find sanity

On Friday after 40 days of no contact, I broke contact by texting to see if he and his family were ok with the latest natural disaster threat were we live. I feel foolish and regret it. His response was not kind. So i just said checking on family, if bothers him won't do it again. I knew better, I did. But my concern for him and his family took precedence. Won't do it again for sure. I realize too that he is still angry. He doesn't have a reason or right to have been mad in the first place and to realize he still is angry just pisses me off. I was told that it is the behavior of an alcoholic how they tend to hold on to something be it real or not but in their minds it is, and just stay angry about it. Lesson learned and not to be repeated. Today is first day back on NC. Here we go although it is easier. I think easier cause I am mad but if thats what it takes so be it. As a side note, in my text to him I sent him my new phone # incase he or his family needed help. Big regret. As stated before, I changed # cause it was too painful to sit and wait for a call or text that I knew would never come. In this case I hope his anger is long cause I now know he wont call or text. Here's to day 2 of NC

Just came upon this "NC Challenge" started in 2007. What an awesome idea. Thanks for starting it and for all the peeps that have posted. I read the first 5 post page and am looking forward to reading the rest. For me it has been exactly 35 days of complete NC. No txt, call-nothing. He doesn't have a facebook or knows how to email on computer so good for me. Still feeling the pain and sadness, the loneliness, the doubts, the what ifs, the what could have been or should have been. Still all of that but not as intense or last for so long. My struggle is the fantasies. The what would happen or take place if certain scenarios played out? Yes all in my head and I know it is damaging to my psyche but sometimes it seems to take on a life all by itself LOL. What has helped me emmensly was changing my number. I know some of you know how agonizing and an anguish it is to hope and pray for a txt or call that you know will never come so I changed my number for my healing for my moving forward. When I was in day 2 or even in day 14 I really did not know how I was going to make it thru another day or even that I wanted to but as others have posted it does get easier if not manageable. People have also said go out with friends, find a hobby, go to a gym. Well I don't like to be around others especially when I am sad or depressed. It is just the way I am and make no apologize for it. I don't really have a set hobby, i think its my sign. LOL., motivation to the gym is not one of my priorities but it should be, LOL about that one too. Over the course of a month I have removed all things in my home that reminds me of him. Not to be mean, just to move on. So ENA friends, heres to today, tomorrow and more....

I miss you today still. It is getting easier. I wonder as time goes on for me and the healing is stronger and better, when that day comes that you come and look for me and want to talk, figure out, get back together; it will be to late because you waited to long because you were to stubborn for your own good. A feeling I have had since the day you left that it isn't over yet. When you walked out on me 3 other times and each time I prayed and asked God if you would come back it was always yes and you did, you came back and we worked it out and went about our life. This time I did the asking for you to leave and you agreed. My request was due to your demented thinking due to your alcoholism and so wrapped up on grasping on to one thing and no matter how much proof, evidence or truth there was you just refused to believe nothing else but your demented beliefs. Because of this, I asked you to leave because you said you couldn't trust me anymore. Even I know you shouldn't stay with someone you didn't trust, but your mistrust was for a broken piece of hardware that was thrown away. A "broken" piece of hardware and you come back with not being able to trust me hence not being able to trust me around your things? How pathetic and yet I hurt, I cry, I feel guilt, I blame me. Now time is marching on, the tears are less, the smiles are more frequent. It just does not and has never felt final, there didn't seem to be a finality to this. I wonder if it is my wishful thinking but even as 6 weeks since I last saw you, it isn't wishful thinking. There was no finality to it.... Be it 6 months or 6 years I know I will hear from you again. I know this and we will see...

