hidden_kitten
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Knew I could rely on you Dias! 😁 Last day off before back at work until the weekend. I’m sick of living here. On paper it’s idyllic: countryside, family, big house but just constantly feel that I’m on someone else’s schedule and none of it is really ‘mine’. I need to decide where to move to. The scary thing is it may mean leaving this job sooner than I thought…and worried about the reaction from the boss. But it’s just a job, they can’t have this hold over me. I’m also putting off taking responsibility for myself and going somewhere completely alone. Writing up a list of pros and cons.
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It would be nice to get laid sometime soon…but no leads from any of the apps. I must be doing it wrong…no one is asking to meet up and when it’s me doing the asking I get ghosted. There’s a two fold win if I start up birth control again: 1) more protection if anyone does follow through 2) libido is dulled if they don’t and I stop going crazy 😵💫
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I guess, for me, I just want to concentrate on my job and doing that well and not have other distractions at the time. Yes I’ve had to explain to colleagues, volunteers at current job that I’m now single since they last saw me, but at least there’s some distance between everyone and they’re not all up in my business as they might have been if my ex had worked at the same place. Or perhaps I just know really immature types!
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I hate that phrase and really don’t want to know how it got attributed to dating/sex/work haha! You seem to be able to easily compartmentalise different areas of your life, which is why you would find dating a colleague not a big deal, but I think for a lot of others drama tends to overspill and creep into the workplace in that situation. My first experience was with a long term boyfriend who got me my first full time job after uni. It was in a different department but small open plan office so it was like we were in each other’s pockets all the time. Also, I wanted to chat/vent about the work day afterwards (it was my first proper job after all) but he just wanted to switch off completely so that grated for a while. A couple of years later when I was single at a new job (retail, part time) and was asked out by someone who I had a crush on for ages. Of course I couldn’t say no. We were totally incompatible and somehow dated for three years and had a horrible break up. Thankfully we had both left that store before breaking up but I found it really awkward moving back home and running into old colleagues having to explain what happened. So now I would definitely not date someone from work. Same industry maybe.
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Meanwhile I’m a typical pasty Scot who can’t handle the heat or sun so I’ve been hiding indoors enjoying it through the window 😄. Temp was in the late 20s earlier! I like summer evenings, when it’s still pleasant but not unbearable and the light is all hazy. Hope you get to enjoy it some time this week Dias!
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Having been on furlough for most of the previous year I've not had to do much working from home/webcam calls. First time dealing with Teams today, usual tech issues happened! But the particular project concerned is very rewarding and hope we can get it off the ground. All the personalities involved are lovely and very supportive which helps but I'm nervous how much time I'll have to invest. Will just have to get stuck in. I've deleted and reinstalled dating apps about 3 times trying not to get distracted haha. I do like the attention but find myself pining for interaction when the conversation dies down...but I know I'm not in any place to start a real relationship right now and the guys have been upfront about that too.
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UK or Ireland most likely...although if Brexit stuff settles may consider further afield. Limited myself to this part of Scotland for years, and assumed with my ex it was going to be for the long haul. Now not being linked to anyone feel I should take the leap that I’ve always been scared about. The major draws are London, Manchester or Dublin. Unfortunately most of them are ridiculously expensive but I’ve built up a fair nest egg. I don’t have to make this decision right now. But I’m not happy in the borders, and as much as Edinburgh will always feel like home it doesn’t seem to be offering much right now.
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Chat with Glasgow guy kind of, erm, escalated let’s say and we were talking about meeting up this weekend when we were both off work then bam! Lockdown has been extended in his city and no one is supposed to travel in or out except for essential reasons. There’s supposed to be a review tomorrow but with cases still rising there, I bet restrictions will be kept for another week. The universe obviously doesn’t want me to get laid right now! 😆 Work is a headache right now but trying to muddle through. May have written this upthread but giving myself another year in this town for things to stabilise and decide where I want to go next. I’m considering away from Scotland for a while.
