sunshine34

I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop... It feels like we've been dating for 6 mos and it's been much shorter ... It hurts more than something that was had, felt and burnt out. At least something like that was discovered and rejected . This wasn't even brought to light, there was still so much to learn, so much to do.. So many things left inexperienced and hope crushed. You told me you don't go a day without being afraid of breaking my heart.. My first instinct was to think you don't care for me, Bc if you cared that thought wouldn't cross your mind. We would be in harmony on the same page. It's only when one one person cares proportionately larger that this fear is felt. I knew that it was objective feeling of mine and not oversensitivity , Bc I remembered my friend Sam was seeing a girl who said the same thing to him and that I what i told him. I remember thinking he was so blind to not see how out of the situation she was and he kept telling me he knew she felt things Bc of a b and c and I was convinced he was convincing himself she did Bc he was blinded by his emotions... That's what happened to me. I was so crazy about him that I couldn't see how uninvolved to me he was.granted he did a lot to play into my illusion, like suggesting we go to Vegas for his bday weekend and Valentine's Day , only didn't happen Bc I had my first weekend at a new job. There's a part of me that feels happy none of these things happened and that its ending now Bc I would have been more hurt and broken the longer I got whirled around in this emotional tornado of lies. But there's another part of me that would have just liked to see it through even if I ended up more devastated, Bc I'm still devastated now and I'll never know what could have been.. Only this time it's not my choice. I can't sit there and be strong for him and tell him no you won't break my heart when I know if he already thinks he will, that he will... That skypinh on vday w candy hearts was too much but a video I sent him for his bday wasn't... I'm starting to think his entire connection to me was physical.. I wish he never called me the moments I was upset or told me the feelings he had or adamantly cared about if I was seeing other people. All of those things contradict everything that happened and I'm left a confused fool. Tonight after work he's supposed to send me my last text and I know it will include " you deserve better , I wish you the best , I told you I couldn't have anything too serious bla bla bla" but secretly I wish he'd call... I wish he'd fight for me and tell me he didn't mean the negative things he said, that he wants me just as much Only I know what to expect and the negative anticipation is eating me alive. The band aide needs to be pulled off only I'm almost more afraid as to what happens after that. Life without him.. Life alone and dull with no one I can connect with. And I'm not alone, tons of guys pursue me, I have an amazing family , but no one compares to him.. I can't connect w just anyone like that and I wish he felt the same.. But I can't make him love me

I thought hearing from you would somehow reconnect something. That I would feel full, instead I feel emptier than when this started. You rebounded with a girl that moved to the same state I moved , sweet irony I know. But now that has ruined the chance for us to be on the same page, you feel ed up about it and afraid The distance would tear us apart. I feel partially like you didn't understand the love we had or that I had .. If you did, you couldn't possibly let a second chance go, but then again you didn't spend the last 9 mos longing for me like I did for you.. You spent them building something with another person. Oddly , there is a part of me that somehow believes you do care for me more and you always have. I don't know if it's self fulflilling because I know I can't replace you, or if it's cosmic truth. I do feel for you, that you have messed yourself up and all your emotions, feeling like you don't know who YoU are anymore. Although it is hard not to be selfish and angry at you. Especially because you act like I'm the one who said never. As if you just forget July when I was at sales training and asked for you back.. When you rejected me, or the next time you rejected me in CA and now I know it's Bc u were with someone. By the fact that you're emailing me, I wonder if you are in another relationship already. As if filling and plugging a slot will make it go away.. You must be afraid to face your demons You never did want to face them with me. I hope you learn that, it will make you so much emotionally stronger. As for me, I'm feeling a sense of disdain and sadness mixed with relief . It's like the end of the road has finally happened ... I had been waiting for the moment when you would open up and tell me what was going on, that maybe we'd reconnect. I did picture it kind of differently but it happened. And you still let me go, just walk right out of your life as if I'm going to be there waiting tomorrow. I feel it's time to let go again. But really now, now that I know you've had a chance and you didn't feel the need to fight for dear life for me .. That someone else's pain was greater than our potential and the love . I think I'm also alone in that love that's the part that cuts and leaves me questioning if love really lasts or just with one person to deal with unrequited and alone with a bleeding heart ? You didn't even call me to hear my voice.. Or ask to see me again. I guess you believe I'll never move on, and maybe you're the smart one.. But I sure hope next time I'm the one in love, and not because of a rebound. Because I deserve it. Because I know I can pour my heart and soul into a relationship and I want it back .. I want someone to be there for me through thick and thin, like how I was there for you even after finding out you cheated . How I was there everytime something was wrong w u and remembering your dad. But you weren't there for me. I guess it's time to hurt again, and give up on you like you wanted

