SilverMoon

I knew you weren't right for me when we got together, but you fell in love with me and i wanted you for so long and i loved how you loved me, so i said yes. It was amazing. The most amazing love and feeling and togetherness, a whole year of it. sure it was hard, LDR's are never easy, and sure I made mistakes and wish the times I was down i turned to a friend instead of always turning to you - i wish i had shown you more of the good and made you feel amazing always. i don't know what i was thinking coming here. how do you go from ldr to moving overseas - doomed from the start. a year of hell. good times, bad times, hurtful words, fights like i never knew we could know. i regret not laying a better foundation for us, for rushing things and not taking the time to build. and i know you were scared and probably started resenting me at that stage. we should have just saved our money and travelled for 3 months. we should have built a home together first. but you didn't have to lie, you didn't have to cheat, you didn't have to stop talking to me and block me out of your life. i reacted so badly, i didn't know how to communicate with you. i do now. i pushed you away, you pushed me away. why? going back home we were happy again, we should have just stayed there. i wanted to move to perth. then you found out about last year and it was a chain reaction of bad choices and moments and here we are. 4 months after i told you to leave, wanting to reconcile, wanting you back. i can't stand how you treat me. how can you say it's a break up when you are so happy around me, sleep next to me holding me like you did when you loved me, sharing wonderful moments travelling and talking and birthdays and everything that couples do. i am so so so sorry for hurting you and behaving like i did. i am ashamed by some of my actions and most of my words when i was angry. i have learnt so much about myself from you and from this experience. and now you are going away, back home. i never think things through do i, think about all the possibilities and consequences and this one, i have nothing to prepare myself except to let you go now. you have been so unfair on me, using me, taking advantage of me. do you know how it makes me feel to have you bring over your laundry or want to use my computer. that you aren't here to see me but still getting what you want and asking too much of people? how could you fool yourself into thinking i am fine with just being friends? you know i'm not. all the times i asked you to come back and cried over us in front of you and opened up with my feelings? you have feelings too. i know you do. you told me you loved me and cared about me. you held me in your arms for hours, playing with my hair, kissing my face softly. and bawling like a baby when i told you i was seeing someone else. you wanted to kill yourself, i saw the bottle sitting on the shelf when i went to your place for the first time. and that was over me. if you think having 1000 more women is going to make you happy or that you will ever meet anyone like me you are wrong. you told me iand showed me that i was the most amazing woman you had ever met, and for someone who has been with more women than anyone i know you meant it. if you hadn't found anyone like me in all that time, i doubt you will again. they all look attractive now don't they, on facebook and email. they all want a piece of you like they always did, all the married bored housewives and women from your past. so go ahead, do what you think you want to and be with them. see if they will do for you what i did. your fantasy, the feeling you have never ever had before with anyone else. you won't again. that's not me being cocky or full of myself, it's the truth. noone knows you like i do, you say i am your best friend. well you can't have that anymore. you find a new best friend, a new person to be there like i was. to love you and understand you and deal with all your wee things and insecurities and indecisiveness. people only change a little bit if at all. go have sex with all those other girls and get the attention you so badly crave and which one person is not enough to give you because you don't feel enough within yourself. i am so sorry i added to those insecurities at times but i was trying to reach you and nothing worked. so i got mad. really really out of control mad. i have to go now. i'll write more later but i am getting upset and i don't want to feel this way anymore.

4 months of seeing each other after the breakup. I am done. How can cuddles and kissing and holidays and sharing birthdays and having fun together = a breakup. NC for life.