pregnantkitty_1985

I'm a little concerned that you said this about your guy:

 

 

It sounds to me as though this is more of a problem than your fight with your friend.

 

Your guy wants you to drop your best friend, and he is controlling and possessive. Do you think that is healthy? It's a big red flag to me.

 

Well when we were friends he never actually said drop her, and sometimes would invite her along with us, but a lot of times he'd get angry if I wanted to go somewhere with her to talk, in private, or if I invited her to come along with us on friday and saturday night outings.

Yes, give up your friend, who probably has your best interests in mind and would be there for you when your bf stomped all over your heart, just because some controlling guy wants you to. That sounds like a great way to handle your relationships.

You're right. And she was there the last time I was screwed over by a man, and she's also stuck by my side through all the drama and problems I've been having with the current guy I am with. It's more about the fight though, that makes me consider giving her up, not really the fact that he doesn't like her. I just don't wanna hear it from him though.

Okay, sarcasm aside. If this guy ever tries to insult your friend, you stick up for her and make it clear to him that it's not acceptable. Tell him that you don't need his approval to be friends with someone and that he needs to mind his own business. Go to your friend and apologize for whatever part that you own in the fight you had. Convince her that you are not spineless enough to ditch your friend just cuz some guy doesn't like her.

Sounds like a plan.

...or no?

We got into a fight about two weeks ago, we were all drunk and she got angry because I decided to go to the store with my man. When we got back, I started yelling at her, which she reciprocated. I ended up attacking her (I know, I know, it was horribly wrong, but I was drunk..) and we got into a physical fight.

I know my man is ecstastic because he's never liked her, and has been subtly saying bad things about her to make me think negatively of her, for months now. It's kind of obvious he's been wishing her and I weren't friends. And now that we're not, he's happy because he has me all to himself. He's a bit controlling and possessive.

The thing is, I'm still pretty angry at my friend. Some pretty nasty stuff was said. But, she sent me a message on messenger the other day about seeing my ex (who was completely horrible to me), and how he tried to say hey, but she laughed at him and walked away. She said she knows we're not cool but she just wanted to tell me.

I know that's because A) she misses me, and B), she still, in her own way, considers me a friend, or is at least still loyal towards me. If she wasn't, she wouldn't have acted towards him like that and rushed to tell me DESPITE the fact that we're no longer friends.

Perhaps that was an icebreaker on her part, to see my reaction and see if I was still really angry with her?

I know if I call her and make nice with her again, my man will be mad. He'll start trying to dissuade me from doing so, and will also think that I punked out first. I want her to be the one to reach out to me, if she wants to be friends again.

At the same time, I feel a bit bad about the things I said and did and don't want to give up years and years of friendship over one drunken night.

I just don't want to hear about it. He's going to keep making comments and trying to make me feel bad about being friends with her again, if I ever do become friends with her again.

What is everyone's advice on what I should do?

I wouldn't recommend vegetarianism as a good way to lose weight, unless of course, it's done the right way.

 

Why? Because being a vegetarian may still allow some people to eat cake, cookies, chips, soda, and all that junk -- depending on which type of vegetarian they are (vegan, lacto, lacto-ovo, pesco, pollo, and so on). For instance, a lacto-ovo vegetarian eats eggs AND dairy, so anything made from milk and eggs, like doughnuts, may very well eat that junk.

 

You seem to have done it the better way, though, Kitty. Lots of veggies and soy, whole grain foods (brown rice) -- and you also got some of your fats in there, too.

 

I'm only saying this because a friend of mine did this to lose weight, and she lost zilch-- she was probably still eating all that junk.

Yep I definitely agree with you. Doing vegetarianism the right way is the only way to go. If you're a vegetarian that consumes a lot of junk foods, well, you'll not only NOT lose the weight but will also be unhealthy.

Plus, when you're losing it "fast" as you say, you're typically burning off muscle as well as fat. And it's also a fair amount of water weight, as well. You need to keep your muscle in order to appear toned and smaller. A pound of muscle also burns more calories than a pound of fat. Keeping and gaining new muscle (i.e. as in weight training) is essential to healthy weight loss. I'd try for a goal of two pounds a week as opposed to "fast" weight loss. You'll just end up gaining it back in the long run and probably more.

