adahy

I done stuff like this in the past. Usually (as he said), I didn't "know". If I'm not sure for whatever reason, I tend to act like this guy. I was always hesitant if there were mutual friends/family involved. If he's friends w/ your brother, that might work on his mind a little.

As a guy, I would caution you not to get 'too' involved if he's acting like this. It's a good recipe for getting hurt.

Having to apologize or repair damage gets embarrassing.

Some folks yell and punch walls, kick trashcans and cuss a lot.

What does it get them?

They just look dumb.

 

When I'm pissed, I breathe deeply, take a quick walk and distract myself.

Although I think anger is natural, I totally agree. Don't let it consume you or manifest itself physically in a negative way. That is pretty weak and foolish. However, anger can be an effective tool, motivator, etc.

Is there really a need for anger? The things you point out are the result of dissatisfaction, annoyance or anger with the way things were/are. Do you really think we will 'get past' dissatisfaction/annoyance/anger by more of the same?

Anger is as 'natural' as anything.

I don't think the source of the things I mentioned can be solely accredited to anger. The source usually lies deeper. Sure certain 'evils' are manifested via anger, but so are some good things.

I know we'd all like to be an enlightened Buddha, but humanity just isn't there yet.

Anger is not a bad thing....and what's not to be angry about these days???

Just turn on the news: murder, rape, war, kidnappings, theft, etc., etc....every single day. Further, I can't leave the house without getting pissed..people cutting me off in traffic, rude/selfish people on cell phones holding up line, polluted air and water...on and on...I could write pages.

Somebody needs to get ANGRY!

Victims are weak

Targets of bullying have no interest in power or exercising power. They go to work to work and they are not interested in office politics or conflict. Targets of bullying have high moral values, a well-developed integrity, a vulnerability (eg need to pay the mortgage), a strong sense of fair play and reasonableness, a low propensity to violence, a reluctance to pursue grievance, disciplinary or legal action, a strong forgiving streak and a mature understanding of the need to resolve conflict with dialogue. Weak people disingenuously confuse these hallmarks of character with weakness. Targets of bullying will withstand daily abuse for months, often years, but the first time a bully gets a taste of their own medicine they immediately run whingeing to authority demanding protection. That's weakness.

I can agree with this, although I don't think every scenerio is the same. Also, I do think "targets" or "victims" do have an interest in power, otherwise we wouldn't be having this conversation. Perhaps not power in the sense that a bully craves or needs. When I say empowerment, I mean a certain degree to move out of the "target" category, not in terms of control or domination. I know PLENTY of nice, caring people w/ all sorts of views and they are not bullied. Most everyone faces a bully at some point in their life, however if it is a reoccurring theme in different environments something needs to be changed in my opinion.

Maybe she just doesn't feel up to making concrete plans just now.

If a girl likes a guy, she'll want to be with him...99% of the time. Also, girls typically love "plans". The girls I've known or dated will have my time planned out months ahead of time, before I know what happened!!

I'd say she's thinking about another guy...and you're the "backup plan". Or, you're the guy she's using to make the other guy jealous.

How do you know the dates were good?

Blow her off for a few days...if not indefinitely.

For the record, I never tell a girl to contact me...if she's "on the fence" that's a burden. Don't make yourself a burden or give her all the control. Now, you get to wait...that's no fun.

I would learn how to empower yourself, first and foremost. This will help well beyond the workplace.

Many people just float by, expecting their boss, a union, or whoever to be there pampering and paving their way thru life. It's weak...it's a weak approach to life and work. If you want to stay weak, blame your boss, blame the girls, blame lack of a union.

Sorry you had to deal with that. I suggest you read some books and learn how to empower yourself...lots of material out there. From the start, don't let yourself fall into a position of weakness. In almost all social interactions, there are plays for power going on..and if you don't want to be on the losing end, then you need to know how to deal w/ people and particular situations. As bad as these girls were, you need to change some things or you'll be right back there again...everything from appearance to attitude is important. It's all a game, but you need to know there is one...and start playing your hand more carefully. It sounds like you've had to deal with this in school and other areas of your life as well. So, I would learn from this lesson..that people aren't nice...that they aren't gonna open doors for you....etc. Unfortunately, you've gotta learn to position yourself on the other end of things...and that doesn't mean running to a boss or someone else for help. That wears thin, it shows you're weak and worsens your cause in fact. Other people can't fix this, only you can. Find some books on the subject. Best wishes.

thanks for your sensitive reply, i was half expecting to be told i was being a spoilt brat!

 

In my heart though i feel that if any of the good things you (or my family or friends) say about me can not possibly be true.....if they were, he would have missed me, he would have come back. Instead he found someone better. I dont know how to explain this any other way?

