Deejmonster

Happy new year everyone! Just another update, thought the last one would be my last...

The wife and I sent out Christmas cards (a little late this year) and a few of them were addressed to relatives or family friends that are still in contact with my parents. I didn't get them out in time for Christmas, but assumed that they would be shipped on 12/26. 

On Friday (12/29) I got an unsolicited and very unexpected call from my mom. I didn't answer as I was in the dentist office. She left me a voicemail. Then sent me a text, then sent me an email, then proceeded to call, leave a voicemail and text my wife in about a 5-min span. Wife didn't answer her either. At first, I thought that maybe something had happened to my dad, but chose not to respond. I played the voicemail and could hear from her tone of voice that she wasn't happy about something, but didn't indicate about what. My wife and I spoke about it and I told her that I didn't feel the need to call her back as I have asked to be left alone and I do not wish to communicate with them anymore. My wife was concerned that maybe something happened in the family and that is when I remembered that Christmas cards probably got delivered and she didn't get one. She is likely angry that I still choose to communicate with neighbors and friends outside of the immediate family and likely would prefer that I stop. (Just my guess).  She chose to be non-descript as a way to lure me out in the case that I thought that something terrible happened but really she just needed a punching bag for "sending Christmas cards"

Like WTH...

Hello all,

My wife and I have been in discussions about create a will for the each of us as we now have a few assets and a child that we need to make sure are properly taken care of in the awful event of an unpredicted demise of either one of us or the both of us. We have already spoken to family about who would take custody of our daughter in the event that we both passed and we  have some basic assets that we need to allocate in the event of our passing. 

We opted to use an online service to create a general will for the both of us but are struggling to get witness's and a notary all in one place to finalize the wills. We were originally against hiring a lawyer for this process as we don't want to take time off of work or pay for it, but we are entertaining the idea, unfortunately. 

My question is, have any of you used a lawyer for a will? and if so, was it a relatively quick process? If you don't mind me asking, what is the going rate to get a will created? and how did you go about finding a lawyer to create said wills.

Any information would be helpful!

On 11/8/2023 at 5:30 AM, ivana24 said:

Hello everyone,

I'm from Croatia and I am 24.

My boyfriend and me are in relationship for about 2 years now but he left in different country for work so we call each other almost every day on  regular phone call or video call. Yesterday I came back from work and I had a terrible headache so I took 2 pills and wanted to have a nap.Usually my nap is for about 2 hours but yesterday I fall asleep at 7 p.m and I overslept until 2 a.m. My boyfriend called me many times, more that 100 ( I counted missed calls ) and he is still mad I would say about it.You will ask why...beacause when I'm at work i put my phone on silent and I forgot to turn it off silent so I wasn't hear a phone ringing at all. He doesn't respond to my messages today and I can understand but because of what? Because I was tired,had a headache and went to sleep. He told me in the messages last night that he thinks something happend to me,or someone maybe attack me or I commit suicide maybe ( because I went through some depression past weeks ) or I went out cheating on him. He told all of that when I was still peacefully sleeping. So please tell me what should I do next? I don't really know, I'm done with all his paranoid thinking,he drives me crazy the whole past week with same ***. Should I break up with him? I know he would not respond to me the whole day today and maybe tomorrow I don't know so I know he wouldn't talk about this. He said he would take a revange on me beacuse of this. Please tell me something usefull,what should I do?

I would run. Take the time to heal and move on while he is away. He sounds very possessive and insecure about the situation and calling a SO 100 times shows the lack of boundaries. A logical person doesn't land on suicide or cheating as the reason why you aren't answering your phone. I would break it off and move on. 

Sorry this happened to you. I think you were totally right to distance yourself from him after he acted disrespectful to you about the money and I think you were right to ask for the money to be repaid. Sounds like he has some personal issues that he isn't disclosing and is lashing out at you as a way to make him feel better. 14 years is a long time and maybe some time and distance will heal the wounds to a point where the both of you can settle this in the future and continue on as friends. Doesn't look good for him though. There was no reason for him to say those things. Money does crazy things to people unfortunately. 

On 11/7/2023 at 4:06 PM, ArdenWinnie said:

I mentioned in my original post… and I know it might be impossible for some people to believe but our relationship was perfect. There was no faults on either side.

I seriously think that you are looking at this through rose colored glasses. If everything in your relationship was perfect and she had no faults, you wouldn't be in this situation. She has admitted to lying and doing drugs behind your back. I think you need to at least admit that the relationship does have its faults and that maybe you are subconsciously overlooking it. From what I can gather, it looks as though she is comfortable with experimenting with recreational narcotics but knows that this is something that you are against, so she chooses to either hide this from you or opts to not partake as to not upset you (which is also a red flag). How old are the both of you?

