abbeh

lol, I ended up having a nightmare last night. it woke me up at 5am and now I'm really grumpy (not just because I've been informed I have to mow the lawn...joy) nightmares about scary men and dogs attacking me...what fun. bah. something kindof funny, kindof strange happened yesterday. my ex (who I haven't mentioned yet since that's just a whole other ballpark) signed me up for getting condom samples through the mail. what a nice guy. I guess this is as good a time as any to talk about my ex. he was one of the first people I opened up to about my depression. and for months everything was perfect with him... but he started to change I guess. Maybe I did. he's in the military and has no problems with sharing just what he's done to people. and he has no problems doing things to people just because he doesn't like them, etc. takes drugs, deals drugs, though he never let me have any. races, gets into fights, more him beating up people since he doesn't like them... anyway we started geting into a lot of fights around february. he hates my friends and tells me about it, and exactly what he'd do to them if he could. and I get really over-protective of people I care about a lot. and he would pick fights when I said I had to do my homework, because he dropped out of highschool and thought that anyone could just get a job like him and make thousands without bothering with college... so yeah, we fought more than anything else. one day I was telling a friend of mine about how red his cheeks got in the cold because I thought it was cute, so we called him up and teased him about it. he told me if I had said it to him in person, he would've killed me. that week was the first time I tried to break up with him, but he got me to give him another chance. in may we had fought so many times since his "last chance" that I told him it was over. he knew I'd been off and on suicidal that april (not my best month in history) and told me to go ahead and kill myself. then he said to "use a dull razor so it would hurt a lot and your parents would cry" and after that he told me to go step infront of traffic and he'd get the police pictures and...uh... yeah, I'll stop there because it just gets more disgusting. so there is my ex. I broke up with him for good then, though we still talk. And we still fight once in a while. in fact we fought today but it's mostly my fault. I have a cough and he thinks I have a lung infection...bah. so yeah, there it is. one more bit to why I feel like all this. I remember when I'd tell my ex I had cut myself he'd go and say he'd hurt himself because I had, and that hurt even more. my friends called it emotional abuse, but I'm not sure.

I do have a diary, online and offline actually... it's my link in my profile though it's not more than just random crap that comes out of my mind. And then I do sing sometimes, but only if no one else is around *g* There isn't a lot to do around my town when I'm home alone, and it's not very safe walking around here at night- crazy neighborhood dogs and all. My parents are over-protective and don't let me go out at night most of the time anyway. Being sheltered durring gradeschool is one thing, durring college it's torture. I know that cutting isn't the answer to depression. I know it helps nothing and only makes my life more miserable. But it does feel like an addiction sometimes and I just can't stop. So many of my friends are cutters or burn themselves too. It's hard finding someone I know who doesn't now. Even my boyfriend used to. Sometimes it's an addiction, sometimes a retreat, sometimes a release and sometimes it's just nothing at all. Just an outward show of the emptiness I feel most of the time. Because that's what I really am- empty.

heh, right as I post that my mother comes in and yells at me for staying up late. Accusing me of being addicted to the internet... my dad says he'll rip out the computer cords from the wall if he catches me online late... I wish all my friends weren't easier to IM than to call... Sometimes I really regret transferring schools and becoming a commuter. You asked why I'm depressed? I guess I shouldn't be sometimes. But sometimes I have reasons. It pretty much started when my best friend died. I don't really want to go into his death because I was the only one there and I don't want to remember it right now... but that was about 4 years ago and people I care about keep dying. Three friends, an aunt who was really close to me, my friend's father. And then a bunch of friends turned on me last february, something I hadn't dealt with since grade school. I guess I let this stuff get to me... Now my best friend is angry at me because I let it get to me. I know suicide is a selfish thing to do, but once in a while it feels like I haven't been selfish enough in life. I mean I know how it would feel to my family and friends since a good friend did recently kill herself. I know it hurts, and I know people would blame themselves and feel terrible... but sometimes it's hard to think about that. I'm just babbling now... I don't know what I really want to say, or what I really want to do to help myself. Right now I'm not even sure I do want to help myself. I pass myself off as an amateur poet, but sometimes the only way I can write is when I'm depressed and the words just seem to come to me. See, babbling, lol. Anyway, thankyou for your words. They really do help.

I haven't really done something like this... posting about these feelings like this... before so excuse me if this is cliche or weird or whatever... I've been thinking about it on and off for years now. Ever since I can remember, really. I tried it once, and was stupid and didnt' do it right. There's just a sick little scar under my watch now. But sometimes it's hard to ignore it, you know? Sometimes I can't ignore those feelings and little thoughts and voices in my head. For some time now I've been a cutter and I've only recently started telling a few of my friends. Mostly they tell me to stop, though I've gotten a few "I'm disgusted" replies. My boyfriend is trying to help me stop, but my parents wont let me see him much and it gets so hard when he's not with me. Two weeks ago a friend of mine killed herself, and it's getting harder and harder not to feel like that's my answer, too. Some of my other friends are angry at me because I didn't go to her funeral. I just couldn't. I didn't want to face the truth. Every six months or so another friend of mine dies. I can't take much more of this. I keep losing friends, and I wish there was a way to make the world stop so people wouldn't go away any more. Should I tell my parents? They didn't even want to talk about my friends suicide. I'm sure they wouldn't want to talk about me. Anyway, I live at home with them but there's never anyone to talk to. I'm by myself all the time and I can't stand much more of this. I don't know why I'm typing all this out, or if I'll get any answers, but I do thank you for reading this far... It's just there's a razor on my desk and a towel in my lap and I don't want to dissappoint my boyfriend. He'll know I've been cutting when he sees me tomorrow, but I just can't help it... I'm sorry about all of this... it's probably a pain to read these and reply. You dont' have to reply. I'm ok.