let_it_be

I miss you. Why won't you give us another shot? We've both changed and grown up, I think we'd actually be pretty great together now. I don't even know why I still think these thoughts when you have been so mean to me post-break up for SO LONG.

I haven't been on ENA in several days because, well frankly, I've been too embarrassed to. After going about a week of NC, I think my ex kind of freaked out he wasn't hearing from me. Since then, he has called me every single day to just talk. And I have answered every call. I know, I know, I'm getting NOTHING out of this. I don't know what I'm even doing. Every talk we've had has been good, we've joked and laughed and he asked me to come visit him at school. That just makes it 100x harder to stop talking to him. This sucks.

Back to Day 1 for me too... I was doing so well.. but I suddenly got a facebook chat message from my ex. He is hardly even on facebook, and NEVER on the chat so I was completely taken aback. He just asked how I was doing. I debated replying for a while, but then ended up answering. I regretted it right away so about 2 minutes into the convo I told him I had to go and left the convo. He must have been really surprised that I left the conversation so quickly (normally I am always so happy to be talking to him) because he drunk texted me later in the night. After a few text exchanges, he called me, and asked when I'm going to come visit him at his school and continued to have a nice, lighthearted conversation. I don't really know what to think from all this. He was drunk so I don't know whether to take his visiting comment seriously. And even if he does want me to visit, I'm sure it doesn't mean much else. Hm, well, I'm going to try this NC thing again.. talking to him just confuses me. Having a good talk with him doesn't even make me feel that great anyway.

I don't even know what I want to say to you. We've already talked about everything meaningful and now we're both doing our own thing, I guess. But for some reason, today, I really want to talk to you.. just to get that feeling of us being close again.

Day 6 The last few days have been pretty good for me. I have been so busy, I haven't had enough time to really focus on the ex. Today, however, has been extremely hard. Most say that the longer you go NC, the easier it gets, but I feel the longer it goes without communication the sadder I get and feel a desire to contact him. And it's only been 6 days! I don't think it helped that I happened to see him post a comment on one of his (and my) friend's facebook wall about going out to party tonight. Ugh.

Day 3 (well today is really just beginning) Yesterday was a struggle, and I can already feel today being one too. My ex is leaving for school today (any minute now actually) and I really want to text him bye or good luck or, in yesterday's case, ask for a chance to see him just one more time. Luckily, yesterday, I realised that would do me absolutely no good except for make me look like a desperate fool considering we already said our goodbyes a few days ago.. Now that he is leaving for school and I'll be leaving for mine soon, and we'll be hundreds of miles away from each other, it really makes me feel like this is the END. We'll both have our separate lives and I don't even know if I'll see him again.. I don't know how I feel about that yet. A bit sad and scared, I suppose.

Day ONE I am finally ready to begin this challenge for real. A part of me wants to do NC to make him notice and maybe even miss me... but I know that ultimately this is for ME and I really do want to move on and just not give a crap about him or what he is doing anymore. Anyway, hope everyone in this challenge is doing well and I'll keep updating on how I'm doing.