Just in the way you are informing us on the situation, I think you are overlooking some things that might show that the two of you are not compatible. I am going to go out on a limb and say that it appears as though you may be more emotionally invested that she is and I wouldn't be surprised if her attitude quickly changes after this. She is likely going to tell you that she feels pressured by you to act a certain way and that she feels like you are going to judge her decisions moving forward. I wouldn't be surprised if the relationship starts to spiral. (This may be out of bonds and my unsolicited opinion talking) but I have seen this and been in situations like this before. 

57 minutes ago, Sammm21 said:

Few years ago, my boyfriend gave me a luxury watch for my birthday. I did wear it out and about but now he wants me to wear it purposely to my workplace just to “show it off” to my colleagues. I told him that I can’t as it would seem like an unsuitable place to wear it. Also, I do think that you should maintain a certain professionalism at your workplace.

He said that I wasn’t appreciative of the things that he gave me and he feels that I am abit embarassed about it. He also states that i don’t show it off on my social media unlike other girls who would share it in a heartbeat.

Also, he owns a few luxury cars and he states that he would like to pick me for lunch at my workplace just to show his cars off to my colleagues. We fought about it as I told him not to as this would create some gossip in my workplace.

My boyfriend states that he loves to show off his achievements due to his past childhood. He was bullied due to his poor family background and was always looked down upon by his relatives. He believes that once you are rich, people would look up to you more and everything you said is valid. Which is true in our society and I feel sad about it. I also tell him that i prefer to be more reserved about my things but he doesn’t understand. He said that i should be proud of the things he gave me.

Psa: sorry for the long post. I’m not trying to brag but i would like to seek some advice regarding this as this has always been a topic of argument everytime we brought it up. Thanks ❤️

Your man has some personal issues that are obvious. You don't buy something for someone in order to have them "humble brag" to everyone. He is using material items to elevate his status as a way to feel better about himself. I would never buy something for someone for that reason, its vain. Sounds like the emotional trauma that he went through growing up has given him a warped sense of self worth and he feels like people should love you and respect you for your money and status versus who you actually are as a person. I think you need to evaluate what he brings to the table beyond money. It sounds like he has some deep seeded issues that are manifesting in other behaviors that are not going to solve themselves and will ultimately damage your relationship with him. You two are on different pages in life. 

On 11/5/2023 at 3:30 AM, ArdenWinnie said:

I’ve been in this relationship now about 18 months and I’ve never been happier, everything was perfect.

At the beginning of the relationship I said about my hatred for drugs, any of them. Due to past issues that have happened in my life I am completely against being with someone who takes them, and at the time my partner had said she had done stuff in the past but only every now and then when on nights out and never regularly and doesn’t do it anymore.

about 2-3 months in there was a situation where she was having a laughing fit while we were in bed and I thought nothing of it until about 2-3 months ago when she brought it up and said she had some weed and that’s why she was laughing so much. It wasn’t so much the fact that she had some weed that upset me it was the lie behind it. Anytime drugs had been brought up she would always say ‘I’ve never had anything while I’ve been with you, it was all before’ 

then last weekend she went on a night out with some friends and I was due to pick her up at midnight. It got to midnight and she said make it 2am, it got to 2 and she said make it 5am and called me. I knew instantly when she called me she wasn’t ok, she couldn’t speak and her friend was screaming at her to hold on to her to not fall. I said I would come meet them and o whatever they wanna do and when the nights over take them all home as I was worried she was going to hurt herself by how she sounded

i got to where they were and straight away knew she had taken cocaine, she was licking her lips like mad, didn’t have any idea who I was and then started asking her friends for more cocaine.

driving home I asked her did you have any cocaine tonight and her answer was always ‘no, why would I? I would never, I know you hate it’ no no no no, everytime I asked.

we got home and it continued ‘no I never took cocaine’ until I saw her messaging her friend about the situation and her friend told her she was asking for it infront of me she broke down knowing I already knew and confessed.

the lie to me is what made it worse then her actually taking it. Constantly to my face promising she never took it while I knew she had. Eventually admitting it she said she took it not long after I dropped her off because she was thinking I wouldn’t find out, which if anything made it even worse (I didn’t think it could get worse) and said she didn’t want to admit it to me because she knows how against it I am and didn’t want to upset me.

Now I don’t know what to do, this girl is everything to me and these last 18 months have been perfect. But I just feel that my trust in her has gone. I told her if she had just said yeah she had some it would be a different issue we would work on and get passed but the lying to me has now made me feel it’s impossible to trust her. Tried explaining next time she goes out and then says she didnt take anything how can I trust her ? And she understands.

 

I don’t know what to do. Continue talking it out? But how do I build back that trust? Counselling? I don’t know. I feel stuck. 

any advice please? 

