crazy kid

my whole life sucks. I have no friends, every "friend" I ever made eventually started calling me a loser and a * * * * * *. that's all I ever have in my head, memories of people making fun of me and calling me ugly. I couldn't even beat those kids up because they were the group I hung out with so if I did beat them up then I'd have NO kids to hang out with and I'd feel like crap so I let them mentally abuse me everyday. I could never get a girlfriend, I'm too quiet and loserish for that. All I do all day everyday for the past 2 years is sit on my goddamn computer. I have no friends to go out with. I really would like to be dead seeing as there is no upside for me to stay alive, I have no one to talk to and I am constantly bored. The only reason I haven't tried killing myself yet is because i'm scared that taking a bottle of pills would just ruin my liver but still keep me alive. School sucks for me, I have no attention span and it's impossible for me to learn anything, I am failing everything. I can't get a job cuz I'll be too depressed to go there everyday. I've been taking medicine and been going to therapists and psychiatrists for the past 2 years. nothing helps. all they say is "well the best thing for you to do is keep coming to therapy" * * * I want advice you damn doctors. I don't know what to do anymore.

well i am 16 and there is this girl at school that i like and she likes me too, but when i see her, my face turns demonically red and I can't say anything, and then later i feel like crap and think "you should've said something you piece of ****! HAHA!" and this has been happening for a year. she clearly wants me but i'm so stupid. for 2 straight days I was thinking "don't care what happens, just talk to her, you are god" and my face got way less red and i felt less frozen and like i could've said something, but she had a zillion friends at her locker and there's no way in hell i will survive that much pressure. even when I trick myself to have supreme self confidence of a psychopath by thinking I am god and everyone else is a talking monkey, that does work for everything except this situation because of these nasty panic attacks of fear. is there some way i can stop this gay shyness? everytime i see her i get a little bit less shy, but the difference is so tiny that only an insane doctor can notice. what the **** do I do to stop this?! I feel like dying, jesus christ...