Eating a lot of protein as the Atkins diet advises can be done.

Just not the way they lay it all out; it's ridiculous. Fatty red meat and all that crap are killers. And your body needs carbohydrates as fuel. But you can eat better carbohydrates your body needs like whole grain wheat (no white.) An example of an ideal meal would be broiled chicken, a salad, and brown rice or something like that. The problem is that it's not particularly nice to some people's palates. That's where non-fat seasonings and such comes in hand. Chicken marinated in low fat calorie free (or close to) italian dressing is awesome. Salad with fat free dressing is also awesome. With cucumbers, onions, tomatoes, lettuce, etc, etc. Add a ton of vegetables for flavor, variety, and color. Just eat a lot of vegetables and LEAN protein; chicken, turkey, etc. Beef can be excellent in some cases, like those beef strips you put in stirfries. (another good ratio of protein and vegetables; stirfry as long as you cook it in a bit of olive oil or that Enola or whatever it's called..)

I used to be a vegetarian and I was thin, which says a lot for such a diet. I ate stuff like vegetable stirfry all the time. I had a recipe for schezuan stirfry. It had brocoli and other assorted vegetables cooked in the schezuan sauce, and you could put it on top of brown rice. I also always made a tofu stirfry, vegetables and tofu and soy sauce and etc.

Ooooh, also you should stock up on Morningstar farms stuff. Their veggie stuff is excellent. They've got chik patties, "ham"burgers, even vegetarian bacon, that all tastes like the real deal. It's made out of TVP, textured vegetable protein and is excellent for you. It's a good source of protein and is low in fat and calories. I loved to eat chik patties on a whole wheat roll with lettuce and tomato, tasted the same to me as a chicken patty.

Ok...perhaps you could try going to counsellors that specialize in rape - it's free in the US and you can even do it over the phone if you want to...maybe those school counsellors weren't top notch and didn't know how to deal much with rape...

 

Also...perhaps you could start writing again if you're good at it you can do something you love and make money of it too

Well, I mean, that thing happened when I was 18, so I was already out of school. I went to counselors for family abuse and stuff during school. I'll look into that stuff though, I just don't feel I really need it or anything. I'll look around though and see what's available in my area. Thanks though- I probably should start writing again. It's way better therapy than sitting on a couch talking to people.

Your avatar is the cutest by the way. Kitty!

thanks again for the replies.

ReadyorNot: normally it would bother me that my husband hugs another female so often but at first i saw her as being really young and did not think my husband could be interested. Yes he does have a daughter from his first marriage she is now 24.

I know for a fact that they do speak on the phone but she is the stage manager for the show so he could easily justify those calls as being show related. I would reallly hate to look into his email and things but I suppose it would help me a bit.

I also went on the age gap forums here and I saw that it is not uncommon for age gap relationships to occur. I just always saw the gap between them to be so big that I did not worry at the very beginning.

No, don't ever discount a female because of her age. So many men don't CARE how old a female is. If she's attractive, she's attractive. I know that when I was a mere 18, all sorts of men would hit on me at the grocery store I worked at. They knew I was young. They didn't care. These men would range from my age to 60, 70! Possibly older! It was shocking to me how many men in their 30's and 40's who would hit on me and attempt to flirt with me when they had wives or girlfriends (which I knew of, as it was a small town grocery store where everyone knew everyone.) Supposedly (according to another thread) it's a biological urge that makes men attracted to girls in their teens and early 20's due to evolution ( ? ... or something ) .... Umm, okay. Whatever. I don't buy that.

Anyway, it's still not right. It's not right at all. In fact it's disgusting. It's disgusting because he has a wife and he vowed to be faithful. (Does marriage vows not mean ANYTHING these days, godf'ingdammit?)

