Igelchen
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Everything posted by Igelchen
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I don't know why they think they can just chuck us away and forget we're people, not disposable tissues
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day 4. I haven't heard from my ex for a while. Maybe she's given up contacting me this time. My brother and his wife came over last night for dinner and he brought some of his new music with him. My first date with my ex was at one of his gigs, one of the best nights I ever had, and we bonded over his music. She listened to it non-stop in the first months of the relationship. I emailed one of the new songs, about dealing with a break-up, to her this morning. I hate happy couples on TV. I want that. Why can't I have that? I still have a plane ticket to her place booked for the 19th. I can't cancel it. I still think about going and surprising her. She said she'd hide from me if she knew I was going. So I'd just turn up at her door... No good can come of this.
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Day 3. Miserable. Bored. Stuck at home watching reruns of Time Team in my pyjamas. All my friends are still at university for another month or two, and I live in the middle of nowhere an hour from any kind of entertainment. I'd thought maybe I could start driving lessons again once home, but I'm not allowed to drive on my medication. Being home is still better than being back in college, where I was just staying in bed all day anyway and getting smelly. My friends there were all busy with exams. Here people will make me eat. And wash occasionally. But I hate it. My life is just so sh*te now. I'm ashamed that I couldn't handle the breakup, ashamed that I had to quit college, guilty, bored, and depressed. Still waiting for my ex to call. Twice I've drafted emails to her threatening to kill myself if I can't get her back, before deciding that such threats are totally not the answer. What kind of relationship could be based on that, even if it worked? And what have I become, that I even considered that?? I used to be normal..
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Day 2. Still wondering if she'll call but I sent a pretty desperate and in parts nasty email after I spoke to her the other night. Yesterday the doc called my tutor to tell her there's no way I'm in a fit state to sit exams, so that got that finally out of the way. He also sent a pair of nurses to come and assess how likely I am to try and harm myself. Today my parents picked me up again and took me home. I'm quiet. They've fed me - I hadn't eaten anything since half a sandwich my friend made me buy on Wednesday. It still hurts every time I remember her, and us, and the things we did. And I don't know if I want to live on without her. I just want to go back to the way things were. It's more evident with every day that there's no way to get her back. At the same time, I don't think I'm a danger to myself. I haven't the guts. And tomorrow I might feel better.
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Day 1. Again. That didn't last long. She called, I picked up. Today, I found myself thinking seriously about suicide. "I don't feel like living any more without her." I have an appointment with my doctor in two and a half hours. I'm not normal. Not even for me.
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Ok. No more LC. She had nothing she wanted to tell me. She doesn't want to talk to me any more (so much for "I've enjoyed talking to you again") and I'm pissed off. Full on No Contact starts here. Let the healing begin. Doesn't mean I don't still want her back. Doesn't mean I'm not still totally f*d up and crying over the memories. Just means there's no good in talking to her any more.
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day 1 (again) I write my diary daily on the computer, and when the file gets too big, I send it off on the internet to have it printed and bound as a book. My life has been very eventful the last year, so this has happened with greater than usual frequency. Volume Four covers late December to a couple of weeks after the break-up, and arrived this morning. I was already feeling miserable - reading it has only made me worse. She really opened herself up to me - I knew her so well - how could such a good thing come to an end? Will she ever realise that she's made a mistake? My sister thanked me this weekend for the book I got her for Christmas. My ex chose it for me, as something my sis would love, when I was struggling to find a present. Another thing to remind me. I hope she calls tonight. I need to talk to her.
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However her reaction to this was NOT as expected. She's evidently mad at me for not being available and so has decided she's not available to call me the next two days. Yeh, right. She's daring me to be bothered by her carefree unavailability. Fishing to find out whether I really have been unconcerned at the lack of contact, and am really "fine" as I told her, or if I'm playing a game. Playing a game, of course. That's her professed idea of how relationships work - * * * * ing with people's heads. Which means that yes, I AM bloody bothered by her professed unavailability (what, she can't find three free minutes to drop me a line? Sure. Whatever.) But I can't let on... My only hope is to remain unaffected. Though at some point it may be necessary to reveal that far from being fine, her unexpected departure has * * * * ed my exams, sent me home and got me drugged up on fluoxetine. And I wish I could edit my posts so I could just add this to my last one instead of creating five times the number of posts as before. Not really sure this is relevent to the no contact thread any more.
