sunshine34

My biggest mistake was believing in you again. You never gave me a reason. Even when you came back. But I blindly wanted to believe you. I'm sick of being stomped on

"It's only a matter of time, before we all burn". I've been hiding from my feelings, I still am.. Today I am opening Pandora's box so I can close it without an ounce of hope for it to ever open again."where my badge a vinyl sticker w big block letters tells your new friends I am a visitor here I am not permanent". I tried w all my heart to not end up here, yet it's my heart that sent me here. My actions have shown and continue to show how much I love you, despite my neglect or acknowledgement of it. Bc when you love someone like I still so painfully do, you can't help but relentlessly do anything for things to work. It's funny bc the same reason we broke up the first time.. Is why we are here again. I couldn't fight enough for both of us, all I have control over is me. Some standards can't be overlooked and broken.. After all I went through w u this summer.. For you to come back and pretend you wanted me, when really you couldn't keep your hands to yourself in Europe. To sit there and pretend that you were "serious" about me. But you've taken me on one date in the 4 mos you've been back. A date that was about you. Given me one note where you said less than I've said to you in one night. Keep telling me it's too soon to move in with me In a year, but that I should take comfort in the fact that you only "date girls you could see itgoing there with". Having you sit there in silence while I can't stop spewing out my guts is the most painful feeling of it all.. A pain you are lucky to have never felt from me. At least I'll never go through that again. The funny part is, that's exactly how it was before you left.. Nothing changed. U were just selfish. Maybe I was just sex. You never looked me in the eyes and told me I was special, or why you loved me. And all I wanted was to be loved fully, all you did was walk out when things got tough. The only reason they got tough was bc of your inability to express yourself. Our last conversation all you could say is I'm sorry and that I deserved someone who would cherish me. At least you know I am worth that and admitted you can't. It doesn't make it better right now. It doesn't make the hidden rejection and built up pain worse. I had healed myself and finally thought you'd love me like I wanted.. Nope. Just a joke.couldnt even not see other girls. I guess I just thought the guy excited to plan dates for me would come back, the one who lit candles and put on pandora. Now you send me cold excuses about how bc u are in school you can't be with me. Minimalist attitude that makes me angry I wasted a second with you assuming it meant anything. I guess it used to. I need to stop giving so much. Especially when I know it's useless/unreturned. That's the most hurtful part. I feel so vengeful, like I want you to see all that I did and realize one day why you were such a . But I guess, if you realized that, we wouldn't be here. You think bc u are some badass doctor all you need is you. I know I am better without you, I'm more hurt that I let this happen. Every time I try to leave you, you make me feel like you left me. Which is also annoying bc if u knew u didn't want this, y didn't you have the balls to break it off? Bc I never really meant anything to you

I feel stupid and embarrassed, at 24 I should know better. I should have never kissed you for a multitude of reasons including that I would be working with you all summer.. That I barely knew you and that you came off as an . But I did. And even worse, I believed you. From the moment I met you I felt something I haven't felt in a while and all I did was think of you. I spent all night just thinking about you in bed. You said the same and the brief night we spent together was magic for me. It felt as if we had already been a couple and I played into that, I let myself trust you. Believe you. We talked about what would happen when you went to Spain. We talked about your life and mine. We kissed and danced and embraced. It felt magnetic and I didn't want to leave . I didn't know I'd never have another chance to kiss you or touch your hair or tell you how much I like you. How special I thought you were. "she is beautiful but she don't mean a thing to me" how so much can change in an instant boggles me. Friday we spent the day talking and you called me twice , I couldn't stop smiling at work. I was so excited about you and about what was to come. I thought we would have something else, something more. I'm honestly still in shock. Even though I didn't think you were trustworthy, I didn't see this coming . I didn't think you'd hook up w one of the girls you were "friends" w or that you would be so cold and dismissive to me after being so warm. That night I thought u were going to come in, but you didn't.. I was honestly upset. Disappointed and upset. The next day we talked and it felt good still.. U told me you would try to see me at work.. I was almost sure you would come . Luckily my section was slammed and if u did come I wouldn't have been able to pay attention so I barely flinched when I got the message that yet again you weren't coming. This time I felt like I should pull away, that you didn't really care. Bc if u did, you would have shown up. Then yesterday.. I get a call from you and I'm thinking when you say u don't know how to put this that you are going to apologize for not coming . But no, you told me that you hooked up w one of the girls you've been friends w for 7 years. Then I have to hear the excitement in your voice about her, "no one else really saw it coming" a little but of your home accent slipping out w each emotional drop you shed about this girl.. Brushing me off like yesterday's news, bc to you, I am. How coldly you go on to talk about her and how u didn't se wit coming and sugar coat it w but u are amazing and I liked you, I still like you. But I'm going to pursue her, so the date tomorrow isn't happening and that u want to be friends. I handle it w indiffernce at first and just want to get off the phone. I vomit a few text messages later just telling you I don't want to be friends w a guy like you. That you didn't care about me at all. Of course , nothing back from you. You are w her today probably and have forgotten me. You are not a good person, I know I will move forward after a day of mourning, I'm just upset that I let you in at all. That I have waited so long to feel this sparkly undeniable thing and when I get it, it's not reciprocated.. I'm starting to think its not worth it. That stupid spark always ends up hurting more than helping. Maybe playing it safe is better I miss u and I just wish I could kiss you and flirt w u and get lost in hours of your voice. But I'm glad you are happy and the truth is, it's good this happened now and not later when I cared more. Bc we both know, it's inevitable for it to happen w u . U are just that kind of guy

