sunshine34

I'm feeling better , but I still miss u and wish I had your support. I feel alone and I wish I could talk to u even though I know i cant

This is the low to my string of highs... I wish I would learn, I wish I would stop repeating mistakes I have already made and stop it bc it always ends up the same.. Anywyss, I missed u terribly last night all of this uncertainty and planning and moving and chaos I was on facebook and I dk what made me think to look for u since I dotn actually use facebook and there u were... Same picture from 2013.. As in you never got rid of it our entire relationship, another lie to cut into me at the worst time. Then my friend has to message me the only one that knows u and ask if we are done. Then ing idiot me clicks see friendship and I am assuming it sends u a friend request so I immediately delete the profile even though I know u will know it was me. Now not only am I hurt, but embarrassed . Utterly embarassed that you will see I was looking at this facebook bc I shouldn't care. Especially w how u treat me, I don't want to. And yet when I am going through the toughest of times I still sit here wishing just once Ud be there for me like I was for you. That just once you'd care.instead I'm left hurting as usual. Only this time I don't have to deal w the pain of u blaming me for being upset and making it worse ill actually get to deal w me. But today is so emotionally overwhelming I just want to sleep and not wake: I'm sick of having my dreams put into my face only to have them dangle.

Sitting here looking at the bag I brought the last time I saw you reminds me directly of my feelings.. It's half unpacked and still sitting there untouched. I'm half unpacked in my heart about us , but the bagagge is still sitting there waiting for me to pick it up and deal with it. I honestly don't know how this time. I've been through so many heartbreaks, but this one feels different. It feels deeper and more complex, I am still confused by it and I don't want to deal w it. I don't think I'm ready It's the itch I don't want to scratch that I want to go away

Feeling depressed and thinking of you .. I don't want u to reach out but I'm depressed u didn't that you still can't see it was u. That ur pride is trumping my feelings yet again I miss your chest and how it felt to snuggle with you, the way my heart races around you and I become consumed with the feeling of being . It's almost impossible for me to think of the future bc I always thought you'd be in it. It's like an invisible wall that I can't break but keep crashing into. I can't think about love anymore bc u are love to me and I know u don't love me so we don't exist and therefore love doesn't exist. That's almost what feels like is happening, as if love has been ripped from my world and I can never feel if of speak it again. It's a lost word , unspoken and hidden. I can't watch romantic movies anymore for fear of what it'll do to my insides. For fear they will come spilling out and I'll have nothing left to put back inside like the pumpkins we made every halloween . I can't think of you and what you're doing bc it hurts. It hurts for two reasons, one because I can see u with someone else or drinking/smoking/doing drugs anything to destroy yourself instead of facing your problems and secondly because I don't know you and I don't know what to believe . I used to know u, I used to think I could say James? He'd never do that. Now, I don't know, now I have no idea what you are capable of and I'm willing to bet it's anything. Maybe that was you all along and I was blind.

I want to be loved, to feel love and to have love. I am miserable tonight. Miserable and in limbo, missing the you I once had, longing for something u wouldn't give. Only more deeply saddened now then I have been about it before bc I finally have to accept it won't happen instead of the fight Ive been having w u for the past 6 mos to give it to me. At first it was relieving, now it's depressing . Dating is exhausting and I don't want to do it, I fear I'll never have what we did and I'm crumbling today Please help me find strength

today you seem to be all over my mind, my body and my soul and i wish it would stop, but i know I am makng progress. I'm starting to be upset over the fact that we will never be, which means I have at least let go of the here and now. THis stage seems to be the toughest, because I know after this, I will be moving on. I have adopted this new habit of hiding my fears and truths from myself , it's like I have opened up a corner in the depths of me and buried it so deep I can keep it from myself. It certainly makes the process easier, but I wonder what that means for me in the future, I don't know that I am learning or growing from doing that but you have wounded me in such a way it is unconscious. I'm hurt that you've changed so much, the problem is the only thing constant is change and people always do it. You can't stop it. This time I tried to go in with the attitude that yes people change, but we can change together. The problem is, when we went long distance you shut me off, we no longer grew together, we grew apart. I could never regain the emotional trust that you were telling me everything because you were hiding such monumental things from me, but you had no desire to change. I knew that, I just thought if you did it, and you saw how much closer and bettee we were, you'd want it to. Over xmas, I can honestly say that I had given you more of my heart and soul than I ever gave anyone else.. THat's why you had the ability to cut me so deeply with the gisel thing and the hardest part is I know if I didn't keep prying you would have never told me, yet you kept insinuating you were going to be honest and you were honest. That is where I felt betrayed, your lack of even being able to own up to the obvious deceit you pulled on me. When you took it upon yourself to stay for new years and skip work, I thought he gets it, he finally knew what I needed before I had to tell him. But you had no idea how to help me and got frustrated wuth my emotions telling me basically not to feel them HOwever, when you left, I felt like we finally reached that page of openness you had grown so far from. The only problem is it became fleeting. Again, I found myself waiting by the phone to hear from you, waiting like a sick puppy at the door, waiting for you to love me, waiting for you to need me, waiting for me to be important. I've learned it doesn't matter how mayn checks you have on your list, how many signs you tell yourself that he has to pass to prove he is x y and z, because all of it is a facade. All of it is a sick game where they win you over with someone they will never actually stay. Someone that doesn't exist. now its time to delete all traces of you on my laptop

