Tanzi

Duplicate post. 
 

Why on earth would you make this demanding, controlling ex a priority over a current boyfriend?  If I were you a guy, I wouldn't want to be involved with you.  Are you still with your boyfriend?

So in your words he “checks all the boxes for a good boss” … so why not just assume that to be the case instead of second guessing his motives and making things awkward for yourself.

From what you said, I don’t see that he has done anything inappropriate. To clarify, though, are these calls out of hours or were you working from home?Either way, going forward, focus on doing your job and try not to read anything into his actions which don’t really seem to be out of the ordinary. 
 

13 hours ago, CookiesandCandy said:

This was yesterday; 

It takes 30 seconds to send money on PayPal. It's like $70 he owes me. 
 

12 hours ago, CookiesandCandy said:

It's not about patience, it should happen instantly. Basic manners.

He didn't receive it yet but that's beside the point. 

11 hours ago, CookiesandCandy said:

Why would I wait? I already paid so that makes no sense. 

I think you need to cool your beans.  You sound almost angry.  Next time just say no if it is going to wind up up this much.  Who knows what is going on his end.  He might have got side tracked.  It's not like it's been weeks .... or even days, for that matter.  Not everyone's urgency is at the same level.  In that sense, if he lent you money, he may not expect it back immediately.

Have you asked him about this girl?

9 minutes ago, mylolita said:

I honestly don’t know how on Earth you did it on your own Blue! Mega hats off!

Any parenting advice welcome!!!

Thanks lo.  It hasn't always been easy but sites like this certainly do help.  

I've tried to keep a balance between parent and friend.  I know not everyone would agree with the latter but I've tried to maintain that balance so that they knew that they could come to me and tell me anything. I have always been realistic too and not expected my girls to be perfect.  As teenagers, especially, they were going to to through the same experiences that I did.  I wanted to be there for them when they did instead of being that disapproving parent who didn't expect their child to do those things that teens WILL inevitably do.  We've all been young.  We know the score.  All in all, we are all incredibly close and I love the relationship I have with them.

4 minutes ago, mylolita said:

I hope she is well. I feel like I understand what she means - this website is a double edged sword for me. Sometimes journaling and adding the odd piece of advice feels very helpful and therapeutic and releasing but at the same time, it can cause me to ruminate, which, I do with or without this message board but it can at times send me into overdrive! 

I think that is exactly how she felt.  I hope she is doing well wherever she is.

51 minutes ago, mylolita said:

PS - what happened to PippyLongstocking?

 

I remember her username and kind advice so well!

 

x

I remember her saying that she needed to take some time out.  I think she would feel particularly down sometimes and felt that the site wasn't always good for her at those times. 

There was something so unique about Pippy's advice.  Somehow it felt like you where getting a great big virtual hug from a beloved friend ... but I never knew her story or why she found her way here.  

42 minutes ago, mylolita said:

Hey Blue!
 

I feel like I might even remember seeing your old username! Or is that in my imagination now you have told me?!

 

How old were your children when you used to come here on the regular?

 

x

They were around 13, 10 and 3.  It was nice to have some adult interaction in the evening ... and to know, of course, that I wasn't the only one struggling as a single parent.

Hmm, I’m not sure anything has changed here. You’re just going to continue on as you already were. 

You said she treats you great yet you weren’t at all happy and have zero trust in her (which iseems to be justified btw).

I think you aren’t ready to face the reality here and are just burying your head in the sand. 
 

I think you are worrying about it way too much. You’re not doing anything wrong. That said, I don’t think you need to discuss it. Moreso, so you don’t make it too much of a “thing”.  I’m not a guy but I’m pretty sure this will be more common than you think. It doesn’t hurt to get checked out though. It will put your mind at rest if nothing else.  
 

Just relax. 

2 hours ago, RosieJ said:

Thank you all for your responses. I took time to read each (all) answers at least twice lol. Happy to say I broke it off completely with the guy right after New Year. It’s been almost two months since the break up and I’m very happy and secure in my decision. Taking this time to better my mind, myself, and hopefully meet the right one soon. 

Well I went and did it again!

Note to self: Finish the thread before replying! 
 

You obviously made the right choice. Take a deep breath and enjoy this time to yourself. You have definitely done the right thing.

Don’t settle. It won’t make you happy. You never mentioned the L word and this relationship doesn’t fulfil you. I totally understand your concerns about wanting a baby but that being the case (and as has ready been said) don’t waste your time on this guy.

I had a baby at 37 btw. 

How old are you all?

Two things jump to mind. Firstly, that you are already married after only being divorced for two years and, secondly, that your new husband has never even been in a long term relationship. Did you both jump in too soon … unprepared. It seems there was a breeding ground for insecurity and jealousy?

That aside, how about all four of you meet up - as parents and step parents of these children. The best way to be co-parents and step parents is to be as amicable with each other as possible. 