Seeing couples that are happy together is a trigger point for me. Seeing a guy treat his gf the way I always begged you to. Hearing the kind of stuf Doug puts his gf through and hating his gf for putting up with it when, this is me, but worse bc I'm not your gf and I'm putting up with your . I'm tired of taking it because "I have feelings", I'm sick of having feelings for ty men, little boys. I'm not doing it anymore. The second I dot feel complete, I'm out. I guess I sort of told you how I felt, apologized for how I handled telling you and then said we shouldn't speak until you get back. You, being the careless ass that you are, didn't even respond . I'm sick of this . I'm done with you. Tomorrow, I am deleting whats app so you have no way of contacting me if your petty self decides the next ho you are with makes you feel needy. I am focusing on getting rid of you from all aspects of my life and not thinking about you at all. There are so many men who will love me more and treat me right, I don't need you. I hope you come back and dot contact me, bc u haven't changed. You are a jerk. And you will continue to be a jerk.

I'm upset and sad .. I say what I want to say or feel so inclined on impulse get wiled up and then realize you haven't responded and I could have lost you and none of it is worth it. It's sick how much I want to sacrifice my well being for yours, but it's unhealthy and unreciprocated I'm just disappointed in you. I don't know why you don't see or understand any of this..

I think I have been afraid of the very thing I did this morning, yet longing deep inside to do it for a while now. I found out you are going to be missing for another three weeks last night, and all of a sudden I couldn't ignore the situation anymore. I've been distracting myself with trying to find a job, getting myself in shape, seeing other people. I can't anymore, because I can't deny my longing for you. My deep desire for you to love me, to encompass me the way you used to. The way we would talk all day, how I would get so excited to do things I hate just because its with you, how it felt when I had your love so very long ago. You have this way of getting me to abandon all self respect, all self desires, needs and dreams just to keep you. Anything so I won't disrupt the peace, your peace, so you will keep me even for just a minute longer and I'd do it. However, now I am learning I will never truly be happy this way and you won't automatically at random morph into the guy that completed me this way or ever most likely. Any other man who has said the things you have said to me, neglected me the way you have would be out the door but I give you a free pass. Why? Is the hope of a tingle of happiness worth all of the pain and self inflicted desperate hurting? No. Not any more. Because , the longer I wait for you, the longer I keep you in my life, the more prolonged my happiness and hope for love is. So many new men are sweeter with me than you, and you are supposed to be this person who "loves me". I guess you didn't use that word, that's right. That was my imposition. That's the problem isn't it? I'm shoving feelings, words, actions even into your mouth that you never displayed. Tacking on ideas and reasons where I shouldn't. Just to keep you with me, to justify your actions. These are the facts, the night before my surgery, when you were the only man I loved and the only person in my life I could rely on, you proceeded to tell me that you couldn't date me because the difference between that and what we were doing is that you couldn't be with someone else in the future and that you may want that. Basically affirming that I was not enough for you and that you needed other women. You listened to me cry, my teary eyed plea asking what I could do? what I could change? what was I missing? in the lowest of my lows and you said there was nothing I could do. Never giving me the satisfaction of explaining what I was missing that you were seeking in the other women you so desperately couldn't give up. Apologizing saying that you wished you could change how you felt. I heard your phone vibrating and couldn't stand laying in your bed while you were entertaining the possibility of something better.. with someone who couldn't love you more 3 feet from you. Yet so much further from me. That day I let you go, I told you I loved you not in the hopes of hearingit back, but because I meant it, and I knew I wouldnt see you again. YOu said it back, why? I am still not sure, pity? so you wouldn't feel badly about yourself? Days later I said one last goodbye text because we were still speaking here and there and I knew this wouldn't help me , that I would keep the wound open with you texting at all. I knew you were leaving for the entire summer and it was best I just let everything go, hopes of anything all of it. If you didn't want all of me, why should I give you the satisfaction of parts of me? Bits and pieces to fill in your boredom whenever that happened to fall on you. You just left it aloen and didn't say anything, a silent bow out which honestly was the best answer I could have gotten. BEcause anything you could have said would have just burned deeper within me. Destroying