I know you said you wouldn't feel right looking into his emails. But, you deserve to know the truth. You don't deserve all this secrecy and possible unfaithfulness. Maybe there is nothing on, maybe you're one of those more paranoid sorts. I am dating one of those. HOWEVER, if there is any chance in your mind that he might be up to something with this young girl, then you need to investigate. Investigate so you can find some peace at mind. You should download a key logger which will log every single thing he writes. I am going to ask my fiance for a keylogger link and I'm going to post it within the next 3 or 4 hours or so, depending on when he gets home. This program will allow you to see EVERYTHING he types and everything he goes to. It will allow you to hide the program and password protect it so that he isn't aware of it. I think some programs like that will also take screenshots (pictures) so the evidence (or lack of) would all be there.

Of course, as the others said, it could be merely that your husband is infatuated (i.e. lusting over) this young girl. Maybe she does like older men but maybe she has a conscience, maybe she wouldn't dare mess with a man who is already married! How disrespectful to you, if she is or has attempted to. The very fact that she is flirtatious with your husband (or reciprocates any flirting) is disrespectful to you. If I was you, I'd have a talk with that little hussy. Put her to shame. If it is merely your husband who is infatuated, then I still wouldn't let it go, if I was you. It's so disrespectful and hurtful to you. I'm 20 but I know how I would feel if I was in your situation and I can not only understand your situation but empthasise.

I am sorry this happened to you...you're right no matter how wild you were you didn't deserve that!

 

But I do think you should try counselling...how do you know it won't work unless you try it?

 

The thing is you can't go through life not trusting anyone...you made mistakes in the past and got associated with the wrong people...but not everyone is like them, you deserve to be happy and heal don't let those creeps ruin your life by staying alone all the time...

Well I went to counselling and I bonded very well with one woman, who later left the school district for another job. And the subsequent people weren't genuine, nor did they really care. It was nothing but a job to them. I stopped going; my choice. It was doing nothing for me anyway. I do however think it works for some.

originally posted by Juliana Rape survivors often experience flashbacks to their own rapes when reading or watching tv and running accross references to rape. It's called "triggering." Your account of your rape was amazingly well-written; let me just say that for starters. And I am a writer; wow. Your intelligence is just obvious.

Thank you. I have wanted to be a writer since I was a little girl. I was constantly writing stories and short novels and poetry as a kid. As I grew older and entered my teens I even started on some books, and wrote some short stories and poetry and such. I had about 50 disks full of my writing. It's all gone now... I wish it wasn't, I could revise some of my stuff and finish it and possibly publish it someday. It's always been an interest/hobby of mine. Over the past couple of years I have not written much at all, as described in my original post I had unfortunately taken up some negative hobbies which pretty much overshadowed any writing I could have been doing. I would like to start again. I think I have a lot to say; a lot to write about. I've got a lifetime's worth of things I can write about, actually. My life has not been a boring one, to say the least.

Also let me add that it is also evident to me that you are a writer. I'm not surprised in the least to hear you say that. I've read some of your other posts and the difference between your posts and the average poster's is clear.

What's also unfortunately obvious is how scarred you are from these experiences. You're not fine. But that's okay; who's going to be "fine" after what you went through? Your outrage is ringing in every line, and what you said is true; they do know. They know it's rape.

I am enraged actually, now that I'm thinking about it. I've repressed it more than "forgot" really. I didn't realize this until I read my post just now. My fiance went online, because he knows I post on enotalone, and found my post. I had deleted the history but he still found it (he's the nosiest person I've ever met.) Anyhow, he was furious upon reading that post and was ready to kill. I was like, 'calm down, calm down, it's not a big deal anymore, this happened a long time ago.." So, upon rereading my post, I realized that my reaction to his anger was based upon my repression of what happened. I realized just how angry I am about such incidents when I reread my post; I've just been in denial. So I retract my statement, I didn't really forget about it until I read that post, I've just repressed it and made myself believe I had forgotten about it. The fact that you, Juliana, felt the outrage ringing in my written words is enough to tell me that I was merely in denial about my true feelings. I had never forgot.

Your status is a little different from the OP's in that time has passed since you were raped. I think you were actually sexually assaulted repeatedly while you were drunk, and then gang raped. I think you may have been assaulted since. I don't think you can actually tell, anymore, what a normal, consensual sexual relationship is supposed to be like.

