CoeurdePirate

NC day 5, I think? I don't care anymore. I've gone from sadness to near indifference. That was quick. Life... my life... is good. I'm healthy, I'm blessed and I'm privileged. There are bigger problems in the world than this foolishness so its time to put this week of nonsense behind me and go back to having gratitude for what I've been given. Still gonna miss him, just gonna smile while I'm doing it.

Day 4. NC from BFF. There are a thousand things I see, hear and feel in a day that make me want to contact my ex BFF - to send a picture, tell a funny story, or tease just to be a brat. Instead, I've been doing that with my fiance, my brothers, my family and my amazing friends. I'm lucky to have them all. I try to count my blessings but it doesn't change the fact that BFF is still gone.

Dear Best Friend, I wasn’t expecting the tears. My stomach is in knots because I miss you already. I don’t know why I thought it would be easy to end our friendship but the universe quickly set me straight. I was up until 2:00 am last night, sitting at my piano, playing my guitar and looking at your photo on my Life Wall. I’m going to have to take it down. If I’m going to have any chance with T2, I need to show him that I’m in it 100%. The coward in me just wanted to run and never speak to you again in order to avoid the hurt that I knew was coming. But I owe you so much more than that so please view what I did, and how I did it, as the only way I knew how to say thank you and to show my unending love and respect for you. I feel I missed the mark though, and for that I’m deeply apologetic. I’m always far more brilliant after the fact. I’ve learned that just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to, it doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have. I know you do. And I need you to know that I do too. While I don’t believe it’s possible to fall in love with someone you’ve never met, you and I have a unique bond that I will cherish for the rest of my life, regardless of where this life takes me. The problem is that somewhere between our laughs, our long talks, our silly little fights and all of our jokes, I developed feelings. I knew better, and so this is my cross to bear and my burden to shoulder. I’m just sorry that it had to impact you too. I’m not disillusioned by the situation we’re in - we stuck to each other like glue for 3 years but I always knew subconsciously that it would have to end somewhere and it would probably be painful. That, coupled with the distance between us, was enough for me to be realistic about the idea of “us”, which is why I’ve carried on as your stalwart friend all this time. I love you, but I’m not in love with you. You love me, but you’re not in love with me. It seems that this equation would naturally result in an ongoing platonic friendship but T2 doesn’t see it that way. He sees me settling for him because there was never any possibility of you. He sees me professing my love for him every day, but wishing it was your face I was saying it to. He sees me living out my life with him as the next best available thing, as opposed to my first choice. Maybe he’s right. I don’t think I’ve allowed myself to process things that deeply, but just the fact that he’s said as much is reason for me to sit up and take notice. I found out a few days ago that he’s been going to counseling since we broke up in order to work on himself and prove that he’s committed to me. He’s given me a laundry list of his faults and his plans to work on them. The only fault he identified of mine is you. He’s working hard to be what I need; I have to do the same for him. If his only request is that I let you go so I can explore my true feelings for him, I feel it’s a request I need to entertain. I love you, but “I love you’s” should be seen and not heard, because actions speak louder than words. There’s nothing more I can do to show you, but there is something more I can do to show T2 and unfortunately that means letting you go. I think you know its better this way. That said, I know that God doesn’t give you the people you want. He gives you the people you need to help you, hurt you, leave you or love you so you can become the person you were meant to be. You’ve played such a critical role in shaping who I am today. The thought before every word is you. The breath before every note I sing is you. The words that move from my heart to my pen to my page are you. I’m going to miss just knowing you’re there. Every random thought that enters my head ends up before your eyes. You are the best version of me. Thank you for the lovely goodbye. In some ways it made it harder, but ultimately you made a very difficult job very easy for me and that’s simply another testament to the person you are. Thank you for your open offer of a no questions asked support system. I hope I never have to take you up on it but I’m so grateful that you would even consider having me back if I needed it. You entered my life as a spark and that spark was enough to set me ablaze. Your presence became the soundtrack of my life and I’ll continue to live your song until my heart plays its final beat. I’ve realized that future dreams can never last when you find yourself living in the past. But if you never stop when you wave goodbye, you just might find, if you give it time, that you can wave hello again. So until then, puppy… Don’t stop fishing, but start eating fish. Remember me when Nate plays. Use the MF word all the time. Write. Please write. It doesn’t matter what you write, who you write it to, or if anyone ever sees it. Just write. Learn to play the guitar even if you only take one lesson. I’ll be with you the whole time, just listen for me. Dominate Monopoly. Ease up on the passive aggression. I know you can do it. Eat even more Mexican food. Don’t ever give up your elf stuff. Think of me when you see a giraffe. Buy a duvet and a duvet cover, already. Go see the Rodin museum and Poe’s house. Don’t give up on Penguin Olympics. Keep smiling. I adore your smile. Back off of the mozzarella fries. Travel. Travel a lot and do it soon. Be nice to Canadians. Kiss Nero. And Play Crack the Sky.