any positive memory I have of you and mutating it into the new reality where I'm just some girl to you. Nothing more, nothing less. I'm finally doing alright, well not really, but sort of, spending my time on me and trying to see others to show me what it means to care about someone. That someone actually could appreciate me, and they did. Much better than you. Then you contact me, saying you didn't want to leave without telling me you still had feelings and wanted to work on us when you got back.. Not that you loved me, or that you were sorry for breaking my heart, or that you didn't need other women, none of that was said. I just said it to myself for you.. Then you leave, unable to speak to me, you sort of half assed answer some of my questions but nothing to make me feel better. Days turn to weeks and we barely speak. Flash forward to last night when I find out you are spending 3 more weeks away , I'm sick of pretending. Pretending I'm okay, that this makes me happy. That you are doing your part, because you aren't. I'm doing everythingI can to do it for you, maybe you only wanted me because you knew how much I loved oyu, that I would basically let you do anything just so I could have you. Finally, I do what ive been wanting to do forever, stand up for myself all the while knowing this means you will just stop talking to me. Because I'm not worht the complications for you. Complacency is destroyed so now you can just blame me for being erratic and emotional and high maintenance even though all you had to do was be good to me and love me back. With maybe 1/5 as much as I do. I wake up to a text responding to me where you say, I havent had time to talk to anyone, I have to pay for wifi. This made me livid. I'm just grouped in with everyone else as usual, I'm an expense . You can just write off an excuse and I'm supposed to accept it even though you don't even realize how LUCKY you are to have all the love i give you, to just have me waiting around for you. NONE of that means anything. YOu are a selfish, spoiled, piece of crap. I tell you still in nice enough words how the probelm is that I'm not special , I'm grouped in with others that you can do what you want and explore those options you always wanted to. You only gave me a few sentences, not even a phone call, and I took you back. You didn't tell me you didn't need other women, or that you loved me, or devoted any time to speaking to me. I worded it lightly, and for some reason I can't remember exactly what i said even though it was only this morning. Probably because it hurts me to send these to you. Because I know you don;t care enough to prove it, that me being inconvenient will only push you away and in your mind give you license to seek out other women. Only, I partially don't care anymore and partially still dont want to care anymore. I don't deserve this and I don't want it anymore. I shouldhave said that. I told you to take me off of the list you message. I am starting to think it's best if we won't speak anymore. New guys are nicer to me, saying nicer things, taking me on dates, courting me, caring about me more than you do at this point and I'm wasting love on you. I haven't found love yet, but I won't with you hanging in my thoughts. CLogging up my arteries and taking my breath with all the harsh words and neglect you dish out. It's unacceptable and I don;t know how you can see anything differently. Why what you did is okay to you? Why you think you can just waltz back into my life and be the same jerk you were when I last saw you? Oh yeah, because I'm accepting it. No more. I'd rather hurt than have you in any part of me to mess me up again. I know at some point you will say somethign else and I'm not sure if I should acknowledge you or just ignore you stone cold. I somehow blank at everythign you say because you twist it into something it's not and make me feel unreasonable. I'm sick and tired of this bad luck, of being sick and tired. I need a break. SOmething to go right for once. I can't get a job, despite practically killing myself going on interview after interview after interview and pretending to be so enthusiastic about bartending jobs when thats the last thing I want to do, but its the only way I can get quick money and fix my car before I can get a good job. Starving because I can't eat right now because I dont have a job, dealing with my family and friend drama and being a sponge to take in all of their problems and drain them away will suppressing my own. Each day waking up and being positive about something I really am not sure will resolve itself. hating my body every day and not understanding why I am so mentally sick that I need to be tiny. Sick of this superficial city and the expectations to be outwardly perfect and inwardly empty. Tired of you making me feel unworthy of love and unable to love all these people that want me .. Unable to find good friends and connections. Something needs to go right for me.. I can't keep doing this. I almsot wish school would start again so I could drown myself in studying and forget everyhting else that is wrong, which would be everything. I just want to scream. And eventhat doesn't provide any relief. I HATE YOU