I believe that is what happened. I'm just grateful I don't have memories of it, though I know it to be true. Well I'm not quite sure about the latter line, I am in a relationship now with someone who I consent to. I think we have a normal, consensual sexual relationship. But the ex, no, I wouldn't say I was in a normal consensual sexual relationship with. Plus, that guy seemed to really get off on taking advantage of one when they're drunk; he wasn't too interested in sexual relations unless I was drunk. I guess it was a power thing. His overbearing mother left him no room for his own thoughts and opinions, and basically ruled his life. I sumrise that doing such things was his way of gaining what he thought was power & control in a life so restricted and governed by Mommy Dearest. Of course I'm no psychology major but such a thing seems pretty obvious to me. In the end I realized just how disturbed that man really was; I had been making excuses for him because I was attached to him, despite my better knowledge.

I have done some horrifically stupid things. I have made so many terribly wrong choices. I am almost 21. I still have time to change. Because though I have done some horrifically stupid things, and made terribly wrong choices, and associated with some of the most heinous of people; I'm not a stupid person. And I've got morals that they lack. I have compassion; I'm individual. And I am proud of this fact.

Other women in your position have withdrawn from having sex for a period of time (a year or two) in order to break the habit of getting into abusive sexual relationships. While they are staying out of relationships, they take that time to think about what a good relationship would be like, what they think a good man would be like. They hone their understanding of what is and what isn't healthy in a relationship.

 

The trauma survivors primary need is for safety: Are you safe now? Are you in a safe place? Are you associating with people who might physically attack you? Can you get to a safe place? You may need to move to a new community and start fresh.

That sounds like a good idea for such women to withdraw from having any sort of sexual relations with another in order to break such a habit. I didn't do such a thing but it would have benefitted me greatly. I do however know that now I'm not in an abusive sexual relationship. I never really thought about the fact that I was in one. You've shown me the truth. Yep I'm in a safe place and I don't associate (as far as my knowledge) with anyone who would physically attack me.

Writing this out is a great start on moving forward in your own recovery. Because so much time has passed, I'm going to make another suggestion: Start running. You might think that exercise isn't going to do anything for you, but for some reason, the physical act of running seems to bypass logic and go straight to the traumatized part of our minds, and heals us years after the attack.

 

If you can afford it, another great thing to do is to get a big dog. I own a german shepherd. No, I know you don't feel you can trust people, but I assure you, you can trust your dog. For a few years after I got her, I never let her leave my side. She's made a huge difference to my feeling of being safe.

Good advice, exercise releases endorphins that combat depression. I should do that. I'm going to start making time to do so. If not that, then walking. And I've got two fercocious kitty kitties that never leave my side. I love my little babies! I would like a puppy but I don't want to have to keep him/her outside. My cats would beat his/her * * *

I know how you feel; how you want to tell people, "this is not who I am, what you have made me be. I am worth more than that." Well, you are. So look after yourself, because you are an important person, and you have gifts that everyone would benefit from if you begin to use them. Don't fall into the trap of thinking that your sexuality is anything more than a garnish; there is much more to you than that.

Thank you for your words; easy enough to say but I really do appreciate them. Particularly because my family has never been one to say such things; so I don't take such words lightly. Thank you.

Thank you for posting this. I know it can't have been easy, and yes, it does help to hear my thoughts and fears and confusion coming from someone else. While I wish to god you had never gone through this to begin with, I am grateful you took the time to share it with me and easy the loneliness of everything I am dealing with right now.

You can talk to me anytime you need, I'll be around enotalone as I visit often. I find it's the most helpful site I've ever been to. I hope you continue to update us on your case.

Sorry to hear about this engagedkitty, no one deserves this. Hope you continue to heal.

 

FWIW, a train is when multiple men have sex with you, one after the other.

Okay, makes sense then. Thanks for the info. I thought that was it, but wasn't sure. I can't say that's something I'd ever be into!

Kitty,

How long ago did this happen? I have been through similar experiences myself. I realized the problem would continue until I quit drinking. Do you still find yourself in vulnerable situations?