I think of you and it hurts all over We had such a romantic epic love story and it all crumbled. I don't think I'll ever be in love like that again. I hate u for ruining it

This morning is hard, I find during the week to be much easier especially this past one because I was so busy and postively focused on all these interviews. This weekend is the second weekend without talking and lAst weekend was easy bc I had just decided to let it go and the anger was fresh. I am proud of myself because I still know this is the right decision , I finally waited until I got all the information I needed to believe and understand one way or the other if we are supposed to be together. Well, we aren't. Even after waitng a week for u to prove you cared you still couldn't on the day u said u would and then tried to back pedal and blame me. I could no longer accept blame and draw excuses for you not giving a that I am in pain. It didn't matter how much of it I felt, everything was still somehow my fAult and the sick part is, I would've done anything for you to give me what I needed. I would've bent over backwards for you and you wouldn't do anything for me. I am glad that you are stubborn and unable to ever self evaluate and see your part in things bc I know you will never contact me. I won't have to deal w being weak , bc I still think I'm vulnerable and at this stage I would cave. So I am thankful for that spiteful nature of yours now, even though I absolutely detest it in you as a person and think it's incredibly immature. I can accept that there were things I wasn't there for you with last year, that I sidnt find a way sooner to make u feel love, but I learned from this relationship to be stronger. Since I never had you there when I needed support and I lost my best friend bc of our relationship, I learned how to be okay and make it alone. That skill has made me stronger and I've gotten less sensitive which is really important for my success in my career and for that I do thank you. The only thing I resent is that I am hRder now , It takes so much just to get me to feel and be soft and you took that from me I allowed it which was wrong too Last night I had a dream about you, I reached out to tell you about Cali and you were banging an Asian chick. I drove 3 hours to see u bc u were visiting somewhere and u got a message about going to nyc w "the girls" and u left . I was angry Nd freaking out at u and u remained stoic, as if nothing I said mattered at all. And it just reminded me of exactly how that makes me feel, in that way I was able to draw strength to help soothe waking up and feeling alone. That's fje saddest part, the unfulfilled dreams And promises;/. I just need to continue to understand they would never come true with you

I'm stressed out and I'm not really feeling okay even though I should be on top of the world. My interviews have been going so well that as long as I nail one in person im probably going to get an offer. But now my parents are stressing me out trying to control the process again setting me back mentally making me think it's gonna be impossible for me to make it.. My dad is saying he's gonna pull my car insurance and all this stuff... I'm already goig to be acquiring a rent payment and now he's giving me another thing on top of all the stuff I have to pay... I half wonder if it's bc he doesn't want me to go, to hold me back. Back to the reason I'm posting here.. It's been hard not to share the exciting well up until this stress, exciting news with you and it's made me feel more alone. I'm afraid of not being able to love again and not having a family. I'm angry. Angry at you for even remotely being able to say to me that you cared about me and proceeded to ignore me all that time. Completely taking me for a fool that can accept bull words when your actions clearly show u don't care for me. It hurts me so deeply. I hate you

I feel like you are a leech on my emotions. I am fine I convince myself of this and then my nutrients get sucked from me until all I can feel is nothing. While u are probably losing all your brain cells tonight to smoking, I'm being drained to the memory of you. A phantom bug that won't stop sucking the life out of me even when I shot it dead already. I fear you will creep into my future, when I finally get to a place of stability and I'm ready to move on you will be there. Just another failed relationship scar making me all the more unable to trust men and have hope for marriage. I hate that is the one thing u take that I can't stop, you've tainted me and there's nothing I can do but accept it and weep. I choose to let it make me stronger, but it doesn't dad want slower or leave any less of a scar. I don't want to hate you because it represents a strong emotion, but I feel that I still do. Which means I still love you even though I wish I could drain you from my veins like you take the life from me

