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Ammieg

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  1. Ammieg
    i think about you, all the time. I hope you are OK. It was weird seeing you on Sunday, just the two of us alone. It made me sad. I hope your big presentation went OK at work. Sending you love, even though you dont deserve it, I send it anyway. I still care. But i wont contact you again. xx
  2. Ammieg
    I miss you. I do, genuinely miss you. No one believes me, they just think you were someone who treated me like crap. But I do. I miss having you in my life, i miss your jokes, your smile, the way you were. I am sorry that I got so angry at you last time that we spoke and that I lost the plot. I don;t know if we will ever talk again now, and i'm going to have to live with that for the rest of my life now, the fact that the last words I said to you were in spite and anger. I was overwhelmed with hurt and pain. And I am sorry. I would give anything to say that to your face. I'm sorry we couldn't leave on good terms. I hope you can forgive me, or more importantly, that I can forgive myself.
  3. Ammieg
    So, so sad today. Waiting for the tears to come. I'm trying to battle them away, but they always get the better of me in the end. This week will be so, so hard. This is around the time that you always come back. I know you wont be coming back this time. This is it, the end. And, even if you did come back, I wouldn't talk to you. You abused me. You don't deserve me. But, I'm still consumed in sadness today, and still want to be close to you, I want to feel you hold me again, and I still want you back. So confusing. So many conflicting emotions. black, white, love, pain, hatred, manipulation, control. But, you've finally let me go.
  4. Ammieg
    Day 20 Saw him at work. He was cheerful but avoided me. Tried not to let it bother me but I had to go for a walk and have a little cry. No doubt in my mind I can do this whole no contact thing, simply because I have no other alternative. He doesn't want to be with me any more. It's plainly obvious for all to see. I'm frustrated that I'm still hurting. I wish I could just move on and be happy now.
  5. Ammieg
    Need to vent. Gah, this still hurts. I was feeling OK until today. Seriously, when am I going to feel over you? Its been 20 days now. You walked into the canteen today. I was sitting chatting to the girls. You got your coffee and walked straight back out again. I know we are never getting back together, I know we would never work, but it still hurts that you are obviously avoiding me. Let me guess, you are doing it for my own good? You're doing it because you have a new girlfriend? Who knows why. I just wish we could be civil. I wish that you avoiding me wouldnt hurt so much. Friends are too much, I know. But being in the same room shouldnt be so stressful. I miss you.
  6. Ammieg
    Day 18 I almost blew it last night. I had an overwhelming urge to email him, but I emailed my friend instead. Phew. SO glad I didn't fall off the wagon again, when I came into work this morning he had moved his car to another part of the car park, away from where I usually park (we used to park together). I was glad he didnt see my weakness last night. I want to stop caring about him now, he obviously has stopped caring about me.
  7. Ammieg
    Day 16 I'm starting to find the days noticeably easier. I have stopped counting the days and almost forgot it was day 16 today. I still think about him, but I don't miss him. I worry a lot if he is going to contact me again, past history says yes but there is no point in worying about something I don't know is going to happen. Still, I can't stop myself. Not sure what to do about it
  8. Ammieg
    Day 13. I'm feeling OK. Proud of myself for getting this far, and not in the slightest tempted to break it. Going out to dinner tonight, will be sure to order something lovely to treat myself!
  9. Ammieg
    Day 11 of no contact after about 5 or 6 times of breaking up, and getting back together, I'm taking this seriously now. This year has been misery, and I deserve better and need to move on. Plus, I suspect he has now met someone else ;-( But probably for the best as it will stop him returning again. I've broken no contact the last 2 times when I miss him and get very upset. I refuse to do that again.
  10. Ammieg
    Day 5 After my optimistic day yesterday my mood seemed to crash and burn when I had to go up to his floor and see him as I had to talk to a colleague who sits near him. We locked eyes for a brief second. Its the first time I've seen him since we decided it was over. Then had an awful evening/morning, woke up at 5am and couldnt get back to sleep. Just cant stop feeling angry and hurt. Someone please tell me this is going to get better? I cant feel much worse. Been invited by a guy who's very interested in me to go over to his house. Despite me telling him that i'm in no fit state to start a relationship he's still persuing me. As per advice above I might give it a miss despite the fact that it might be better to not be alone right now.
  11. Ammieg
    Day 4 Had a good night sleep and the world seems like such a better place. I can't believe how much easier it is this time. Maybe there is only so much suffering a person can take? I'm sure there were good things during our relationship.... I just can't quite think of them right now. Fine by me. Gives me more resolve to follow through this time.
  12. Ammieg
    Day 3 Had about an hour of feeling sad and then back to feeling angry again. I still cant believe how badly he treated me. Wondering if he ever loved me at all. I'm determined to do at least 30 days, my aim is actually 60. He needs to think about the things that he's done and silence is more powerful than any words I could say.
  13. Ammieg
    Day 2 Broke NC to tell him to go away and not contact me again. He provoked me, and I failed the test by responding. I'm not planning on contacting him again now. Just sinking in now just how badly he has treated me! Feeling very angry about it. I'm hoping that will be a catalyst for change.
