muse

I am feeling suicidal. It doesn’t feel like he understands what I am going through nor does he really care more than guilty because he got caught. How can he say that he thought he would get away with it and then turn around and tell you that he was going to tell you? I cant understand how I could have ever believed what he said.. I really really really let myself down with this one.. I thought I found love.. I thought I was finally going for what I wanted and I am so wretchedly wrong. I just don’t know anymore. Am I just prone to immature sleazy guys??????? YUCK.. I feel so worthless right now.. I can’t even take care of myself.  Right now, I feel like I could take the knife out of the butcher block and slit myself open.. end the pain.. it will not hurt more than I already do.. I will not feel it.. I am so numb.. such a fantastic analgesic – being on the receiving end of infidelity. Scenarios are going through my head right now.. crusted blood on the sheets.. me, pale.. lifeless.. finally mirroring my internal self. I was so full of life.. so full of hope after getting out of hell…. Yes, he said that I was always on a pink cloud but he never understood that I really was on a pink cloud.. life was euphoric.. I wasn’t being beaten every day.. I felt some sort of self worth… I felt so proud of myself for clawing myself out of that pit and here I am again  This feels so much worse, I never anticipated anything like this.. He promised so earnestly never to hurt me, never….. I thought that this what going to be the happiness that I found after going through what I did. God… help me. I believed him.

The STDs... One I've been treated for - however, the infection was pretty severe when I finally had it treated. It ravaged my system for about 2 weeks before it was clinically diagnosed and I was dosed for it. The others, I'm not sure about.. will know for sure once the results are returned. I don't know if it's just paranoia on my part or if the symptoms are really characteristic of the latent stages of these STDs. I do not have HIV.. that I am almost 100% sure of because I would have been seroconverting in DEC or JAN. How scary that I've just uttered those word Here's a lesson in safer sex... 1) There is no such thing as safe sex 2) Condoms, though proven effective to a certain degree, will not completely prevent transmission of any STD. You can and may contract a STD from anyone you have sex (oral/genital) with. The risk goes up if it is a stranger or if your partner does not maintain the monogamous status of your relationship.... sigh... 3) Get tested every 6 months. False positives do exist. 4) Be honest with yourself and your partner. Prevention was key with me. I was so stringent with my sex practices in the past (Always had used condoms, also often didn't have mutually agreed upon sex with ex.. was repeatedly raped.. though he had a condom on.. twisted..no?) so you know.. I guess let your friends know how important it is. I always have even before this happened.. I thought that I would be the last person on earth to get an STD so I suppose what I am saying is protect yourself in any way you can, that if you have your doubts.. protect yourself or at least communicate to your partner why you feel a need to.

He had planned on it, yes. But, everything came out in late Nov, early Dec. We had some time apart before we coould discuss his actions. Needless to say, the subject of marriage was broached.. (as it was something we talked about previously) and I made it clear that it was no longer an option to me nor a right for him at that point. If he were to ask me now? Knowing all that I do, and having gone through what I have... I would say no, of course. I already have one failed marriage under my belt (Although - when I really look at it, that marriage was doomed from the beginning...) so making another huge mistake is not something I'd like to do. I already know that he doesn't respect me (even worse because he knew all my hurts) enough to do something as simple as keeping his d*ck in his pants. Why should I commit myself to a lifetime of doubt? I hear so much bravado in the words that I have just written but I wish it were so easy. I think I'll need complete closure before I can move on anywhere.

And get myself into even more drama than now??? I think I want to be single to figure things out for myself. The guys will always be there.. what I've learned is that this is a lonely world and there is no shortage of people that you are compatible with. I guess the key thing is finding the right one. One who, like I've said before, can celebrate every aspect of you as an individual and every aspect of you as a couple. Dating someone is comes to fruition once both parties realize that they enjoy sharing their lives with each other. Of course, in my case.. reaching that point again will require sooooooooooo much therapy.

lol - avatar girls

He doesn't remember her name, what they spoke about, how she really looked like (aside from vague details), or where she lives. His claim is that she pulled his pants off, they fell around his ankles and she offered her crotch to him and he took it. He f*cked her for about 5 minutes but then decided to stop because what he was doing went against everything he ever stood for. Blah blah blah.. So after reaching that "epiphany" he promptly pulled up his pants and fled from the room. I don't think she was sober enough either to realize what was going on, to tell you quite frankly. The more I look at it, and the more he repeats it, I am beginning to see that he really isn't the type of guy that women would approach. I guess I was just in love with him and blinded myself.