This healing process sucks, its a rollercoaster with the highest highs and the lowest lows. Now I'm just waiting for the fall, i know that once this ride ends I will be more stable but now all I can feel is dizzy. Like a recovering addict, I have flashbacks and shakes that make me just want a fix. I'm craving one now, just a kiss, just one hug, one message. But just like an addict, I need to remember over and over again why I am here in the first place. Why you destroyed my life? Why I am running and letting all the otehr addictions I've ever had resurface just so I don't give into this one. Because with you I was weak and now I have a chance to be strong, to move on and get all my dreams. I am uncertain and afraid, I don't like going through this alone even though I know if you were here I'd still be alone, probably more alone because I always went through everything by myself. It's the blanket , the fact of knowing you were "mine" even though I never reaped the benefits of having you protect me and keep me warm, just the sight of a blanket hanging over my head that I cant reach, only see lingering over my head and imagine how warm it could be until I reach out to grab it and it floats down falling onto me like ice, all color disappearing and becoming translucent. A figment of my imagination, a mirage in the desert, only I want that mirage now. The false security, the hoping, begging and pleading maybe this time it will be different. MAYBE THIS TIME you will answer my prayers. THe result isn't different now, no answer, the only thing that is chanign is eventually the door will open for someone else to be there, for someone else to wrap you in and let you feel the thermodynamic miracle known as heat--> warmth. Maybe you will stop waiting, because you will know, you have shut the door to the ghost of love you used to long for. THe past , present and future will align on one plane, in one time frame, and you will find glowing effervescence of happiness

Today is filled with promises, promises to myself that I have left you behind. That I have a new start and that things will only move onward and upwards from here. Yet I am so physically and emotionally exhausted it is debilitating. For the first time in the innumerable times we have done this break up thing, I finally feel assured enough in myself that it is meant to be happening and for that, I don't regret continually beating the horse with you. I am beginning to feel bummed, bummed that we couldn't make it work, in the knowledge that we never would be able to it hurts less than it used to. It cuts the deepest when I think of the hope you once were able to fill me with, I think that is the biggest thing I have learned from this and the thing that has also broken my heart the most. I always thought when you met that person, you'd just "know" as if somehow that feeling was enough for forever, that it was so incredibly rare it would be enough to not only get through everything, but this magical sensor god placed in two people to recognize "this is it". That feeling is what kept me with you through all the betrayal, all the pain and sadness. Now I have learned that I need to accept the unknown, that the only thing I know now is that I know nothing. I don't know what it is that makes people last forever , and I don't know how you tell that you have "it". I'm afraid going into this world without my someone, without the person who completed me once, the person who was my soulmate, the only one in this 26 years I've been alive I've shared my world with including god and living with you. I know that it makes me tainted , but I also know I've been truly without you for quite some time. We haven't been on the same wavelength in months and I still don't think you understood me , maybe you did nad you just wanted to rebel against my feelings. I think my biggest heartache was that I expected you to be so much more than you were... Bc of our connection and this image i wrongfully projected on you, I thought I could trust you with my heart. Not the superficial definition of heart where I share some menial things with you and we cuddle, no the depths of my heart. Each time I did that, I found myself alone. But I did learn how to be stronger and how to get through life not only alone, but with conflict on my side. The worst part is, each time I would break, you'd find a way to blame me for you not being there. I still don't understand that, and I don't know that I ever will I only know that I am free of it and that is beautiful. We never had the same ideas of love.. I still to this day don't know what you think giving love looks like. I only know that in your head, spending time with work friends when I haven't seen you in mos is okay, not messaging someone, not taking them to nice places , and making every good or bad day about something you are going through is showing love. I think the best part of all of it is I don't need to try to figure it out. On another note, I am starting to focus on my future and what that looks like. I am finally feeling like CA is going to happen for me, I am just overwhelmed by the process. I want to move into a position that highlights my strenghts and gives me the financial freedom I have been longing for, which takes time and me flying out/interviewing different places. Now I am concerned I will not have time to do this with my job and a part of me thinks I should quit to devote my time to this, but then tehre are a number of issues with that (what if i dont get another job? how will I survive in the mean time? Then I can't tell them not to contact current employer). I know once I am on my own, in the state I have always wanted to be, I will be stable and able to find someone whose life is in line with mine, who can love me the way I want and I can focus on living ahealthy lifestyle. Which I have already started doing, but it feels like a constant everyday battle I guess it always will be, but at least when I am out of the negative environment I live in now, it will be easier. I am worried for you, I'm worried about you and how you will cope with this? If you ever will.... I hope you figure out that I did love you, that you were hurting me and I couldn't handle it anymore. I miss the feelings you gave me, the times when you did kiss me and make love to me, the few times we did have perfection . I will remember you lover.

