sunshine34

I don't feel well and I can't sleep.. Today was the best news I've heard in a very long time and the chains were released, I felt free. Free from my health issues, free to breathe , to live. You didn't text me to ask how things went.. I figure u forgot it was today or maybe you figured I'd text you, which I did and I don't feel badly because after everything you deserve to know I am okay now. We exchanged a few texts, I felt myself starting to get sucked in again.. Upset and scheming about a way about a possibility, but this time I understood the impossibility of it all and also the desire isn't real. Because the desire is for the man I thought you were, not the man you are. I had a realization today, more of an epiphany really, the whole reason this hasn't affected you is because of your life choice. Ironically, you telling me "you don't approve of my life choices", but now I'm seeing I dot approve of yours.. I'm not saying your motives to be a dr aren't true and genuine, but what you have allowed the experience and Miami to do to you sickens me.. The entire viewpoint of this situation to you must have been very routine. Very mundane and scripted like you in the hospital helping patients. I was just like another patient, I didn't mean anything but a job. U go in you help you leave. Emotions at te door. A science project if you want to call a spade a spade. So I said goodbye to you.. Because if I didn't, I wouldn't, and then the door would always be open.. Open for you to waltz in and send me a text , maybe try to sleep with me when you return from Europe , whatever it would have been.. To just destroy all the work I had done without you. And even though statistically, you would have more than likely not even messaged me again, it's the possibility. It's the thought, the lingering idea that you could set me back that I needed to end. Because no matter what would hae happened if I didn't, it wouldn't end w me beig happy. It would end w you diminishing and destroying every shred of a joyful memory I had of you. That is what is beginning to happen, each word you profess weakens the bond we once shared down to their individual molecules and properties. All of a sudden, I can't see a bond, just ideas and remnants of what was a weak molecular attraction not a bond. I'd rather keep the past a happy memory, learn from what happened and move forward. Instead of living w a door open that will always be empty and leave me drained and cut. Now the only thing left is waiting for a response which honestly I hope doesn't come because there's nothing you could say to be additive to me. Because you don't have real feelings and anything you say will show that. It will stab knifes into the memories of when you did until they bleed to death. This is my new sanctuary , you live to die in this gigabyte.

I have this massive urge to text you "all I want to do right now is snuggle because I'm scared" I hate my mind.. for allowing me to think I can use my fear and my health as an excuse to be weak and deny the truth. if u really loved me the way I need you to, I should be able to say that I want to snuggle anyways and you'd want that too. you wouldn't feel the need to "explore other women", I would be enough. you would be texting me and sending me flowers apologizing for how much of a **** you were. but you aren't, and trying to crawl back into your arms to comfort me will do nothing but hurt me in the end, because you don't love me. I am still utterly confused about your feelings but I probably won't ever understand. can't and won't understand how a person could be so intimate with me, take me to surgery, care about my aftercare and my decisions and have feelings for me but still seek other women. I have friends that I care for, but I would not be that intimate and that close with them because we are friends and it would make me uncomfortable. wherever you are on the 50 effing shades of gray with this makes you a scumbag. I hate men who are inbetereneers and the old you never was. now that we have something meaningful its less to you.. which makes no ****ing sense. you want some superficial thing. that's the worst part. some superficial thing is better than seeing each other through hard times and growing together. well eff you too

I miss u a lot today. I am nervous about my drs appointment and bc u were always there in the past to calm my nerves it's hard not having u here.i know no matter what happens u won't be there for the rest of the process and that makes me uneasy to say the least. it's so hard to forget the little things, the way u used to wash my hair in the shower, hold me all night , the little kisses, the sweet text messages, the feeling I used to have with you of instant trust which is gone now. all of it is in the past with the person you were, yet I keep wanting to resurrect you. I know that person is a memory, I just wish I could live in that memory a little longer and maybe convince him to come with me and destroy you I miss my dimitri. this dimitri isn't mine , he's a philandering fool.