I've come a long way since I last posted here.. Time apart when I can't speak with you and genuinely focusing on moving forward has been the culprit for this new place I am in. I'm not quite sure where we stand, I only know I will not allow myself to pine over you and hurt for you any longer. You've been gone for weeks, around 3 and today was one of the rare days you messaged me saying you were in a cafe in Switzerland and the weather made you want to snuggle. I found out you aren't coming back until the 17th of July.. Basically another 3 weeks. Each day like this is a day I am pulling myself from you. You've barely spoken to me your whole trip and the truth is, I have given up on you. It's not fair to keep begging someone to love you, to show you they love you. I was tired of it so I quietly left. No words this time, no energy for those. Since then, since my white flag, you've talked to me here and there with sentiments that remind you of me , but this isn't a relationship. I have no idea what you are up to and you don't care. I don't trust you and I can only imagine what you are doing or what the rest of your trip with your "friends" will look like. I told you today that it was 3 more weeks and then you'd start school, that we've barely spoken and you should do what you want to do. Then I said I missed cuddling too, but honestly, with all this neglect.. I don't know how I feel. I don't want to be with you the way thigs were when I left you , I don't want to be with you the way you are so cold with me now and unloving. So what else is there? A tiny crevice that I am crawling into , a window for the past us I keep remembering. Only each day that fades.i am almost sure that with 3 more weeks of this meak contact I won't even want to see you when you return. There are so many people who would love me more. I'm tired of sacrificing for you to treat me this way. It's not enough. I still fantasize about you completing me, about us running away together to Europe. Then I get angry at you for going away without a second thought your entire summer leaving me with the stressed out no time for anything fun version of you. While some strange European gets the you I wanted. There's nothing I can do. The anger is useless, my emotions are useless. Time is dissolving me. It's your fault. I'm starting to feel like it's best I leave you a closed chapter

ive learned to not expect from you, minus expecting the worst of course. I push my feelings and thoughts away from you into new focuses and with all the other problems in my life right now it's been a bit easier to do it. I deleted our conversation on whatsapp and cannot see when you have logged in and not contacted me which has been helping me to not be hurt and upset despite the pink elephant. The one telling me that you have logged in and haven't messaged me, that things will never be the same. I was naive to think all of a sudden with a few words from you , you would metamorphosize back into the guy that was my boyfriend. You've changed. I used to refer to this phenomenon as the old you and the new you but it was just a coping mechanism, a way to keep that part of you sacred with hopes of a sudden emergence of this person. The truth is, that person is technically the same as this new person, after all you are just yourself. You've gone through experiences which I dont know since we have been apart that have shaped you into who you are now. This isn't temporary and life doesn't move in reverse no matter how deeply I wish it would. I remember when we were together and you used to talk with me nonstop all day, we had conversations about everything from science to life to jokes, the way you used to look at me, well throw me looks and I just knew you were the best person I had ever met. I could feel the goodness oozing from you and your soul, it brought out the best in me, the parts I had lost and not found until I found you. The candlelit surprises with pandora are some of the best memories I have."i've packed a change of clothes and it's time to move on". It's the simple , romantic things you did that were so special to me. The moments when the noise left and it was just your heart and hands intertwined with mine. I kept hoping this would just appear out of thin air. Now, lately, you don't talk with me at all and I feel like homework for you. I am the only one expressing feelings and you just respond, sometimes not at all. You don't even respond to pictures, for instance, when I sent you the sexy picture of me, you said "very nice" as if I was your grandmother and I kissed you on the cheek. I dont know what is really going on and that kills me. I don't understand why you said you wanted to be with me when you return, but your actions are saying you could care less I am alive. I can make up many reasons in my head, there's someone else and I'm a backup, you wanted someone when you came home, you are afraid to be alone, you are using me. I will never know what it really is and you won't tell me. THe only thing I can control is how I react. I've come to understand that forcing this, or trying to get you to change into the past does nothing but hurt me. I've been happier and lighter not speaking with you than when we do speak. Even though I have lots of bad luck and a streak of terrible things happening, it's better when I dont have to pile on the pain you give me. The pain from having myself open and trying with you is greater than the pain of missing you. Because whatever it is that I miss isn't really there. It's just like a dream I can't let go of. This thing that exists between us right now, will never satisfy me. As a person, you set your own rules and you determine what your standard of ultimate love is. "take my photo off the wall if it just won't sing for you. bc all thats left has gone away and theres nothing there for you to prove. oh look what you've done you've made a fool of everyone. oh well, it seems like such fun until you lose what you had won." I hate the idea of never holding you, never feeling the magic that dances between us, but at the same time; the longer I hold on for dear life the longer I am missing out on a chance to be loved fully. You hurt me. Not in the past tense, but in the present. Each time we speak, you hurt me. You blow off half the things I say, when you used to answer each detail of my messages and jump at the opportunity to speak with me. When I went away for Xmas, and it was only a week, you skyped me for four hours and called and texted me constantly. Now you are in another country and I haven't had one conversation with you. I know someone in Australia who is WORKING and is constantly messaging me on whatsapp. These little things hurt me. You don't make me feel important or special and everytime I talk to you, I keep wondering what I did? Why all of a sudden when I am real with you and we shared so much why now you can't love me? I feel insecure and hurt when we talk. If you can even call it talking, its more of a monologue and sometimes a response. IT's not going to get better when you come home, it will probably get worse... YOu will get back to school in study mode, no time. I'll be more hurt about what happened and have no sense of trust in you at all. It will hurt more than this every day, and this risk isn't worht the reward. There is someone out there who will wake up thinking about me, just like I do with oyu right now, who will be romantic and loving towards me and I will be his world just like he is mine. I just have to give you up to get it. I almost wish you never messaged me, it was selfish. Nothing is different and all it's doing is hurting me. That's okay with you, as long as you are happy. I guess you weren't as much of a "good guy" as I once thought. Selfish just like my ex. I need to be strong and rid you of my system. This isn't worth the pain anymore dimitri. You lost me.