With us, things only continue to get worse sure enough my desire to try to make it clear this was the end without any hopes of a future failed... I'm upset now looking back, not only are you incredibly inattentive generally speaking you cant even respond in a timely fashion when I'm ending things.. You didn't get back to me until 2 am. probably because you were busy getting wasted and meeting girls, but you come at me for "dating". you are impossible. everytime i get upset it somehow is my fault in your head. it's my fault you can't make time to have communication because "i couldn't wait three days". what was I waiting for? you've never been there for me. not a year ago when I moved, no time in between and certainly not now. You are a child. You act like a child and throw temper tantrums instead of owning up to your prolems. I have no idea how anyone is going to tolerate you. Even though I am free, and knowing now I have a chance to be loved the way you never understood is empowering, I have still not shaken my propensity to make you understand. To change you. I never knw why I feel that urge, I know in my heart ill never reach you, yet the more you resist the more I want to fight because I know what the truth is and im sick of you twisting it. But i guess the better I get at proving your stories into the lies they are, the better you get at jumping down your deluded rabbit hole in your brain that you are right, you never do wrong and all the wreckage in your path is somehow instantaneous spontaneous combustion. I wonder what your healing process will be like. the only thing I know for sure is that I will heal faster and you might hold onto this wound forever because youd rather feel a wound forever than feel the pain of facing it. You still havent mourned your losses from last year , and it effects you almost the same way it did when we met, just as violently and disturbed as you were then. YOu havent grown or faced any of it, you've drank , smoke, and done drugs to avoid it. You will probably do the same thing with this and somehow blame me leavig as the reason you are destroying yourself. I don't know that you will ever learn responsibility for your actions because your own mother doesn't even have it. I should have been more perceptive to that. I wonder what kind of girl you will end up with ... who will be okay with your inability to ever fix someone, deal with someone elses emotions and not financially do the role of a male. i can imagine it's some hippie emotionally dead, drug addict girl. probably someone without an education who you end up hiring, someone with a hard troubled past and a numbness to emotion. Only probelm is you need emotional support, ego rubbing, sexual support, and someone to constantly be there for you. I can't see that girl doing that for you. Your victim complx is mind boggling to me, it's so feminine. Yet you think you are masculine. You wish to hold onto every single thing that coul dbe possibly portrayed as a wrong doing and display it. never dealing with it, just crying and complaining about it like a woman who has cramps. You are a pathetic wimp

This is it. I'm making that promise to myself and that is the light at the end of the tunnel even if I don't see it now.i don't know if you will ever regret those 20 minutes you gave up for us, that time you sold out so you could get free luggage or the 6 hours you spent in a conference when I was waiting for you.. Or the hours you spent ignoring me. I don't know that you will ever regret that time missed. The kisses we could have shared, the hugs we missed , the conversations unsaid. Or if you will continue to be immature and think tou could have done nothing more, that it's all me for "not waiting ", even though I've been waitinga year... Waiting for you to fogure me out. To make me feel loved , to care enough to stop hurting me, but what has happened ? Nothing. Maybe more neglect and deflecting onto me, deflecting to the fact that I won't give you commitment despite your ability to earn it. Deflecting to tell me I don't love you which honestly makes no sense to me. How does that make sense? How could you believe I don't love you when I'm in physical pain because I want more of you and you continually put a job that isn't even putting food on your table above me. A job where you aren't even required to have a degree and your boss constantly insults you, that's turned you cold and taken any intellect from you. It's amazing to me how your self awareness has gone out the window, you can't even recognize your part in this. Im angry and I wonder if you ever will.. If you will ever feel remorse for how you treated me or if you will convince yourself you were attentive to me and I didn't love you . I guess sin the end it doesn't matter, you're just another failed attempt at love, another heart down the drain, another person who took a piece of me, another story, another scar. Only you took the most, you took my how. My hope that forever can exist , because no matter how much of an you can be, I loved you the most and I belibed in you more than anyone. I moved in with you, and at one time, we both loved each other, we both treated each other right and I beliebd I would have given up the world to be with you.. Ironically you were the only person to abandon me when I really needed someone and for spiteful reasons but not be able to see the depth of what you did and you never made up for it. You never understood how wrong you were. And that's peobaby bc u have such a screwed up home life you have no idea how to love, but you expect it You weren't lying when you said you are impossible to love but I never saw u hat way until it was too late... All things aside, last weekend was the world for me, you did make me feel loved and even though I'm a disaster now, I felt love with you last Saturday, I woke up several times just to se you asleep, to be in a true moment of vulnerability with you and connect. I won't forget it because it made me feel alive. That's almost impossible lately, I completely shut myself off from humanity because work is number 1, but with you, I go back to being in eye, to hours in my car talking,'to you and me, to us. Only difference is, I'm the only one in that world. You still have work first and that's what cuts me.

