Please Please Please.. I need people's advice on my situatio

[radiotone]

well. before i start off with what my situation is, i'd just like to say that i'm 17 years old, a senior in high school and that i have been in a small online/long distance relationship before that broke my heart. but i knew we wouldn't work out.. now onto my situation

 

throughout my last 'relationship' i had with someone, i met someone else in a chatroom. she was interested in all of the same music i was in and we nearly had the same views on people and being shy and everything. we just hit it off as friends, and we'd just talk to eachother. this was back in february.

i always knew she was special, but she's never been in a relationship before. so she'd talk to me about these various crushes she had on guys in school. she has a very low self esteem and her parents are divorced. her mom treats her like crap sometimes and she just doesn't like her homelife. well, one night - we started talking and i guess you can say we grew feelings for eachother after a loong conversation we had one night.

 

with my long distance relationship with this other girl, that was off. we broke it off and we don't talk to eachother anymore as much. but that's a whole different story.

well me and this girl, heather, have been talking ever since. we talked more and more became happier. talking about how much we think about eachother and all of that. then one day we decided that we grew a lot of feelings for eachother and we both became a 'couple' in a sense.

 

everything was going great, until one day i met this girl - kaitlin - who lives in the town over. she's a freshmen in high school. we just started talking online and just became friends. heather eventually found out about her through my 'aim profile' and asked me about her. i told her we were friends and that was it. she said okay. but i knew she didn't trust me. she has trust problems because she's witnessed her mom being dumped and cheated on by many guys. but kaitlin started becoming more fond of me. saying i was the only one who could understand her.

 

she really is a cool girl. i always have fun talking to her. we started talking on the phone and it went on. i still was talking to heather though and feeling the same. until one day, kaitlin asked me to come over her house and watch a movie. i was scared about telling heather this, so i didn't tell her right away. until heather found out about it through kaitlin's online journal, which she got access to.

 

heather didn't take it good at all. she was mad i didn't tell her about it and she became depressed. i kept telling her we were friends and that was it. she didn't believe me. but i ended up going to kaitlin's house. and just had an okay time. i came home and found heather sad. i didn't know what to say to her. so i told her that kaitlin makes me feel bad sometimes. and she does. but not intentionally. but heather got the wrong idea. we talked about things and things went back to normal. things between me and heather are always great when they are. we send eachother love letters and music to help us through the time we have to wait until we're together.

 

weeks passed until heather just bursted into sadness one night. saying how she's afraid that kaitlin might take me away from her. she told me if i didn't stop talking to her, she couldn't take it and she would leave me. by this time, we already told eachother that we love eachother. and i didn't want to stop talking to kaitlin because it's not me to just stop. so i lied to heather. because i was afraid if i didn't, heather would leave me. and i told her i stopped.

well, i continued talking to kaitlin. and heather. until one night, heather finds out that i've still been talking to kaitlin. that was a nightmare. we fought all night and she was thinking about leaving me. so i told her i'd stop talking to kaitlin but i haven't stopped. i lied again. i've tried to but i can't lose her as a friend. ever since, she doesn't trust me at all. she always questions about me and my actions. there are times where she trusts me. and i feel incrediabley guilty. i don't know what to do.

 

and i've told heather about my friend, j.r. and he drinks and does drugs but i still hang out with him because i'm in the band he is in. and we like to make music. i love music. but heather told me she won't let me see her until she knows i won't be hanging out with j.r anymore after high school. because she thinks j.r might influence me, or that j.r might bring girls to my attention and that i might leave her for one. ( she still doesn't trust me ) she thinks i'm wasting my time with my band, when we made 4 songs already, and she wants me to quit the band. or else she won't be happy. because she thinks i deserve to sing in my own band. i told her before how i disliked the band a bit. i don't know what to do about that

 

right now, guilt is eating me alive. we just fought and she just bursted into anger. calling me wimpy that i didn't immediately stop talking to kaitlin at first. saying how if i loved her, i would of stopped immediately. how she feels like she's just a rag doll that i carry around with me and that i use to make myself happy. i've asked others for advice and they say i need to tell heather to trust me or that's it. but i don't want to lose heather. she's special to me. in many ways. but i don't want to lose kaitlin as a friend. and i'm emotionally and physically sick of lying to her.

 

heather holds a grudge against me, saying how she never believes that i'll do anything for her. there are times where we are happy talking, but then there are times where we fight a lot. now she brings up not talking to eachother for a week cause the internet makes her sad.

 

we're planning on talking through the phone for the first time soon. to talk it over.

 

it's just now, i don't know what to do. i'm guilty of everything, i just don't want to lie to her anymore. but i don't want to lose her... i'm stuck

 

someone give me advice.. please

[mike-e-mike]

Oh mate your in a sticky situation. All I have to say is that if you aren't fooling around with either girl you really aren't doing anything wrong. Just make sure the girl you have feelings for knows she is exclusive I guess. If you are just hanging out with kaitlin there is no reason for heather to be upset, I would imagine she just feels a little helpless not actually having a physical presense in your life like kaitlin does. You were wrong to lie to heather about hanging out with kaitlin and doing that makes it seem like you have something to hide.