This happened when I was 18. I am about to turn 21 in a few weeks. No, I don't find myself in vulnerable situations now. I don't drink like I used to. I've not completely stopped drinking but I have cut down my usage of alcohol a LOT in this past year. But regardless of whether I was drinking or not, no one should take advantage of that. And the same goes for you. The situations you were in didn't make it alright for anyone to take advantage of you. It could have been preventable, but maybe not. Who's to say? But I understand your point. And I've thought about that often. Like, "if I hadn't of been drinking around the wrong people..." and etc, etc.

To the original poster: I feel horrible for you right now. I don't know you but I understand, I can emphathize. Was going to post this here but went on so long I decided to make my own separate thread. Read it if you would like; I'm just letting you know, you're not alone.

To the other poster who posted about being raped while under the influence:

I can completely empthasize and understand how you feel. I'm going to share with you something that not even my best friends know. They know of the story, but assume it's just rumor, because I denied it when asked. The reason why I wish to share it with you is so you know that you're not alone and there are others who can understand where you've been and how you're feeling. That's not to exclude the others who have not experienced this at all. I know they feel just as bad for you as I do.

But here goes. I was 18 and wild. I was a willllld teen girl. I broke free from the constraints of my parents and then grandparents who were trying to make me into a good girl. Now, you didn't say anything about yourself being a wild girl and I am not assuming that you are. But I definitely was. I was drinking a LOT. I drank as a younger teen but I didn't have the access to alcohol that I had at 18. I had so many older guy friends willing to buy me alcohol and also many older female friends as well. It got so I was drinking EVERY NIGHT, I had a job but I would drink before I went into work. The county I live in is a small one. And in the town I worked in, everyone knew everybody it seemed, and everybody knew the cashiers at the small grocery store I worked at. Everyone knew I had a reputation for drinking; my boss, the other managers, other workers, EVERYONE. Nothing to be proud of. However, this is not what's similar about our story, I'm just giving a bit of prior info so you will see that despite what you did, what you drank, etc, it's not your fault, and hell yes, it was rape.

Anyhow I was with this older guy, he wasn't too much older or anything, about 23 I think. And he would be someone I never would have really considered being with in that way. But he introduced me to all these cool older people who were into heavy drinking and other drugs and it got so we hung out all the time. In fact, it got to a point where he would take advantage of me when we would be drinking. I was kind of feeling low self esteem, not in looks but just in mentality. I didn't feel I was going to amount to anything in my life, my dad and his girlfriend and my mom told me as much. I was classified as academically gifted in school and was tested as such and it was concluded I had a high IQ. But, I wasn't amounting to anything. I had low self esteem about my achievements and accomplishments, (or rather, lack of.) At the same time, I had very high self esteem about my looks and body and decided to use this instead of my brain. There were a lot of guys trying to get with me; older, rich married men who lived in the town I worked; businessmen who had wives and asked me, seriously, if they could be my sugar daddies. There was also the typical teens, both younger and older then me, who pursued me, and then older guys in their mid to late 20's and 30's and ... just, a lot of guys. So I would use that to my advantage and never run out of ways to party and people to party with. I never had to pay for a drink and never had to pay for drugs.

This caught up with me in the long run. And here is where our story becomes one in many ways. Not the beginning paragraph, but what follows.

Like I said, or rather implied, the guy I was with was a (Mod will edit so I may as well say, mod edit) and the whole "relationship" was based upon him taking advantage of me when I was drunk. This somehow created even lower self esteem; I felt I wasn't deserving of a 'good' man who wouldn't do such a thing. I felt that even though he never would have been someone I would have chosen to be with, it was what I deserved for acting the way that I did. At the same time I still attracted these other men who I also felt would be absolute (mod edit) as well, so I might as well stay with him. He didn't really seem to care what happened to me and had left me in the company of other men who would hit on me and try to touch me and stuff while he went on a drug run, several times. Behind my back, he would tell people I was a * * * *, and stuff like that. And I just came to think, well, men don't want me for my MIND.. I was young, I was stupid. Now I don't give a flying (mod edit.) Respect my mind or you don't respect me.

