4 months still hurting

[Vlycero]

Its been 4 months as of yesterday ( since our 3 year anniversary and the last night she and I were together ).

 

I know what I did wrong in the relationship, I have had plenty of time to reflect...I was very emotionally abusive in the relationship which is the main reason why she got a restraining order against me for 1 year, but the judge granted it a 2 way so neither of us can contact each other.

 

This hurts because 1) she didnt come home for 4 days and I was served with it, and never got to talk to her. 2) I cant gain any closure, and I am afraid she is struggling with her life now and cant make it in a big city on her own without me because we moved 1200miles away from our familes 2months after we met.

 

I am very afraid that I have lost the one person in my life that I truly cared about all because I made stupid mistakes which I cant even apologize for. I am attending counseling, but cant even let her know that I am trying to become a better person.

 

Obviously I should take the restraining order as she doesnt want to be with me, but I am not sure that she did this with thinking it out. She works at a rape crisis center and is heavily influenced on stress, plus when this was happening she was very depressed because of her health problems where she had been on her period for 3 months straight and feeling very unsure of herself and emotionally drained working 55 hours a week.

 

I guess all I can do is wait until next June when I can finally see her again, or move on... im very unhappy right now and want to contact her and help her out financially if I can but dont want to end up in jail if that is something that she does not want.

 

Help me, I am dying inside and feel torn between thinking of her and helping her out and not wanting to go to jail if she gets mad because I did....I want to put her first for once, maybe this is all she wants to happen I dont know !!

[paul475]

...you need to, "let go." Four months is too long to go without giving yourself closure. Waiting for someone who was not astute enough to pick up on the fact that you were emotionally abusive in the first place means that she, too, is emotionally abusive.

 

She waited for you to become vulnerable and then, quite unconsciously, began dropping bombs on the relationship waiting for you to explode into the behavior she needed to complete her own dysfunctional cycle.

 

She is abusing you, and you have been abusing each other, for far too long. It was a toxic relationship not because you are bad people but because you are two people who were never taught how to be in partnership with another human being.

 

Use the hurt and the anger to rebuild your perspective into something that will more attractive to healthier partners. Once you cross the threshold, this woman will mean nothing like what she means to you today.

[Vlycero]

paul thankyou for your words of encouragement...it takes two to tango and I have been blaming myself for a lot of things that went wrong in the relationship.

 

I will admit that I have done many wrong things that I regret, by grabbing her by the back of the neck about 2 years ago, grabbing her by the wrists, I even slapped her on the arm once and kicked her in the shin when she wouldnt get out of my way...that was a long time ago and knew it was something that would not happen again..

 

When we broke up she told me she never forgave me for doing that to her, which I believe is unforgivable, im not expecting that...but she is and was my best friend in the entire world...is 22yrs old never got to experiencec life and go out with her friends etc cuz she was in a relationship...

 

I refused to give her that space which made things worse I suppose, but I will move on and respect your advice... right on man, thanks for that