I'm really upset right now, but mostly at myself.. I prayed about you and then decided to message u, maybe Bc the holidays are hard, maybe Bc I've been having problems connecting I dk what it was.. But somehow being apart from someone for long enough metamorphisises all the pain into longing and all the hate into whatever love u had. I watched our video of when we were in Miami together and I remembered how happy I was, how you were my best friend and I wanted my life with you. Comparing our story to any of the new ones in attempting to write is pathetic , we had such a movie magical start and it just felt right.. But I'm neglecting to remember how it felt when we went long distance, how selfish and unloving you were. How anytime I cried out for help, even asked u how I can make it better, you resorted to telling me I called you a monster and blaming it on me only telling me to shut up.... Now last night I experience the same pain again. Messaging you and just waiting for a response. No sorry I'm busy or let's talk later, complete lack of consideration. Out of everyone I talk to now, no one acts like that w me. Even the ceo who works as much if not more than u, finds time to message me and check in even call me . It reminds me how insignificant I am... Even when us talking is brand new it's 5pm and I haven't heard from you all day. This time I will not bother wasting my energy telling u I'm upset or giving you a chance to talk your way out, because it's just another dagger I don't need. You'll blame me. You clearly can't give me what I need even still, even w all the space you haven't learned how to treat me. I'm foolish for having feelings and caring for you. Even last night you saying I had no idea how to reach out to you, clearly you didn't think about it that much because email is a very common tool that people use. I also don't recall ever seeing a message and I know even if u block someone iMessages go through . And how can you explain all of the mean messages you sent me telling me I should go on dates and move on and you really didn't care for me.. You didn't try to do that either. I'm just a stupid care bear with a big heart for a man that will never reciprocate and consistently blame me for it

i miss u so much

you've left m where. here in this land of broken promises and mistakes. to pick up my mess and forget you. to forget the promises of forever and "love". maybe you never loved me the same and I am disposable, i just wish you would remember, remember me for th egood instead of harboring abate and resentment, YOu showed me so many things i had not felt and lifted my heart now you are a memory because you chose hate.

He is not able to talk to me much at all... When flirty or nice things are said it seems like it's all me... Then when I try to be an adult and say I'm gonna back away Bx j feel like I'm more into this he says no, this is the most I've felt into someone in such a short period of time my schedule is just crazy ... I hate feeling this way and have no idea when I will see him next so it feels pointless. I just want resolution.. Meanwhile , I still don't think I've completely forgotten about my ex and I'm still hurt w our last convo and how easily he has forgotten me. Every time I come home I think more of him, not that he ever leaves my mind, but here he seems to taunt me... It makes me feel worthless that someone who shared so much with me and of Me that would move on the way he did over semantics. Why does it matter who ended it when he was out practically cheating on me and not treating me right at all?!? This whole thing is a mess

I'm a mess... I use men and relationships to escape reality.. Maybe that's why I can't keep anything, Bx I use them in a toxic sense. Like a drug or alcohol. To numb the pain from life problems. Most recently I left my job, had to come back home, 2 weeks before I met a guy, no one I would ever attempt usually. Super hot, not very successful, prototype. I did it and I had an aamazinf time second I felt attached and that he was pulling away is when I told him I was leaving in a week.. Then I ended up meeting another guy in my building, super hot but literally just broke up w his live in gf, what did I care ? He was a distraction, ended up bonding w him over a cancer connection , how sick I know. Anyways, I'm home now thousands of miles away talking to both of them... Why?!?! To distract me from my real problems... That I'm reverting back to a temp job bar tending and trying to figure out where my life goes next... Only now these feelings are confusing and making me angry and upset. The time zone difference and how much one of them works