Anyhow, one night I went out with a couple of guy friends. The loser I was with at the time got angry at me ahead of time and told me I could go alone, even though he had expressed that he thought they would take advantage of me. I didn't worry because he was a brother of one of my friends and I didn't think anything of it. To me, they wanted to hang out as friends, not because they had ulterior motives. The fact that they were supplying me with beer the second I got into the car didn't even cross my mind. When we got back to the house, they brought out some liquor. The fact that they took my cup and went into the back bedroom also didn't cross my mind. I trusted them. I trusted my female friend to not let anything happen to me, as well. (Nowadays, I'd rather be alone than have a lot of friends. I've cut ties with many. The list grows longer as the years go by. There is no one to trust; when you can't even trust your own family, your own friends. People you THINK are friends. There is no one to trust.)

I don't remember anything after that. I remember a flash of one of the guys saying how all through school, he had always wanted a chance to have sex with me. I was laughing (insanely drunk) saying no. Thinking it was all a game. I remember a flash of someone pulling my pants down, or something like that. I'm not entirely sure. And I don't remember anything else.

All I know is the next day I was laying in my bed at the apartment I shared with my then boyfriend, with a horrible hangover and a strickening sense of disgust/shame/embarrasment. I didn't know what happened, I didn't have a phone so I couldn't call them and ask. My boyfriend said they had taken me home at 3 in the morning and I came stumbling through the door completely tore up drunk. I had dried semen on my thighs but my boyfriend didn't say anything about us having sex. I got the nerve to ask him later; he said nah, then he said yes, but didn't look totally honest. Maybe he didn't remember; maybe we did. I have no idea.

So the next day I went to work and then came the rumors. Everyone was whispering, everyone was buzzing about what supposedly happened. My boss even came up to me and told me people were going around saying that so and so and etc, had ran a train on me when I was drunk. That I was a freaky girl, and etc. And EVEN MORE men were coming up to me leering at me in the store, I just KNEW they had heard about this stuff. I was furious, I denied everything, I denied I was ever even with them that night. I said it's just talk. Some people believed it, some people expressed doubt, behind my back that is.

It was shameful as hell, to hear these things and want to be able to HONESTLY say, that's bull****. But I couldn't because I didn't honestly think it was.

So I played it cool, I went to my friend's house a few weeks after this incident occurred. She acted all normal, but I knew something was up. She got mad at her brother and finally admitted that they had told her I had given him head and other stuff that night. I asked her, how could she let me do stuff like that when I was DRUNK? She was just like, well they brought you into the bedroom, you were so drunk that you didn't resist, so...

Heh. Needless to say, we're not friends anymore. Who needs friends like that? I could go visit a bunch of criminals at the prison and make better friends, you know?

So one day he came into the store and was flirting with me. A mocking smile on his face the entire time. My boss was watching us with a smirk on her face, so was a lot of other people. I told him to go outside, and stepped outside for a cigarette break. I confronted him; he denied it. He sweet-talked me and kissed my * * * and used our friendship as proof that he'd never do such a thing. He said, yeah, at one point I went to use the bathroom and my pants just happened to "fall down" but he supposedly helped me put them "back on." He tried to claim his other friend is the one who was trying to get me alone in the bedroom, but he came in there and rescued me. Yeah. Sure.

Basically, he knew if he admitted the truth, he could get in serious trouble. He had already been in and out of jail for other minor offenses. But the whole time he denied it, a smile played on the corner of his lips.

I'm not a fool.

Plus, as the year went by, a lot of other people associated with him and his friend approached me, thinking I would do such things with them. Because apparently he went around telling them that he and his friend ran a train on me.

I'm not really sure what running a train means. I do know it's sexual. If it involves penetration of the vagina by one man and another anally, then hell no that didn't happen. I'd know if that had happened, the next day. If it means where one has sex with me and the next takes his turn, then I think that's more likely. I don't know, I have no idea. I'm actually GLAD that I don't know because if I did, I'd still be reliving it today.