Last night I told you exactly how I felt and according to whatsapp you haven't seen it yet. I really don't think you will say much if anything, because you don't care and to you I'm probably making a fuss about nothing. You will forget I said anything maybe be slightly annoyed that your back up girl is gone and then continue with your euro trip. I'm so angry for letting you swing me back in so easily, you barely said anything and I jumped at the opportunity. Just for a chance. Now you aren't being nice to me at all. I'm tired of beindisappointed and sick and tired

Each day gets worse.. Now we have started communicating through what's app. I wish we hadn't because now I can see when u were on and not talking to me. I don't trust you so much that I keep envisioning you with someone else on your trip or texting some girl on what's app. It's painful and unfair. You aren't acting at all like you care or want me and it's confusing and disgusting. I don't want to talk to you anymore because it only hurts me. You are so indifferent, I feel idiotic sending a message that I don't want to speak because you won't understand why I am upset. I don't think you care about who this is affecting me, it's all about you. Distance shows the truth, and I guess that is that I'm a game for you. A matter of convenience . I'm not sure what the truth is, but this is too painful. I keep wishing on my prayers and stars that god will show you how to make this better, but you aren't. I'm tired of waiting for you to be who you were. I believe you are this new person now and honestly I don't like him. He's cold and abrasive , you used to be so warm and loving. I never doubted you and you were my strength , my world, my love. Now I just feel confusion. One word answers to appease my concerns, not genuine understanding or empathy for what you put me through. What you made me and still make me feel. Maybe the whole thing was just an impulse. You aren't even acting like you like me, no flirting , no loving messages at all. It hurts me so much both to stay like this and to let go, but there's nothing I can do. The more I take the punches, the more self respect I lose. Don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore? You lost the love I loved the most. I need to be happy and healthy, I deserve that, and constantly feeling betrayed and stupid for wanting this doesnt as won't make me happy. You can't change by me asking, you'd have to want to and clearly you like this new douche you have become. I don't know if there's someone else or if you are still unsure. Either way, that's not my burden to bear. I don't wanna talk to you on this trip and be on eggshells wondering who will text me today, old or new dimitri, if you will text me or if you are texting someone else. I'm washing my hands of all of it. You know how I feel and I'm not taking these jabs. I've taken enough. Right before my surgery, after surgery, again after results, again before you leave and I'm done with them now. I am only taking in 100%, 100% of you being a boyfriend figure and being sweet and earning trust. This half assed **** is not okay. Have a good trip. If you wanna make this work when u get back, you have a bunch of making up to do, and then I can decide. Bc I'm no longer sure who you are.

I'm upset with you today and I feel like a fool... I was alright .. I was semi alright at least and then you tell me you want to make things work. But the truth is that message didn't say you loved me, you didn't explain your feelings, how convenient to bring it up when u are on a plane to Europe and can't talk about it. All of a sudden there's hope for me, for us. Then you respond to one of my concerns and say u will fight for me, for us and make it work. I tell you part of me isn't sure you will feel the same when you get back. You tell me you think you will. Think?!? My heart drops.. Why do I always believe you? Despite your breadcrumbs and unwillingness to make me feel better. Then I say you should know, you say you do that I make you question things . Then I tell you something about not being w other women or I don't want to speak w you and you don't answer. I hate not understanding how you feel but even more that I care. If you loved me, you'd make it known and that I was the only important woman. But u don't. That's not okay. I've already lost you and I don't deserve the pain of being lead on and rejected again. I have to stick up for myself. I'm starting to think the best thing is to just stop talking to you. If you can't even give me a nice long message w your feelings and reassurance nothing has changed. And it doesn't feeling it has, this is the new cold dimitri that I really don't want to be with. I deserve more, even if you cnt see it. I'm tired of breaking the glass and stepping in it. Again and again for you. Do you enjoy watching me bleed? I'm embarrassed for being such a fool. I need so much more from you but instead of expecting and waiting for it, I'm going to let it go and see what you do. This isn't my mess, it's yours *******. If you need some other European skank you are just the man I hoped you weren't. I don't know you. I just miss my old boyfriend, if he Isn't here you can **** yourself

