antkojm1

Actually I almost didn't go at all. I was invited and planned on going, but when I found out Paul was going to be there, I immediately changed my mind. Paul's aunt and uncle (yes, I know I shouldn't be talking to them, but I am very close to them) talked me into going. If he misses me, then why doesn't he call... Today has now been a week since I've actually talked to him, but I won't call him, I'm just afraid he'll never call me again. A few weeks ago when we went out to dinner, he told me a number of things that I still think about: "I really like the new Joe" "This whole thing has thrown me for a loop, I'm all over the place emotionally" "You are really looking good" That night we had sex. But now its all different. His entire approach to me has changed since he went away for that week. I danced with him because I did want him to be attracted to me. I keep replaying the night, over a month ago, that we wound up dancing together and he was attracted to me, wound up kissing me then going home to have sex. And I want it to happen again. I feel like I'm falling backwards. I just don't understand how he can just ignore me. I'm now the most attractive and outgoing I've ever been. This past saturday was 3 weeks since we last had sex. The first time we had sex after "separating" was after 3 weeks of no sex. I'm so terrified he's going to go have sex with someone else. Arrrrgh.

So friday night, I saw Paul. He was at a friend's house, and I was invited over... Seeing him was strange. We said hello to each other, hugged, and he told me he was drunk, but I already knew that. Surprisingly, I didn't feel any pain, at first. He was making an * * * of himself, screaming at their dog and breaking things. I thought to myself "wow, I'm glad I don't have to apologize for him anymore" Then, we all went to a club, Paul and I in different cars of course. I drank alot. Paul was one of 2 people actually dancing. I made the mistake of going over to them and asking if they minded if I joined them. They said they didn't mind, so I did. After half an hour of that, I started feeling the pain. The pain of seeing Paul dancing again without any inclination towards me really got to me, so I walked away to sit down for a while. I started crying. My friends comforted me, they did their best to hide me from Paul, but I know he saw me for a second, I just hope he doesn't remember it. He left shortly after, apparently because he was feeling sick. I haven't seen or heard from him since. I really hope I didn't screw up too much, or ruin any future chances of getting back together. I don't know whether or not I will actually want to get back together if Paul continues on his current path, but at the same time I don't want to ruin any chance of it happening... I want to call Paul so much. Even though he made an * * * of himself in front of everyone, I still just want to hear his voice more than anything and ask him how he's doing. He hasn't called me since last monday night... Does he not miss me?

Wow, so many things have happened in the last 24 hours... I met my friend Liz for lunch (this is the friend that said I shouldn't give up on him just yet), and she basically told me alot of what I needed to hear. She said that, during her long conversation with Paul last night, she realized that Paul has never really had time on his own to figure himself out. I realized that I had this time to figure myself out before I met Paul (I've lived on my own since I was 17), but Paul never did. She also told me that, as Paul is young for his age, and I am old for my age, the amounts of time needed to develope are far different between us, and I cannot apply my reasoning to Paul. Now, this is profound for me. It really is. I know when I wake up again I will miss Paul, but no longer will I feel the overwhelming guilt. It was not my fault at all that this happened. I heard it from many people, but never from Liz, until now. There was nothing I could have done to prevent this, except for not getting into the relationship in the first place. I didn't let anyone down, ever, in fact quite the opposite, I have been a wonderful and caring person to be with from day one. I showed him the world and a life he dreamed of, and he wasn't ready. Now, on to other topics... On my way to Liz's for lunch, I decided to try calling, once again, someone I was previously interested in (before meeting Paul), but who wasn't ready for a real relationship then. This time, I left a message. Not 5 minutes later he called me back, and sounded quite happy to hear from me. We're going out to a club saturday night. Then, I had one of the best nights of my entire life. My best friend Nick and I decided to go down to DC for a while. We wound up having some drinks, and heading over to the gay area of DC. We went from club to bar to club, meeting tons of people, having a great time. I even got a few numbers. Eventually, we tagged along with a group of people, and wandered around some of the most beautiful places in the city. And missed the metro, so we wandered around until 5am when it opened again. It's days like this you really see how strong of a person you can be when you need and want to. I will never forget this day for as long as I live. I know it sounds petty to some of you out there, but the incredibly eye-opening and profound conversations and events that have occurred today are far from petty to me. I've started moving on. I don't know what I'm really in for in the next few weeks and months, but I'm excited about it.

I've come to the realization that we both lost ourselves during the relationship. I always felt responsible for taking of certain needs he had (that he could have, should have taken care of on his own) and he always felt responsible for taking care of certain needs I had (again, that I could have, should have taken care of on my own). And now, we're both taking care of ourselves. Or at least I think so. I just wish he would be open to understanding this, and that it didn't happen because we aren't compatible, we were just inexperienced... *sigh*

Thank you everyone. Today was rough, and its not nearly over. I went with some friends to the aquarium. I shouldn't have done this, I've never been there without Paul. I was ok for some of it, but right before we were supposed to be going to see the dolphin show, I just broke down and had to leave. I can't stand this up and down s***. Last night I felt powerful, like I could really get over him, but today I don't, I feel at the mercy of his words. I went to see a friend for comfort, who is also a friend of his. She told me it appears as if he has moved on right now, and I need to do the same. Meanwhile, tonight he is seeing the previously mentioned friend that told me not to give up on him, and they're going to "talk." The only reason I am really able to stay out of contact with him right now is because I know its what he wants and needs. I've always tried to give him what he wanted or needed. I hate being alone so much. I have never really been happy while single, and I know that's not healthy but it's how I am. I want and need a partner to share my life with. ...drunk again...

it may be because I'm a bit buzzed at the moment, and I just went out with a bunch of friends that don't like Paul, but I'm realizing how bad he really was for me. Let's see... He's been an alcoholic for a year, he was only working 24 hours a week and complained that he worked too much, while I worked 16 hours a day to pay for the house I bought for him. I always thought he had alot of talent w/ his art, but apparently I'm the only one that thought so. He's spent the past 4.5 years piddling around with whatever he wanted and never making anything of himself, while I did extremely well with my career and provided everything. Maybe this is good, that I didn't waste 10 years with him? I just hope I feel the same way in the morning. I need to. For once, I actually think I would not answer the phone if he called, not because I shouldn't, but because I don't want to.