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Tomorrow will be day 1 again, as carrying out the Perfect Plan Mach II has required me to become less available, but not completely unavailable. I've pushed it to its limits this week to push my point home, but I've just realised why becoming slowly less available is essential. Otherwise it's just LC. And she'll get used to not hearing from me often. She called again, twice, and seemed concerned, while I was out at lunch. That's pretty much the reaction I expected. So I fired off the following:
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Day 8.... mein gott. I don't plan on being around much today, though only since I'm going for lunch with my grandparents. Nonetheless, it worries me that having said she'd try me again later, my ex didn't call yesterday at all. I mean, that ought really to kill any hopes of mine that she's about to announce regrets, oughtn't it? But it hasn't. Mind you - if she had regrets so soon, I'd have to tell her it's too soon and warn her that I really haven't changed much; that my mates would kill me if I took her back; and that the way she hurt me and betrayed my trust I'd be ill advised to do so. Then give it a couple of days to think about. But I already know my answer. Why else would I be fantasizing about this at any little excuse from her? Dreamed about her again last night.
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Day 7. End of. She didn't call. I don't care because I went out and saw a play and had a drink. New love Interest No. 1 wasn't there, as she had work. I was mildly disappointed but perhaps for the best as she ignored my message asking if she'd be there tonight and my last friendly hello. Despite kissing me and getting my hopes up last time we met. Ah well. Tomorrow I will care again, because I'm not going out in the evening, and it will have been two days since she first called, and it was the day I'd decided to answer her on. But I guess there's no harm in leaving it a few more days, since she hasn't condescended to call me at all today. There is some grief to be had in the fact that I'm just not urgent for her. I'll make an effort to appear online all of tomorrow. I have to ignore her until she shows signs of anger or confusion. I have my alibi to calm her... but I need to see her reaction. It's the only way.
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Sucks, doesn't it. I keep asking myself this question. ](*,)
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Day 7. My feelings of relief were slightly tempered yesterday, after she didn't try to call me again in the evening as I'd expected. This morning I was up bright and early, my computer on, to give her every opportunity. OF course the speakers are muted and there's no way I'm picking up yet if she does... but I'm curious to see how persistently and for how long she keeps trying - and what her reaction to my sudden unavailability is. Will she get worried and contact me another way to see if I'm ok, and why I'm ignoring her? Will she just say "F you" and not try any more? We shall see. In the meantime, my parents say they're worried I seem to be thinking about little else ("obsessed" is a very loaded term... I know where lie the boundaries of acceptable, non crazy behaviour) and indeed, I'm trying to analyse her words and fathom precisely what kinds of things she could want to tell me. I don't buy into the idea that she has nothing to tell me. "I was seeing this guy before I dumped you"? "I actually cheated on you several times when we were together"? "I'm pregnant."? "I have herpes"? The first two aren't really the kind of things I can see her thinking she 'ought' to tell me (how would they help?), the latter two just unlikely. "I miss you"? "I have regrets"? "I want you back"? No way. Way too early for these three - and she'd have tried a bit harder to get in touch if it was them. I'm looking for more realistic suggestions.
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Day 5 (end of): obviously whatever she wanted to tell me can't be that important, 'cos she didn't try calling me again this evening. Perhaps tomorrow. Maybe she unblocked me, actually, and can see that I'm not appearing online! Who knows? It's all to play for at this point. A * * * * . Don't call him. Good for you. Do see a doc. I put it off a long time, but getting help was the best thing I've done so far.
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Best not, eh?
