what's the deal with not calling back?

[crinklecat]

Hi there

 

I've been watching over the forum lately and in an effort to not bash myself in and make myself more depressed than I already am, i thought I would seek out the advice of others.

 

I recentlly signed up for a matching service like the ones that say that they match your personality with other papers and send out introduction letters to other individuals. I have received several matches and among the people who have actually called back, I have gone out with 7-8 guys. Mind you I have received about 10-13 referrals.

 

I feel that the dates go really well, we have fun, have great conversation, but for some reason the guys never call for a second date. I'm not overly flirty, and I prefer being friends first before getting into serious dating. I often call within a few days to invite them to do something friendly, but I never get a call back.. It's not an enjoyable experience, as I thought dating was supposed to be. It's agonizing.

 

I wish I could say I have thick skin, but in reality, I dont. I'm not even really dating to find a relationship, just dating to find friends to do things with that could POSSIBLY lead to a relationship. That is the situation that I am most comfortable in. but still, no one wants to call me back.

 

I've never dated much in my life, and based on my experiences that i have gone through, I'd really rather never to do it again. It's just so disheartning. I know that this is not something that applies to women only, but men also. If you have been guilty of this I would like to get some perspective. If you suffer from this, why do you do it? and how do you deal with it?

 

Dating was never this hard when I was in my early 20's. now it seems like it's a whole nother sstory.

 

 

](*,)

[Cid]

Humm... The best thing for you to do is to call them one more time as a friend then for get them. Then if you would like to meet people just go to clubs, bars, and places where people your age hang out at. And about the whole dateing thing I would love to go on that meney dates ever. Hey I am 21 and I know how it is, just give it time and dont be shy. That will kill you every time I know. Well I wish you the best of luck.

[crinklecat]

well, I'm about to be 30, and to be honest I am not the bar type. I've been married already, so I am fairly settled so I dont think bars are much of an option. I mean this dating thing really stresses me out. I am a fairly assertive gal and I don't play games. I would definitely not say that I am shy... I don't hesitate to call a guy after a date to invite him to do something more as friends but I just don't understand.

[Cid]

Humm.. keep trying the who dating survice sounds like it is working. Just remember to just have fun. Oh yea you could try to meet people at work. Just a thought.

[crinklecat]

you think that mynot being a flirty kind of gal (I'm one of those tomboy types "do it all and wear a dress") that is a turnoff?

 

what would you think ?

[Cid]

Just be your self people will like you for who you are, and the not flirty thing might be hurting you but if that is not you dont change it. Just be friendly to them not flirty look for a friend before a b/f. But that is my point of view. There is nothing wrong with being a tombay type at lease to me, but some guys might find that to be a turnoff. But who cares about them? Dont let them get you down.

[Gilgamesh]

I actually like tomboy types, you gotta remember one thing, not all those guys are into "long term" even if they do put that down as what they want, they are just smart enough to know they will get more dates (chances) if they say they are looking for something long term and serious.

 

But dont give up, out of the phonies you will fing that diamond in the rough.

 

As for the matching some of these dating services provide, by coincidence i spent about an hour or so filling out that new one, they do a elaborate profiling of you. I am not ready for a relationship at the moment but wanted to test this thing out.

 

I did get some matches, and i have to say, that out of the 8 or so responses 3 of them would be people I would actually like to date.

 

And ill tell you, I didnt sweeten my answers in order to get more responses, i really wanted to know if there were people out there looking for someone like me.

 

Like you, im chicken shoot, of doing that date stuff, been married, and brokeup out of a 4 year relationship a few months ago. so doing that stuff is alien to me now.

 

But will do it, when im settled out west.

 

So just be who you are, eventually youll find the right guy, good luck!

[couture]

Guys aren't the brightest of beings! So maybe if you're not flirty they just think you're being friendly and aren't interested in anything else than friends. Try observing their body language to see if they're interested,

 

i've recently started seeing someone and on our first date i was quiet and reserved but still had a good time but he never called back, so i took the initiative and called him it turns out he thought i just wasn't interested from the way i acted.

 

So just go for it!

[Shyguy24]

Okay first of all don’t be disheartned if they don’t call back, maybe the reason they don’t call back is that they are even more casual about the whole thing .

 

When u go out and don’t tend to be too flirty , do you think if u changed that maybe it would help.

 

I mean personally speaking being a guy if I went out with a girl I would want to know whats on her mind I mean , what is she looking for I would rather be sure about that then go out again to figure her out .

 

I don’t know what your interests are but say if you both like the theater or like going clubbing I mean be assertive and see how the other person takes a interest , his body language will tell you .. if u like the guy throw him hints that u might be available later in the week .

 

I think it could just be bad luck that you might have run into similar kind of people , I think you should give it more of a go .. wait till you meet about 10-15 people if still no one calls then I would worry about it .

 

Besides the person has to like you the way you are so don’t worry about the tom boy thingy ..

 

You have said yourself that you haven’t dated much in your life so it’s a new area for you give it some time , I am sure things will start to roll , imagine if they all started calling then

 

Good luck

 

[Prince]

Keep trying, thats all I will say. Becuase nothing you change about yourself will improve the situation. A guy that really cares and finds you interesting wont need you to be any different. In my opinion, those kind of dates wont work. You should build a relationship on an intimate friendship. If you are looking for friends, which is what you said, remember that most those guys are probably looking for a more serious relationship.

[crinklecat]

I am the assertive type. But for some reason, maybe they don't get my calls or have the desire to call back.

 

the last guy I dated I really liked, He was more my style. I called him and invited him to the beach next weekend. he hasn't returned my call yet. you think i should call him again sometime mid week?

 

I am really afraid of being the calling too much kind of girl, and I don't want to seem desperate. aargh...

 

oh and btw. I do want a serious relationship... it's just that I think that being friends first is so ever important....

[Cid]

How long was it sense you called him?

[Gilgamesh]

Tips on call backs:

 

1st call

 

: if you get answer machine, leave msg.

if you reach him, tell him you interesting and would like to spend more time with him to get to know him more. set up a date/time right there on the spot.

 

dont ever leave more than one msg on answering machine, because if he is away, and he gets back, he will hear all those messages together and you will sound desperate.

 

Only call back 1 more time after setting up the date, a day before or same day, to confirm date.

 

If he doesnt call you back or make any effort, then he is plain not interested, so keep trying.

[crinklecat]

Ileft a message saying that I was free on x date and If he wanted to do something to give me a call. I told thim that I had a good time on our date.

 

that was a couple of days ago.

 

what happens if he is not home the second time and he has caller id?

[Cid]

He will probly think you are instered in him. I donk think it will scare him off.

[crookster_man]

For me it is quite simple. I have a 2 message rule. I call up a girl and leave a message saying "Hey how your doing? I had a great time (whater). Give me a call back at (number) look forward to seeing yea."

 

Somthing along those lines. I will usually wait a day or 2. If no call back then I will call back and leave a second message. DOn't even mention the first message, just be casual. "Hey It's (Name), hope you had a great week. Let me know what your up to this weekend. (leave number). talk to you later..."

 

That's it. If no response then it's time to move on. Don't waste your time, it's far to valuable to waste on someone who isn't even interested. I use the 2 message "rule" just because it makes sense. It give the girl a chance to respond, incase something comes up where they can't call for a few days. It also lets them know that I am interested, but not desperate.

 

2 calls seems natural to me.