indigoblue

I miss you so much! I regret breaking up so * * * * ing much. I can't relate to anyone anymore 3 Ugh.

Day 35 I kind of don't miss you anymore I'm talking to other guys and dating... I still think about you and compare you with other men but I'm doing better now. I hope I don't make the same mistakes.

I just realized you weren't my type since the beginning, but I was intrigued by you. As the saying goes "Curiosity killed the cat." I don't think we're compatible... through time we could work things out but we never got there.

I want you to talk to me, send me a message. Why did I hate you before but now I want you more than ever? Why why why. I only fell hardest when we broke up. I kept telling myself I am not really in love, but it turns out I was heartbroken in the end. That's how I feel. I want you again and I keep thinking of our first moments together. I might never experience something this real ever.

Day 31 I was thinking of texting him today, but my horoscope told me I might make a bad move lol so I did not. Phew. I was even thinking of messaging him on fb. Now I'm watching the music vid for "Best thing I never had" haha!

I am realizing how important you are to me. I took you for granted, and even though we might not be together again I still want you in my life in some way... but it would really hurt me to see you with someone else, and myself being alone still. I want to know if you still have feelings for me. I might never be able to connect to anyone like this... you were special to me.

I only want you now because I know I can't have you ... and you're already taken It kind of hurts but I know I have to move on. I keep reminding myself that I wanted the break up anyway... or I expected it to happen eventually so what am I complaining about? Have a happy life.

BU: Aug. 11 NC: 28 days Why can't I get over it

Actually, I am sorry for all the bad things I said to you and if I put you down. I could have been nicer and less of a * * * * * ... I've never let a man be so close to me so I couldn't believe it and I just had to ruin things. I want you to be happy but I also want you to think of me most days. Not a damn second goes by without me thinking about you. Why do I feel so awful about everything?

This ^^ minus the cheating but he did go back to his ex from 2 years ago!

On a further note, I think you were being emotionally abusive sometimes and I felt humiliated when I had to please you sexually even though it was my choice, other times you just humiliated me. I couldn't tell if it was your mental illness or your disdain for women. That's the reason why I had hesitations in getting back with you. Why do I still want you after? I think I just want to prolong things because I would seem like I'm working at it and appear like I'm good with my relationships. I'm not all broken and I know I can live without you. There are more people out there who will love me and care for me. I will respect myself and not turn back, I hope you will gain the same self-respect for your own sake. I wanted to be the one to fix your life, but I know I can't handle it. My mother told me to persist, but what the * * * * does she know? She would make me feel bad for giving into doing sexual acts with you, even though I am still a virgin, so you didn't take everything. It might be worse if we get back together, I wish you happiness still for some reason. I would throw insults at you and you would disrespect me too and it just wasn't healthy. I didn't tell my friends apart from 2 and my mother the dirty details. I know a break-up was for the best. We could have improved things, but even then, it just didn't feel right... I'm not sure if I will ever see you again. It sucks this is how I'll remember my "first love", it's like the beginning of a bittersweet road in my life. I still feel the need to say sorry... My God. I feel horrible about being dumped, but I would feel just as bad if I dumped you. I cried so hard, and sometimes I still do. I keep thinking how I could have improved things, but I'm not sure if they would have turned out differently if we did reconcile.

I am still so bitter about the break up and I don't know why. We only lasted for a month technically, but you were the first to break my heart I guess. I feel like my friends and family think less of me for some reason and I still can't help but feel guilty even though I didn't think we would last anyway. I just feel bad because things did not go my way and I still think about you everyday. Not a minute, possibly a second goes by without me thinking of you. You are a grown man, despite you having a teenage mind, and I know you have moved on. I feel bad because sometimes I didn't think you were good enough and I knew you knew that. I will never connect with anyone the way I did with you. When we were together though, things just did not feel right, but why do I dwell on it? My mom made me feel so guilty. I just felt the need to break it because I was no longer in control. I never thought it would be a big deal if we broke up but it is... although it shouldn't be. I'm sorry I let you down, I know you were going through some rough times. I hate being replaced with someone else, I hope she's good to you and gives you what you deserve. I'm sorry if I hurt you when we were together. I kind of wish you were feeling miserable but at the same time I still care for you. I just care about other people's opinion of me, I think that made things worse for me. I just hate it when other people make decisions for me. I lost someone so important in my life... I don't have a lot of close friends and I feel empty without you. Why am I angry when I'm with you and I felt like I was losing self-respect, but when I'm without you I'm lonely as ever. It's a lose-lose. I always thought it would work for the best... I just don't like the way it turned out.

It's been exactly 3 weeks to date with NC

I don't know why I feel like I was confused about my feelings for you when we were together, even though it was just for a short time. Now I want you so bad so desperately I would do just about anything to have you back and keep you.