this is now the end of day 3 nc and honestly I am starting to feel stronger and happier. when I was talking with you I was so depressed and defeated because it was a constant reminder of my failure.. that no matter what I was doing or would do, it wasn't enough and that wasn't making me happy. I find out the results from surgery Thursday and I'm assuming you will contact me then , as long as I keep it brief, I think that it shouldn't set me back. I'm past the stage of anger and leaving sadness.. I still have moments where it's hard to process the fact that this isn't temporary, that forever I will not have you hold me or look into my eyes or even speak with me. friendship with an ex never works, especially with you because of the love I had for you. that's disappointing and sad that I've said goodbye to you as a person , not just a lover and we both still deeply care for one another. this too shall pass and I know it. better things lie ahead.. I'm looking for a husband in my future , someone to start a family with and that was never your end goal. plus I shouldn't be with someone who is this doubtful and truth be told, I was doubtful our entire relationship. things are better this way, the only talk of you or about my feelings will be to this digital cubby hole that vacuums it in as if it was never written. now is the time to say goodbye, not just to our potential future, but to you as a person. it was fun, I learned a lot and have given it everything, but there is simpy nothing I can do or could have done for this to be different. goodbye dimitri.

one minute I am perfectly okay, set in my ways and level headed/understood that this is right that I will be okay. the next I am depressed / sad about things, I think this is because even though we have been broken up a while we haven't been nc for more than 2 days. the second the reality of losing you starts hitting in , I've had you texting or I've texted and then something has happened to further the possibility of it working out. now it is time to deal with my feelings, it's okay that you rejected me and my proposal for our future, it's time to accept it is over forever . you are my past and that's more than okay. I will get through this. being with someone who needs other woman is unacceptable, I deserve to be treated like a princess and you didn't even take me out anymore. I just want this to be over, it is over but my feelings are not. they are stuck in the past with the man you used to be and I want to give them back to myself and leave all of this behind. I don't want any you in my thoughts .. ugh, emotional work

I need to confess that I broke nc today.. I was doing so well.. I guess I was expecting you to cave and since you didn't I found a lame excuse and texted u about a movie we didn't get to watch together. we texted back and forth and I told you about going to the gym and you were concerned its too early and vomit speechif to me why I shouldn't and why it's ba for me and before well when I did think there was hope I would have seen the sign as u care genuinely and there was hope but I now know there isn't and it's just friendly concern. stupid me redirects to the one piece of you I haven't thrown out and you just give me a " I tell you it was a happy memory and you tell me to keep it. ounce of false hope until there is a lull in the conversation and I realize, I no longer trust you.. the same familiar feeling I had when I was over your house and your phone was vibrating last time mixed with the "I want to explore other options", I don't trust you. nothing can fix that, nothing can fix this. not even my relentless loving you with your unwillingness to open your eyes. I've said that before, but now I believe it. I found a way to end the conversation as nonabrubtly as possible because saying goodbye is never easy. I get a feeling of stupidity and regret. the sacrifice of dignity for emotional comfort wasn't worth it this time and I am highly debating deleting your number. I know how my mind works and if I do that I'll just think about it more, so I just need to come here next time instead of texting you. changing patterns will bring about change. this will never work, even if u tried now, I don't trust you and I know it would be fake. at the moment, that doesn't make it easier for me to not want it, but hopefully, eventually it will. I know texting you will just hurt me and remind me that you wont and can't give up other girls for me and that I can't trust you. both will erode me and I have no more room for erosion than the work you have already done on my inside. you and the world. the world and my health. my mind and my stupid choices. I am sorry for texting you and letting my mental image get the better of me. all this is is a facade of a person. me wanting to believe the facade and the miracle painting, but the truth has stared me in the face enough and I want a better reality. please stop hurting yourself Jen. you deserve better and I love you even though dimitri cannot.