I emailed you today because I want my stuff back and as much as I convince myself it was truly bc I needed my stuff and it was best to do t now so I don't have another reason to contact you I don't believe myself. You were supposed to be the one who would always be there ,you were supposed to be the only one I could reach, the only one I was supposed to love and you aren't. Not anymore. A large part of me knows it's unfair of me to view you in the way that I mistakenly do, because we haven't been that emotionally close in over a year despite being together. I guess I held onto it like an eyelash , a wish I held with my hands but never blew away. You are hard now. So insensitive and disconnected to me or us. I can't tell anymore if you've always been this way or if I missed it in the beginning and it was always there . Looking back, for the past year you had issues being sensitive when I was hurt. Always wanting to blame me instead of comforting me and wishing to never hurt me again , I guess u hurt me so many times you were immune. Like an abusive person would be to his victim. Despite knowing this needs to be final and I can't ever think of you in any time period other than the past, I feel unsettled and empty about it. I miss the start, I miss college, I miss the hours of sleepless nights in your bed. I miss the way we used to connect and fight for each other not with each ofher. It doesn't help that I could really use a friend right now. I am so financially ed and I feel trapped. Trapped when I've only just begun my life. Half of me wants you there,'the other half remembers how insensitive and in compassionate you have been towards me. How you'd probably just sit there and say "that sucks" instead of really tying to understand and help. That you'd be angry and upset I was sad bc it was draining for you. The truth is I've lost the person I've missed and needed since last May when you say with me outside of your work when I found out I flunked biochem and you just held me. You told me we were a team and I'd never be alone. That it would always be you and me. I wonder had I stayed in miami and went to fiu that summer had you stayed that person. Would things be different? Or would every thing eventually unravelled just as badly as it did? Part of me believes you've always been a selfish person looking for opportunities in people, just like u did with ally and Taylor , all of your "friendships" we're really just agreements. You scratch my back and I might pet you for a second . Always taking more than you got. Always thought you'd have people around to want yu and always keeping a back burner open. Look at yu now, still having tons of back burners, that part of you stayed consistent the only thing that changes with you are the things I loved... Those seem to be fleeting and your true character seems to be the parts I hate. Check in later, gonna take a nap

I am so thankful for this forum. This place to send my thoughts to you to a place of inbetween, inbetween not being said and not reaching you. I know I still love you, I know pain is coming for me and you've alreXy had it. In that way I am jealous of you. Envious that you will be fine and I will hurt. I am betrayed by you. By every ounce of you and for that I do hate you. More so that you pretend to be something I loved but thT doesn't exist. You didn't plan your life for me, your heart doesn't beat for me, I'm not the only girl you're going to love. And I wonder if you have successfully lied to me, implying of course you know you Re full of ; or if you have successfully cheated yourself into thinking you're a good person and you aren't the biggest heart ache a person could know? A car wreak waiting to happen. That angers me. It's injustice. You are out meeting new girls, "training them", uploading what you think are attractive whatsapp pictures , flirting probably dating.. And yet claiming IM the only one you love and crucifying me not only for leaving , but for even attempting to move on. Then you decide to choose an office in Tampa instead of coming philadelphia and ing claim you did all of this neglectful , shameful , terrible things in your job for ME?!?!?!? If you had any ounce of love for me nearly equal to the that comes out of your mouth, you'd quit this shameful piece of job that continually preaches a bull dream to you and choose me. Choose us. Choose fixing everything you ruined. But you can't, and that action proves you didn't do it for me. So how dare you ing tell me it's for me. You tell me "I'm always there for you, I swear I'll be there next time". Do you have any idea how embarrassing it is for me to admit financial struggle ? And even more so how embarrassing it is to admit it to the one person that you think understands you most to have them not offer you ANY support and be so ignorant to what you need they think you're mad over an insignificant piece of the conversation. Not only could you not be there for me emotionally when I reached out weeks ago, now you can't offer financial support... Then I ing stupidly text you tonight that I miss you and you don't answer. the empty promises, you saying you'd always be there. You aren't. And you are a terrible boyfriend . So whatever lies you tell yourself, or worse me. They're all a bunch of just like you. You deserve to be alone in your diseased head. I'm so dumb for continuing to think about being there for you on April 6th, why should I be there when you treat me this way and can't even see it? I continually put you before myself even when you up, and you can't even be there when I have to spell out for you how to. I need to burn your name and anything you were bc all of it is ashes. You're a stupid ing piece of . I want to block you and I keep stopping myself thinking you will save me. Thinking you will figure it out. But you never will. So right now I'm taking cover , I'm gonna block you and never speak to you again. Bc u don't deserve it. You're an