Ugh, as if I didn't need more conflicting/confusing advice... I was talking to a friend of mine tonight, who has been a friend of Paul's since he was 16. She said "I know Paul very well, and I really think things will work out, he's just really confused right now, don't give up on him yet" *scream* Meanwhile, stuck in the house I hate, that I bought, for him. I feel like burning it to the ground.

so no contact is really the only way to either get over him or get him back? How do I do that? What should I say when he calls me again? He still has alot of his stuff at the house, and he doesn't have storage space for it, and so many of the things we had are in both our names (his car, our cell phones, insurance, etc) how do I split all that up and get him to get his stuff without having contact with him?

because gay men, for the most part, only want sex, and if you're not perfect or at least seem perfect, they don't even want that. it took so long and so much effort to find Paul in the first place, and I thought I would be with him forever

I have considered dating other people... Perhaps a mutual rebound relationship of some sort, with someone in a similar situation? I'm so lost.

I'm just so terrified that I'm never going to find anyone that I will like as much as I like him, and never be able to love anyone again the way I love him... It's so much more difficult for gay men to find good spouses, because so many only want sex. I'm so tired of it.

Mrocza, I did become codependant. But, we did go out and have fun together, when things weren't so complicated with work, money, and life. We had some of the best times of our lives together.... I really don't know if I can say no the next time he calls me and wants to have sex. All the while, until recently, he said he wasn't sure about getting back together but was open to whatever happens and wasn't ruling anything out. I don't know if I can tell him not to contact me, I love hearing from him...

a little background...... Paul and I have been together for 4 1/2 years. I was 19, he was 18 when we met, and he moved in with me shortly after. He moved directly from his parent's house into my apartment, he's never lived alone. I've been successful in my career for the most part, and have usually been able to provide everything we needed. I provided him with the house he wanted, all insurance, cell phone, car, everything he wanted I gave him. Unfortunately I hated the house I bought for him, and it made me very depressed. The combination of that, work stress, financial stress, isolated me. I didn't go out anymore, I didn't spend much time with him out, I only wanted him to stay in the house when I had time and just sit and watch tv or a movie. 6, almost 7 weeks ago, Paul came home and said he's breaking up with me. It was the most horrible night of my life, the first time I had ever actually considered suicide. I begged, pleaded, literally clung to him crying. But I'm over that part. I was able to get him to stay the night, because I really did think I would have done it that night if he would have left then. In the past weeks many things have happened. First few weeks, we talked every day, and hung out, either with friends or alone, every 3 days. On several occasions, he told me that he's not ruling anything out, he even told friends that he hoped things did work out. On several occasions, we had sex. He would tell me I always knew how to make him feel good, better than anyone ever has... So, obviously he's still attracted to me. Last week, he spent a week away with some family in south carolina. I told him before he left that we shouldn't talk or have any communication while he was away. He agreed that it would be best. I told him it would be difficult, that I would really miss talking to him, but that I would be able to do it. When he got back in town, I called him, and told him that I really just wanted/needed to know how he was feeling/what he was thinking. Ugh, what a mistake. He came to the house and we went for a walk. He told me then that he didn't think he ever wanted to get back together. He said that even though he has had great fun with me when we hang out since we "separated", that he "has an impression of me in his mind, that has some negative feelings surrounding it, and he doesn't think that will ever, ever change." He said that the sex we had, and the subsequent sleeping together and holding each other all night was just lust. He said he needs to be alone for a while to figure out himself, and learn how to be independent, because he says he is incredibly insecure about himself. He says he does see, "more than anyone how much you have really changed, you're not inhibiting yourself anymore, you're outgoing and confident again, and you are a wonderful person" Since that night, last thursday, we haven't seen each other. I've carried on with my life, been out with friends, enjoyed myself as much as possible, and decided to let him make contact and not press for us to see each other. He called me that friday night, asked me how I was doing, I said I was doing ok and that I was going out tonight with some new friends. I then told him I had to get going, but that he should call me sunday or monday if he wants to... And he did, he called me last night. Very late, part of me thinks he was waiting to see if I would call him first. I followed alot of advice I've been given to answer questions with another question. He asked "do you have a couple minutes?" I said "maybe, why?" He said he wanted to talk to me for a little bit, and we talked for about half an hour about random stupid things, but it was a nice conversation. Now, when he told me that I needed to start getting over him last thursday, I believed him. I started to get over him. I know how to deal with getting over someone, I've done it before. But then talking to him last night made me still think there was hope. I didn't try to get him to see me or hang out with me, I didn't even try to get him to say when he would call me next. We just ended the call with him saying he would call me later, and he told me to have a good night. My relationship with him has really been the best I've ever had. He is everything I want, he is my type, and he always told me I was what he wanted, that I was his type. The fact that we still have great sex, and we have such fun together, doesn't that mean anything? I know he felt overwhelmed with life the past couple months, but how can he say because of his impression of me, he can't ever get back together with me, at least not for years... I know he needs time, and I'm going to give it to him, but I'm so confused about if I should move on or not... Sorry for the novel...