I am feeling very lonely today. I miss you and wonder if you miss me too. I want to txt, I want to call, I want to come to you but I know it would not do any good. Your health is failing because of your drinking. I use to be so proud that you were so honest with your problem anouncing and admitting to anyone who wanted to know that you are an alcoholic. But not once did you say I am an alcoholic and I need help to stop. I find thru the websites and literture that I have read on alcoholism that the alcoholic not only admits he has a problem but admits he needs help. That is one reason we are not together. I just could not do it anymore. I couldn't do the constant blaming, the not looking for a job, the laying around in filth all day, the caring about the cats than you did me. I love you and our last conversation I said I would wait, wait for you to get help. Wait for you to see that we can be more important than the booze. Today I am feeling that is wishful thinking. But how I miss you...how I love you, how I want to be with you, how I want our family back. Dear God, help me to get thru today....

After 2 weeks of NC I was surviving. You came back to pack the rest of your things and 1/2 of the cats to send to your home a few days ago. Due to weather it took 2 days. I was happy to see you. The 1st night we slept in the same bed just holding each other till we fell asleep. You have been drinking since you got here and did not let up till your eyes shut with sleep. Woke up the next morning and went to work. You were awaiting your mothers arrival so she could help with putting your vehicle on the barge because you do not have a license. She came in. Always had a great relationship with her and still do. We both knew this was for the best and we knew it was hard for me, him and her too. She knows of her sons alcohol problem and has tried to help. He is almost 40. He just does not see that most if not all his problems stem from his drinking. It has always been everyone elses fault. I was the target for the last 3 years. We briefly spoke of the split and his response was you asked me to leave. I pointed out to him, yes I did after he said he did not trust me and did not feel that his things (tools) were safe around me. I threw away a broken turkey holder from a deep fryer that had holes and ruined and because of this he did not trust me. I have read that alcoholics tend to make a mountain out of a mole hill. when i threw the holder away I did not know it would affect him so much. I sincerly aplogized a few times. It was not good enough. So I asked him would he stay with someone he did not trust and he said no, hence our split. Our last night and day together was wonderful and painful. I cried off and on throughout the day while I helped them get everything on the barge and get them along with the cats to the plane. When we got to the airport and said our goodbye's even his mom was crying and hurting. That surprised me somewhat but I know she has always felt that I have been the best thing that has ever happened to him since he was 16. Upon my last kiss and hug to him I asked him to please get some help with his drinking. His response was "it is too late for me". I told him I would wait if he gets some help. He told me maybe, we will see. He also kept on saying everything will be ok. I asked him what he meant everything will be ok, he did not know. I think that was a clear indication he has no plans of getting help. We said our last goodbye. I txt him a day later too see how the cats did at their new home and the plane ride. he responded a day later with a they are adjusting. have not txt again since. will not txt again. Understand and need the NC for my sanity if anything else. I miss, I hurt, I see all possibilities that could have been, that was and that may never be. He is a good person. Has always been honest of his alcoholism just has never tried to get help since we have been together. Oh well, it is what it is.....I will heal, I will heal alone but i will heal. Take it a day at a time if not an hour at a time sometimes....

this morning was the first time i cried since the breakup. Did not want to get emotional prior due to being afraid of losing complete control. have been reading other post in other areas and have gotten some good advice. still it does not negate the pain i feel. you said you loved me but you love your alcohol more. you did nothing well we lived together. could not hold a job, drank from early and i mean early morning till late evening. the last few months you have gotten irritated with me for reasons i don't understand. yet you move back with momma, you work in the yard, you drink less. why couldn't you do it here at our home? why couldn't you go and get a job to keep you occuppied? so much why's and no answers in sight. just pain, loneliness, self doubt.... time.

very well said and I wish you well. I too wish my ex was feeling the same pain as I am for if he did than the relationship was not in vain.. Having to compete with an addiction is one thing but having to deal with the pain, sorrow and loss seems almost unbearable. You want to wish them well for yourself too but I wish him well with me not without me....time heals they say, i wish i could wake up when it is healed...

OMG awesome, thank you for starting this although it seems I'm late in the game LOL...again. So much I want to say and scream but bottom line I wish the hurt would go away and my sanity would return. The loneliness and insecurity is unbearable at times not to mention the work and effort it takes from not breaking down. He is a good man-really, he has a great heart just the drinking thats the problem or is it really? i dont know i am just confused by my emotions and the pain. but thanks for having this to vent and express....