Lansing

The worst thing is when the other person tells you how they enjoy spending time with you, and how they have fun, how they like you, etc ,etc....

Sometimes I wonder if the other person just wants a "relationship" vs having one with me, since, when a person disappears after a while you are like "what the heck happened"...... It has made me trust people's words less.... for sure...

The question is why she changed her interest level... She was definitely interested as she was physically aggressive at the start and I could tell there was attraction there. I held back because I didn't want things to go to a sexual situation so soon. I know that if I had pursued the physical aspect more I probably wouldn't be in my spot. Regardless, I am not going to chase her. I have only tried to call her once over the last month and that was two weeks ago. This e-mail is my last contact towards her as if she doesn't respond, I have no respect for her even as a friend. Plenty of other girls out there.

I decided to e-mail her. I didn't "dump" everything on her. I tried to make the e-mail short enough to get her attention and have her call me back. I feel more at ease now... I have made my effort and if she isn't interested, well, that is her decision.

Now, I can't use the excuse in the future of "well, what if I had....."... I have done all I can.. It is up to her now.

Sex often leads to strong emotional attachment. When you say a student in your class you sound like you are a teacher. I am guessing you meant a fellow student.. but, if you are a teacher by chance, then, well, definitely not! but, regardless, I don't believe in sex for the sake of sex....I think it should be with someone you are in a loving/caring relationship with.

The issue of wanting to talk to her all the time will make you come accross as "needy" . Often our mind invents "reasons" why we should contact someone. (I.e. we think that we may have offended them, or insulted them,etc,etc).

If someone is busy, they will eventually find time for things important in their life. If you don't hear from her, that can say something about their "issues" as much as about any issues that you may have....

By focussing energy so much on this one girl, it will make things "weird" when you do see her because she will probably sense that you have put her up on a pedestal.

As an outsider, it is clear that you should move on. However, it is also a tricky thing to "move on". Do you mind posting what happened with the 21 year old (I just read one of your older threads to get some background). How come it didn't work out? She just wanted something casual?

Next time you are out with him, ask him what's up in a casual way... I am betting he is probably shy.. or that maybe you aren't sending the signals that it is okay. I would ask it when you are TOGETHER with him though in person, so you can see his reaction. If he keeps asking you out, he is 99% sure interested in you.

I agree... if she doesn't respond to the e-mail it is sending a sign... Definitely do NOT chat with her online. Resist the temptation. If you made yourself clear in the e-mail there is no reason to contact her again. She told you to move on so I would take that at face value.

It is HARD when you feel that connection with someone, but, trust me, it will come again!

Why did you break up initially?

Are you looking for marriage? What type of commitment do you want? (or do you mean, him not seeing other girls??)

I think darkblue meant "don't phone her" since I think he has already contacted her enough.....

I think Susser Tod might be taking things to personally/seriously. It was one date. Try not to sweat it too much. I will be honest and tell you that in your posting you come accross as "needy" so you probably come accross as clingy/needy to the girl. Girls aren't attracted to that. I know what I speak of since when I was in my teen/early 20s I was the same way. I have since changed my ways and it has made a world of difference (although, I still need to occasionally fight my temptation to call a girl/etc sometimes)

I agree that you shouldn't send that e-mail (if you haven't already)....

I think you are blaming yourself for EVERYTHING. It doesn't come accross as confident in who you are and that she would want to spend time with you.

Regardless of why she didn't respond, it looks like you tried to make efforts to contact her already. I would suggest that you start dating some of the other girls you meet off that site...

You say for example that you want to be "friends" with her but then you tell her not to worry about you meeting other people!

Any suggestions on how to get through to her that I really do like her. I am thinking I will call her this week. But, I am worried her machine will pick up (i.e. that she may be screening calls).... I am not sure if I want to explain everything on her voicemail!! Maybe I should send an e-mail instead??

From reading this thread and your other one, my advice would be to try not to over think things! Although a lot of girls use "I am busy" as an excuse, you should be able to sense the "vibe" between the two of you. If you have good chemistry, then, don't worry about the busy excuse. Some girls may be shy to initiate contact. I suggest you call and just chat as the other posters said. Don't invite her out to anything, just call and chat a bit (i.e. to keep in contact with her... call once, not 20 times though!)... Then, after her exams are over, you can figure out the next date. I suggest something where you can sit and talk and get to know her more!