I can't stop thinking about you, I know it's partially bc I'm home again and last time I was here I had hope for us. That was before you crushed all of that .. You didn't even have the decency to tell me that you didn't see a future ever and I should move on like I asked you when I proposed we try again and you said you thought it would be possible. I got into a horrible car wreak and was having a difficult time adjusting , you called and e talked, for me it felt good just to hear your voice. For you, I got the sensation that you just wanted to get off the phone.. When the call ended you said talk to you later but what you really should've said was goodbye. Because that's what you meant. I kept reaching out and you gave me the greatest form of rejection, silence. I asked if you were getting my messages or just ignoring them and you responded w a cliche breakup speech which is quite ridiculous as I had dumped you 4 mos prior to this ... It still cut like a knife, you said "I was there for you in your crash bc I wanted to make sure you were alive. But we are no longer a part of each other's lives and I choose not to read your messages. Please respect my email" so cold and crass , I responded with anger telling you if you didn't see what we had now, you never would and that I was going to forget you. You responded "thank you". Probably the worst thing I could've heard. I should've seen it coming , I guess for you it doesn't matter how much you "loved " someone you will always cut it the moment it's done. Clear and crystal , no its ands or buts I disappeared the day I needed to leave bc u didn't treat me right. You always told me you shut anyone out who leaves no matter how u feel, and I could see this pain and anguish in your eyes but I thought it didn't matter bc I thought we'd never separate. You also said "you are a friendly person you will make friends put yourself out there and go on a date. I know you're unhappy but you've gotten everything you want and now you just have to sort it out. Wish the best for you" that part was probably the worst. "Go on a date" that made it fairly clear he has a gf or he's over it somehow already sleeping with tons of people. I have been on many dates and all it does is make things worse for me . Like last night, started talking to this stylish, successful man in San Diego, he didn't really get me. I made a fool of myself bc I was drunk and he called and I was just trying to hard. I need to go back to dating school or something, my game is just off and I'm embarrassed. Maybe after that I'll be over you. But that wound feels like a scar because you and I had something special for me and it can't be replaced. The fact that you just forgot and diminished everything we were makes me confused as to if you ever felt the way u said u did . If your love is so fickle it was never forever

When going through crisis I find I miss u the most and even with the closure I still feel confused... I left you and when I left you said you'd never forget. Yet you did. ?!?!?! Everything you ever "felt" or said u felt is a lie. You are a lie and a sad excuse for a man. I'm struggling now more than I ever had and I just want love, I want a best friend and I had both in you. Before you decided to suck as a bf not show u cared at all and never change then get all this is you're fault when I left bc u had no idea how to treat me and now you've forgotten me. I'm in such a bad place w money I'm going to default on my loans , I've been lied to and kicked around. This entire situation is a joke and I am all alone left scrambling. So many people seem to be getting sick and dying this week , smokey is gone . I wonder if it's that stupid blood moon: I still can't believe your last message to me " we are no longer a part of each other's lives" as if some skank u just met can replace living together... Me holding you through your dads death. All of that is nothing bc otou met someone meaningless and ur finally getting a tiny taste of success after I toought u about wanting it. Bc before me all u wanted to be was a standard, run of the mill vet. You're a low class who is secretly gay and has no idea how to treat women and no matter how many lines you come up with, it'll eventually come out

I don't know why but looking at your picture brings me comfort , even though I'm stressed and I know you aren't a part of my life, you're my past and I understand now that is what you want. But I loved you so much, I still do, and all that goodness makes me happy and hopeful I'll have it again. Except this time maybe I'll be able to stop it from going bad, maybe I'll recognize destruction before it rears it's head . You bring me calm, and for that I'm thankful even though it means nothing for you and I am a mere memory to you, it doesn't have to. The positive feeling I felt tonight was simply that, a positive feeling and reciprocation is irrelevant. I have many fond memories of you now, the dock, School, the home we shared. And the good thing is, the bad ones don't seem so bad anymore and I'm able to enjoy the good ones because I am no longer breaking myself trying to get them back, I'm not bending over backwards to some how conjur them back. Bc it's over and so is any shred of us now it's just a memory

He just doesn't care and I can't get over it I wish we never started talking again, I wish I kept the book closed. For those of you out there thinking of opening it, keep it closed

I was doing better, a lot better from when we broke up and when we last spoke. I thought I was on my path to finding new happiness.. Then I moved accross the country with a new job and no friends, yesterday got into a car wreak that should have left me with lots of damage to my health. I was lucky I wasn't hurt, but my entire car is disfigured and I am traumatized and alone. I have a lump on my jawline and there's all this drama at work. I caved, I emailed him and he called me this morning. It felt really good just to talk and feel comforted by him, but he left the convo abruptly because he was taking his car in for an oil change.. I still have such trust issues, I just kept picturing him leaving bc he was meeting with a girl. Either way it's none of my business and I was thankful to have him care enough to call and calm me down. Now I'm just longing for love, for that connection. There's a part of me that knows the damage is done with us and it'll never be him, but it's comforting to feel something for someone again. It gets so frustrating date after date and not having connection , then instantly I'm transported to love just from talking to my ex . It is illogical. I'm just trying to embrace any positive energy I can. So many stressful things are happening, rent and bills due without my direct deposit, driving is traumatizing me although grateful I am alive very grateful. Concerned about having to get. Anew car and how my salary will actually be trued up plus drama at work and being alone out here. It's so hard being over 2k miles away from anyone that cares about you. All I want is a hug and for someone to hold me and let me stay there for a while. I miss everyone so much more than I can express.