As a divorced parent, however, I never met any of ex-husband’s girlfriends. Well, not in the way you mention. At family gatherings our paths crossed and when my ex finally got married, I met his wife - but not through an arrangement. It just organically happened. 

Do you want to share your story with us LAT?

We may be able to offer more help if we knew the whole story.  For example, is this narcissist a friend, partner or colleague?  

It’s far better to walk away from a narcissist instead of buying into their toxic ****. Life’s too short!

Don't be so hard on yourself, it was never going to work anyway.  Yes you had trust issues but it doesn't sound as though she was being sincere.  Your snooping, her partying, your insecurities, her photos .... it was all a recipe for disaster.

You jumped in way too soon.  Moving in with someone to see whether you are compatible is not the right reason to do so.  You are clearly at different stages in life.

She was NOT ready.  You were TOO ready.

6 minutes ago, Missluluz said:

He has 3 children he has two daughters with his ex wife he is the one who I have met. They do not coparent she had stopped allowing him visitations, I have never met his daughters but I did meet her. I have been around his 20 month old son who he was with the baby mama that he cheated with, but I had never met or spoken to her the entire time we have been together. 

He absolutely has rights to see his children.  Either he isn't bothered to see them and is lying about not being able to or he isn't bothered to contest his ex-wife's decision.  He's 27, has fathered three children (two of whom he doesn't see and one who stays with his sister on his visitations) and, until he met you, was living in a one bed apartment with his mum.  Does this guy actually tick any boxes at all? He is not boyfriend, husband or father material in any way shape or form.  

2 hours ago, Missluluz said:

We have an apartment I am the only one on the lease. I pay the rent, he has been unemployed up until about a month ago so most of the bills have always been on me. I feel maybe he even only used me for a place to live rent free at this point. 

So now it becomes so much clearer.  No wonder why his mum is enabling him, she didn't want the responsibility.  Stick with that thought because I think you've hit the nail on the head there.

2 hours ago, Missluluz said:

We had only been dating for a month or so before he moved in. I saw it as me helping him…… things were great. 

A month?  I don't mean to be rude, but that was desperation on your part.  You say you wanted to help him out but then said you thought you were serious.  Helping him out was an excuse because you wanted something serious.  You jumped in way too soon.

2 hours ago, Missluluz said:

and I did meet his other childrens mother even though they do not coparent. 

What do you mean they don't co-parent.  Does he not see this child/children?  How many children does he have?

I’m so sorry you are going through this. The only outcome that will bring you any happiness in this situation is to end things. Yes, you will hurt for a while but your relationship was based on a lie. Your bf led a double life, stringing two women along, enabled by his family. The whole situation is eff’d up and if he can do something like this then he will have no shame in doing it again. His ex, as the mother of his child, is always going to be in his life and, I suspect, he is going to continue pulling her strings. Walk away from him and give yourself the chance to meet someone who will love you and only you. Staying with this man will not bring you happiness.  

If there is mistrust in a relationship then it really isn't worth it as it just won't work.  Mistrust over an ex who keeps popping up and you feel they are lying about is even less worth it!  Trust your instincts.

2 hours ago, seanster93 said:

She's 30. So i'm not sure where to go from here, do I say something? do I cut her off? last time i cut her off, she cried and complained to her friend about it.. but it was for the same reason basically, she was making no effort toward me, i was caring, i contacted her and all i got was read messages and no replies.. meanwhile she's on whatsapp sending pics and chatting to my other friends

So she's done this before?  Honestly, from everything you have said, she seems like a waste of time and energy.  I am assuming you are around 30 years too.  Is this drama what you really want at this point in your life?  I mean, you're not kids any more.  Walk away.  Give yourself the opportunity to find a woman who is really into you.

2 hours ago, seanster93 said:

From my experience, if she's in to me, she'll be excited to see me and not choose a dog... am i right?

Yes.

13 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I agree -my suggestion was completely hypothetical.

I agree also.  I was asking even though I knew what the answer was going to be.  At this moment in time any working out May wants to do is with Albert and not her husband.

That being said, up until Albert threw her his first glance, OP hadn't even thought about another man so there is a chance that she is just lost in some fantasy.  It's a "forbidden fruit" kinda thing that makes it exciting and because it doesn't go beyond that it stays stuck in that honeymoon period.  If she can get herself out of that fantasy then maybe there is a chance for her and hubby.

Flipping things back again, however, it seems that that making things work with her husband isn't even on her radar.  Alber is, however.   In this case, she has to leave her husband.  Anything else just isn't fair.  She will only be staying with him because it's easier than leaving him.  As has been said, staying for the sake of a child is a complete cop out.  It is better to live in two happy homes (eventually anyway) than to bring them up in a miserable and resentful one.   Don't kid yourself that your emotional state isn't rubbing off on your family.