

I also remembered that many girls who were truly in love with me while

I was "in love" with p-girl didn't "die for me", as I and many other

romantic people do when they're in love, as soon as they saw that I was

in love with somebody else...

So I decided to be who I am now...

The "voice" continues to do things against my will. It makes me even

"fall in love" with girls I don't like.

I quote my conscience : "You don't have to judge by the physical

nature! etc. etc. You HAVE to fall in love with her!"

If you may have understood the "conscience/imagination" makes me feel

bad about things I've not even done but could be possible.

In the previous example, probably my "conscience" thought that I didn't

like a girl because she's not very nice (even though in reality I didn't

even imagine of anything with her) and thereforeeee gives the impression to

me that I do bad things without willing them.

This voice is against my will! And it's very irritating since I cannot do

anything with it's presense.

 

 

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Okay dude. Firstly, you have raised some of the most important symptoms I used to suffer from. Until I finally found a girl I loved. I honestly don't think you love these people, love is not caprious and random- believe me, I learnt the hard way. You do not love all these people, you are in love with the idea of them. I believe that what you suffer from is common, but make sure you use the term 'love' correctly, make sure you understand what your dealing with. Imagination will be the death of you.

 

However, I wont let the possibility pass that you are infact falling in love with these people. It is possible. But ultimately, the person you want to be with is the one you get along with as friends first, later lovers. Get to know people before you jump in to fantasies involving romantic walks on exotic beaches, or cuddling under a tree in the middle of a storm. (those were some of mine when I suffered).

 

Get to know people, and forget p-girl

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My first guess on this situation is that you're ultimately afraid of being alone, and "cushion" that loneliness with imagination of perfect relationships, and fantasies of loving these girls. But as Prince said, do NOT confuse "love" with "being in love" or, to my mind, "infatuation as comfort." You've still got issues with p-girl, I'd guess, since she was a large part of your post. You're taking on too many emotional things at once in that you haven't let her go yet, but are pursuing fantasies about all these other women.

 

Have you stopped, really STOPPED, sat down and done a sort of self-inventory of where you're at emotionally right now? I know you've thought about the "whys" of it, but I get the feeling you haven't really assessed how you feel in the midst of all of this, because you're too busy creating all these new scenarios for yourself.

 

Stop and let this one girl go, first and foremost. And ask yourself why you're letting your imagination run away with you so badly, to the point that it's confusing you to this degree. It's almost like you're making yourself feel too much so you don't have to feel what REALLY matters. And you won't have a solid, REAL relationship until you can sort this out, because any woman is going to fall short of the expectations you've built up in your head.

 

Also, think about what you want in a "real" relationship. It's not going to be perfection by any means. Maybe the fantasy relationships are a comfort factor so you don't get hurt like you did in your time with this girl?

 

Bottom line is, you're not going to have a healthy, loving relationship until you know exactly what your shortcomings are and have dealt with the ones that are possible to be dealt with (the main one being letting go of your imagination somewhat and accepting a more solid reality of what a relationship is and the ups and downs you might experience in it) and also know that the person you're with is also going to have shortcomings that may disappoint you or that you may not be able to change. It's the overall love for the person, the things that attract you to them in the first place, that matter.

 

Just be realistic and don't put women on a pedestal, that's foolish and sets you up for hurt later on when they fall short of your expectations. No human is perfect; you love someone for everything they are, the good AND the bad, and you work at compromise when you hit the rough spots.

But think about what's going on in YOU first, before any of the rest of it, and when you know that you've let go of the imaginary ideals and have a healthy outlook on what a relationship is based on, you can move forward. Good luck to you, I wish you the best.

 

Mar

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Emotionally I am totally ok. In the past months I was in total depression

about p-girl, I had even cried some nights, but I've totally passed that

period. I am happy with what I am and what I have except of the

excessive "correct things" my conscience tells me to do.

It's as if I feel guilty if I don't do things that are

morally/humanly "correct".

I usually get these conscience-bites only when I am alone and maybe

I'm reading, drawing or playing the piano.

When I'm with friends or anyway when I'm outside I am concentrated on

other things - that's why maybe these days I'm also very often outside.

 

To tell the truth, from the days I definitely let p-girl go (and I didn't do

it only with my heart and soul - I did it without any regrets!) I felt happier,

free, and most of all, more free to communicate with others.

I know that "love" has not to be confused with "infatuation/being in love"

but maybe it's exactly my expectation of true love that brought problems

to me.

I always thought that true love was something you build, something

that makes friendship grow (and I often have stated to others that the

expression "only friends" is not a bad thing... and should not be "only").

I know that infatuation is a passive thing but even though I always stated

to others that friendship can grow into love between a girl and a boy, I

was alway (and still am) under the influence of those who say that after

a few weeks you know a person and you' re not able to keep up the

passionate love you will never be able to evolve the friendship you create

into love.

 

I totally agree with Prince that one should first know the people better

before fantasizing... but...well... it's very difficult to explain, I've grown

up with the idea that every person on the world has a good side and

maybe my error is that I am too presumptious to think that I can get

the benefits of the good sides of this person on MYSELF.

I know that nobody is perfect but I always try to give my best to everyone

and get the best from everyone (this is something in my character!).

 

I do agree, and actually have to say that many things that you have

said, about expectations, fantasies, etc. I have already known.

And the love that I dreamt, the love where friendship AND passion mix

together, and all this in very less time, are only things that happen in

poetry, sure =)

I've actually managed to eliminate most of my imagination, and to be

more realistic, but I still cannot do certain things without feeling bad

about them after a while... like neglecting a girl I don't initially like and

don't want to like even after having seen no defects of that person...

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Hey I want to recommend you a nice book called "Women who love too much " ( it happens to men, too ) It is a book about the obsession with/addicted to your partner. The reason you want her, is not out of love, it is out of your fear, fear of lonliness. This is very unhealthy relationship.

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