I feel like my heart is dying bc I miss u and j wish our love was more important than ur selfishness. Bc I had a soul w u, bc we were so much more than the bull that dating is now. Bc we broke through and u saw me bc u were in my heart and my head and now all u can think about is logistics and details. Your pain is more important than our joy, you're losing me every day and u don't care. I'm bound to fall for someone else before u realize what u had, I bet you ever will. You're too hard headed and selfish to feel the pain and learn from it. All you think about is you and i hate you for being so selfish. WhT can I forget everything and you can't? Why can't you look past pride and whT is that so much more than us? Did u ever love Me? Obviously not bc love is patient and love is kind. You are cruel and evil, I am laone

I'm feeling depressed and while I can contribute part of it to hormones from this new pill, the other part is due to so much chaos happening at once. I'm moving in a week and im still trying to get the payment settled , you'd think they would want to get back to me so I have a way to pay them! Also trying to figure out reserving elevators for furniture. Then there's the fact of living w my dad who hates me and treats me like a stranger who he's disgusted by. My love life is atrocious, I contacted my ex two weeks ago and at first it made me happy and hopeful bc he said he might give us a chance in the future and that he was still butt hurt over the fact that I broke up w him which to me is still obnoxious bc he knows why I had to. Anyways, weeks later im miserable again bc something inside me knows I won't hear from him again and here I am alone. Missing him and unable to connect or have love. Every human being deserves love and. A book I read recently argues the only way life has meaning is with love .. I'm not sure the next time I'll have it, but I know I've recently started wanting and craving it again... I'm utterly sick of meeting new people and all the bad first dates that never go anywhere. All the men trying to get in my pants ... I'm over all of it. I just want someone I can love. And the worst part is, even if I find someone, it's not like it'll be immediately the closeness I had w my ex, maybe I'll never have that again. It's making me upset and unable to want to do anything but sleep and eat. My emotional eating has spiraled out of control and I keep wanting junk food. I'm truly not sure I will ever win the battle w food, I can only stay healthy for Max 6 mos at a time before im back to carbs and fats . I need to get a hold of my life

I just want to scream

another down swing today. last night I wnet out and I was actually on a high, just started talking to a guy in beverly hills, which is the perfect city in my imagination.. that as going well , he even said he knew someone to find me a job since my pending offer in CA seems to be taking forever and it's northern ca not southern. I was with my friend renee, planning on studying today for my stupid 5 day training in naples, kind of decided I would get serious and earn a bonus. went out and I met a guy, first time since you that I felt butterflies about someone.. got that same vibe like I wanted to know everything about him, that he was a genuinely good person and I was attracted to him.Then I start telling him about my dreams and all of a sudden he tells me I should go talk to someoen else bc he hates CA and bla bla so I went upstairs and away from him and my friend bc she was talking to someone else and I just wanted to be gone. Being depressed about the rejection brought me to you.. then he came and found me, and kissed me /asked for my number. I am not sure why but even the making up/weird fighting reminds me of you so ed up that you haunt me even when you've been out of my life for so long. it jut feels like when it rains it pours, then I go home and my gf tried to get into my pants, and I jut felt all uncomfortbale and weird..I tried to pretend IW as aslee and she wouldn't stop... ended up making out w her to suppress her but it just felt wrong and sad. woke up this morning after sleeping in my cntacts and makeup, enormous eye infection and hungover. So I couldn't skeep bc I couldnt close my eyes, hurt too much. took a prescription strength ibuprofen from when I had surgery and laid around all day.. too depressed and tired to study. meanwhile I have to meet with b**chy lady tomorrow to review and im not prepared everything always hits me at once and I ahve no best friend, I have no you, I just have an empty gaping hole inside of me begging to be filled with love, but so guarded from all the ish you put me through I'm unable to feel ANYTHING. and the second I even get SIMPLE effing butterflies it has to be over a dysfunctional situation . ugh

I wish it was that easy for me to forget you and say this, I don't care. You die to me all do a sudden and everything we made, all the lines we crossed never happened. That's whT im in so much pain, bc u don't care about any of it.. All of my energy and time and feelings meant nothing.. They were wasted and it feels like it was a dream. I hate tou