Well. I can say the same thing about her. She didn't communicate her "needs". All she did was invite me to sleep over.. .. when she brought up the issue of the "Friendly" vibe, I told her that I was just looking to take things slowly and get to know her better and that I liked her. But, I appreciate Poco's comments. As he says to others , it is a lesson learnt. I had the opposite problem before (like many years ago) where, I would communicate too much that I liked a girl (i.e. buy a girl flowers,etc too early on), and.. I guess now I have gone a bit too far to the other extreme.

I think that telling her she is pretty will probably come off as you trying to get her "approval" by giving her compliments early on... I would wait until you meet her in person to give her any compliments. Plus, I wouldn't give too many compliments anyway. She are probably coming accross as just the average "joe" (pun intended) by the "your pretty" comment. Try to be a bit more creative in your responses... Well, I can't offer much help with the internet dating thing since I haven't tried it but, I just think you should be cautious about complimenting too much. You might come accross as a wuss.

Thanks for everyone's response

I felt things were moving too quick and it made me hesitate because I didn't know her well enough to move things along....

I should say that I just "kissed and held hands"... Things were a lot more physical than that, but, no sex..... I am catholic, and I want to wait for a serious commitment before that... But, since things were at an early stage I didn't know how to communicate that.

I want to clarify that I was FAR from serious with her... We joked and laughed all the time. I was far from a wuss with respect to doing everything she wanted. I just didn't want to have sex with her at this point.

I guess I was hesistant because I wasn't sure if she had the morals/values that I was looking for in a "Relationship" but, we hadn't had any real "serious" conversations about that type of thing. Instead, they were all playfull and joking.....

I think that she has some issues about feeling insecure. She always seemed to be trying to figure out if I was "into her". But, I was thinking that I showed her this by inviting her out to things (i.e. it wasn't me paying/taking her out.. it was us doing things together, enjoying each other's time together). She also questioned me about an evening where she had to cancel on me and asked who I took .... I was joking around and said "oh, another girl... I had to find someone else after you cancelled on me"... In retrospect, it was dumb thing but, I was just playing around (and, I was being honest... I did take a girl that I had met a few months back but never went out with.... It was just as "friends" even though I had been interested in her before..)

So, bottom line, I didn't want to have sex with her (not like she asked me to... that was just the vibe I was getting), but, at the same time, I wasn't sure if she wanted to have sex with me (even though she invited me to stay over.. it could have been an innocent "sleep " invite). So, I didn't want to jump to conclusions and say "no sex" (I guess I could have joked about her not getting me in bed so easily!)...

I am a pretty sarcastic person and she told me she finds me witty.. but, I think because of her insecurities if I was "into" her, it made her confused....

So, any way of saving this? I still don't want to have sex with her.. But, I do want to spend time with her in a "Relationship"... I just didn't know what she was looking for, and for a girl, she seemed a bit too overly physical at the start. So, I was trying to figure out if it was because she really lked "me" and was attracted to me, or, if was just that she was horny... haha

Thanks for the response BeachDude..... I just started reading your thread "Why??" just now..... How did you find out she has a BF now?? I hope things go better for you in 2006... 2006 was starting out well for me, but, then a bunch of stuff changed!

blah, I am so confused......

wow..... I am glad you posted this thread......

It got me thinking about my own situation. I had been over at this girls house a few times and we had been kissing/etc/etc and one time it was 3:00am other times 1:00am or even 5:00am and she asked me each time to stay over and each time I said "I think it is better that I go home" and, I kind of sensed that she felt a rejection... but.... I never really asked her about it.... or commented on it....

Anyway, maybe I was just overplaying it in my head and it wasn't significant.... if SHE eventually calls me back, well, I can talk to her about it (see my other thread)

So, I have been debating whether to post this thread. It feels kind of weird posting my "story" especially wondering if she might eventually ever read this somehow!