The more I think of u, the more confused and hurt i become. I'm sick of the false promises, "I would never block you bc I would always want u to reach me if u needed me" ok well no bc when I try you ignore me but expect me to be there time and time again for you? You're such an emotional . You want to be the female and pretend to be a man. Do you evens know what being a man is? Or are you secretly gay like I suspected? I mean who the hell can't have sex to have sex... Someone who isn't aroused by females and needs male stimulation. Go find a man to dominate you , I'm sick of it. u

Today was the first time it crossed ym mind that you are gone. ive been so focused on moving on and forgetting that i hadnt been thinking about how you were feeling, i couldn't because if i did i knew i would look back but yesterday my world collapsed . my external world and i thought of you, i wanted it to be you, even though you have not been the best at being there for me. so i emailed you. and you didnt respond. i know you wanted me to be there for your dads anniversary day, but now im not so sure. i actually dont feel bitter abotu doing it despite you ignoring me and not being there for me again, so I guess i am at least maturing from this experience. but maybe you dont want me there anymore. maybe my deepest fears were correct and with space, true space from me you see that you were never in that deep of love with me, just the idea of me and youve already moved on to some ho. i know thinking of a potential future is the only sure way that you wont move on, so i need to not dwell or think of such things. I only need to focus on moving on and healing, but now its hard not to focus on why you ignored me.. best case scenario its because you know i need to heal and want to give me the space . worst case youve forgotten me. although, i did make this decision and if you ahve forgotten me, maybe that is best for both of us. i watched the video i made for you over a year ago, it popped up on my laptop after i plugged my phone in. i really did love you so much. it's insane to think we've been in a different city for almost a year now. after the anger has died, time has set in and begun to acid wash away some of my resentment. although this makes the process more painful, i know it's what has to happen. I need to feel more pain to get to a better place and i only know more is coming like the realization on the 6th that you mgiht not want to talk to me, or that youve mvoed on or worse. deafening silence. i need to be ready for anything and i hope by that point i am. i do still have love for you , you were the realest bond i had ever had. we weren't getting anything out of dating each other, it was more difficult in our situation to be together than not to yet we were together because we felt so bonded that there was no way to not be together. i was at the gym today in the tannign bed and ive realized time by myself not doing anyhting drives me insane.. i can't do it anymore because i know the second i let everything else die down all of these demons ive been running from start comng out of me.. i had this vivid memory of one of the moments when we shared a long embrace.. one of those moments when we both really needed it and i could remember how it felt, how all of a sudden that holein my chest was gone and i could breathe.. just for on emoment. i wanted taht so badly today and ir ealized i haven't had the luxury of getting that from you whenn i needed it in over a year.. because the entire time we were long distance i never had you. you were so busy with work you couldnt even text me throughout the day. i had lost the ability to need you because you werent tehre. thats where the beginning of the end unravelled. im not even sure what lvoe is anymore. how it can ever withstand every force life throws at it and how anyone can stay happy with love forever.. i dont believe its worth the heartache .. ive lost my affinity for love and its sad. i miss you. i miss those hugs and i know i can never say that to you. i know this has to be the end , but im not okay with it yet. i wish i could run into your arms like i used to and hold each other for hours, i wish we had the luxury of skipping class and ging to the beach again. iw ish i was in 90 degree weather all day. i wish life was simple again. and then i think the more i worry about that, the more time i lose while it is still simpler now than it will ever be beacuse it will only become more complex wth time. i just want one more day of being irresponsible and in love maybe the two are synonymous.. i dk