I agree w/ Mavis. Men do often cheat because they are not "worthy". They find lesser women because they are weak men...and need a lesser woman for their own ego. Move on...be happy!

What is the point in working so hard to try to move on when the basic facts cannot change? i couldnt satisfy my ex-boyfriend, ultimately i was not good enough, ultimately i never will be.

I think you're WAY too hard on yourself. Sounds like you're a great, well-rounded, bright person. The fact that your BF cheated, does not make you a failure! Men cheat for all sorts of reasons....but mostly they're just weak. Most people of a reasonable age have been cheated on, whether they know it or not....but it is not their fault.

You can second guess things in life. Perhaps your life would've been much worse had he stayed in your life. We just don't know those things. When someone cheats, it is hard to let go of that....and very often I think it is not because we liked a person, or had a future with them. I think it's because of an inate desire within ourselves to be wanted...or to win in some cases. But, we can let that influence the reality of a situation and make us feel like a failure....or make us long for something that wasn't good to begin with. Whatever the case, you aren't a failure and you shouldn't feel like one. You are a winner, and the sooner your are rid of a cheater the better. You're only 22, so yes, life has a lot more to offer!

I'm heated right now but all I can say is he will never find a woman to do the things I did for him.

Sure he will find that elsewhere...just like you'll find another thug. There is more to a relationship than bending over. Sounds like this 'arrangement' was just about sex or "sexual appointments", so why be upset. If you want a 'real man' that'll treat you with respect, it might be a good idea to make some different "appointments".

I can have another just like him.

You sure can.

Nothing says you'll make good money after college. I'm sure you'll make better money than if you didn't, but no guarantees.

You and you BF aren't married. Things are still separate. He's doing what he has to do and you have your parents. Nothing wrong w/ that. You shouldn't feel bad about it. The fact that you do is a good sign. The fact that your BF is motivated and hard-working is good too.

Anyway, making good money isn't easy. Sure, some people luck into things and some people get set-up by rich parents [who were set-up their parents and so on. They're the one's on the golf course at 2pm...they make good money, but really don't "work" that hard]. Most people however have to work...cause big salaries don't fall into your lap just because they have a college degree. It usually takes "work".

I completely understand this, trust me..i do. BUT, you don't want to settle. The fact that you've posted this topic tells me you're very apprehensive about persuing this relationship. Trust your gut. Is your gut telling you this is a bad idea? I have a feeling it is.

I agree with this..trust your gut.

I also understand that its hard being alone and nice having someone...but is she 'really' there if drugged out? I've been in relationships where I was more alone w/ someone, than by myself. That sounds odd, but it is true. Not all, but most addicts are empty on some level, if not many levels...so I'm not sure how she can be good for you until she cleans up. If both people aren't on the same page and willing to grow together, then things aren't going anywhere...and don't invest the time/effort/emotion.

I'd stay as far away from this chick as possible. Hopefully you'll find some clarity before she drags you down, gives you an STD, etc.

Who knows?

Perhaps he didn't want to engage you, as you had threatened him. Either way, I often don't acknowledge people for various reasons (a loud guy or girl needing attention for example)...basically people I have no interest talking to. And, for the record, it is harder for the ex (without the girl) in those situations, especially if he's made an * * * * * of himself in the past. I would have left the bar altogether...not because I was scared, but simply because there were people I didn't want to be around.

Personally, I think being honest is always best if you 'sincerely' want to apologize to someone.

In this case, I'm sure the gay guys know it's a "loose" term. I doubt that they had a big issue with it, they've dealt w/ a lot worse. Regardless, humbling yourself regardless of the consequences is a sign of character. If you value K's friendship, tell her how you feel..tell her you're sorry. It's really that simple.

I can't speak for K, but I'd respect that much more. Apologies go a long way toward healing. If she doesn't appreciate the apology, at least you have a clear conscience.

'Day_Walker' is absolutely right. Don't think about it..be decisive. I'm not sure how old you are, be we all had to learn this.

Sometimes I do say, "I want to kiss you"...but I say it as I'm going in for the kiss. That's polite enough I think...gives her oh, about half a second to think about it

By voicing your desire openly first, now there are unnecessary expectations and pressure. That's how it is for me anyway...and I'd much prefer a spontaneous kiss to a planned, calculated/cold one.

I think when I posted I was kind of looking for confirmation that what I was doing was the right thing to do, but I guess it's not from the outside looking in. Here's a little insight on how I feel about everything. She's wrecked me, humiliated me, and sidelined my life and I've got one opportunity to put her through a little hell. I feel like if I did this maybe I could just leave it all behind. Also, isn't it kind of his wife's right to know? She's getting screwed over just as bad as I was (actually a little worse considering the nuptials) and might not ever find out if I were to not make a mention.