I think that the fact that you live together does complicate some things but you need to be honest with yourself and her about whether you are willing to put up with this type of behavior. I understand your stance on drugs. That is a line that you are not willing to cross and that is ok. Her behavior suggests to me that this isn't the first time that she may have done it behind your back, but rather it's the first time that she got caught. One does not simply start doing cocaine at a party unless they are familiar with it and have done it in the past. You just need to figure out if you really think you two can come back from this and whether you can trust her again, or whether you are going to stick to your values and cut ties with her. From my perspective, drugs are a no-no in relationships. She already admitted to using weed in the past while you were together and now you caught her with cocaine. She will likely continue to slip up in the future if you stick around. 

On 11/6/2023 at 12:17 AM, GreenWatermelon said:

I (24F) love my boyfriend (26M) but we are on different timelines

I have been dating my boyfriend for 2 years now and we are very loving of each other. We are completely honest and supportive of each other, and we rarely fight if ever. It’s like we never had a honeymoon period because we never went downhill.

However recently we’ve been talking more about our life plans. My boyfriend wants to be married and have kids when his 28 (in 2 years) but I am not ready for this. I’m going through some career changes and don’t think I am anywhere close to wanting or having the mental headspace and care at the level that I want to give my child.

I do eventually want to have kids but I don’t know when. My boyfriend says he can wait an extra 1-2 years which I’m very grateful for but I also feel very pressured by this deadline (even in 4 years I would only be 28 and I’m not 100% sure I’ll be ready then). I can also tell this 1-2 year delay is definitely not ideal for him…

I’ve been thinking that if he really wants to hig his 28 yo timeline I probably should stop wasting his time so he can find another partner with more similar views but it pains me because I really do love him. Has anyone been through the same dilemma?

I think that this warrants a serious conversation between the two of you. Maybe ask him why he has a drop dead date in mind for wanting to have children? Like why the pressure? My wife and I were in our early 30's before we had our daughter, and when I was younger, I thought I was ready, but I am so happy that I waited. The additional years allowed me to mature, advance my career, and lay the path to parenthood. I look back and have no regrets in waiting. 

Unfortunately this is the type of discussion that can either cement a relationship or tear it apart, and it is worth having.  To me, I would never put a "date" on having children. It is more that I need to be emotionally, financially and mentally ready to take on that role. If both partners are not on the same page, then it isn't the right time. Maybe it is just a goal of his, but if it is really a loving relationship, he should see your side of things. I think you two need to talk it out to see just how serious it is. Like I said, putting an expiration date on starting a family is kind of a red flag if you both aren't on the same page.

On 11/1/2023 at 8:53 PM, Silly Metal Latina said:

Hi all! I am trying to come up with some quirky or unusual date ideas. My guy took me axe throwing last weekend which was so fun and I want to think of something a little different for this weekend. Any advice or tips would be greatly appreciated!

Do you have a local arcade near you? My wife and I love to play skeeball together. Can't explain why, but it has always been a fun little date that we try and do from time to time. Axe throwing is fun. Its been some time since I last tried it. Escape rooms are also fun, but I would encourage bringing some others as it is a little easier that way.

On 11/3/2023 at 10:49 AM, MrAverageguy17 said:

Hello everyone on this forum. New joiner here. So basically I just started a new job recently and I met a girl there. We were doing one on one coaching together and I developped feelings for her. We would hold hands, touch each other, playfight and have deep conversations about life. We also had multiple conversations about her sexual kinks and what she is into and mine too of course. 

So, she saw that I was falling for her and asked me if I had feelings for her to which I replied yes. She smiled at me and blushed and told me to not do this as she doesn't want to be in a relationship. I reassured her that I'm not pushing for a relationship but for a starter to just get to know her better. She agreed to that and said we'll see. I always brought chocolates etc at work for her. Another coworker made a comment about how we are together which just made her uncomfortable. Later that day, we had a conversation about how we should stop flirting because we give the impression we are together. I agreed to that but asked her if it would be okay if it was done outside of work. 

Long story short, we spoke on facebook and I even had her number. Our conversation would always turn about something sexual. Recently, we had our EOY at our company and I took her for a walk on the beach. We spoke all night and even danced together. I went home after and we texted all night. At the EOY she said she didn't like her butt and that she thought it was kinda flat. I reassured her that it was fine and I loved it to which she blushed. 