this is my safe place, my corner of the world where the real me exists and my words reverberate without consequence or judgement. A place where I can feel heard without actually being heard and I am beyond thankful for this thread, this forum, this space in the web outside of the tangled web that is my life. I'm going back to miami this weekend, for a job interview but I just found out that the other 2 probably interviews are not happening and it's just one. There's this strange feeling of decision and clarity mixed with disappointment filling my lungs and chest longing to seep into my heart and replace you. maybe im not supposed to get back there, maybe im supposed to stay here and move on with my life. I'm sure I will not be in a long distance relationship anymore. It's only 2 weeks to take away all of the love, sensitivity and support I felt when you were last here.. The sad part is, had you not cheated on me, I think I was ready to go through all the hoops for you. Once that hppened , i knew i needed to be around you, i need some normalcy to even have a chance to forgive you or trust you. The deepest pain is how indifferent and insensitive to this you are, you think it's my responsibility to deal with the bleeding you caused. YOU put this here. Then you keep trying to compare my pain to yours, me to you. There's so much narcissism , not only do you think you are the greatest gift ever created, you cant even see that cheating pain is something you are responsible for. anyways, i know all of this stuff won't matter anymore. If I find out I don't get the job, it's time to walk. So that means this weekend is our last 4 days together, the last chance to be around you.. I want to try to embrace that and take the time to appreciate what was still left. Even the possibility of me not getting the job has opened my eyes to things that I don't know I could deal with if I did get the job.. Actions are the onyl true indicator of feeling and intention. The plan when you left me, when you left my bleeding heart, is that if I couldn't get there, you'd come here. After finding out today I only have 1 shot of getting there instead of 3, your inital response was that when you get promoted, I should just quit and come apply for jobs. That wasn't the plan. I can understand we are unstable and ou have to put your career first.. it doesn't make my heart break any less hearing it.. knowing you wouldn't really do everything for me like you said you owuld. its going to be so difficult not to get upset when I see you and focus on the interview. I know thats what I'm there to do, but it also feels like I have a new mission. To say goodbye to you I think the truth is, both of us are ready for this its just not what we wanted. I wanted it to be you, I wanted to be happy with you, I wanted to grow up and become everything we wanted to be. Now all I see is two people moving in different directions trying to make each other stand still. part of me is holding on because you are all I know. Despite all the pain I've experienced, I've never had this love with someoen. I've never spent every day with a person, never moved in with them and attempted to move accross the country to be with them. Love isn't enough, and it gets harder as I get older. Years back I thought I'd be planning a wedding at my age, but where am I? Clueless. I'm not even sure love can last, not sure what it takes to make it or how to make someone happy anymore. How to make myself happy. I have the dream career, i made it happen right out of school just like I said I would, but thats not enough. I wonder if it's possible for a person to fulfill you. Maybe that's not supposed to happen. I've learned a lot of htings from you, and for that I am grateful. You taught me how to value and respect my body, how meaningful sex can be and how to make it a secondary part of a relationship. You've taught me about sticking together, and what it means to be committed even though now it seems like a sham. Friendship, hanging out and not saying a word, being content around one another. I learned that I am hot tempered and I don't think enough before I speak, I can cross lines and I still haven't found a way to figure out my emotions. But I now know they can hurt people, there are many more ways to hurt someone than actions. I either became someone I don't recognize, or I make you feel something out of the truth. But I'm afraid the truth is I've become someone I don't recognize. The otehr day you told me that you think I thrive or am happier in a relationship with drama, because thats the only way I feel anything... at first I was really angry, because I know the only reason I'm miserable is because I had to find out you were cheating days before you left and deal with it in a long distance relationship without skype wher you only call me once at night for an hour. But the part about feeling something.. I don't feel emotion or connected to you at all lately. The only time I do see it, is when it comes out in your voice when you see how bad things are for me.. because on a normal basis, you dont express any emotion for me. The worst part is, I've lost all drive for the things I'm missing. We don't have any special dates, everyhting is predictable and every sepcial occaison is ruined. I've gotten so used to it, I dont even feel the absence anymore In the beginning of our relaitonship you used to get me cards and say sweet things on random days and anniversaries. Dates were exciting and I could see how much you liked me. Now, on christmas, I went all out and yes, you did give me the money I needed for my car, but then you got me a photo album... SOmething YOU wanted. because you are visual, that's not how I feel love. Our one year passed and all you did was get me flowers.. now my favorite holiday is coming and you are already saying well... we are just gonna have to do what we can.. I'm sick of all of this. I deserve better. I want more, I just feel so stuck. I know I need to move on.

I finally cut the strings on my destructive relationship and I'm feeling upset with myself for allowing this relationship to continue in such a destructive place. Both of us came in with baggage and learned to need each other to such a degree that we lost all stability. So much anguish and pain. So much jealousy and trust that we cut out the world to make it work and now I am alone. No friends, lost anyone I cared about. Isolated to the extreme, mistaking addiction for love. Afraid and confused about how to prevent this in the future. How to move forward and not fall back in. How to become independent when I used to be so strong. Strange struggles all plaguing me at once. Finding the depression making me exhausted and left with little to no motivation to go to the gym.

Tonight is the first night I feel alone and I haven't done anything yet but I know I need to. I stay bc my heart has strings stuck to hope for a future I used to have. But now when I think about marrying you all I feel is stress, stress for our different religions, your mom, the kind of life we want, the power struggles between us, the times you rejected me for sex, the weird resentment mind games you play like when you actively made me "prove myself" bc I was negative about us for 6 mod I went feeling alone and my heart breaking while u learned to trust I was in it for you I was falling out of love, the way you talk to me and berate me,'our control issues.. I no longer feel excited. Our one year passes and I get roses. I feel subpar and I always had higher standards, at this point shame on me for sticking around, I deserve it. Keep convincing myself we will have this life, that it's okay I'll feel special on Valentine's day when I should feel special everyday. I should be making u feel loved everyday, but I have no motivation bc u suspended it from me for too long. There's nothing left but a persistence for nothing at this point. I wish I could slip quietly out the backdoor and no one would notice, my heart would be okay and I could move forward. I don't know when I became so afraid of making mistakes or losing you when I don't feel like I have anything .. Tonight sucks. I feel like I'm in quicksand made from molasses. I want it to stop, I want my life back. I want a future that is bright, not dreary and emotionally taxing, so why can't I just seize it?

