i dont know what to think

[carbine]

this is a long story but i will try to make it brief ,for a long time i have been picked on in school and 2 years ago i couldnt take it anymore and kinda lost it went through depression for months upon months my first love wanted nothing to do with me i started having thoughts of starting a shooting i would have dreams i really dont feel conforatable telling you them i decided to get homeschooled to see if that would help the first year it did (my junior year) but this year they are coming back i wrote a screenplay about myself that i did go on the shooting it was real gorey everything just came to me but anyway i showed it to my best friend (who is not a friend anymore, and was a girl) she couldnt stand it and didnt talk to me for days when she finally started talking to me from that day forward she always talked to me difernet and acted strangly and we gradually drifted apart i still miss her alot but anyway , for a few months i couldnt believe that i wrote that story and i havnt thought like that until recently but this time instead of dreams and thoughts i get flashes let me explain i went to the grcery store and i saw a cashier then i flashed a image of me killing her with a gun i tried to shake myself better but then i had another but this time i had the shotgun in my mouth and i killed myself ,there have been a few other situations that this happened to me this is just a few, am i crazy , i realise i have aproblem so does that mean im making it up myself telling myself im crazy or that i am but i know it like they say "admitting you have a problem is the first step" if you choose to write to me plz do not put me down or say anything negative i dont know how much more i can handle

[KMSHoney2005]

im really sorry about the whole scenario. i don't know how anyone could handle it any better. at least you are realizing that it's wrong and that you do need help. you just pretty much do not know how to get that help and how to fix it. that's just like me w/ my problems. well...to me (although im not a psychiatrist), i think you need to go get help. i think you ought to go see a doctor or talk to your counselor or even your parents. this isn't healthy. it sounds like something LIKE skitzo or split personality (i didn't say it was either of the two). but you know what honestly...to me it sounds totally normal. when i was a child (and i mean like as young as 5) and still to this very day, in my dreams i used to beat up people such as family and friends, not random people. it is still continuing on, but just not as often. i think this is just a way to get out your anger. since you have been made funn of a lot, you have no way to express your anger b/c you are so intimidated by those who make funn of you. so instead...you take it out in your writing or dreams or thoughts. your problem is that it's getting to the point where it's infecting you by having flashes. that's where i think you need the help. i understand that the 'making funn' of you thing can really hurt you. people really can be mean w/o even realizing it. im really sorry to hear that it's still persisting. honestly though, since it is your junior year, i don't think you'll hafta worry too much longer. you have two more years and then you're off to college. (im also a junior and have many problems myself. it's funny b/c i was going to go on homeschool myself b/c i thought then i would be able to get better, but i decided not to.) anywhom...there at college you'll be making new friends and you won't have your background. it'll be a new fresh clean start. well...you have choices...you can either go and try to find help w/ someone you can trust, parents, psychiatrist, counselor, but NO friends, or you can try to see if anything improves, but you'll also need to help it such as thinking positive things about yourself and things around you and sticking it out. things i KNOW will change by the time you go to college. my sis is at college right now...she isn't too close to her old friends anymore. they still talk, but she's way closer to her friends at her college. im really sorry again about your problem. you can contact me if you have any ?'s. good luck!! p.s.~sorry for being so long...i just had a lot to say