spinstermanquee

1 hour ago, L143myself said:

his body needs me around

booty call.  he can knock all he wants, no one is home.  the best response is no response.

do not cast thy pearls before swine 😉

2 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

@Alex39I would fear your dog biting someone, causing a lot of pain, rushing them to the ER for sutures, leaving them disfigured and the hot mess to contend with afterwards such as a lawsuit.

^^^ 100% agree with Cherylyn on this, and you know your family dog better than anyone here on the webs 😉  hmmm... also agree to give the dog a chance since he has been so poorly trained that he has been rewarded for jawing, biting and clamping and, perhaps, hasn't been walked/exercised/exhausted like a hyper breed like that should?  Obedience begins with calm 🙂  Calm begins with tired.  Tired begins with big ole exercise.  Same thing as that dude says in that old TV show (Exercise Discipline Affection).  Me, I trust, but verify.

I really connected when Jaunty shared the tale of Wren.  Our GSD... it just broke us for a while, more than 5 years.  From the bottom of my heart, I hope you will never go their without your family fur baby.

30 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I'm not excusing it. He should never ever bite. We have a new trainer coming to work with him. 

Regarding the holding something in his mouth and won't let go, one trick I used with the dog who wouldn't let go of the frisbee - I would have someone go behind and gently pull his tail near the base (not the end, you don't want to hurt him).  They forget all about what they have in their mouth and want to see what's going on back there!  That should get you by until you have him trained to "leave it" or "drop it" on command.  🙂  Good luck Alex!!!

2 hours ago, mylolita said:

Dogs shouldn't be biting you or giving you aggressive behaviour - this is a liability, this type of behaviour. It's very hard, I understand, once a dog is up and older, to then start to train and reverse what should have been taught when they were a pup?

IMHO, dogs can learn up until they die.  I had shepherds that I was teaching new things at 7 years old... nuisance behaviors like barking, digging, chewing can be dealt with.  From the experience I had with that one dog, and what I've been told by vets, aggression is a bad sign.  And yes, it's a huge liability as evidenced by Jaunty's share.

Now again, IMHO since I am not a professional:  Resource guarding I would say is trainable - when they block access to a toy or food - but when accompanied by growling and biting to guard that resource then I'm not keeping that dog.

Having said all that, I watched several episodes of the Dog Whisperer and he had some success training out food aggression and biting, but he also got bit in one episode.  Being TV it's possible he got bit more than they televised...

6 hours ago, Jaunty said:

A woman ran up, dropped to her knees, and kissed Wren (who was a very cute dog).  Wren ripped her face badly. Almost got her eyeball.  It was horrible.

^^ This is why I do not approach/touch a dog I don't know.  I speak to the handler first.  Even if the dog is reported friendly and fine i would not put my face into theirs.  Nose to nose can be threatening to any breed - especially after running/charging at the dog - and I bet she put her hands on Wren's head/face too.  Dogs aren't babies.  So sad this happened...

Beautyanx, when i was in my late teens I had a BF that had some experiences (although they were consensual).  It did not impact his later decisions to marry and have children with a female partner.  It was just an exploration in his case.  In your BF's case, it was a trauma not a choice and I would not hold it against him - rather... he made himself vulnerable to you by confiding this info and just by this very act is showing you how much he loves you.  In general, people don't hand you a stick big enough to beat them over the head with unless they really care.  Please don't beat him.

6 hours ago, Jaunty said:

Most dogs have natural, or learned while still with their mother and littermates,  bite inhibition.  

Some dogs have bad temperaments and others legitimately have a screw loose.

Certain breeds with strong prey or "herding" drive can be more prone to it because these drives can be misdirected.

I am not suggesting that their dog has something wrong with it that makes it untrainable.

Thank you Jaunty, for sharing your expertise with us all.  My experience is shepherd-specific with Germans.  As for Aussies, I have read they have high energy and also need a job, and I've seen they make great Frisbee dogs 🙂  Here's hoping Alex's pooch can be brought into line and not be destructive in/to the family.