Just put it behind you. I had a similar relationship once and my negative feelings nearly consumed me. I had a particularly bad view of women for a period of time, but then I met a woman w/ a heart which turned me around. There are plenty out there that will treat you right. If you don't put it behind you, it will continue to have a negative presense in your life in other forms. Just say screw it.

Also, stay out of that other marriage!! As you suspected something in your relationship, I'm sure this wife does too. It's not your business. A rule to remember: Don't get mixed up in other people's crap, unlless you want to get crapped on. Another rule: stay away from negative and empty people like your last girlfriend...unless you want negative results in your life.

It just seems like such a hard thing to do. She's completely wrecked my self esteem and took away nearly two years of the prime of my life. I hate to say it, but I want her to feel a quarter as bad as I feel.

Well, that's just it...she doesn't "feel" like you do. I have encountered people like this and there is nothing you can do to make this person "feel" the way you want...or maybe at all. Don't lose another moments sleep over this B****. Worrying about revenge shows you're still not 100% over it...so, don't waste another second on her.

Find comfort knowing that people like this will eventually get what's coming to them. It never fails. You don't want people like this in your life!!

First and foremost, I'd be pissed at your "mate". There are certain things "friends" shouldn't do...flirting and being touchy with your girl is one of them. He sounds like a common selfish a***ole. Always know who your friends are and watch the rest. Also, I generally keep my suspicions and things to myself, as girlfriends or "friends" will try to convince of things other than the truth. They will turn your suspicions back on you, get upset, etc...even if they are true and you are right. Your judgement will become clouded. Don't be 'that guy' that gets duped and folks are talking about.

I agree with Jayar.

If "the only times you can tell he cares is when he's drinking"...that is not treating someone well.

Hopefully you've been in a healthy relationship, so you can tell the difference. Otherwise, what "seems" like good treatment is just a slighty higher level of bad treatment. I'm w/ Jayar...doesn't matter why. If he's not "filling" you and giving you the appreciation that you need...find someone that does. Be happy.

I have to disagree with adahy. yes if you make smoking pot the most important thing in your life then you can't give anyone what they need. But how do these people feel about being with someone who goes out to the pub every weekend and has a drink? What is acceptable and what's not is personal choice. You just have to be willing to live with the results

That's what I'm saying. Everyone has their own decisions to make. It's okay if he wants to smoke pot. It's also okay if she doesn't like that. He's either gotta give it up, or she has to tolerate it. Both are personal decisions that only they can make.

For people that are habitual users of something, they often don't experience the full effects of their habit...or understand how it impacts those around them. Drugs do make a person different, feel different, etc...otherwise, we wouldn't do them. My recommendation is - If this girl is worth quitting for, then really quit. If not, then smoke up.

I don't think it's the weed, I think it's the principal. The Do it or I leave.

She knew of this from the beginning this was what he enjoys sooner than a drink. If she didn't like being around a 'stoner' than why did she begin the relationship? why did she date him for 8 months?? a gram a week = 2 joints a week. that's not chronic..that's like saying 2 beers a week makes you an alcoholic.

All I can say is - if it isn't a 'priority', then don't make it one.

You're right, it isn't that much but that's not the point. I'm not a pot critic either in general, but I do hate the 'standard' alcohol vs. pot argument. For the record, I personally think alcohol is the single most destructive force mankind has ever known...yet I love to drink. However, if a girl had a problem w/ my drinking habits, I could totally respect that about her. I wouldn't find fault with her because of it. I would have a 'personal' decision to make...and if I only drank 2 beers a week vs. love, it'd be an easy decision to make...for me.

All relationships take compromise in some form. So yes, that means her also. If she truly loves him, then she could probably tolerate a couple J's a week. There are worse habits afterall. But everyone is different...and again, a personal decision has to be made.

It's funny that you don't think it affects anything. I've know many marriages end over this...as well as relationships. Why??...because the weed always comes first. As in this case, you're gonna let someone you "love" walk away because you'd rather be high. Newsflash - not everyone likes being around stoners. It doesn't make her a freak, or 'traditional', or conservative, or selfish or anything else...it's just not fun being around someone that is stoned and vacant. It's destructive to a relationship, and she is wise to distance herself. As a chronic user, I'm sure you think everything is normal....but it isn't.

I'm not trying to sound mean or condescending...I've smoked the green in the past and still have friends/acquaintances that do. I'm just saying that chronic users (of pot, alcohol, whatever) aren't good candidates to get involved with for a mature relationship. Typically, these folks have been getting high regularly for 10, 20, 30 years...so sure it's normal to them. However, for those on the "outside" it isn't so fun, normal or harmless. An older guy I know (mid 40's) recently got divorced and he was oblivious 75-80% of the time. Sneaking off to smoke a bowl every chance he got...in his own little world....oblivious. Yeah, he was a good guy for the most part..."if" you could reach him. All was normal to him though.