boomroasted

holy crap, I havent see you or heard your voice in a month and right now I feel like someone is squeezing my heart. I want you back in my so badly. What am I to do? Should I call you and hope that the small chance that you will agree to see me? Last time you saw me in person we were kissing outside the subway and everything seemed alright. Don't tell yourself this needs to be. It doesn't. I want to fight for you so bad but I'm scared as hell I'm just going to push you away further! Someone tell me I shouldn't do this.

I want to call you so bad or text to ask to hangout. I know I shouldn't unless I'm ready to hear the worst. You asked for space and I've given it to you, albeit with a few falls off the wagon. I feel so feel weak right now and hate that I don't have the inner strength to suck this up and push past it. Not contacting you feels like I'm watching you walk away, with your own disillusions about why you must do this. I haven't see or heard your voice in a month and the only girl I've ever loved is fading away. But i also know that trying to convince you to see me will only make you resent me in the end. A serious Catch 22. Do you think about all the beautiful times we had together? Do you miss me? All the future experiences we talked about having? I have no idea what to do here. I'm so afraid if I try to talk to you you're going to only push me away. I feel the strength in me to have the dignity and respect for both of us to not try to force this, but yet I fall apart at the thought of losing you forever. Every day is a struggle. But I promised myself and you that I can see this through and I will. I have to be the man that I know i need to be. That's on my honor as a man, for you, and more importantly, for myself.

Day 7. It isn't easy. But gettin through.

I haven't talked to you in a week, and I know I have the strength to move on. But the knowledge of having the strength that I will move on and be happy and forge a life without you, doesn't mean I don't still ache so much for somehow having lost you. Maybe losing you was inevitable, but it doesn't weaken the dreams and vision I saw of all the happy times ahead for us. One of the hardest things for me to come to grips with is that every person is free to feel how they want and decide when they are in love and when they are not. No matter how much I ruminate the past and hope to find understanding, there's none to be found. There are no rules or restrictions in the way in which our emotions can shift. You are your own woman, and despite how much I love you, and how close we became, it is up to you to decide the people and relationships in your life. I know that I made mistakes but I take comfort in how good I was to you, and how much support I gave to you in such a difficult time in your life. It wasn't our time, and maybe there'll never be a time. I don't want to resent you, because you showed me a side of myself I've never seen before. But the questions of what if and why linger. They approach and recede like the tide. I've let you go, and its such a humbling feeling to see you move on despite how crazy I am about you. What a hapless situation. I love you, and want to see you find happiness in yourself and your own life. Goddamn it.

Day 6 complete. The urge to contact her isn't that strong as I know it won't do anything but set me/us back. But it's still such a miserable feeling to have someone who means so much to me just fade away like it was a dream i just woke up from.

Onto Day 5. It's getting easier, but harder if that makes sense. It's the only road to take.

Onto Day 4. It's such a weird array of emotions. One second I am angry for how seemingly easily she can cancel me out after everything, next I am confident we'll get back together, next I want to leave her in my past forever etc etc. I want answers, but at the same time, I know there are no answers. At least none that will piece the puzzle together. Only thing I am confident in is that NC is the best and only option to move forward. It's so easy to break, just a text away. But I know that text/phone call won't do anything except make me look weak and feel desperate. What I find helps is everytime I get the urge to write something, is to tell myself that this weak feeling will pass. Everytime I last through that feeling, I feel incredibly strong when I come out of it.

Day 1- Didn't bring phone to work. Not that bad. Thoughts are a little less muddled and questioning, more acceptant. Onto Day 2.

Day 1- Technically it should be like day 10, but due to several occasions(including her reaching out) and a dignity killing last night 4am "I am so afraid text of losing you blah blah blah", resulting in an OJ Simpson Heisman stiff arm, it's clear more than ever that I have to pick up what sacrificied pride I have left, and start this * * * * * of a challenge. Once I get over the initial hump, I'll be good I hope and its 100% is the only path to take. It's time to stop trying to figure why things are they way the are and just move the hell on. Day 1 fellas.