After that one dog 20+ years ago I am happy to say we never had another like it.  But since then, we also we alternate between adopting adults and seniors (no.more.puppies.we.are.old) while we carefully screen for child and other animal interactions.

o so beautiful... waffle, sorry for your loss(es)

The only AKC-papered dog I've ever owned, and the first and last dog I ever bought, turned out to be a puppy mill (most likely inbred) dog.  He was never quite right.  We obedience trained him to sit, stay, down, frisbee, etc.  He developed food jealousy/resource guarding by growling - we tried various strategies, including feeding him by hand - we could not resolve it.  The first incidents of nipping was at 6 months (he bit the director of HR at my company picnic - skin broke but no blood - still).  We immediately took him to the vet, and the vet encouraged us to keep working with him, even though she also said "aggression is the only thing you cannot train out of a dog."  Because it was the first incident, we elected the training option.  I used strategies gleaned from research and books, also did not help. 

He jawed our daughter's face one day when she was wrestling with a friend.  We couldn't be sure about that because of muzzle grabbing behavior - some dogs use their mouths gently (they learn as sharp-toothed puppies how to control their bite so when they are duller-toothed adults they use appropriate pressure depending on the task) to guide a hand or even to gently play.  But we don't hand play in our house, we stick to "dog teeth should NEVER touch human skin."

One day he growled at me in my car.  Over time, I began to feel desperate - my husband was so attached he was having a hard time with it and kept making excuses for the dog.  All I could see was a ticking time bomb.  We were two weeks in our new home, new neighborhood and a friend with a toddler came to visit.  We were all walking into the house - toddler followed by dog and I was walking past the two to open the door, when dog bit the toddler unprovoked.  Later that same day, my daughter had just made a new friend that came to visit.  When she reached for the door to leave, dog bit her arm.  That was the last straw.    Does not matter he did not draw blood.  He bit two kids in one day - bomb went off.

It was a heartbreaking but necessary decision. We discussed all the options and in the end we went to the vet and she did the necessary.  I had to call the kids' parents to let them know how we addressed the issue.

The above story happened over the course of two years and not without a LOT of work to establish a proper relationship with the dog (yes we are only amateur trainers but we are consistent and consistently successful, except with this one).  It was not our first or last dog.  None of the other dogs exhibited such behavior.  I really do think he had a loose wire in there.  Ever since then when we fill out adoption paperwork and they ask the question, "is there anything that would cause you to give up the dog/give it back," my response is "aggression."

So good luck.  It could be just bad habits and inconsistent treatment.  All family members have to use the same words for the same commands, and treat the dog the same way.  Keep an eye on it, hopefully your situation will have a much happier ending than ours did.

Hi Dicey,

I agree with above posters who encourage trying on your own.  Having a partner in the mix when you don't know what works yet seems to be adding to the pressure.  Pressure=not relaxed=can't enjoy!

Some women have vaginal orgasms, which means you can achieve by being penetrated.  I have never had one of those, I only ever had the clitoral ones so can't speak to the other method.

When I was a young lass and experimenting, I used the bath spout (lie down, position groin under spout with legs up tile, adjust water temperature and pressure as needed, add a little fantasy.

After that I discovered the water jets on the sides of pools, jacuzzis in hotels, etc.

Vibrators are good - I never used the penis shaped ones but rather neck massagers or the like for clitoral stimulation.  There is a new product out there called the rose that gently "sucks" and vibrates the clitoris.  I tried it but it was too strong for my taste and I got rid of it, YMMV (there is a big fan base for the rose out there)!

In any case please give yourself the time and space to figure out what works for you, orgasms are nice but enjoying the moment is even more important rather than worrying about "le petit mort."  Good luck my dear!

Not knowing the whole story, I would assume that your child and her spouse have your best interests at heart, so their concerns merit a listen.

It does not sound normal to be hosted, provided housing, transportation, and meals, without wanting to reciprocate said hospitality and warmth.

The monopoly complaint sounds like a big ole red flag to me.  This is your daughter, for crying out loud, she deserves a good catch up, it's only 2x/year!  And it doesn't sound like a justified complaint from your description.

I'd draw back your focus a bit and look at the big picture... "claims to be wealthy,"  is trying to throw a wedge between you and your kid, is cheap and selfish, etc.  Look really, really hard... does he walk the talk or is he all talk?