Like I said, I have my doubts as well in regards to his stopping in the middle of it. I just don't think that it is a possibility if he was so into it that he went beyond just making out with this woman to full on sex. One of his excuses in not thinking that he contracted anything was because he didn't "finish". How ignorant. As for his comment, "I already said I was sorry.. what more can I do if you don't tell me?" I would like to clarify that he wasn't angry, just frustrated that the situation was out of his control, that he didn't know what to do after committing such a heinous act. I, on the other hand, was infuriated by this comment because we wouldn't be in this state had he not decided to be so selfish and self-serving, that I thought he would be doing everything in his power to try to make this up to me and himself. He's hurt so many people by doing what he did. Me, himself, all our close friends that believed that he was such a great guy. To give you some perspective into the impression we left on others, it was not unusual at all that female friends came to both of us if they were having problems in their relationships. We were the "golden" couple who could connect on so many different levels and still function as separate units in our social scene if so desired. Maybe it was not good that I didn't display my jealousy more often, perhaps that didn't reinforce the boundaries that we set in place. But, my thoughts always were, I am not his keeper and love is not about possession rather it should be a celebration of who your partner is and a celebration of who you are together.

I have my doubts too about how long it went on as well. I wish I could believe him when he tells me that he stopped himself because he just didn't want to be there anymore I will never know the whole truth until he decides to tell me. I am waiting for that honesty and the rest of our relationship is hanging by that thread because after being lied to about something that destructive, I think I deserve to know anything I want to know about that night. He, on the other hand, thinks that providing too much detail to me will completely destroy whatever is left. What a crock of sh*t. Isn't that awful to hear that he will not even give me closure? I had no doubt that he hadn't done anything like this before, however, like I said.. I was confident that he wouldn't cheat either.

I have been treated for one STD but am displaying symptoms for another. We get the result of the tests back sometime this week. Based on the STD that I had, I know that he must have been having sex with her for at least 2-3 minutes. If he was screwing her for more than the 5 minutes he did before he claimed to have stopped, then the risk of contracting more severe STDs is even higher.

I was due to visit his family the week after it happened and needless to say, I don't think he wanted to open this can of worms before I arrived. In addition, I had several ongoing projects that were very important and the stress of his confession (as he says) would have prevented me from performing well. Unfortunately, it all came out right before the most important week and I failed miserably because of the symptoms of the STD that came out and the inevitable confrontation. He was going to tell me but wanted to wait until things got to a less stressful point for me. I would be lying if I said that I didn't love him. He wants to do whatever possible to make this up to me but I just can't see how he can. What makes me even angrier is that for a while there, he was saying.. "I already said I was sorry.. what more can I do if you don't tell me?" I would think that he would do everything in his power to...... The deed has been done, my heart is broken and now I have an STD - the results are due anytime now. Our relationship is broken as I see it now and I don't know what to do to fix it. BTW, the reason why his cheating was so unfathomable to me is that he'd picked out a ring in August and had planned on proposing to me on New Year's Eve. (This I know from close friends who helped him plan it out) We had our little tiffs and fights but I thought we were stronger than that. Right now, I have asked him not to discuss this with anyone since (so we can work through this without our friends knowing) but I'm not sure that it is such a great idea anymore. At this very moment, he is actually on a business trip returning to the same city (later on this week) where he did this. I am a mess but at the same time, I feel myself not caring The same questions are still plaguing me: 1) Am I getting the entire truth about that night? 2) If it was so easy for him to cheat (after knowing this woman for only 1 hr at the bar) and if it was it was so easy for him not to stop after making out with her, how many times has he done this before? 3) What was it about the other woman that made him think that he couldn't pass up the opportunity? I am beautiful, smart and the best girlfriend anyone could ask for but he wanted to screw someone who he didn't really think was that hot? 7 on his scale - What's the point there? I'd like to think that I was his "once in a lifetime" opportunity. I can't see how he can say that he loves me so much. 4) If he can't come up with a reason (without my leading questions) as to why he did it - what does that mean? 5) Could he have truly been so hammered that this happened? We didn't even have unsafe sex until after a year of dating and he has unsafe sex with some stranger????? I hate feeling like a victim... but I feel myself falling further and further into despair