For a long while, just the fact that something occurred was enough to bring on feelings of shame/guilt/dirtyness. Also, the fact that people could blame me for it, and there probably wouldn't been enough proof. So I can understand what the other poster meant when she expresses doubt about it being actual rape. (IT IS.) Also when she expresses that there might not be enough proof for this to stand. I understand exactly where she is coming form.

The fact is, alcohol or no alcohol, it should have never happened. These men KNOW we're drunk; you can't be blind to that fact. They KNOW it likely wouldn't be consensual if we were sober, and they KNOW the only way to try anything is to drug us and get us drunk.

This is rape. I don't care how one looks at it. It's morally wrong. It's sick, and disturbing to take advantage of someone who has been drinking.

It just seems a lot of men do this nowadays; why?

But to the original poster, it is not your fault. It doesn't matter that you were drinking, you never would have done this. It doesn't matter what kind of person you were/are (like I said, I was a wild girl but I never would have done that).

I think you do need to tell your boyfriend this. A good man would be enraged that this would happen. If he's a good man, he could never find fault with you for this, he could never blame you, and also, he could never find you dirty. You're not dirty, these men who do these things are the dirty ones.

I know how you feel. It does get easier with time. I would suggest counselling for you if you are into that sort of stuff. I never went to counselling, I think I'm fine now. Mainly time going by. I don't think I'm fine really, I guess it's just that I don't relive it, I have no memories to relive. I am suspicious of all men and their motives as a result. And last year I was a pretty unhappy person, what with the unravelling of the horrible relationship I was in (it was all based on lies, anyway.). I knew all along I was with someone who had taken advantage of me himself, looked down on me, used me, had no real compassion or conscience or morals, yet I found it very hard to leave because by then, for some deranged reason, I was attached to him. You become attached to people for the strangest of reasons. I guess it's like women who won't leave their abusive husbands, in a way. They're attached. I did eventually stand up for myself and left him. Never been back. Never would. I just feel he had a part in what happened, too. He covered for them. I think he was aware that was going to happen but didn't care. I think he figured he'd get 'cool points' for letting them have his girlfriend for a night. I don't know. Not to mention at the beginning when we started hanging out I have flashes of memory of him putting his hand down my pants when I never would have allowed it; like I said at the beginning I wasn't attracted at all to him and never had any plans to be with him. In fact after these incidences and I was sober I'd feel disgusted, I'd be disgusted to even look at him; yet I couldn't stop the cycle. Drink, drink, numb yourself, drink some more, do things out of character because you would rather take the mental abuse than take what someone good has to offer. I've done some thinking and I think it's maybe because my mom has been so emotionally distant and uncaring and my dad has been physically and bordering towards sexually abusive. I think that's why I did that stuff, and why I underachieved, and why I would drink and drink and eventually started messing with someone I never was even attracted to and who I never wanted to be with, and eventually got attached to. I think it's all to do with stuff like that.

Not sure. Anyhow, I have really went on some tangents there. It feels good to anonymously vent. I haven't really thought of that incident in some time; it was this post posted by the original poster that made me think of it. I don't know that it will help the original poster but I'm trying to let you know, you're not alone, some people will not only feel horrible but also empthasize. Good luck on the healing process and good luck on getting the bastard convicted. Even if he doesn't, even if nothing comes of it, you know what happened, you know what he did was wrong. It doesn't matter if you were drunk, it doesn't matter, that man knew it was wrong, that man knew the entire time. He deserves to pay for what he did.

Don't feel bad or guilty about something that is perfectly natural. I am a female and also think about sex a lot. We're human, it's in our natures to do so!

Plus you're 22, that's very natural. And if you're not having sex as much as you used to, or want to, then it's natural to be thinking about it.

One word: masturbation. Also perfectly natural.

However you say your girl doesn't want to do anything until marriage. Are you two engaged? Or do you plan on being engaged to her sometime soon, or in the future? If you can hold out for her, do so. Just masturbate, don't do anything that could devastate her such as cheating.

I've never heard of this myself. And my man has no idea what it is, either. So I also am highly suspicious that it is 'common' .. .

...I'd go to a doctor.