2 minutes ago, Superstickyone said:

I have been on 5 dates with a guy and I feel comfortable with him.  No sex or fooling around.  I am keeping my boundaries firm until I know him a lot better.  Says he's looking for a relationship so I'm hopeful.  In the past some dates have tried to hold my hand or get a bit fresh.  I was OK with holding hands but stopped it there in case they are only looking for the physical.

Yesterday this latest guy sent me a text saying he thinks we would be amazing together but that he doesn't like that I'm so aloof.

I do return his texts but not always immediately as I'm busy with something.  I don't understand his complaint because I readily talk when we're together and we have always have a good time.

What am I doing wrong??

 

 

Nothing, you are doing you.  He is being a little demanding... does he have hobbies, exercise, friends, work, etc. to keep him busy?  Does he really want a relationship or is he pump and dump?

When I was single I would get the "aloof" or "distant" when I didn't sleep with a guy by the 3rd date... this was after AIDs, too, and if they really wanted to get down then they would have had to have the talk, testing, etc. and that didn't happen so no joy...

Second what Batya said.  He's with YOU not her.  He wants YOU not her.  And if he did want her it's in the past and it's gone.  People move on... and so should you.  From HIS past.  Doesn't matter one whit!

13 hours ago, 1a1a said:

Adding getting regular massages (no, not for the happy ending, I’m a woman and no one has ever offered and if they did I’d probably feel too weird about it anyway). Aside from massage feeling great! I find this also keeps touch hunger at bay. There’s no cure for the longing that I know off except finding the one you long for but at least touch hunger is an easy fix. 

Wow this is GREAT advice!  I've been getting massages for many years and agree wholeheartedly.

On 2/11/2023 at 7:16 AM, Vordsophia said:

The fact that hurt me was that instead of owning up to his decision for breaking up with me, he instead tried to blame it on me and tried to call me weird and basically a psychopath.

Vordsophia, he was projecting his own pathology onto you.  And I agree with the others, I bet the "sister" is closer to "wife."

Back when we used to date from personal ads in newspapers, I had a guy that I called and a woman answered the phone.  His explanation?  "My sister."  Hmmm... alarm bells ringing!  I thought, "what is a 50-something-year-old dude doing living with his sister?"  Haha.  Yah for sure I did not date that one, threw it back in the pond.

Valuable lessons!  And therapy is always a good idea!  Finding the right therapist can be a little daunting, but when you do land on the right one it is a huge game changer!  Good luck my dear.

A possible ask would be for him to take the equity from his home and invest in yours but only if he wanted part ownership.  If he doesn't want to be on the deed/mortgage then the reasonable thing would be to figure out jointly what his contribution to your equity would be.  You would split up the yearly costs if not equally, then on a bill-by-bill basis or a monthly.  He could buy all the groceries and pay entertainment, etc.  He could accrue for your property taxes over the course of a quarter or a year, according to your local tax collector.  Million permutations.

In any case, it would not be wise to leave these negotiations to post-movein.

It's a lot more difficult to negotiate partner stakes in real estate than other types.  Marriage is the (IMHO) the only status in which I would own RE with someone.  YMMV.

Best of luck my dear!

On 2/7/2023 at 6:11 PM, Trainset66 said:

I went abroad for a while to tend a sick relative and she was sending supportive messages and asking how I was and he travelled over to be with me

Trainset, this sounds like something I would do with a colleague (inquire after his family/wife's sick relative).  Since I'm older now - in your orbit 😉 I don't get that much but in my 30s omg it was bad with some of the stuff I ran into and the accusations/side eye treatment, even though I was happily married!

Now, I'm not saying you have nothing to be concerned about, only you can decide.  You are the only one on this forum that knows your hubby inside and out, and knows if he could be that kind of guy.  If your gut is telling you he's cheating, then what would you do?  If you don't think he is but you just don't like him having a relationship with her, what would you do?  If you think he is emotionally cheating, what would you do?

Another factor could be, do you have your own full life with activities that you are passionate about - job, side hustle, hobbies, girl- and guy-friends <3<3<3, volunteer work, etc.?  Sometimes in long term relationships - (I speak for myself only because I let that all lapse for a very long minute in my own marriage) you forget who you were that made you so fabulous in the beginning to him... and you need to pick it up, dust it off, and re-broadcast the shine that you let dim over the years.  No blame, no shame.  It happens to us all 🙂  There is light at the end of the tunnel.