I'm not in a good place right now... The weekend was so nice, I felt special Friday went shopping and to a super beautiful venue for dinner. Had a long weekend, didn't sleep much but worked out and stayed fairly healthy. But my work life is so screwed up that im feeling actually depressed to go back and it's making me think of you which makes zero sense, probably unrelated and both are depressing feelings so it's all converging and making me a mess of emotions. Ca job keeps pushing me off and leading me on about when it will be finalized im getting so angry and I know that won't help anything but at the same time what am I supposed to do??? I hope by this week I'll know the truth.. Have a phone interview for something in miami tomorrow and that is just making me think of you all over the place. If I went back it would feel impossibke not to reach out to you... I hope I heal more and this is therapeutic for me. I need to remember how much of a heartless ass you were . How cold you were And how little I matter to you.. The most obvious fact is the one that can't sink in because you're words said he opposite. Despite logically knowing that just makes you a douche, im having a hard time beig okay w it all.. You not only let me go but you haven't reached out, so why should I? That's an obvious fact that you forgot me

I'm having flickers of you PPP into my head this weekend. I wanted to ask for you back today... I got sad knowing you've forgotten me and that I don't know what you're doing, I have no idea if I've been replaced or what is going on and I hope one day I'm okay not knowing, because now I am still in pain and checking my emails for messages you will never send . You're stubborn and it's stupid, you lost me bc work was more important and now you can't fight bc ur prides more important. Where did I stand on the list of priorities? 300?

This holiday is going to be difficult ... It's the one that ended my time in miami last year, our apartment together and our life. This year it represents my new single life hopefully finally reaching ca... Quite ironic that these changes happen around independence day. I miss u.. I remember watching the fireworks by the beach w u and my brother , breaking ur bullet cup bc it was screwed on so tightly. I was so depressed about life then , worse than I have ever been.. Yet you brought me joy. And I took you for granted , im sorry for that. At that time j blamed u for my depression bc it was easier, that was easier than fixing me. I thought moving away would solve me and it didn't. I got better, but I lost you. And even when I got worse w depression again, you were there again. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. You were incredible to me and so faithful. I took that wayy too for granted, I see that now that I'm starting to get to know new men... It sucks. People suck. No one is you.. No one gives me chills or butterflies like I had w u. The ability to not only be around someone for hours at a time and not want to leave, but to literally crave more. I don't remember how that feels. People now give up so easily, oh your favorite color is brown and not blue, screw this I'm out and it always ends the same "good luck in your search". Like its a job interview, cold callous collected. You go through many many mini break ups each day with people you never were invested in anyways, sometimes it's you, sometimes it's them... Either way, each time I lose a little bit of hope that I'll ever find another you. Literally just like a needle in a haystack.. Not even kidding had a mini break up tonight with a guy I've barely spoken to about a news article... On mandatory vaccination. He works in finance, he knows nothing of immunology and I majored in it... He went on and on about how it's "taking Liberty" and if I didn't understand that we just weren't meant to be.. Mind you, all he did was send me the news article and ask me what I tjought, I gave my opinion and he went on a rant ending in that... I can understand why he's so much older than me , good looking and well off yet never married.. Psychotic. I didn't even bother to read his rant after the first text book page of na text , just skipped to the end.. The cold "best of luck in your search".. Even typing here imagining im talking to you makes me feel more of a connection than I've felt for anyone I've gotten to know .. That's sad. Yet somehow it's comforting to know I can still feel connection even if it's to someone who doesn't want to be in my life anymore. You and I had something truly special, and we screwed it up.. But at least no matter what happens, I can say I loved someone fully, in new ways I had not before and I grew from us. Doesn't change how much I frikin miss you, how I see you in my dreams and feel alone every day that passes and I check my inbox or my messages and calls and still... Nothing. Everything else is nothing. At least that's how it feels( and it's frightening , frightening to know even if I get my dreams, it will feel less because i ddont have you to share with. You really were my other half. If I could kiss you I would, and I wouldn't stop until we fell asleep holding each other like we used to. That's the screwed up part... It's not like we ended on one of our horrible parts, the last time I saw you, both of us had love and shared love... But I loved you more this time, and you not being able to be in it when I needed you made me need to walk. Bc being that in love with someone who didn't understand how much it hurt to be neglected.. I hate how you say u loved me the same if not more when you couldn't even take 5 mins from work to text me... When you couldn't actively think of me. It's proof that I wasn't anything to you, and I wish u didn't lie about it. I wish Ud fess up, then I'd have closure. But even in the end, u made it all about you and how you're so SAD I broke how with you... Seriously no self reflection, no ability to take responsibility or see why j had to go bc u kept mistreating me.. Such a good manipulator. U had me fooled for so long until I couldn't keep the rosy glasses on anymore. I couldn't keep taking the bull