Anyway, I dated a girl for about a month at the start of the year. We went on 6+ dates... We are both in our late 20s..... Anyway, a few weeks back, she calls and says stuff like "I am feeling a friendly vibe from you" and, at the time, I never really questioned her about it because I assumed she meant "I feel like you aren't into me" based on some other stuff she has told me during our times together and during that conversation. So, I tried confirming that I liked her (I said "I like you and I wanted to get to know you slowly",etc,etc... (I wasn't being very aggresive with regards to physical intimacy.. I was happy taking things slowly... hand holding, kissing,etc).... So, I was a bit confused when she called me last time, and I sort of assumed a bit from the conversation as I needed to think over what she said a bit to grasp it. Well, I left it for a week (told her she could call me if she wanted to hang out again....) and then I ended up sending her a small little card for Valentine's day card saying I was thinking of her and that I hoped to hear from her soon.

Well, she didn't respond so I called the following week and left a message. No response....(it has been a week). In the message I said I was hoping to talk to her that night and for her to call me when she got the message.....

Obviously, I can't type all the details.... But, I personally get the sense that she feels like I rejected her... (she was saying stuff about how we didn't really communicate during the week during out dates, (i.e.. I didn't call her enough), and how she felt like a puppy dog with me coming around taking her out on the weekend, how she felt inadequate from my teasing/jokes,etc). BTW, she is new to the city (i.e. moved into her new place in December) and she doesn't really know many people...

So, I am wondering how I should proceed. I really want to talk to her. I enjoy her company, and even if she doesn't want to hang out as BF/GF that would be cool with me as I like her as a person and things didn't move too far physically for me to make that change...... But, I am confused why she didn't call me back. I don't know if she is nervous about what I have to say (I feel bad for not addressing her concerns,etc when she called me last time, but, I was reallly confused and needed time to think about what I wanted...). Well, now I figured, I really want to continue seeing her, but, she doesn't seem to want to contact/return my contact!

I am deciding if I should call her again or just leave it be...(EDIT - and if I do call her.. well, if she is screening my call and doesn't answer.. what is the best way to get through to her... I.e. should I tell her my thoughts in the voicemail... or should I maybe e-mail her?)

He is probably "shy" and doesn't want to offend you. Be more flirty with him. I.e. look into his eyes or whatever.... based on what you said, that sounds like me when I was younger... (And still me ... sometimes)

Yeah... I would say, definitely do NOT tell her she is pretty in the e-mail! Even if she is....

So, Sway, what happened with your guy??? I am curious now! You left us hanging!!

If there was a reason you broke up before, the same reason probably will apply now.... You could call him up casually and see how he is doing,etc.. It doesn't mean you have to date him again... but, it depends on if that will bring up lingering feelings...

Just remember, that , having sex tends to lead to a feeling of "connection" unless you are pretty cold and can separate the two. If you like the sex with her one time, what makes you think you won't want more. And then what if she isn't that into sex with you and says "goodbye". Don't you think that will make you feel like crap also? I wouldn't be having sex with this girl to try to make yourself happy and take your mind off your ex.... Hobbies are better for that! Just because you can have sex with someone doesn't mean you should...

My personal opinion.

I can relate to this thread... I was thinking the same thing. A girl is less likely to "pursue" the guy again even if interested (my theory). I think the girl is less likely to initiate calls even during the relationship in most cases.... So, they are less likely to initiate contact after. On top of that, if a girl breaks up with a guy because of her own insecurities then it makes for an even stronger case that she won't contact the guy.

I think girls are likely to maintain "No Contact" also. For example, if someone, anyone, called me, I would return their call.. Well, I think a girl is more used to " I don't want to look overly interested/anxious/etc so I won't call back"... It makes a guy left wondering what she wants!

I am also thinking about this same issue.

I think we "broke" up because she thought I wasn't interested in her. When she told me a bunch of stuff over the phone it sort of confused me so I stepped back from the situation.

I can see how you might be worried about this. I guess, it depends on why she broke up with you and if you communicated clearly your feelings. I think for me, I said that I really liked her and I wanted to get to know her more, but, maybe for a girl, that isn't enough.... oh well, I will give it some more time since she hasn't returned my phone call from last week.