lol, I ended up having a nightmare last night. it woke me up at 5am and now I'm really grumpy (not just because I've been informed I have to mow the lawn...joy)
nightmares about scary men and dogs attacking me...what fun. bah.
something kindof funny, kindof strange happened yesterday. my ex (who I haven't mentioned yet since that's just a whole other ballpark) signed me up for getting condom samples through the mail. what a nice guy.
I guess this is as good a time as any to talk about my ex. he was one of the first people I opened up to about my depression. and for months everything was perfect with him... but he started to change I guess. Maybe I did. he's in the military and has no problems with sharing just what he's done to people. and he has no problems doing things to people just because he doesn't like them, etc. takes drugs, deals drugs, though he never let me have any. races, gets into fights, more him beating up people since he doesn't like them...
anyway
we started geting into a lot of fights around february. he hates my friends and tells me about it, and exactly what he'd do to them if he could. and I get really over-protective of people I care about a lot. and he would pick fights when I said I had to do my homework, because he dropped out of highschool and thought that anyone could just get a job like him and make thousands without bothering with college... so yeah, we fought more than anything else. one day I was telling a friend of mine about how red his cheeks got in the cold because I thought it was cute, so we called him up and teased him about it. he told me if I had said it to him in person, he would've killed me. that week was the first time I tried to break up with him, but he got me to give him another chance.
in may we had fought so many times since his "last chance" that I told him it was over. he knew I'd been off and on suicidal that april (not my best month in history) and told me to go ahead and kill myself. then he said to "use a dull razor so it would hurt a lot and your parents would cry" and after that he told me to go step infront of traffic and he'd get the police pictures and...uh... yeah, I'll stop there because it just gets more disgusting.
so there is my ex.
I broke up with him for good then, though we still talk. And we still fight once in a while. in fact we fought today but it's mostly my fault. I have a cough and he thinks I have a lung infection...bah.
so yeah, there it is. one more bit to why I feel like all this. I remember when I'd tell my ex I had cut myself he'd go and say he'd hurt himself because I had, and that hurt even more. my friends called it emotional abuse, but I'm not sure.