I entered my relationship with my current bf of 3.5 yrs after a very physically, emotionally and mentally abusive marriage in which my ex-h cheated on me continuously and made frequent trips to prostitutes. Thankfully, when I left that marriage, I tested negative for any STDs. Unfortunately, my soul had a bit of healing to do after going through five years of battering. I met my bf and we hit it off. We had so many common interests, liked each other and all in all, I thought (and many others) we had the perfect relationship. We loved each other, understood each other, knew what our insecurities were and worked earnestly to be a source of support, love and comfort for each other. We promised each other that we would always let the other person know if things got to the point that cheating. We were working towards a future together. In the last year or so, things weren't the same.. He used to say "I guess the honeymoon is over" when we got into fights about normal things like our schedules, household chores, etc. It started out that I felt that he was being more distant and I attributed that to a recent promotion that came with more stress and twice the workload. I just didn't get his attention when I needed to talk to him about what I though was wrong in our relationship. Don't get me wrong, we still had a lot of fun together, but IMO it was a way to hang on to whatever connection we had at that point in our lives (which was full of stress from both ends). In spite of all that, and what some others though as disrespectful flirting on his end (I allowed it as he felt that it was his way of feeding his ego as he never felt that he was very attractive - I had enough self-confidence to know that it was harmless - wish I thought differently) I felt we still had a connection, I still felt that I was the only one he had eyes for. I still felt loved. I still felt beautiful. I always thought that we would be able to work through anything because I trusted him and knew that he loved me. Everything fell apart... He went on a business trip and while there, we had a few small fights due to 1) My insecurity that there were prostitutes that propositioned him last time he was at that location and the memories of my ex as well as the actions of my some of my male friends. I trusted him implicitly but I couldn't help but to make sure that it was a route that he wouldn't take. 2) Stress from ongoing events in our life 3) Lack of communication from him while he was so far away. It is normal for him to go out to the bars and clubs by himself if he is traveling by himself. I never gave it a second thought. I didn't want him to stay in his hotel room if that was something he didn't want to do. My stance had always been that he was responsible for his own actions. I trusted him enough not even think about controlling his whereabouts when we are apart. After all, I am not his babysitter, I am not his parent and I trusted him. He also often reminded me (and others in our circle) that cheating was the most demeaning and worst thing someone could do while in a relationship. I was diagnosed with an STD not long after he returned and not by any infidelity on my part. It all came out.. He was completely trashed at a bar there when he was started talking to a woman who went up to the bar to buy a drink. He bought her a drink, continued on his usual spiel, talked, flirted and before he knew it, he agreed to go back to her hotel so they could have another drink. Come on now…. Like he didn't know what was going to happen there!!! He thought that it would be an ego boost, was intent on continuing to receive the flattery he got from this woman and thought that he would leave after the drink. So, they were in her hotel room having more drinks and it lead up to making out and eventually sex. I am crushed. Not only did he do something that went against everything he told me and everything that he believed in but I am now at risk of infertility as a result of his actions. I asked him why and he said that it was his intoxication, the thrill of being so blatantly pursued by someone different who in his words was not hot but not "unattractive" but was so direct in her advances that it made him feel attractive that it became very difficult for him to not want to have sex with her. When it did eventually get to that point, it wasn't until after he realized what he was really doing that he stopped (after five minutes of f*cking???? – I should think that it would take less time and even being in the hotel room with her.  ) pulled his pants up and fled the room. I am obviously still trying to figure out what to do. I can understand how he may have had a moment of weakness in light of his insecurities… e.g. he's overweight, his temples are greying, etc. but I had done everything in my power to try and make him feel better about himself. I would consider myself to be very intelligent and also attractive based on the amount of attention I receive from other men. I am quite a bit younger than him, though 7 years is not a huge difference when you are in your late 20's, mid 30's and cannot understand for one moment how he could sacrifice our history and my heart for the sake of a half-complete one night stand. I am at wits end and I no longer feel like I have very much to live for. I need help… Can anyone explain to me how and why this can happen or why someone who was so against it and claimed to be in love with me, do this to me? He was so drunk that he didn't even think to protect himself or me  I am waiting for the results of additional tests and do not know what I will do when I get the results back. Someone help please.