I think he is cheating. He's not touched you in 4 or 5 months and another woman is (clearly) in the picture. It's too much of a coincidence that some other girl is saying "I love you" to him right when he stopped any sexual activity with you.

Trust your intuition. Women are built with intuition for a reason.

Also- he may not necessarily be having sex with this woman, but emotional affairs are something to worry about too. He's stopped having sex with you. Go figure. There's someone else he's thinking about besides you.

If I was you I'd leave his sorry @ss.

in terms of love and attraction,

why are men so caught up in the way a woman looks? Is it that they are just inherently more shallow, or is it something else?

You look like a model. I'll bet you have trouble finding men who are into your personality and instantly base their attraction on looks alone.

So yes, they're inherently shallow.

Is she planning on being a stay at home mom after the baby is born?

 

How long has she been unemployed?

 

Was she like this before she got pregnant or did it start after she got pregnant?

Yeah, that's what I'm saying. What do you expect she will do when the baby has actually arrived? Should she go off to work, when it's her Job to stay at home and take care of the baby? Naaah. You don't seem to realize that this WILL be her job once your child has been born. I do see your point (even though coming from the other perspective in a way) but still.

Good question, the above poster asked, was she like that before her pregnancy or what?

I feel like your woman, lazy, sit at home and don't like to clean. And I also feel domestically challenged or whatever you said it was she said she is.

But daaamn. I do clean sometimes. Heh. Sometimes I get lazy and don't do it. But more often than not (I think), I 'contribute' by cleaning and cooking. And it is appreciated. (It's always easier to do things when you know they will be appreciated- do you thank her when she does the things? Curious. Or make her feel like it's her 'duty' as your 'maid' as she put it?)

MY opinion is yes, if she's at home while you're working, she should contribute by doing most of the cooking/cleaning.

My fiancee said that you should be man enough to be able to work and take care of everything and relax and enjoy her pregnancy, because too much stress can cause problems with the pregnancy. His opinion not mine. I agree too much stress can cause problems with a pregnancy, but some mild housework-- i.e. washing some dishes, vacuuming, straightening stuff up, even doing laundry, isn't too unacceptable to ask.

Heh, but counseling is drastic to solve this problem. She doesn't need counseling. She's pregnant. Pregnant women become fatigued easily. They're often in pain (according to the man) and stuff.

5 years, ain't nothin' but a thang.

Heh heh.

Old enough to set the table...Old enough to eat!

Old enough to go to the store...Old enough to get bread (bred)

If there's "grass on the playing field"...

 

Exactly what part of the "South" do you live in? You may not realize it, but this post about adult men running around after teenage and adolescent girls is perpetrating and validating an existing "redneck" stereotype...I love it! LMAO

 

Did you hear the one about the Arkansas father who forbid his son to marry his girlfriend when he found out she was a virgin? The father simply told his son that if the girl wasn't good enough for her own family, then she wasn't good enough for theirs! LMAO

No, I don't 'realize' it- too busy "muddin'" on mah four-wheeyler and skinnin' hogs. Later I plan to mate with mah first cousins ya hear?

These people I speak of aren't your typical 'redneck'- a lot of the guys I know of doing such things are just normal guys. Southern, yes. Redneck, no. I live in eastern North Carolina by the way and yes, in a redneck country. I'm not one of them, I'm originally from NY as I posted.

However, sadly- I don't know anyone from where I used to live doing such things.

Ew. I don't really *mind* hickies, although yes they look disgusting and tacky. I just don't like it when guys bite too hard.

Okay, but to answer the original poster's question- it will take some time. Invest in some lube.

When I first became sexually active (15 but that doesn't make it right!) the guy I was with couldn't even get his penis inside me. Whether that was my nerves and me tensing up or because my vagina had not yet had anything that large inside to stretch it, I don't know. But over time her vagina will accommodate and stretch so you can fit and have sex normally. It will just take a few times. It actually took me 10 or more times before my partner was able to fully get it in and thrust without it being horribly painful, and that took some lube. Also, someone said foreplay- yes, that's important. Lots and lots.

Don't forget condoms, young man.