 

I'm sure if you start from the beginning and explain to her that she is the one you want and kaitlin is just a friend, you just didnt want to complicate things by telling her about kaitlin, she might see eye to eye. Having a relationship over the internet requires a lot of trust and if you've laid everything on the table and she still doesn't accept it...there isnt much left for you to do.

 

As for your mate, j.r., in your band. You have to love your mates no matter what the ladies say. When your with a lady youll leave your friends but they'll accept you back when it goes pear shaped, if it was the other way around and you left your lady to hang with your friends for a while there will be hell to pay. Dont stop hanging with your mate just because the chick says so.

 

As for the drugs and alcohol, if your gonna be in a band your going to find it very hard to avoid these things, trust me! unless you go to a christian band or something. Chances are any band your in will make you smoke heaps of weed and drink heaps of piss just make sure you keep it under control and stay away from the synthetic backyard lab shit!

 

Good luck with your situation just remember happiness can't exist without sadness.

[crookster_man]

Okay... so you haven't actually talked to her on the phone yet? I'm guessing you've never meet her in person either. Honestly, I don't understand internet relationships. Call me old fashioned. I just can't rationalize putting in that much energy and emotion into someone you've never meet and a person you only know through a few jpegs and text messages.

 

That being said, You need to figure out what you want. She is obviously a jealous and insecure person (your GF – is that what she is?) She doesn't trust you for whatever reasons... My guess would be the fact that you lied to her about this issue many times. Let alone she has some serious trust issues from her real life.

 

You both have valid points, in reality you are both right and both wrong to feel the ways you do. Understand? She has a right to feel concerned about the fact that you are spending a lot of time with a different girl, this is being compounded by the fact that you lie about it.

 

You on the other hand have the right to hang out with with whom ever you want. If she is your friend then that is it. Your GF will just have to learn to accept it. Feeling guilty and being grilled by her helps no one.

 

So you both have valid points, but as you can see they both clash. You are going to have to figure out what is more important to you. Honestly, this sounds like more trouble then it's worth. You don't have to be her crutch. I understand you care for her, but it sounds like this relationship is tearing you apart. Always change a losing game.

[jkp]

I have to say that I can empathize a little with Heather because my husband lied to me about a long distance internet relationship he had been in for a long time when we met. I believed him when he said that they were just friends, until I was at his apartment one day and found a gift he had received days prior from her proclaiming her unending love for him. I know he was still telling her that he cared about her, although he was in love with me. He had issues ending the relationship with her, so I said to choose between us. He ended the relationship with her, and she was very understanding about it. After this I was a little untrusting of him, but hoped the future would be different, so I tried to forget about it. He probably remained in contact with her because he liked the nice things she told him, and wanted a 'back up plan' so to speak.

After we were married, I found out he had advertised himself as single on a web site to get more attention from other girls. I am still with him and trying to trust him, but I don't know if our relationship will ever be totally repaired.

 

The point of all of this is that women know that men are easily tempted. Women can be too, but the greater percentage of people who cheat in relationships are men. If you want to establish trust with her, if you really care about her you need to say goodbye to Kaitlin. If you have doubts about your relationship with Heather and want a back up plan with Kaitlin, you need to say good bye to Heather and move on. If you explain the situation to Kaitlin and say you need to have some time to yourself to sort out your thoughts and relationship, if she is a true friend, she will leave you alone as long as it takes to sort out what you want, and if things bomb out with Heather, you can talk to her again. This sounds harsh, but until you can't have your cake and eat it too.

 

You need to tell Heather that she can't choose your friends for you, and tell her you will decide what you want to do about your band/music career. Unless you are contractually bound to each other, she has absolutely no say. She can give you her opinion and hope that she can do some good, but if she threatens a break up over it, it is abuse and you don't need to take that, especially from a girlfriend you haven't met yet. If she reacts badly to this, you shouldn't bother with someone so selfish. What happened in her life before you is not your fault or problem so you should allow it to sway you to do things she wants because she has a hard life. I was in a 3 year relationship with someone who was paranoid and possessive and I stayed with him because he was abused as a child and I felt sorry for him. Until you are married, take care of yourself, and only choose to be with someone who makes you feel good about yourself and who you can lean on in times of need.

 

The real test of a relationship is how you feel about them when you aren't talking. Do you sit there thinking about how she makes you feel good, or about how she makes you feel crappy because of trivial things.

 

Make a list of all things you love about her and all things that annoy you and weigh out whether the bad things are worth it in the end.

 

After this relationship, I would avoid internet relationships in the future. You may find, and the statistic is high, that when you meet someone that you met on the internet, the feelings you had over the computer may not be reflected in person. There is no substitute for face to face chemistry.

 

One last thought, and this may be argued by some, that men have men as friends, not women. If you are hanging out with a woman you want something more whether you want to admit it or not. If the woman is unattractive and boring, you wouldn't hang out with her. I have proven this again and again in the past. I tried to be friends with men who claimed that was all they were, and all of them wanted to date me in the end. And if you have any kind of romantic relationship with a girl at one time, it will never be purely platonic because you once had feelings and always will remember them.

 

Good luck with your situation.