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Day 6. OH GOD. She just called. And I ignored it. Succesfully. I feel so much better for doing that!! [13:14:37] *** Missed call from [ex]. *** [13:15:47] [ex]: i was just wondering what you're doing and how you are, there're a couple of things i wanted to tell you...i'll call you later again. I won’t pick up. What is there she can possibly have to tell me? If she needs to tell me anything that important she'll have to email me. Besides. I’m a wreck. I can’t let her see me like this. I’m shaking. I’m not fit to talk to her face to face again until it stops making my heart beat fifty miles an hour. My skin is white. My hands are shaking so much I spilled my tea.
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End of day five. She didn't call again. She led me to believe she would call again this week. She has the excuse. I've left college and returned home. It's boring. And I'm still thinking about her. Damning her eyes. I need her to give me the opportunity to ignore her.
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Day 5. I haven't thought too much about her today because I feel awful. I still resent that she hasn't called me. I tried to go to a supervision this morning but ended up just having a coffee and a chat with my Old English supe. Inevitably my ex and the straw that broke the camel's back came up. She told me that the dumper nearly always claims to have no regrets for the first couple of months. Those come later. I'm beginning to see that there's no justification for my prior belief that she can really be as cold and self-controlled as she's saying she is. I've taken my first prozac and am in negotiations with tutors about providing failsafes against me failing or not taking my exams due to nervous breakdown. Feel immensely guilty now I've made the first steps towards what is essentially cheating my exams by getting an automatic pass. Using illness as an excuse. I should be able to deal with this stuff like a normal person has to. But it isn't as though I've been partying it up; I'm a conscientious student with an excellent record, and this just takes the pressure off. Tired and shivery. More GP appointments and meetings to be scheduled. I go home at 4.30 for a few days' R and R. I'm beginning to hate her for doing this to me.
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23:12, Day 4. She didn't call again. So much for her enjoying talking to me and offering to call and see how I'm getting on with exams. How am I supposed to make No Contact work if she thinks she's the one denying me contact? Not only does it not help me get over her because I'm obsessed over why she hasn't called me, but it doesn't make her miss me
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This'll be me in a few weeks. DON'T. You'll only regret it later.
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I can't see anything of her profile but her friends and profile picture, and I haven't looked at it all that much, just this time. Day 4 update: My depression is way out of hand and my revision as good as failed. My therapist has written a letter to my director of studies and I have an appointment with my tutor. The college chaplain urged me to go and see my GP. GP duly diagnosed me with moderate to severe clinical depression and prescribed antidepressants. Way to ruin my health and tip me over the edge, ex. Everything's collapsed on me... thank goodness for the welfare services.
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Day 4: despite saying she had enjoyed talking to me at the weekend and appearing willing to call me again, she hasn't actually done so. This is just as well, as I've got conflicting instructions from various people as to whether I should ignore said calls or not, and I vary from hour to hour as to my own opinion. I went on facebook (she removed me as a friend about five minutes after dumping me) and found myself stalking her friends list to see if I could spot which ones matched the description she'd given me of her potential New Guy. There were only two I could see: a russian (and she hates russians) and another guy. She'd mentioned he played the guitar - there was the guitar in his profile pic. And he looks like a douche. Unfortunately he also looks cooler than me. Why the hell did I do that? I deliberately told her not to tell me his name precisely so I wouldn't go looking for him... I miss her so badly.
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And this is exactly why I don't think NC will work for me
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Day 3. Went to bed feeling okay-ish but woke up thinking of her all over again. The way she cried when we said goodbye, how upset she was at the thought of never seeing me again... and then how she decided to cause that. This can't be the same person. She must be an actress. I'd do pretty much anything for these last few weeks to have been a dream.
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Day Two. We had some contact Saturday night and Sunday morning. Now I'll go NIC for a while. She hasn't called but she might today. I still kind of hope she does. I keep remembering driving with her in the alps... and our, um, exciting visit to a thermal bath and its changing rooms. I miss her.