So the morning after the EOY party I texted her a good morning message on her phone and I said that this text was from the guy that didn't find her butt flat at all but amazing. She replied some hours later saying that she didn't appreciate that way of talking. I apologised and we spoke on facebook that same day. She told me that every joke has a limit and something in that style. She then started to ghost me on FB and not reply to my messages. Then after going on her profile I saw she unfriended me on FB. I was a bit crushed and later that day I asked her why on microsoft teams. She said that we should keep things professional from now on. I said ok but don't you think that is harsh to me. Then we spoke on teams all night during our whole shift. We had deep conversations again and told her what I liked about her and what me fall for her. Because she asked me what did I find attractive about her, that I must be blind. She also mentioned that unfriending me should make me forget about her since we'll be working from home soon for a 1 month period. So contact will be limited. 

Now the whole team is at the office today and she basically takes all her breaks with other coworkers except me. I feel like she is ignoring me but we still speak and joke with each other if we ever speak to each other. 

I just want to know. Am I doing something wrong? I'm genuinely interested in her but maybe I am doing something wrong. I don't know what to do. Should I still pursue her? Or completely abandon that idea? My head is so messed up right now. 

She doesn't appear interested in your romantic advances. Ever hear the saying don't sh*t where you eat? It's a motto that I always follow and one that she seems to be trying to follow was well. She may find the banter fun and all but is definitely hesitant on allowing it to proceed because she doesn't want to put her job in danger. It appears that the rumor mill has already started at your place of employment and she is doing what she can to distance herself from it. Workplaces often have policies against fraternizing with other employees and can be against company policy. What you are seeing is her attempt to distance herself from you at work so that she doesn't cross a line at work. The type of behavior that you are exhibiting towards her, whether you mean to or not could be looked upon as sexual harassment and could end up costing you your job. I would cool your heels on this before someone takes their concerns to HR or management and files a complaint. 

On 11/2/2023 at 9:38 AM, safemeet said:

If you've met someone online and you're planning to meet up for a date, it's natural to want to confirm their authenticity beforehand. Can you provide examples of reliable methods to confirm if the person I've been talking to online is genuine? 

As someone who has met many people during the online dating stage of my life, I completely understand wanting to know the authenticity of someone before seeking an arrangement with them. How long have your two been talking? Have you exchanged numbers? Sometimes a simple phone call can set aside some of the anxiety that comes with meeting someone in this format. I agree that a video call might be useful but sometimes people can get flaky with that. Is there something that is giving you pause for thought that makes you think this person might not be authentic/genuine? 

I would always normally agree to meet in a public place for the first "date" and if I wasn't sure of the person before meeting them (compatibility, genuineness, attraction), I would try and keep the first date limited to something like a coffee shop or something that doesn't involve alcohol or drinks. 

On 11/4/2023 at 4:47 PM, Mellotart said:

Im 19 and i had a boyfriend for over 2 years but we broke up during summer. We talk a lot daily and i miss him a lot but he tells me he never wants me back, and i respect that decision even though i dont like it. I get extremely paranoid thinking that hes talking to other women (which is ok for him to do) , it makes me feel actually sick and nauseous. I want to just be happy for him if he does find a new partner. I feel like i never meant anything to him. He was my second boyfriend and he was the most healthiest relationship i had. He also said that he never really felt love as deeply as me when we were together. That hurt a lot. Anyways, should i just cut him off for my own sake and mental well being, since it makes me extremely anxious and ill? Or should i just try to suck it up and continue to talk to him. Hes my only friend i talk to everyday and its a hard decision to make due to that. Im very scared of being alone. Any advice will be appreciated

Sounds to me like you are still processing the breakup and the feelings that come with it. That is totally normal and healthy. You also admit that you have abandonment issues (fear of being alone), this is also really healthy to at least be aware of what makes you "tick" and shows that you are aware of yourself. Having been through many many breakups of all shapes and sizes, they are never fun or easy to deal with and in time they normally get better. My opinion is that you should go no-contact in order to properly heal from this as continuing to speak with him will only complicate your feelings or may end up opening new wounds for you to feel later. I have been in your shoes before. It can be difficult to deal with and process but it will make you stronger in the end. I would focus on your hobbies/school/work to keep your mind off of him. Making new friends isn't always easy but friendships will develop when you least expect it. Based on what he told you, it sounds like its an emotional response to drive you away so he can figure himself out. While its not the healthiest, its also pretty common to see. Keep your head up and focus on yourself and I am sure that you will be alright in due time.

On 11/4/2023 at 7:05 PM, Berenice said:

Hi everyone!

It's quite a convoluted story, so I'll try to tell it clearly and briefly.

I have a friend (F 23, lets call her Mary for sake of this story), well, the sort of friend with whom you share hobbies (A LOT) and enjoy socializing, but your lifestyles and values are gradually, over years drifting in opposite directions (so friendship kinda doomed). She, to put it bluntly, has sex with older rich men for expensive gifts, travels, her outlook on life so far was very materialistic. Mary is very attractive (hot, as the men would say), active, charismatic. 