i am starting to understand that each day that passes without you, is a new block added to my life comprised of less of you. Soon the days will build up and the parts that were comprised of you will be replaced by the parts that do not have a trace of your existence. "Tired of being treated like I'm stupid. Baby I'm done. I could go off, I could show my ass Blow up like a tanker gas, but instead I choose to maintain my class and simply tell you that it's over". Initially, I left you, because you didn't make me feel loved and appreciated and you sort of ruined my birthday. Were my expectations a little out of line? YES and maybe I was relying too much on the superficial, but truthfully... Had you taken me back, I probably would have left you again for the same reasons. You are a child and you don't know how to treat a woman. This time, you refused to be official with me, perhaps because I took you into my dungeons and tore down my walls for you, showed you the woman behind the curtain pulling the strings. THe trick wasn't as delightful for you once you saw the real person behind it, and that's cool. I still appreciate you being there for me and at the same time, even though I am not fully there yet, I know eventually I will appreciate you not letting me in. Because, truthfully, I don't think you were right for me. A man that can not love the visceral connection we shared and value the smoke show more is disgusting to me. Especially when the smoke show wasn't the best part. Your smoke show was like a bad concert that no one showed up to. So many men have wooed me so much better than you and I know in the future, the smoke show and the visceral being behind it will be 100% better than your conceited pre-me dr self. Back to my point about moving forward, I feel confident that each step I take without you, is a step closer to my newer, brighter, better future. I'm almost turning a corner where I know I can see the light ahead, but part of me still wants to turn around and run into your arms. THeres a piece of me still anticipating your return, your comeback, but I am also believing more that I don't want that and that it's not going to happen. I pray my results come back okay and then I can bid you adieu. Even though I already have, I feel like if they don't come back okay and you text to check on me, this will end up dragging on. I simply have to remind myself that even if it's not okay, you are not family, you are not permanent, and you are NOT the person I want to help me with this any longer. I feel inside in my faith I will be okay, and I hope I am, but even if not, I cannot turn to you. All that being said, I am walking forward. This chapter is closing and there will be no more you in my life. For the first time, I don't want to break into tears writing that, because I've learned a couple of things. One is that, you need to open your eyes to what is actually in front of you. It's not the person you want to see, rather it is the person that is there ; the way you treat me would not change. The way you treat me is unacceptable, and I no longer have to bear that burden. No longer have to wake up sad that you valued our past more than our future, sad that you are playing with my heart like a puppeteer, disappointed in your shortcomings emotionally , mentally, and as a man. All of these hot stones on my back have been released. I should not be sad about that. I will no longer stare at a glass of water and beg it to be wine, in the future I WILL not allow my feelings to stand in the way of other people's words. I WILL not convince my heart to fight for something I should give up on, and I WILL NOT let someone see me that vulnerable again. Unless I am willing to pick up my own pieces, unless there is a ring on my finger, unless that person has become that vulnerable and weak with me. Otherwise, I will bear the rigid cytoskeleton I have acquired over the years. I will pick up my shell, add this layer, and move forward with these notes attached. I WILL NOT allow myself to trust someone is a "good person" based off of intuition again and I will not give them any credit that was not earned by them. How you allow others to treat you is how you think you deserve to be treated, respect is not given, it is taken. I am no longer this person that I have been in the past. Today and Tomorrow are new days.

this weather is fitting to my mood, its raining and dreary just like how I am on the inside right now.. I know you aren't the guy I want in my life because no matter what I do you won't treat me correctly. That doesn't alleviate all of the symptoms I have from loving you. I'm still in a phase of confusion , the anger has subsided, the sadness is probably coming. I just dont understand how you could be so present in our moments, cry with me, tell me you loved me back, and then tell me you are nto sure if you will want to explore other options in the future. It makes me sick. I didn;t think you were that kind of guy, but I;m starting to think you are just like all the other dbags and man hos I used to date. I guess none of it matters anymore. No matter what I did for you, I could have built a building for you and you would still be telling me you didnt know and you were confused. It's not worth it, I just wish my heart would give up on having love for you like yours has decided to give up hope of us together. you are such a jerk.

