Understanding Ex Girlfriend

[Shishlik]

My girlfriend broke up with me after an 8 month relationship. We met on a blind date, and hit it off from the start. The relationship was quite strong and great, and I loved to take her everywhere and cook for her (she didn't know how to cook herself). She was the first to tell me that she loved me. When she broke up with me she was quite ambiguous about her reasons, saying on the one hand that she needed a break and on the otherhand that she didn't think it would work and that she didn't have the same feelings for me anymore, and I was in tears from hearing this. When I went to meet her to hear this speech, I spared no expense (and I am always quite generous) and brought her 8 dozen roses, but she claimed that it scared her, instead of seeing it as a token of my love for her. That evening she called me and told me that she decided that she wanted to go with me to the theater (tickets which I previously bought for us), and I quickly thought that she was coming around to me. That same evening my father was hospitalized and when I informed her, she seemed somewhat supportive, but still distant. The night of the show I met her and she gave me the same story, and after the show she left saying that while her heart brought her to see me that her head was giving her other messages, and she never contacted me or my family who she came to know to even ask about my father's condition. I didn't contact her for 2 weeks, after which I attempted to call, but she did not return my message. After another 2 weeks she sent me short greetings on the internet interpersed within 3 days in a week. After the 3rd message I responded, and she simply said she wanted to say hi and see how I was doing. I told her that she hurt me immensely and that I did not want her as a friend. She made such statements like we were in a relationship and not married, and also that relationships are taking a chance, and that she still cares for me a lot, and that I only loved her now that she is distant. In the end after I told her that love is about committing to someone, she asked I leave the few things she left behind (which included gifts that I gave her) with my doorman. I responded that I discarded them, and she said that now I showed her no respect and threw her out, I told her she threw herself out and wished her a good life. Several days later I sent a very brief email indicating only that I left her things with the doorman and she can take them whenever she wants, yet they remain there still after a week. I continue to remain distant, despite still feeling pained that she left, and just wonder whether there is any chance that she would still reconcile, with it now being a month and a half since we last saw or spoke to each other.

[charmed]

Hi Shishlik,

 

You have taken your break up pretty bad, and you have taken the approach to be as awkward to your ex as possible. I mean, telling her that you threw things out when you didn't etc is a way of simply trying to make her angry and sad. Well, it's not working. She is dealing with the break up quite well, and you are not. As a result, she has distanced herself.

 

I was like you when I split up with a long term ex. We don't speak at all, and I was quite nasty to her when we split. I learnt a lot about myself during that time, and you should too. Being friends means that you have to be able to sit and watch a film with her and a new boyfriend. Can you do that? I suspect not, well you could, but not without ripping your own heart to bits. So what I mean is that you are not the sort of person at the moment that can be friends with an ex girlfriend without hurting yourself. You need to learn to deal with your emotions better in times like this. You see how relatively unhurt she is appearing to you - well she is hurting, she is just not showing you. And you showing her your pain and anger, is simply making it easier for her to get over the relationship.

 

She would probably reconcile at any time, but why would she want to reconcile when you have shown her that you have issues dealing with the break up? You would have to show her that you have dealt with it. And you would need to have dealt with it properly, because it is absolutely pointless to hurt yourself. You must also be sure that you are interested in being friends, and not doing it to try and get back with her. Again you would be hurting yourself and that is pointless !!

 

Hope this helps you some,