My younger brother (18, soon 19) is very kind, homely guy, who at this stage was mostly interested in computer and board games (like painting miniatures) and other things like this. He never had girlfriend I know of (and we are pretty close), if anything I observed he is rather timid with opposite gender. He is living with parents and obviously has no money to speak off. Lest you get the wrong impression - he's not a caricature nerd, maybe just a little in a good way. Just good guy, also quite good looking too, on slimmer side. 

Whole thing happened this august. 

It was hot day in our home city and all kind of other plans collapsed, so we rather opportunistically decided to visit local lake with group of friends. Mary joined us because I guess nostalgic mood over this lake (not like it was her class of fun anymore). I made my brother come with us so he could get some fresh air too. He resisted, but I literally forced him into the car.

We all had a great time fooling around on the air mattresses. Brother was mostly bored on beach tho, sitting in shade with his phone.

I don't know exactly what happened next, as most of our group (including me) went to the food store nearby for some food and drinks to continue the party.

In short, Mary was very far from the shore (making selfies for Instagram of all things) and fell into the water from air matt because some idiot on a jet ski created a wave near her. At first everyone laughed, but she panicked, swam after the mattress, but could not catch up with it, then to the shore, used up all her strength. She started to drown.

My brother, also far from a super athlete (nor like ever overly heroic guy), rushed to save her and at first he was successful, but then they started drowning together. Luckily a couple of strong men who were good swimmers came and rescued them both with minor damage. She got some water in, but not too badly.

Everyone was shocked and went home shaken, party ruined.

A little later I noticed that my brother and Mary were texting each other (but it seemed normal to me that she somehow wanted to thank him, they not knew each other before).

What had happened shook her badly, she confessed to me that she had prepared to die, her whole life had blinked before her eyes in instant (like in movies or books), and if it had been my brother, she would have been dead. The incident sent her into a depression, and she was on medication for a couple weeks. After therapy Mary seemed to cheer up and returned to her former life, went to study further at the university in a neighboring city. 

(for context - all what was discovered next - she kept secret from me, while we were texting each other almost every day).

But something suspicious began to happen to my brother. A strange blissful smile, vacant dreamy eyes and and a loss of interest in his usual amusements (and most worryingly - friends he had before).

I will not list all the long steps of my investigation, but, honestly it was even bit unnecessary with all writing already on the wall. At some point I betrayed my brother's trust and, when the opportunity arose and he was away from home for a long time, I broke into his computer. Shame. But what's done is done.

And of course I found the whole nauseating story of the she-wolf trying to eat the lamb.

They'd been texting for endless pages on messenger, likely quarter of million messages. I read as fast as I could until my eyes hurt, scrolling like crazy. 

At first she was really nice and touching thanking him for saving her.

Then she started flirting. Please, no...

He instantly completely melted at the attention of such an attractive girl (something he probably never experienced before even close). He starts charmingly naively telling her about his life, interests, hobbies, computer games he plays (what level he is, OMG), how he saved 20$ somewhere very smartly during sales to buy 2 such and such games instead of 1. 

(for context: before guys like him was mocking stock for her only)

She pretends (right?) to be very interested. She lies a lot, pretending to be this poor simple student girl too. LOL. Obviously, to fit into his picture, so to say.

They even play some computer games together! 

He's happy, jumping around her like little puppy, buys her more computer games. I see timestamps of the messages - he literally now can't sleep.

They started mixing text messages with calls, some of which lasted 2-3 hours, one 5 hours!

She starts sending him increasingly suggestive messages and then borderline erotic selfies.

At this point he was completely mesmerized by her. He loves her. He just had no chance to resist.

I felt nauseated by this point, like almost observing my brother was abused by her, his relative innocence. But worse to come.

She it seems gets ''hungrier'' - and escalates quickly and starts playing different sexy games with him, per example, now he picks out the panties she wears every day (with photo reports). She poses for him in different lingerie (now its obviously super erotic). He is charmingly ignorant, by the way, going over her expensive brand lingerie and other clothing, without understanding the budgets of our ''poor student girl''

He's naturally already under tremendous sexual tension. She knows it well too good.

Then in one day there is no panties at all, she gone full nudes. Obviously she done this before many times, all posing so well trained, precise, legs spread just right way too look great. She so professional at this.

Again, he had no chances. He sends her hundreds of love-smiles and struggles to praise her how beautiful she is, its painful to read.

Then she motivates him to masturbate for her on webcam. Which he apparently did to her endless delight.

At this point I read with my open mouth and pain in chest. I'm furious. It maybe not appropriate word, considering he is technically adult man, but feels like sexual abuse. Its just feels not right.