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I find it so interesting matching faces/voices to internet personas! You’re very articulate and legible from the short clip, but I agree that filming oneself can be very awkward. I’ve done all of three zoom calls and not in a hurry to do more. Couldn’t tell you if you sounded particularly Greek - even though I used to work with a guy from Athens years ago. I have a very nondescript accent - apparently I don’t sound very Scottish but when I go to England anywhere they’re like “...you’re not from round here!” haha
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Got invites to Glasgow and Dundee to meet guys but don’t think I have any time right now to do so 🙃. Never had this match rate on dating apps, everyone must be really desperate coming out of lockdown haha. Is it bad that I still wish that the cute guy from back in March would contact me? Ok yes I know the answer to that. It’s all the same people on Tinder, Bumble, Hinge and he appears to have dropped off completely. Gave him my Instagram and number yet absolute silence. How much more of a hint do I need???
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I read that as “I would be running the UK like a maniac”. That’s probably what we need! You’d get it all sorted Dias 😁 I had an ex who had a similar amount of energy - he was constantly go, go, go and winging things. He was the antithesis of me and how we lasted as long as we did I’ve no idea but always admired how much he got done.
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Thanks guys. Update, Edinburgh guy doesn’t feel that there’s a spark there so won’t be seeing him again. A shame, wanted to grill him about his travels abroad. There’s an ongoing exchange with a guy from Glasgow but don’t think I’m going to meet him yet, have a feeling I’m going to be exhausted this weekend being swamped with work. He’s not looking for anything serious right now so maybe in a couple of weeks. Music/bands are a passion of ours so just been talking about that sort of thing.
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Some development on the dating life front. Travel restrictions in my country ended a few weeks ago so I thought I’d give the cute guy another message to ask if he wanted to go for a walk or coffee. I was fully expecting this to go ignored but you miss every shot you don’t take. To my surprise, he responded saying that sounded like a nice idea and I suggested that I’d be around this past weekend and gave him my number. And of course he never texts to firm up anything. I went into town anyway and walked around, people watched and visited a cafe that I hadn’t tried before. Told my friend about the guy never getting back to me and she was more annoyed than I was, haha. I’ve since unmatched with him on the app so I can’t drool over his profile and feel sorry for myself. Another guy who I had a brief exchange with on tinder at the start of April got back in touch, came across as much more enthusiastic so we met up on Sunday for a walk round one of the parks in town. He seems like a nice guy, same age and has lived abroad and in London before coming back to Scotland. I think he must also be really intelligent with the degree/work he’s done (being vague for anonymity) and then there’s me “hur dur I’m trained in drawing cartoons”. So I’ve no idea what his take away of me is and if he’ll want to see me again - not heard from him since getting home on Sunday evening. But I’m glad I took the plunge trying to get back out there and meet people I wouldn’t in normal circumstances.
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Not been able to get out yet, finding excuses like I slept in too late or the weather is meh. Had a productive day at work though and going back in tomorrow even though not scheduled to try to back into a routine...which should mean sleeping better and can get up at the weekend to head out! Thank you Dias, yeah needed somewhere to vent at 1 in the morning. Can’t really travel to meet anyone for another couple of weeks and the app trail has gone cold so don’t think I’m going to do anything too rash. I suppose just entertaining it in my head is part of the healing process.
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I caved and messaged him. Just a simple hello...no response. I’m struggling. Wish these feelings would go away. Would do anything for a connection with another human right now.
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Send some of that my way please, I have some serious weight to shift 😐
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Been resisting the urge to try and call ex that bubbles to the surface now and then. Had a good run of good weather but haven't been able to take advantage of it due to catching up with work/stupid sleep pattern. Thought if I get everything off my plate by next week I can take off for some long walks in the hills...and just my luck that's when snow is forecast!