I can't stop thinking of you and wondering what you are doing.. Did you see my messages? Y can't u email me? Do you love me? Do you care? I can't believe you are going to be gone possibly a month and you spring this on me before you leave. So vague no time for a conversation, nothing. "I'm reaching for the phone to call at 7:03 on your machine I slur a speech for you to come home but I know it's too late. I should've given you a reason to stay". I miss home. I wanna go home so badly. Back where there are real trees, my roots, my home. Away from whatever has happened to me here. I don't understand you. I don't understand me. "I'm living alone , I'm living alone I don't need you anymore". I hate that your face is flashing in my mind and moments we shared. I can't stop these memories and thoughts and feelings and I don't know what you want what you feel what am I doing? All of a sudden, I am stuck again. And I wonder if you knew that, if you knew by telling me that I wouldn't be able to be happy with anyone else. So you could have me on reserve until you return. When are you returning?? Who are you with? What are you doing? Why couldn't you tell me more or say you loved me/elaborate on your feelings. Am I the only one in love? Maybe. This isn't alright. This isn't how you act when you love someone. If I keep creating a story you never wrote, I'll continue to be alone. What's real is that you left, you didn't show up at my door, you didn't leave me flowers, you didn't even say you loved me.you didn't make a commitment to me and you don't answer my messages. I dot know what that means, I do but I don't want it to be true so I invent excuses. The big truth is, I'm not over you. But maybe I should start reading the truth instead of letting you tell me what I want to hear. This wasn't fair. You looked me in the eyes at least 3 times and told me not in so many words that you didn't want to be with me. Sometimes directly. Now to just say you want to make it work requires an explanation. I need to be prepared and expect you will come back forgetting you said anything, forgetting me and remembering your European fling. I can't mean that much to you if you can't say you love me after so long. You can't apologize for how much you hurt me. Tell me that something made you realize what you had, but no you didn't. You didn't really say anything different. The truth is, this is how you broke my heart the last time.. When I told you I was upset and fought for you and you said "I don't want to lose you and I want to try". That you still had feelings then 3 days later all of a sudden I wasn't enough and you didn't know. So this is the same thing, and if I give in, I'll be left much worse because I will have waited a month for you. For what? It's not fair how much I love you and how you don't love me back but you keep showing me how you might feel 1/100th of what I do , it makes me upset. Upset that I can't inspire you to love. Maybe I should forget. I can't love enough for both of us. If you loved mbe, you wouldn't be so happy in a country full of and surrounded by love without me

I miss you. I wish we could talk. love you

I feel odd, part of me is happy and excited at the new hope of us together, but part of me is weary and scared. I used to trust you and you are the first and only guy that instantly made me trust you and believe you were such a genuinely good person.but after everything that's happened I can't just forget it, I can't forget you said "I might want to be with someone else in the future" "i want to explore my options I owe that to myself" those statements knocked me into the ground and beat down my self confidence and trust in you. You made me feel undeserving of your love. Now all of a sudden you want to make things work.. How do I know you aren't going to meet a hot girl on your trip and all of a sudden change your mind. How do I know you mean this? I don't and can't possibly know that. Missing you and continuing to love you while you galavant around Europe single and not speaking to me is stupid. But what am i supposed to do? I keep telling myself just put him out of your mind until he comes back and you talk, but I don't even know how long your trip is. It might be a month, I know it's at least 2 weeks Because you made me feel so undeserving of love and I was pleasing you so much I am afraid to stand up for my needs . But if this is ever going to work, I have to. And I'm afraid you won't meet them. When we were together you took me out often and we had many emotional moments, but since the switch I'll call it, all we've done is "hang out" and while that's nice, I want to be appreciated . I hate that I miss you and love you And would do anything for you.. At this point I need that in return, or I can't do any of this. I don't know that I'll get that and I don't know what to do in the meantime

I should be happy , this is what I have been praying for, this is all I wanted. You texted me, Jennifer, I'm sorry for texting you now but I've been thinking about you a lot. Bull**** excuses about not texting back to my goodbye bc of your classes ending Friday and that it would just hurt me more..( Which was probably true) then tell me you spent the weekend watching movies and thinking about what I said, that you couldn't leave without telling me you had feelings for me still and that you wanted to see me when you got home w the intent of "making things work" that u hope I feel the same and you miss us.. It wasn't enough, I'm hurt and I have trust issues with everything you say... You told me once you had feelings for me, twice , in fact right before my surgery and in the next breath you told me "I might want to be with someone else" which is y you couldn't date me.. So you saying it now could mean nothing at all. Also, for you to say" with the intent of making it work", is vague.. That doesn't say I want to be with you. It says trying. I guess it's a step, but I feel like I deserve more. After all I went through, after having the man I love tell me he wanted other women and make me feel like I wasn't good enough for him hours before my surgery. Make me sick to my stomach and uncomfortable after surgery bc I feel like you are texting other women, then to hit me with such a vague unemotional text isn't fair. I at least deserved a "I only want you. I'm sorry if I made you feel undeserving of love and that I was such an ******* to you". You don't realize what you did. I don't know what you are thinking.. Maybe I am a back up. Maybe this other girl fell through. All I know is I should probably carry on as if I am moovng on because you didn't say you loved me and you didn't say you want me to be yours. I wish you would have shown up at my door w flowers or something. Or a letter or a card or something more in the message. I feel like I'm just another back up girl waiting for the guy to notice her and think she's great. You said you think I'm amazing, but you aren't treating me that way.