Then I see something changed in their dynamic yet again, flirt is different. I already barely can read it, because shock and guess some internal shame for myself too, my face red and burning. So I start to skip (and they texting less and less, mostly doing long calls), but generally it seems they already secretly met (like week ago) and had sex in real life too - in a hotel. She still flooding him with compliments about how good he was, he is endlessly happy, he repeats again and again how he loves her, that she is the best in the world. I start to cry reading/watching this.

It ends with them planning to make their relations official and I notice, that she is quite hesitant about my future reaction. And tries to win some time before it happens. She knows what I know about real her to just say ''ok!''.

Fundamentally, I have gut-wrenching fear, that she is just playing with him (for whatever reason), he is probably her 30th partner at best, maybe, even worse than that. I'm not even sure of her STD situation at this point, to be absolutely brutally honest, with all her soft-core prostitution. Its scary. And she is his first magic love no doubt. Love-dream come true.

Why she is doing this?

I'm afraid, that when this all will fall apart and him realizing that he was a mere plaything, whole lie unravel and this will deeply traumatize my brother (probably for life in terms of relations with women), something he is not deserves. Especially considering he saved her life, or at least took deadly risk to try to do so.

I honestly already hate her as some sort of cursed traitor, who paid for good with evil backstabbing. Worse - I feel responsible.

So what is my options? How can I navigate this situation best (for my brother first of all)? At this point I don't care about saving our friendship. Just saving my brother from whatever trauma I feel may happen very soon.

Technically I have a ''dirt'', ''blackmail'' material on her: before she quite often and openly discussed (on the messengers) with me her adventures with different older men, saying all kind of degraded things, showing her gifts, mocking losers without money etc, generally: showing her true colors in worst way possible. But showing all this to my brother will be no better thing to do I feel. He will be still heartbroken, just other way around. Also I prefer to keep my computer spying-invasion in a secret. 

Other then this I do not know what to do. But I feel I need to do something.

Thanks for reading!

This honestly feels like a huge violation of privacy to me and somewhat controlling behavior IMO. They both are consenting adults and free to make their own personal decisions. I do not see how she has taken advantage of him in any way, and the amount of effort that was put in by her shows me that she may have genuine feelings for him. A lot of what you say about her is from your own opinion of who you think she is, and maybe you are right. However, maybe she isn't who you think she is and your brother was able to really get to know the true person that she is and they connected well because of it. Regardless, your brothers' relationship history is for himself. If he gets hurt or hurts "Mary" it is up to them to figure out and address. Sounds to me like he is coming out of his shell a little bit and is having fun exploring his feelings and desires. There is nothing wrong with that.  

21 hours ago, bettyford23 said:

For context, I am a woman, mid-30s and my boyfriend is 43. We have been together for 2 years and live together. Around a week ago my boyfriend told me about a co-worker who said she was going to watch a live true crime podcast. I assume he told me because I enjoy listening to true crime podcasts. Cool, never heard of that particular podcast, may look it up. Even told him, “Hey, she and I should be friends.” Since then, he has been bringing her up here and there in normal conversation. He does occasionally talk about his co-workers so this wasn’t that unusual until I saw some messages they had exchanged through Teams. (As far as I know they do not text outside of work-approved communication). I noticed that she asked him if he would be coming to work in person or working remotely one day. He said he would be working from home and asked something like, “Am I going to miss you?” then told her it was okay for her to use his desk while he wasn’t there. He also told her she could help herself to any snacks at his desk.

Her response was something like she wouldn’t force anyone to come into the office just to see her and if she wanted to see him she would start a meeting and have him turn on his camera. He then told her she is a “treat.” She replied that she would make a wallpaper of pictures of her and put them all over his office area. This sounded like flirting to me so I told him about my concern.

We talked about it calmly and he said he didn’t perceive it that way but since I am uncomfortable with it he will be more mindful of how he interacts with her. He also told me he has referred to other co-workers as “treats” before because they are pleasant to work with. When I asked why he suddenly had been talking about her so much, he said he didn’t realize he had been but admits to thinking about her recently. I asked him why and he said because they had worked together on a project at their employer. He also said he thinks about his male co-workers also. I even asked if he thinks he might have a crush on her and he said he didn’t.

The other day she asked him what he was dressed as for Halloween after he messaged her about a work-related issue. She then mentioned that she would be in the office one day coming up and again he told her to sit at his desk because he would not be there since he is working from home that day.

He has insisted there is nothing to it and he doesn’t think of their interactions in any particular way. I am trying to make sense of why I am feeling so insecure about this situation. Any ideas?