I have lost nothing because you gave me nothing. all you did was take from me. maybe you gave me your time, but even then all the moments that we apparently shared , we didn't. it was just me in them. even the moments I have not lost because I never had them. I never would have them. I've gained opportunity for love, all encompassing, reciprocal love. something you wouldn't know anything about. deep, real, visceral love not superficial connection and conversation or someone to just pass time with. no. a real man, a real lover who wants a family with me not a girlfriend who continually loves and showers him for nothing in return. you don't deserve me.

I am such a fool. last time I posted here I was in the same place that I'm finding myself in again, me looking for lost hope in the cracks. somehow finding it and pulling you out only to be heartbroken again because the hope was never there. this time your response was explicitly about other woman. the night before my surgery, I don't know how or why this was discussed then.. I guess because I wanted to know where you stood before having u go through this experience with me.. you said I don't know where I stand, what you want or where you are. I of course had to speak volumes for you to speak sentences or words.. I told you I would wait for you because my faith in you and us was so strong bc I believed after some time you would see what I did and believe in it. that there was a difference between knowing if it can logistically work and if you want it to.. you kept saying I don't know.. I hate this moment. the moment when everything we shared becomes a memory, even though it happened seconds before this conversation then and now are worlds apart and all of a sudden I don't know this man standing in front of me. this wordless piece of work. I ask you what the difference between what we have been doing and a label is? you tell me it's because you want the possibility of someone else, that you might want to see someone else in the future. I tell you that you are an *******, for putting superficial trivial connection possibility above the depth we have established. that there is someone practically begging me to be with him and the one I want can't even tell me he wants to try. I don't understand how you can pretend to be with me just as close as I am in our moments and then say these things to me.. you admit you are an ******* and things are awkward bc I have surgery tomorrow I'm staying at your place and I don't want to look at your disrespectful disgraceful face. I fall asleep alone and u come in and try to hold me. I wonder in these moments what your motive could possibly be? we fall asleep after I tell you I wish I never heard you speak then you tell me to forget about it. what just happened is the only thing I can remember and I forget everything else.. in surgery prep I am afraid and u take my hand all of a sudden I'm drugged and awake and there u are. stupid drugs get me to say I love you and somehow make u say it back.. we leave go to your place and I sleep while you do hmwk. I can hear your phone vibrating and I am angry .. you don't txt me back sometimes bc "your phone is on your bed" maybe there is another girl , maybe there is someone in particular.. you make me sick. I ask my brother to pick me up, I tell u I'm leaving at 8. it's 7. you come over to me around 720 and I am silent in realization I won't see you again and there's nothing to say. this is your fault, your decision your mistake. I cry while you hold me. you tear up. I tell you I won't bother you w the results bc you won't be there either way.. you say something that ends in okay. I cry some more and tell you the worst part is there's nothing I can do.. I've done it all. you say something I can't remember exactly asking like you would or something and I say it's not fair I was being the perfect girlfriend and it wasn't enough and I don't deserve this. me loving and giving u all I have and you not even knowing if you want to see other people. you say you are sorry and something along the lines of I deserve better. you start crying hard and I tell you the most hurtful part is you were in love w an illusion w the fake me and now that u know me and my realness you want nothing to do w it. you tell me the fake me is the reason we broke up and I tell you at least you knew you wanted to be with her an not other people. maybe the real me wasn't as interesting or dynamic.. that the entire reason I became that person was bc of jerks who hurt and cheated on me but now even someone who was a nice guy can't appreciate this person. you tell me there's nothing wrong w me and u wish u could change the way you feel. I am defeated and all I can do is cry bc u really made me feel like who I am isn't enough rather the games and the illusion is more fulfilling. loyalty and honesty are boring. demanding superficial things and making it harder for you to love me is what lasts the test of time.. how could you turn into every other superficial ***** I ever dated? we broke up bc u didn't like that and couldn't handle that about me but now look at you, you dirty scum bag. I ask you what do I need to change what am I missing? not for you but for the future, for me. you say nothing. this is also heartbreaking, not only can u destroy me but you don't even have the balls to tell me what you need that I couldn't give you. I can **** you like a pornstar,best sex you've ever had (your words), cook you 3 course dinners, go to your stupid soccer games which is ducking immature for a 26 year old to still be doing, stay home and watch movies w u, not mind that u study incessantly and have no time for me, always be there and support you , laugh at your jokes and make u laugh. not care that every other guy I go out w treats me like a princess and you don't what the hell am I not giving you? what kind of fembot do you need? one that doesn't feel? that doesn't have emotions? well I bet she won't caress your ego either. I tell you if you find someone like the old you to call me and I'll set you up w someone just as superficial and surface level interesting as the old me. I am in your elevator ad you hold me. we linger in a goodbye hug for a long time w tears, I say I love you bc I know I'll never say it again and it's how I feel. you say you love me too and even though I know you don't mean what I just meant, it was comforting.. I kiss you goodbye and go home. today you ask how I'm feeling I say in pain and sad you , you say I've been much better studying now. I say but this is a flashback.. a week ago almost exactly the same conversation ensued and then you let me coerce you into saying you wanted to try. this time I won't do that. bc I know better. I might be insane for you, but I won't be insane for me anymore. I can love you with everything I have and give you everything and it still won't be enough bc you are the one w something u can't give. I can't make u want this or feel this or recognize you are missing out bc u don't value me or my values truly. dogging myself out for a dog is lack of self respect. you want hos, go do it. I need to let you go, my heart is just broken for you