I will never see you again U are either on a plane now or in an airport and I hate that you are so stubborn. Once someone is out of your life that's it, even though it's yourfault, even if u miss me or think or me you won't fight. I will never hear from you again. You left today, u will be on your euro trip for at Least a mo and by the time u return you won't know my name. Despite you beig less than 3 miles in my vicinity when you return, I will never see you. I hate u for making me love you and believe in you. For showing me everything I wanted and ripping it from under my nose. I hate that I want you because you don't deserve it.

I miss you I miss the way we held each other and kissed and bonded. Our bond, your eyes, your hair, looking at you. Feeling your touch. Ugh

I want u to reach out before you leave. I wish u would just come back and tell me u want this and u shouldn't have let me go that u don't wanna lose me. Love and miss u.

Tonight is odd, I keep missing you but Shawn gave me a good point, why am I concerned w your happiness? Mine doesn't matter to you and the only way I will move forward is if I focus on my happiness not yours, when you love someone you become selfless and think only about that other person but you have basically died in my life so I need to start thinking about myself so I can focus . This is going to be hard.

Today I am destroyed. Last night I made the mistake of thinking if I went out with someone new, I could be hopeful about a future without you.. The date wasn't bad, but it wasn't amazing, it didn't make me excited for a new future it just made me long for the past and mourn it more. If one person could give enough love for 2 people I certainly could. Unfortunately , I can't love enough to make you want me My heart keeps rebreaking instead of healing it's just open w salt waiting to be poured with each new milestone without you. I know contacting you makes no sense at all, might as well dump an entire container of salt and light it on fire if I was going to do that, but I'm disappointed. I have no right to be disappointed bc I shouldn't have expectation anymore, but the last few nights I have been praying for god to fill your heart with love, to know that I still love you and that you need to fight for us before you leave in 2 days.. However, of course nothing has happened and I think the most painful part is, you are probably forgetting me or have forgotten about my existence already Life can be so cruel, one person pines while the other moves on as if nothing ever happened. It completely invalidates the person who is hurting and adds another complexity to the already complex and messed up situation. I keep thinking about what you will be like when you go out with someone new, even though part of me has inklings that you already have and that's why you didn't want me.. If you haven't, I keep thinking about how you will be in bed with her stroking her cheek and holding her the way you held me, giving her love that you didn't give to me in the end.. Giving someone else everything I wanted and feeling complete while I continue to break with every person that isn't you. Because you and us were what I wanted, it wasn't enough for you. I am at a stand still and I'm unsure how to stop this from bleeding out/ getting worse. How is time supposed to make it better when it's getting worse? I wish my heart could stop loving you and forget all the memories that keep playing like a movie in my head while you create happy memories with someone new I hate feeling like this.. I want to be okay and I don't know how because I can't control this feeling. That's also one of the worst parts while I can't stop loving you, you couldn't start. Why is the universe punishing me?

I missed you a lot today, I was okay until I went to the gym and after releasing all of the energy I felt the emotions come flooding Ito me. I know it's over and it's hurting me that you fell out of love w me, that you wanted something else.. That it was okay to waste my time and my emotions and I wasn't right for you, but that I wanted you. Even after exploring other options, people who seemed more right for me , I wanted you. No matter what happens to me from here on out, the feelings I had for you will never be the same with anyone else Why couldn't you see that? Why wasn't that important to you? I thought you were my puzzle piece. The way I felt so perfectly right around you in every instance grandiose or trivial .. I will never feel that again. It's all your fault and there's nothing I can do. That's the hardest part. It doesn't matter how I long for you, how my heart breaks, how much I pray. I wonder what you are doing.. I see so many silver bmws now and think it's you, but it never is. You are so close to me, under 3 miles yet an eternity away. I wonder if you are with someone else, if you can't wait Togo away or if I am crossing your mind. I don't understand your feelings, how you could be so in love with me to over me to crying and saying u love me but u might want to be with someone else in the future.. I don't understand the gray scale I miss you and I'm upset that I still love you because it's useless . Loving someone who can't be with you is negative work.

Today I am dealing with the permanence of this situation. I keep thinking about when you come back from vacation, that I will have an urge to see you, as if time will somehow bring you closer instead of what it will do which is being you farther away from me. I want to move on, but I am struggling with the forever letting go concept. I know I will find someone better when I am ready and I will forget you, just as anton forgot me when he was once wrapped up in me. Time heals all wounds, the problem is reluctance to acceptance. If you don't want to heal or move on, you won't. Just like when I was a silly girl and took 3 years to get over a guy that I allowed to waltz in and out of my life after the breakup with cliches like "you never know what can happen in the future". I want to make sure this doesn't happen w u and I can move on permanently through this process. I hope my date on Monday makes me hopeful for the future, even if he ends up not beig what I am looking for, at least offer me some excitement about my new future instead of the melancholy your ghost brings it. I want to get to a point where I truly want happiness for you. Right now I still want you to miss me and come back, but I know a distinctive character of class is being able to wish you well and mean it, without me. That is what I hope to happen with time, because even though I can't stomach it now I do have a desire for you to be happy.