I wouldn't overtly say he is cheating, but I can see why you would be upset or concerned. This appears as though its friendly banter (a little flirtatious) in tone, but the fact that the two of you already had a discussion about it is a good start. Has he ever exhibited this type of behavior before? While I want to tell you not to worry about it, it doesn't look healthy in the sense of your relationship. I am married and I conduct myself very differently at work as I do not want to ever come off as "crossing a line" even if my intentions were innocent. If the behavior were to continue, I think you should have a more serious conversation about how it makes you feel and the impact that it could have on your relationship. He should know by now that it doesn't sit right with you and continuing to do it is disrespectful to your relationship. This easily could develop into an emotional affair, in my opinion. 

Final (hopefully) update. Received a phone call from my brother this morning. I let it go to VM. He left a very nasty message stating that they received the letter and that they never wish to communicate with me or my family again. In the end, the truth finally came out that they hate my wife and think that she is a disgusting human being and they do not care who knows it. My wife has never done anything to them but we have suspected that they didn't like her for a long time, but had no evidence to support it as my mother would never cross the line in verbally saying it, until now. My wife picked up on it from when we were still dating. She had said that my mother had made comments to her in the past that didn't sit right with her and that it was almost like she (mom) wanted my wife to treat her and communicate with her like they were best friends and felt threatened when this didn't happen. They believe that she is puppeteering me through life, when in reality, my wife finally helped me to gain distance from them and truly see how they have treated me over the years. My wife respected my decision to leave and stated that she didn't want to get involved with the decision because it wasn't her place and that her opinion who likely have an effect on my decision. I totally respected that. I truly feel as though I should have done this a lot sooner and maybe should have listened to my wife's concerns about them earlier rather than just chalking it up to "family drama".

Just an update. My mother attempted to call me after 11:30pm on Saturday night and I ignored the phone call because it was late and to me it was pushing boundaries. I mailed my letter to her on Tuesday and expect that it will be delivered today or tomorrow at the latest. I got an email from her this afternoon stating that she has tried multiple times to get ahold of me to inform me that my grandfather suddenly passed away on Saturday. I haven't spoken to the man in over 20 years and really do not have any feelings about it. I didn't know him. 

To my knowledge, she hasn't spoken to him in about the same amount of time, and so I do not fully understand why she needs to inform me on two different occasions about it. I feel that it is an attempt for her to get me to reach out to her and I am not biting. This would be her father who passed away, the same parents that she cut out of her life many years ago. 

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

You've made a lot of difficult but excellent decisions. You could write the letter to get things out there but you probably know she'll never change.

 Does she have any history of mental illness?  She seems like a broken person. It's great you're moving forward with your own new family. How is the extended family? 

We have no other family. She cut out her side entirely when my brother and I were really little. I always believed that they were terrible people because that is what we were lead to believe. I have never really met them so I don't have much to go off. On my dad's side, we were very close with his parents up until they passed, and he only had one brother who was also cut out of the family for trying to steal family inheritance/not believing my grandfather was truly his dad.

My sister is also estranged. My siblings and I are all adopted. She has severe mental illness and I fully understand why it needed to happen as she was a danger to the family and sometimes herself. She has been through the system multiple times. She is adopted.

I strongly believe that there is some deep seeded mental illness (high functioning though) but that is a line that I would never be able to cross with asking/suggesting her. 

See the pattern?...

We don't really have family so it makes it easier in that sense. My wifes family is huge and very supportive. I think its threatening to my parents in a way.

A bit of background, I have struggled with my family unit for many years. College and being on my own has allowed me to separate myself from my family most of the time but I would still communicate with my mother pretty regularly via phone and would see them during the holidays. I live almost 6 hours away from them and have been away for 12 years.

As an adult, I definitely noticed traits with my mother (mostly) that told me that we were not cut from the same cloth. We have different personalities, political views, goals, and stances on a lot of things, but I tried to just "bear with it" for the sake of family. I really noticed the trouble brewing about 5 years ago once I became engaged to my now wife. While my family never has come out and said anything negative about her, I can sense that there is some animosity there. We have never attempted to do anything that would hurt them and therefore there is no real reason to dislike her, but I digress.

My family had a pretty big blow up about 3-4 months prior to my wedding. My mother didn't feel included in the planning process and although we invited her to come out for certain planning events, she always denied the requests for one reason or another. A fight erupted when I changed jobs and my mother disagreed with my career move, and felt that I was simply doing it for the money and that I was rushing into a new position. Words were said, and she threatened to not come to my wedding. (She ended up coming). She acted strangely the entire time, making thing weird for my wife and I but I figured that maybe she just needed time. Mom disagreed with my wife and I's honeymoon choice (Hawaii) and told us that we didn't deserve to go, and it was something that you should earn. We had saved for well over 2 years to prepare for the trip as to not put money on credit cards.