  14. Ammieg
    You tried to stop me talking to Katy, tried to get me away from her. And I realize why now. Katy said she was worried about me. She said you are abusing me. And she's right, you are. You wanted to stop me talking to her because shes the one person that can help me. She's made me realise what you are - just a sad, insecure, jealous man who is obsessed with me, not in love with me. Shes made me realise that we're in a honeymoon phase and that things will get worse again. You're being so sweet right now, but for how long? How long until I annoy you, and you get mad and angry at me? How long until you knock on my door and list all my faults, all the things that are wrong with me, how i'm not good enough? all the things Ive supposedly done to fail you, to make me feel guilty? How im supposedly a cheater and a liar? How long until you disappear without a word for a week, leaving me in the lurch? How long until you make plans then cancel last minute to purposefully upset me? I want to believe you can change so badly. You have so far for 3 weeks. Your charming, and caring and understanding right now. But you were abusive for 9 months. I can't get over the damage you caused, even if I wanted to. I'm a shadow of the person I used to be. You don't even recognise you need to change. I've tried to tell you, and you don't listen. I'm starting no contact today. I know you will come back eventually. I'll cross that hurdle when I come to it.
  15. Ammieg
    Day 1 OK. I know I have tried to do NC about 20 times and keep going back to him. we're not even officially together any more but I'm still talking to him! Its all so messed up. I just want to be with him preoperly or move on and heal now. He says hes put the ball in my court now and no longer taking the lead. Not even sure what that means. So I'm responding with NC. Things are lovely and caring between us right now but I need to remind myself that it was/is an abusive relationship and its in my best interests to stop going back to him however much I think this time will be different. I'm staying positive and I know I can do this. Hoping reading about others will help me follow through this time.
  16. Ammieg
    You think I'm weak. You think that I need you, that I can't live without you. You feel so important because I rely on you so much for emotional support. Well, I'm going to show you. I'm going to prove to you that I'm OK without you, that I AM strong, that I'm just fine living my life without you. I don't need you to lean on any more. I've realised just how manipulative you are. All the little things you did to try to keep me hooked on you, to stop me forgetting you. It made you feel so important didn't it? When you try to come back into my life I wont let you back in. I'm different now. I know my own worth. I know my own strength, and I know that I deserve better.
  17. Ammieg
    Day 7. Is this supposed to be getting easier? It's getting harder every day. Feeling really upset today. Got no sleep, and still anxious. It seems to be getting worse. Sat at work today wanting to burst into tears. The worst thing is knowing he's sat a floor above me at work, so close to me moving on with his life. The worst thing of all is knowing that eventually he will come back. He always does. And when he does, he will try to charm me back into bed. And instead I am going to have to be strong and walk away. All he'll ever want is to be FWB. He wont ever want to be commited to me. I have to get on with my life now, and make the best of this situation because the alternative is just going backwards. This really hurts. This is the lowest i've been yet
  18. Ammieg
    Thanks Brooke. You're doing well, don't give up! Like you I'm still trying to convince myself hes not coming back. But I'm starting to realise that its not his choice - he's not in control, I am. Day 6 today. Not as good as yesterday. Loneliness is starting to kick in now in the evenings. Have some underlying anxiety these last few days that I just cant get rid of.
  19. Ammieg
    Day 5 Feel so much better today. This is really the space that I want and need. I feel so much better without him in my life and know I deserve so much better than what he gave me. I'm looking forward to making it to the week mark.
  20. Ammieg
    Day 4. Been missing him this weekend. I've been thinking about him a lot. I have to go to a work party and he'll be there so ive been preparing myself. i feel like I starting to accept the reality now a bit more now and wouldn't necessarily want him back if he came. Sadly I feel less attached to him, and it really does feel like the end.
  21. Ammieg
    Day 2 Feel numb today, it doesn't really feel real yet. I think I need another few days to process it. I keep thinking he's going to come back like he's done countless times before. Trying to keep telling myself its forever this time. I'm not upset, I'm really glad he's out of my life now so I can move on and actually find someone who genuinely cares about my happiness. Feel quite excited about reaching day 30, it cant come soon enough.
  22. Ammieg
    Right, for the third time i'm back to day 1. *cries* I can do this, I know I can! Had to be a little harsh with him and tell him where to go. He just would not leave me alone, despite me being clear I needed space he kept calling and texting, so I asked him to leave my life completely. It's the only way although its not what I want. I can't believe he dumped me yet won't leave me alone! God my head feels messed up right now. He's playing such horrible mind games Here's to reaching a happier place 30 days from now.
  23. Ammieg
    day 5 Got a very sweet txt from him last night wishing me a happy Xmas. It made me very sad but I didn't reply, that's the first time I've never responded to him and it felt strange. I know its just breadcrumbs like its been for months. I cried a lot afterwards, it didn't really seem real till then. I dreamt about him last night as well. But I feel a bit better today. Something has released a little somehow, and I feel a little less sad now.
  24. Ammieg
    Day 3. Today still feels really hard but its getting better. Still overthinking like mad. Although the more time goes on the more I feel like moving on might be right thing to do although its not what i want. Which is promising.
  25. Ammieg
    Got my days mixed up! Last spoke to him on friday so It's day 2 today. Really struggled and been very hard day today because I've spent the day alone, but off to stay with family tomorrow for the holidays so hopefully it will get easier from now on!
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