this weekend has been kind of brutal.. with the rain it almost feels like a sign of sadness and heartbreak. I'm exhausted from dating, i feel hopeless , like no one will have love the way we did. I've taken a huge break from doing most things, yet trying to stay distracted. I had accepted it was over and you didn't care, but seeing it play out is another thing entirely. I guess there was a part of me that thought it would just take a little longer for things to set in for you..since i kept breaking nc and giving you that validation that I still had feelings, that it would take longer for the hearbreak to set in and for you to reach out or miss me..i guess I was wrong, it's been over 5 weeks now and still radio silence.. I am just like Katie to you now.I think back to when we first met, to when I used to think I could see the hatred and feeling in your eyes about her, how I knew you never let go.. I guess someone else will see that memory of me in your eyes, and I will become insignificant too. I thought we were different, I thought you had grown up. Your pride is so much more important to you than the feelings for me. Youd rather bury them deep, never say my name again and keep your pride then have love.. You always chose that over me. I guess I should be happy, happy I don't have a half lover. Because you didnt love me the way you said you did. It was all a fantasy and a lie. You forgot me the moment I left, meaning I was never in your heart. I just wish I could escape the memories, it's likea slow motion movie in my head and my heart is so shut off because of it. Because it's the only movie I want to see and the only one I can't reach, it's toxic but it's all I have. It's all I'll ever have of you... aside from this box of stuff I can't bring myself to throw out. I have a camera roll of us I want to develop but can't bring myself to do it fo fear it will push me to contact you. you had all of me, on such a deep level, you saw me, you knew me, we were best friends.you were my other half and now if something bad happened to oyu I wouldn't even know. you've disappeared and you don't even care

This healing process is tougher than I expected it to be, it feels like I'm bleeding out slowly and it isn't going to stop anytime soon. In the past, my breakups have all been similar in the healing process, violently painful gushing of my insides and my life changing and then calm. This one is not at All like that, it's slow and drawn out, but level all the way through, I cannot tell you that it hurts any less than it did the moment we broke up and the only change im seeing is how often I think of the pain. It's like I've learned to ignore it, but whenever I think of it, which is still often, it feels just as fresh as it did a mo and a half ago. It's giving me less hope of a full recovery and fear I've been jaded this time. I still think of you every single day, I still feel confused about how you feel and I still feel broken that I can't see your face or have what we did. Now I think the difference eis that I understand and comprehend you will never contact me again. I no longer look for you on this site as I stuoidly did even though you were never here, you don't think of me anymore it's the only thing that makes sense... If you thought of me or missed me, you would have reached out , because I reached out and you gave me the ultimate form of rejection , radio silences as if I had been gisel or some girl you just met. You know I never felt good enough to you, from the moment on our Halloween cruise when I found all those other girls in your phone to the moment when you kept condemning me for "not loving you". No matter how many ways I tried to show you I was head over heels for you, you never accepted it... And I don't understand why.. Then when you look at actions when they really matter , like now when both of us have nothing to lose and the titles have been lost, who is the one mourning us? Me. Who forgot me in a day? You. That is so black and white that you were the one who actually didn't love me... Maybe that's why u couldn't accept my love , because you never had it, so you couldn't believe I did??

I want to find love and get married and I can accept it won't be with you. I know I will find connection and love again. Now I am nervous about finding it, but even accepting and understanding it won't be you is a huge step for me

I am ready to put you in th past. I want love again ,

I think I'm getting better?? I don't know.. It still feels like I'll never be over you, the urges to contact you are subsiding. But the love and attachment aren't going anywhere. I can't feel anything for anyone but you.. I can't imagine being close to someone how I was with you. I am confused about how you feel and most days it doesn't matter because I'm starting to realize this is permanent. You are never going to PPP up on my phone or contact me again, I'll never see u again Nd everything we had is history. It's only the occasional day like today when I miss snuggling, I miss my best friend, I miss caring about someone and wanting to see them. But I refuse to think about you in detail or wonder where u are because I'll never know and it doesn't need to matter. You are in my past for good and my future is blank.