Since 2019, my wife and I have had 3 miscarriages, one successful pregnancy to an amazing little girl who has changed my life, we have moved to a bigger home and my wife has started a new job. Since 2019, we have seen my family twice. Once as a stay over at their place, and we met half way across the state last year for them to finally meet their granddaughter. They have met their granddaughter once in almost 2 years. We have invited them out multiple times so that my niece (who lives with them) could see the beach, so they could see our new home which we are very proud of, and have tried to coordinate visits with them over a dozen times for major holidays and get togethers. My mother would always agree then at the last minute, sometimes 1-2 days prior, cancel on us. I have tried to talk to her about it as this has been a huge elephant in the room over the past 4 or so years but we never could get to a point to resolve it. My brother was my best man at my wedding and turned down the opportunity to be my daughters' god father. He has never met my daughter. I haven't really spoken to him as he will also not return my calls. 

About 3 weeks ago, my mom and I got into a very loud and drawn out argument over the phone. Emotions got the best of us and 4 years of mistakes and transgressions finally came out. Screaming, hollering, crying, you name it. Not once was she able to give me with a reason for why she has acted this way towards me and it seems like she hasn't let go of things that happened long ago. I asked why we were always denied access to the family, why she never allowed us to come out, etc., and it was always something about how it was my fault that we don't face time with my daughter and a bunch of excuses about things I supposedly said years ago. Even after hearing it all, I attempted to apologize and explain that I do not ever remember saying these things to her, and maybe she took things out of context or misunderstood something. She reminded me that none of it was her fault and that I should shoulder all of the blame. I don't know what I did wrong to begin with. 

I found out that my brother is married and has adopted my niece and they all live with my parents now. I found out a lot of secrets that were hidden from me that really don't matter as if I wouldn't be able to handle the information. I was told that I was a despicable person and fed excuses for everything that has happened. I reminded her that I do not recall saying a lot of the things that she was accusing me of and she BLEW UP on me in a way that I have never seen before, telling me that I was calling her an F'ing liar and hung up the phone. 

My brother called me for the first time in 4 years immediately after asking what happened because he could hear her on the other side of the home. I explained that we had a disagreement and obviously have a differing matter of opinions on things and that all I wanted to do was get to the bottom of the issues at hand. I told him that we have been denied access to seeing him and the rest of the family for well over 4 years and we don't understand why. He told me the truth. It wasn't that things may have come up or fell through that caused them to cancel, it was that my own mother "Didn't want my face in her house". He informed me that he only hears what she tells him, and he thinks that I'm an absolute *** bag and that he will always side with her. He informed me that his wife, whom I have never met, also considers me to be a *** bag. He admitted in the same breath that our own mother can't know that he is talking to me because she has a gag order on me in the house. He is 36 years old, married, and has an adopted niece and he allows her to control him like he is a child.

My mother has raised him and I both to believe that she will always be smarter than us, will always be right, she has a better memory that we do and can remember conversations from years ago, and that we will never win against her. She will never admit when she is wrong and will do whatever it takes to pit someone against the other for her own personal gain. My wife told me once that when she first met my mother, she sat there and talked about all the accomplishments of my brother and sister and never once said anything about how great I was. She hates the state that I live in for no apparent reason, she believes I am not doing enough with my degree's and that my career will never be as good as my brothers. I will never be good enough for her.

I decided to write a letter to both my mother and father yesterday explaining my feelings, the fact that I have tried for years to fix these issues but they will not allow it, and exposed her true feelings about me from my conversations with my brother that night. I told her that I despise who she has become and that I hate that she will never make me feel like an adult. I told her that I am ashamed that she has made no effort to meet her own grand daughter and that I would not bring my daughter into this mess. I really wanted it to work when this all started, but after some deep thought, I don't want to be a part of this toxic family. Even if we were able to reconcile, she wouldn't change and I would be walking on egg shells around her for the rest of my days. I will not put my family unit through this. Letter went in the mail this morning but I still have conflicting feelings about the whole thing, like I am making a mistake in telling them that I no longer want to be associated with them. A part of me thinks that family should stick together, but I cannot take the anxiety of dealing with this non-sense for the years to come. It isn't healthy and I have had enough. I will not bring my wife and child into this type of toxic situation. I expect her to call me once she receives the letter, and a part of me wants to pick up the phone. She called me the other night at 11:15pm knowing that I would likely be sleeping. I was awake and chose not to answer it as she needs to respect my boundaries. The letter was pretty final. There was no option to leave the door open, but I feel a sense of remorse/guilt now that it is in the mail. Could it be trauma response?

I could go into so much more detail but for the sake of it, I think this gets my situation across. 

FYI, I am 35, married, I own a home and hold a masters degree and work in Project Management for a living. I have so much to be proud of with the life that I have built for myself.