If the user lookingup sees this, I just want you to know I relate to all of your posts and I am going through something similar and wish the best for you.. Honestly, having the ex tere during a health scare isn't always the best thing.. For me, I didn't have anyone in this city for me and he knows that. He was there and is there for me, but it makes the situation worse. You are vulnerable with them in a way you have never been before and then you let them in deeper. The circumstance fools you to believe things are more than they are and that it will work out. Then you are left trying to cope w illness and the heartbreak.. Mine is taking me to surgery which is hopefully the last step in my health issue, but then I'm excising him just like the tissue in my body because they're both toxic to me. Ex, what I'm going through is worse because I chose to see you last night.. I finally had closure from our conversation in your car the last time.. I fought so hard for you and put my heart and soul on the line for yours in exchange for my happiness and self respect. You told me, "My feelings mhst differ from your feelings or we would be together " "I can live without you" you brought up your ex and gave me relentless excuses but for the first time, I saw an indifference on your face I've never seen. That was my closure. It hurt but the nc and finality of it all minus you being there for my health issue on the 28th was comforting. I knew I did all I could and it wasn't enough for you I no longer needed to understand.. Then 2 days later you text me asking how I am.. Probably simply because you remembered I had to have bloodwork done, I kept all responses short and at a distance. The conversation somehow took a turn and ended w me beig putty in your hands saying I miss you and you saying you miss me too. Yesterday for my job I asked you if I could drop some stuff off for you to hand out and you said you would come by before soccer to pick it up.. My stupid ass gets nervous when I took them out of my purse and oops left my phone in your car.. I was goin out for dinner and I didn't want to not go bc I need to move on. I found my friends number and went out. I felt happy. For the first time in a long time. Then when you called my other phone saying you were dropping mine off you sounded sad and I knew it was bc I was moving on perhaps but y should that bother you?? You could care leas when I'm spilling my guts on the floor gushing over you but it bothers you that I'm moving on? Then when I get home later there's an incident w the front desk not having my phone.. Had to call you.. Your voice instantly made me emotional and forget about all of my happiness from the night. I tell you I need a hug, you tell me to come give you one. I do... On my way over I promise myself i won't spill over you , just a hug. Who am I kidding? I knew what would happen, I love you. Of course I can't give up. Of course not. We walk and talk and then I somehow bring up us again, this part is always a blur. I actually can't remember even thoguh it was yesterday.. It's like my memory is blocking itself bc of the pain and rejection. My thoughts can't even relive it. You holding me makes everything better.. All the verbal doubts go away. But the second I decide to open the door to the huge emotional wall I build up around you, I am reminded why I'm an ******* for putting myself in this situation.. You go silent most of the time. Then I usually have to say something bad so you can feel comfortable hurting me. At least that's how I see it.. Last night you told me you did value everything we have like me. There wasn't a but. This time the rejection came in your reactions instead of your words.. I told you I should be seeing someone else. You said you felt hurt tonight and sad bc u thought I was. I told you I bet you didn't care. You said you did and I said that makes no sense, you care just not enough to be with me. You said yeah.. Then I got so angry I playfully beat you up but it was actual aggression coming out. I got so mad at you. So mad that I want to be with you forever and you can't even work on us. Waste of feeling. Time. I ended up saying if you changed your mind about wanting to work on us I'd still be open bc I'm a fool for you.. You tell me you do. The first time I ask you you say I think so. Then I get sad and you see that and you say no I do. I don't wanna lose you. I go home. Today I text you first, I woke up excited hopeful even. I've been praying and I guess I thought god was bringing us together. That bc of last night things would be different today.. That you'd open up and let me in. Didn't happen. Of course not. I'm texting you pages flirting with you and you are being so distant and cold. I couldn't get out of bed. All of a sudden I am more broken than I was when this started because of the false hope I have given myself.. It's not fair to myself to do this.. My body and mind are so stressed and scared I might have cancer and all my heart wants to do is love you.. But yours won't love me back.. Maybe you have feelings but I don't feel love.. I feel like a puppy. Begging for affection and you throw me bones. Even w a slight label change things aren't different. They won't be. You leave for Europe in a few weeks and all we will have is phone communication. Ill be pouring into you and u will be retreating. Wha fun is that? I deserve happiness and I am doing this to myself at this point. Maybe last night was just to appease me. Maybe ill never understand, but I need to love myself enough to let go. And to give myself to people who love me back and SHOW it. As I'm writing this you text what have you been up to.. I'm so emotionally drained over you I can't even discuss anything. What's the point? It hurts me more. The silences.. You scrambling for new thoughts. It all adds up to the same thing and even when it ends in what I want to hear, I don't feel love. Even though you are saved in my phone as "friend" like a Freudian reminder to associate you w that term. I can't. I don't even feel like responding. But I know I will. Just dk what I will say..