I think I finally just ended it, I've been having such issues being decisive and heard. Getting what I needed instead of asking for it, but I just did. And I feel weird, I don't know if u will respond, I don't know that I'll ever hear from you again. But I know I can't lose my job bc of us, and the stress went too far. The second I opened up and embraced a possibility of a future, I see huge incompatibilities between us . You make me feel insulted when I ask for help , and you are mean. You still hide things from me and you justify it, I'm not allowed to be truthful w my concerns bc I'm just perceived as negative and you always find ways to bring things into the conversation to diminish my self worth. Why would you bring up my self loathing about me in school when I'm forgetting and erasing that path? Why can't I ever get what I need and space to heal or recover from too much hostility without u feeling abandoned? We don't treat each other with love and I don't feel understood. There is so much missing and for so long I felt like I needed to stay simply because I wanted to end up with you, but when does sacrificing ever being happy go hand in hand with love? If we can only be happy when we are physically together there is a problem. I remember being distracted by our relationship in school and the inability to focus, I won't do that with work: I don't even feel respected enough or heard about any of my needs. It's just sad because I didn't want to do this, I didn't want to be alone or without you. I just know I have to. I hope this was the right thing to do and it makes both of us free to be ourselves and to find happiness

I know and knee things were bad, I never knew it would end this way.

My mom could possibly be very I'll with cancer. Bone cancer, for the fourth time in my life and most likely the final.. But instead of calling me or being here u want to believe I'm okay until tomorrow.. Despite knowing exactly what this is like having lost your father. I dk if this is spite or your friends, but uve made this completely worse and I feel even more alone and alienated. You make me feel like it's my fault you didn't call and my fault u aren't here when I deserve a guy who will just know hey she's alone and her mom might be very ill, I should be by her side. Most important, top priority, but the more time that goes by and that you spend w ur friends. The less u care and the more it's about you. The less it matters what I go through. I feel like I could be in the hospital and you'd still be partying in the keys. I could be dead from a car crash and u wouldn't know, bc I can wait. My feelings can wait until tomorrow. My heart can break without you. I can have the worst news of my life without you while you party. And you don't even feel like it's necessary to call

I know maybe this isn't the correct spot to Post, but it's where I feel the perfect balance of invisible and heard. Living and dead at the same time, just like my heart and soul at the moment. Ex, you broke me. You watched me faulter and swooped in to take your revenge for my mistakes. Then as if the damage wasn't worth you came back w empty promises leaving me with a broken heart in the dust.. In a way, I'm happy you left, bc you weren't right for me and without you, I grew closer to myself and my relationship with god. Now, there's a new guy in the picture that I thought was everything I've been waiting for.. I've been praying for the one for so long and finally I thought, someone is sent for me. But I'm realizing.. With each person I let get close to me that breaks a piece of my heart, it affects the next person who gets close to me. In a sense, my brokenness is preventing me from being whole. Even when the other piece could be in front of me . Bc I see all of the past mistakes in him.. Bc I'm afraid. Bc of all of the s before him. So I made this promise not just for me but for god, to finally try to salvage a bit of my purity and bring not only me closer to him but to save my soul from any more damage. I find myself struggling. Giving in to pressures bc I'm afraid.. Afraid I can't be loved without it. Afraid it's ingrained in me and I have to give into the impulse. But each time I faulter, each time I lose a piece of the specialty I'm trying to preserve. I haven't actually crossed a boundary, but the impure thoughts, the impure actions I'm partaking in and the animalistic nature of it all is hurting me. I told you I'm going to start enforcing my boundaries and honestly, I'm nervous you will run away.. I guess I can't blame you, it's a human need. But I need to put me first and be stronger within myself to fight for what I believe ln. I feel like you are going to tell me you can't take my constant concerns, but I'm not perfect.. I'm damaged in a sense.. If you can't deal, you aren't for me. And I need to remember if you loved me the way I need my future husband to, this would just be a testament to our own future. The truth is, I'm not even sure if the way I behave on impulse is something I want to engage in. Even after I tie the knot. Better to find out earlier than later I suppose I want someone to make love to me. Not have desires to complicate and convolute something so sacred and precious. I might live in another century, but I'd rather be alone than have to feel like I'm letting myself down. I've been alone so long, it might just be easier than having to suppress problems because I think you will run. I need to be selfish. Shape myself first. Today determines tomorrow and I want to live a life I'm proud of. A pure one. Where I'm not at risk and I'm responsible.