May I boldly suggest... doing something out of (your recent) character?  Think back to when the flame burned hot in your marriage.  Maybe recreate something?  Do a "callback" moment out at a restaurant or hotel where a significant event occurred?  Use your imagination and pretend just for a second he is your BF and not you husband.

Big hugs and wishing you all the best,

Spin

5 hours ago, Daisychains660 said:

but if he ever did Im the only he’d want them with [me] ...He said but before we consider it  I need to finish school ( I graduate in may)and be secure for at least a year. To be clear I’m not ready to have kids now either but I want to have the option in the future and not regret

Daisy, neither one of you seems too one way or the other about it.  Maybe you can revisit it under calmer circumstances and get clear into which camp you each fall.  You certainly wouldn't want to spend 10-15 years on the fence and then have it potentially be too late if you fall on different sides of the fence.

1 hour ago, Trainset66 said:

They have been texting for over 18 months, sometimes 10 messages in a day

From the outset I can say it seems excessive - and I'm not much of a texter myself - I can understand your concern.

However, as someone in a high-communication type of job, it's not over the top to message, instant message, email, or telephone a colleague that many times per day.  If I'm on a project and stuff starts to go sideways, it could be 20x or 30x.  And after hours too.

When the guys/gals on the job (if I get to meet them f2f) are sweet and kind and have spouses/SOs, yes it makes it more fun to interact with them as I'm married too!  I always ask to treat lunch or dinner if it's possible with the spouse/SO so they can know who their person is working with.  If a spouse or SO thinks poorly of my (personal) connection with a client, then that speaks more to them that it does of me.

Maybe I am naive or silly but... that's my history. Yours may be different, and if so I hope it all works out ((((( hugs )))))

PS please don't be mad at her she is not the source of your pain

4 hours ago, Trainset66 said:

Today I have seen that he has text her to tell her we have just welcomed a grandchild, he text weight - name etc and it has really upset me - am I over reacting ? I am doubtful he has actually cheated on me with her but this seems over friendly.

Hi Trainset!  So glad you posted.  From a married professional woman with many years of experience working with marrieds, male and female, I can say with absolute honesty that my best relationships with bosses and colleagues included this type of communication.  It's a shout-out to our families.

Now, with other more distant people/colleagues or clients, I'm not so open but with the folks I appreciate the most... yes 🙂

Edited to add:  if he were cheating I'm not so sure he would be announcing grandchildren.  More like, hotel in the Bahamas?

Sorry this is happening.  Good for you to go for therapy.  When  you find the right therapist it's such a help and support.

That stinks, eNotAgain.  The writing was on the wall when he went a week incommunicado.  You deserve better...

19 minutes ago, darkkraven06 said:

I feel like I should get my book back but at the same time I don’t want to disrespect myself anymore. 

darkraven, get another copy of that book for yourself and don't give him another thought.  anyone that can't even spare the effort to put a book outside their door, isn't going to make any effort at all.  you are right, you deserve better.  please block and forget, "next!"

23 hours ago, Elle222 said:

he says how much he likes me and he cant understand why im like this. I dont know how to tell him about it, ive tried in ways about things but its not like he really gets whats wrong

well... if he hasn't at least asked/explored what he could possibly do different or better with you, then he's putting it all on you (why are you like this because i like you, it must be your fault, liking you is all i have to do to get bjs on demand, taking care of your sexual needs is optional/back burner).

elle, i'd say this one is curb material.  reclaim that guest room asap!  best of luck to you...

1 hour ago, happygal97 said:

Please can someone stop me from  going into a spiral of negative thoughts

Gosh happygal, that sounds painful... why do you think you "go there?"  Maybe this worry is really just your gut telling you he's not the one.

YMMV - to me texting is for informational purposes only (here's the address; appt confirmed; i've arrived; here is the vendor information etc.), not a way to manage or gauge a relationship (do you still love me; let's break up; are you cheating etc.)  Written and spoken words are wiped out or negated by actions.  As many here on the forums say, "watch the feet not the words."