Today waking up wasn't so bad, Bentley and I snuggled and he was being a really sweet puppy. Then I woke up determined to go the pool but it was cloudy then I laid out but it was cold. I just miss the simple things , text messages talking hanging out. Yet I still know we can't be together, I am still having urges to text you that I miss you or ask you how you are. What's the point? I know it would make me more upset but the instant gratification is tough to resist at this moment. I just wish I could make it go away

I want to text u so badly right now.. Liza is beig such a bad friend.. I'm not sure we can be friends and I don't even know if it bothers her. She broke whatever part of me felt okay after u and I are over . I dk how I feel about us this second, confused. I'm sort of angry you haven't texted me which is also stupid considering I broke up w u? But I'm angry you couldn't say more than okay and realize y I was mad. Kind of mad at you for not fighting and sad in general bc I miss you. I wish we could talk. I wih we could be in each others lives, I have given up the closest person to me in this lonely city and u don't seem to care. I want to be okay, I want to forget you. I want to stand alone. Why can't that be instantaneous? Why does your brain trick you into thinking something that's just not true

Today is a day without distraction.. I don't have class and it's Friday.. I would always spend tonight with you and this is the first dimitriless Friday. I have a strange feeling today, I still know it's right to be without you because we don't connect on a deep level and because I want someone to treat me like a princess willingly, but I miss you today. Genuinely would just like to put my head on your chest and have the hours pass. It's amazing how time can twist reality into a place a falsetto memory where we are supposed to be together.. Where u were always open w me and you shared your feelings, where you couldn't stop kissing me and we shared intimate moments. But that isn't the reality now and I need to remember it never was. Even in the glimpses, we were never perfect.. Certainly not for each other. Somehow that doesn't make the pain subside, maybe because I always knew that. I keep having to stop myself from texting you I miss you, but what good would that do? Communication works two ways, if u really loved me you wouldn't have let me go with a simple "okay". That signifies you wanted it too, now you got it without the guilt. And if you missed me, you'd text me that. That you understood why I was upset about my bday and that you were wrong for being upset. But you don't, and you won't and the truth is I'm not sure I want you To. I just need to get used to your absence, I wish it was as easy as it is to type it to make that happen

i know i shouldn't contact you. i never really told you this, and I shouldn't have because it's quite inappropriate but we both knew it was true that I wasn't going to end up with you. I think you know the ending in the beginning. Looking back 2 mos ago at a note I wrote, that's the exact same thing I said in my break up message, but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with. im disappointed you couldn't love me the way I needed, that I couldn't get close to you the way I wanted to. That we couldn't love each other while we had the chance, that we spent most of our relationship focusing on our differences instead of what we had. That two people as nice and smart as we are, couldn't pull together. That you were the first genuinely good person I loved, and I still ended up hurt. I know what I miss is mostly having someone here and not things that define you. That tells me that i need to heal my codependency I have developed. But i still miss you. It's only been 2 days, of course I miss you. It's setting in that I won't kiss you again, I won't have you hug me really tight, or look at me the ay you did every so often. or study w u all night and joke with you. we just were never on the same page, sometimes i let go, i let you in and i saw us together for a very long time , i saw us traveling the world together, but those were the moments you weren't with me. i think the problem is, we don't see eye to eye. you could never meet my expectations and iwas constantly being let down. we worked when expectations