Today is still difficult. I am upset that you aren't coming back and at least at the moment feel level headed that it's not going to happen and it's okay. I want to be with the man I can end up with and that can't be you. I am disappointed and depressed, but I'm sick of having to control my thoughts and be upset with you. I've been upset with you for mos, even when we were "trying" I was deeply hopeful but always waiting for the other ball to drop and when it did it broke me. I have come to terms with the fact that even if we were speaking, I wouldn't have the option to have you no matter what. You can't make anyone love you, if they don't they will never fight and if they do, all they will do is fight for you. Despite you telling me you loved me, I need to understand the love you have for me is much different than the love I have and hopefully will not have soon for you. I want to be free and independent. there's no use looking back for someone that isn't there and doesn't want to be there. When you get married one of the vows is, " in sickness and in health", you were there in sickness, but you stopped loving me. That's not okay, I don't want to forgive that. Especially for someone who still can't love me even after me forcing myself down your throat and to be perfect yet it wasn't enough. I am unsure what you want and are looking for, but it's not me.

Ever since we spoke about my results everything has gotten worse.. I know that perhaps even though I was moving forward, without the goodbye and the officiality of it all it was easier to move on. Now that I've said goodbye, it's real, and there's no looking back. I erased the spot on my board w a running tally of days I've endured, because now , since the goodbye it's like I've begun again only from a much lower space. As if I should be recording from -5 days down to where I started then onwards. The true new count is 1 day down, this is day 2, but I feel miserable and afraid. You leave next week and there's a large part of me which hopes you will say something before you leave ,despite knowing this wont happen I still hope. I know eventually I have to abandon hope again to move past the past. I guess I feel a need to linger in your memory. Stay there one more day in hopes you are hurting too. I've just finished a book called lunch in Paris and most of what I took from it is the Parisian mindset that personal success is measured by happiness and family instead of wealth and position. That was the big collision of the minds I thought we shared, this in between space between happiness and striving. With my illness and you seeing me through, it still burns deeply to think it left you not only unaffected, but deflected away from love for me. That now you saw me as one of your patients and a weak figure below you.. Which you loved less than the strong minded, hard exoskeleton packed with useless wisdom about life.. Yes, all of these things I used to value more than my insides, but now I look at happiness on a lens from within, not outside. I thought we shared this, and to be proven wrong in a a place where I believed from the depths of me you saw me, you got it and you valued it was heartbreaking. Maybe I'm not heartbroken over "you", rather, the figmented convoluted figure I saw before me is causing the heartbreak. Seeing that figment metamorphosize in front of my eyes and shred it's depth to a thin layer of epidermis that only cares about the surface protein bonds shook me. Now I am afraid, afraid to need someone for the fear that I will be wrong again. That the mask will be unveiled to another man more concerned with butterflies and movie romance than the thoughts, values, and ideas in our minds and souls. Before this goodbye, I was beginning to move forward, talking to this man I met a while ago, Michael, and planning a new date with Anthony. Both of these men are many things you are not, established (yes u are in med school but you still have years to go), seasoned and cultured, mature, responsible, and experienced. They know how to court a woman and won't need to be taught like you, when asked what they want answers like family and marriage arise not girlfriend and to do well in school. This helps me to feel like I am more suited to someone else, someone who can understand my lens and have a meaningful interpretation of what that life would be like. I am realizing I probably am longing more for an idea of the couple we could be, not the one we were. Also, in the past 2 months, you didn't treat me like a girlfriend, that wouldn't change. It's more a hope that was broken, a dream that was crushed. You and I against the world.. Best friends and lovers. This is shattered and I'm dealing with the halves that were mine. In reality, all of the pieces are probably mine because you were never a part of this dream. I stand alone.

I'm in lots of pain physically, tonsillitis and my first period after the leep it hurts so badly I keep crying . I'm emotional because of my period and I miss u.. I am wondering if my goodbye hurt you, if it made you upset that it was through text.. It just seemed unfitting to call you.. After all if I didn't say goodbye you would have just disappeared . I want you to hold me and kiss me. I'm sad u can't be here. Texting you this would be pointless and if u cared you would have fought for me at least once and u never did. If I texted u , and u came, I'd just have to say goodbye again bc you don't want me in your life and I need to accept it.. I just want it so badly I can convince myself you do too. Even though that's not true. I hate u for making me love u so much, and for making me need you when you could care less about my heart