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Cute app guy has not responded since the weekend. Boo. Nevermind, work has suddenly gone from zero to sixty and today was the first full shift of the year! My brain was mush when I got home. Which is annoying because I’m procrastinating on other things that I need to get off my plate. This deserves a longer entry, but basically I’ve landed in an event management role....when I’m completely unsuited to it. I’m naturally reserved and come across as younger than I am, no one believes I’m my thirties. I just don’t have presence and fear that it’s too late to cultivate that. However, today really took me out of my comfort zone which apparently is meant to be good in the long run...but felt like such an idiot having to ask loads of questions, or being too scared to ask anything at all. It could be that the role/team I work with just aren’t great at mentoring those new to the industry, though how long does it take to decide whether the issue lies with me or external factors?
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A couple of conversations happening through the dating apps. Being very shallow here but there’s a nice looking guy who actually responded with more than a sentence to my initial messages, there’s been back and forth for a couple of days but heard nothing today...hoping that I haven’t bored him! He is cute so I wouldn’t mind meeting him when travel restrictions lift again. The conversations with others are just chitchat about bands, one of my profile lists my music taste so a lot of messages revolve around that to begin with.
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Good news this week about my country’s easing of lockdown. Looks like some places can start to open up towards the end of next month. Everyone in my household has had at least their first vaccine dose, which is good considering there’s fears of a shortage slowing things down in the coming weeks. I’m still really struggling with keeping to a routine. Not having to be anywhere means I do absolutely nothing, because I can and there’s no immediate consequences. Slept for ages yesterday, had a couple of weird dreams. In the first one I was with an ex from a decade ago and we were celebrating our engagement and announcing it to everyone. In the second one was my most recent ex, it was like I was trying to track him down because I thought he was cheating on me and I was trying to catch him in the act. I could/should go into work to get a head start of planning to open up the public or even just sorting filing and tidying while it’s quiet...but didn’t. Instead I’ve been reviewing my savings and getting my head round pensions. I think it’s very unlikely I’m going to be buying my own flat anytime soon so looking for the best place to put my money. It looks like the pension plan my employer has enrolled me in is one of the worst on the market, and they’re unlikely to increase contributions on their side. Don’t know if I should put more in from my side, or find another way to invest. Wish I had researched these issues sooner!
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Making notes of all the places in the city I want to go back to as soon as they open and people are allowed to travel. Some are places that S introduced me to but I want to reclaim them as my own. It’ll be hard going by myself but I need the practice. There’s other places that we said we’d get round to visiting but never did, well missed your chance a*****le I’m going anyway. Climb Arthur’s Seat. Visit castle. Drive to the beach myself.
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Been a month now. I deleted his number and email address, and never learned them off by heart so it does sting that if he never reaches out, I can’t get hold of him either. Just so weird going from planning a life together straight to acting like we never existed. Random crying episodes. Missing sex also.
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Thank you. I’m just whinging to try and feel better, as juvenile and naive my thoughts will sound. Watched the latest SpaceX test launch - my dad has always been a space exploration nerd so watched it along with him - just didn’t look real coming back to the launch site then uprighting seconds before touching the ground. Gutted when it blew up, at least it stayed in one piece longer than the last test!
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Couldn’t sleep last night either, but no headache. Still angry. I was so patient with him yet I’m the one that gets tossed aside. How come everyone else gets their happy ending and I don’t? Feel like I’m forever making the wrong choices which means whatever I decide to do next will be wrong too.
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Urgh, headache and sore stomach overnight, which I assume are side effects. Slight tenderness at jab site. So a very lazy day. It’s been so nice out but I have little energy to enjoy it today, maybe tomorrow after work. Feeling anger at him for leading me on. I want to shout at him to let him know. During our relationship we never argued, I rarely do when I’m with someone but I wonder if that contributed to him walking away in some way? Cowards way out instead of discussing how he was feeling with me. Angry at the past year in general and how everything is messed up - can’t see friends, can’t go anywhere to make friends, my industry is in serious trouble. Fast forward a few months when I pray this gets better.