were removed, when we were just friends and the pressure was removed we could get close. but we never really got THAt close because you don't see the world the same way I do. that doesnt' somehow erase this need to idealize every moment we held each other, the moments when we both let go the way you wouldn't let me go at night, the way i used to wake up just happy to be in your arms... the way it felt to trust someone because I knew you were a good person. The nights when we would light candles and listen to john mayer and look at each other.. before i felt like i was the one kissing you. before i felt like you were so immature and hated the little htings i used to love. the way you used to text me all day , and we would make jokes about nothing, the lyrics and feeling of understanding we gave each other. when we used to skip a day without each other and long for each other. thte hope i used to have for us. how that turned into us laying next to each other unable to relate to a word in a sentence unable to speak the same language. im going to miss the possibility, the worst part is, that part has been dead for a long time now and im missing an illusion. but your brain is powerful, so powerful that it can trick you into believing that you left that part, that it was there and it wasnt an illusion.its sick how i am the one leaving, who left, and im the one who is the most depressed. you are just a coward. you wanted to leave, but you couldn't, and since i did its easier for you because you dont have to fight urges to text me. you can hide it beneath your pride, beneath the idea that i ended this. teh truth is, if you loved me everything woul dbe different. i think that part is hurtful too. that someone so honest, so trustworthy could either be so out of touch with the truth, or so content with mediocrity.. when i asked you why you lvoed me, your ideas were so generic, so replaceable, and it was either enough for you, or you were unable to understand that i wasnt enough. or you ignored it. when i left you, all you said was okay. if you lvoed me, you would fight, because that woul dbe all that was left. the only option. if you lvoed me, we wouldnt be her ein the first place, because you would have wanted to make my bday specail. it wouldnt have been weird for you to take me away and get me dinner. that just makes me angry. i dropped 400 on a vday massage and you cant even take me away and get me dinner? i had to tell you to take me away. you still spent less than i did, but it was OFFENSIVE TO YOU? i think you just want to be taken care of. you want to be the girl. but i cant date a girl. it would never work. but if oyu loved me, that fight owuldnt have happened. i gues i am glad it did, short term loss for long term gain. ithin kyou were safe for me, and i am jsut agraid of love. of not finding love. of being alone. o feverything. i am a coward too. i wasnt over ashoka the majority of he time we were together. and now that we are apart, he is moved on.. to his ex. but the silly part is, i know he isnt right for me either. i know i wouldnt be complete wiht him. i know i havent met the right person. im all sorts of messed up.. i told you iw anted to be friends. bc the truth is, in my opinion thats the extent of what we ewre. friends who shared physical intimacy. then i woulndt have to lose everyhting i am missing at this moment.. my support when i am swallowed with school. you were the only person who could understand and help the way you did. but this is the wors tpart, i lost that the second we got physical. we could never have just that back. now everything is dead. i jst want to be okay. i want you to be okay. i want to move on, both of us. i know for you, this is probably nothing. you got over your ex in two weeks, and that was much larger than me.. im sure you are already talking to someone else. i wont let you close enough to hurt me no i wont ask you to just desert me, i cant give you all the things you gave me, its time to say goodbye to turning tables. im sure there are dark days ahead. i miss our hope, i miss your chest, i miss your long inhales before you said intimate things, i miss knowing you, i miss not knowing you, i miss your faces, i miss the things i hated, i miss the memories i used to want to share with you.. goodbye dimitri

you dont even want to be friends with me. its going to b like we never knew each other at all. i miss u, for who u were, for the old good times that were reall.now we are shadows

I miss u. It sucks how much I miss u. I almost texted you. Why am I still holding on?

I miss u so much. I just miss the old us, when I still let myself love u.thru everything, the bad vday, the cheating, the lying, the non cuddling I miss that. I wish u wouldve made more of an effort the last time you saw me, things wouldve been different and we couldve had a chance to get back to that place. You lost the love I loved the most.

Mornings and afternoons are the worst I just have to remember why things were bad but in rhe morning it's harder. I forget everything and remember u as my best friend even tho u aren't anymore and my interests never mattered

i keep missing you, ever since you came to see me things have just felt worse. i am a walking contradiction when you were here things weren't perfect for me, now that you are gone i feel empty. I miss my best friend, but I guess I'm realizing you weren't a good boyfriend to me. I mean come on, a single dead rose and no plans for a vday where you are trying to win me back!? Thinking back the first night u held me and whispered cute things in my ear, but the second you yelled at me for trying to cuddle. funny how fast the cuddling got old for you already one night. i want a fairytale and to have one something different not dinner and amovie not boring, love more excitement blah. i miss my best friend.

Sometimes I just miss what we were when we were close and I keep forgetting it isn't like this anymore and it sucks. Being w u doesn't fulfill this want but being without you isn't either. I feel terrible..

I don't understand y this always happens to me. I know its best, I know if I keep you I'd forfeit any possibility of having everything I want yet my mind still romanticizes experiences that if I went back into that exact moment I wouldn't feel perfect in. I need a real romantic story, a bigger capacity for love, spontaneity not the expected single rose and me make u take me to dinner, trust, love, no questioning. Even the last time I saw you was not perfect for me, Maybe it is who I was so close to and in love with that I miss. Because of your inability to fulfill me I can't let myself love you, also because of the tremendous lack of any trust I physically and emotionally can't get back to that place of full vulnerability where no matter what we were doing or talking about it was perfect. To me, that is destroyed. We are simply incompatible. Your idea of romantic doesn't fit mine and your ideas on most things doesn't match mine. I need to start seeing things as they are ao I don't make the mistake of contacting you foe both of our well beings. I need to let you find someone who loves youu the way you want it and for me find happiness again. Remembering the truth and the bad things is the problem I am facing. We were so close and familiar it still stings too badly to think about being close to anyone else despite the fact that you are still lying to me telling me you weren't even thinking about other girls yet you are skyping them!

I sprayed your scent today for a project, terrible idea. I miss u about 80 x more than I already did and I already missed u pretty badly. Wow this sucks. I want to see you so badly and I know I won't How did we get here ben