Sindy_0311

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

And I think he generally has a pretty good understanding of both female nature and male nature which makes him unique and why I look forward to watching more of his videos!

I think I watched them all in the past two years. Indeed he has also been coaching men for a few years which adds a great value to his content.  I’m not really a believer but what he says always speaks to me a lot. It’s not only about love and romantic relationships, but also about healing from the past, become a better person, improving communication skills, trying to understand and accept people…etc… Sometime I just put my earrings and listen to his podcast while cleaning or doing something just to hear his voice that I like so much. It’s so comforting. Definitely my YouTube crush 😍

3 hours ago, LootieTootie said:

I do like the video, but I don't think I would recommend it to anyone single and is out there dating with intention. 

Thank you for watching. I'm being curious, why wouldn't you recommend it?

I definitely would because it helps understanding the new dynamic everyone seems to complain of and that it has nothing to do with one's value on the "dating market". I'm dating, with intention sometimes (depends on the guy), and I found this video very helpful to better understand why men (or women) became more lazy. 

Now for the future of long term relationships its not very encouraging, I agree, but at least we understand that it's just a general tendency and that it (again) has nothing to do with our own value as a person. 

4 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I'm curious what do you think?

Well I usually agree with everything this man says so I do agree with what he said in this one.

Maybe it’s a bit to simple but I truly think that technology is signing the end of long lasting and committed relationships (by technology I mean men becoming more sedentary and thus testosterone decrease, the use of porn, the online dating thing, the comparison/competition on social media and so on…) it has been surveyed that women are more driven than men to get committed relationships, so maybe we (women) won’t be able to sustain them if they (men) no longer find any assets in entertaining those kind of relationships. 

Just wanted to share this very interesting podcast I just watched 

7 hours ago, kim42 said:

 it was obvious that I was hinting at going to that bar with him.

Yes I think it was obvious. but he didn't take that opportunity.

From my experience, when you mention a place or an activity to do in a conversation, men often jump at the opportunity to ask you out, it's a classic, such an opening. 

He said he would arrange a group outing, he didn't do yet... He didn't ask her out when she mentioned the bar, I think its fair to say that he is either lazy or not really interested... I wouldn't try anymore. 

1 hour ago, LovelyRoses said:

Here is the message he sent me ‘Hey, Some bad news to share from my side, that has come completely by surprise. The company I work for presented me with a settlement package yesterday, paying out my notice period and therefore with an almost immediate finish date. I'm not sure if I've explained my skilled worker sponsorship/ visa conditions, but it is dependent on my being continuously employed by a company holding a sponsorship licence, in a certain type of job role (insert job name here). The conditions of my settlement package creates a need for me to rapidly re-evaluate my life here in the UK, and an incredible amount of pressure to find a plan that allows me to stay. As you can probably guess, this is a difficult headspace to be in with limited clarity at the moment. I can only apologise for how this probably changes the expectations between us considering the recent time we've spent together. I'll need to take a few days to talk to solicitors, look into new work opportunities, etc. I'm really sorry, but I don't think I'm in the right place to come down to London tomorrow. I hope you're well.

Wow this is a huge long text! Why didn’t he take the initiative to call you to explain the situation instead of sending a novel? Because he didn’t want to discus the situation with you or having to answer to some of your questions. he just doesn’t care enough. 
 

ps: some men are liars and manipulators… and others are just not that interested… I think you should read some books or articles, read some podcast about dating nowadays, how to avoid getting played by men or dragged along, how to recognize red flags and so on… search YouTube, google whatever but please protect your heart and your time from manipulators… 🙏

20 hours ago, Mike Robert said:

I did it because it was the right thing to do in my mind because I want to continue talking to her and we became exclusive so I felt like it was the right thing to drop these habits. 

Does she know about your habits? Are you doing it to please her? 
I have been dating many man for the last two years (I’m 40) and I never asked what they were doing when I wasn’t with them. Meaning if they watched porn, I had no issue with it. Most of the men I have been dating were into this and I think it’s something natural. I have no right to judge them or ask them to stop doing it. I also have my habits and I wouldn’t stop them just because I started talking to someone. It’s part of my life as a single woman and it’s important for my own well being and psychological sanity.
Now if you are addicted to it, it’s another issue. And cutting it of just because you met someone online won’t cure the addiction in the long term.
i don’t get it why you stopped it… Can I ask why you cut it off? Are you ashamed? Or is it because it’s an addiction? 
Did you ask her whether she likes porn? Maybe this is something you could enjoy together… 

Hope you both will enjoy the first meet!!! 

11 minutes ago, kim42 said:

Yes but he's still a coworker so I have to take that into account and be cautious with physical contact.

Slightly touching arm while laughing is not forbidden that I know, but it works very well to show someone you appreciate them. It’s IMO the best way to break the physical barrier on a date, especially with a coworker. It’s not aggressive, discret and most important: non sexual… 

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

He doesn't need a neon sign that says "I'm available". That's for dates not outing with coworkers along. 

I think we are having an issue here 😁 How can she give him a green light then?

47 minutes ago, kim42 said:

As I said, I'm not sure I gave him indications of interest, from my point of view I didn't do anything that could indicate clear interest, apart from being friendly. 

Maybe next time you could try strong and long eye contact, touch his arm while laughing, give a compliment or two… play with your lips while watching his, touch your hair, let him see you neck by tilting your head a bit on the side, caress your arm with one hand while listening to him,  tease him a bit and be slightly flirty… these are great signs of interest while interacting with someone. I don’t think you need to do more… it’s all body language. 

46 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

  How is it pushing, can you clarify?

I was referring to send him a text for the after work. 

22 minutes ago, LotusBlack said:

I’d send him a message/email to again thank him for reaching out to you to grab coffee and that it would be great to go out for those drinks with your colleagues and then perhaps suggest a potential time/date if it is convenient for everyone else.

I disagree. If I understood well, Kim doesn’t know the other coworkers that well, and she is invited to join for the next after work they will plan. Not her job to arrange anything… is that correct kim? 

33 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Yes!  It was many years ago when I was super shy and anxious, I was actually diagnosed with GAD at the time so I was anxious about everything!  

I was also, not proud to admit, quite entitled.  I fully expected men to chase me without me doing a damn thing but existing as I posted earlier.

There were two men that I recall who I really liked.  One I dated for 2-3 months (can't recall exactly it was many years ago) who ghosted me.  I was quite crushed.  But I let him go and a couple of months later, he reached out and we talked.

He admitted HE felt insecure because the vibe I had been giving him was of disinterest, so he stopped pursuing me.  He asked me out again at that time, but I had begun dating another man so declined.

Another man, a dentist, I also REALLY liked.  He also ghosted me for the same reason.  My girlfriend had set me up with him as he was a friend of her boyfriend's but I had such a sense of entitlement (again NOT proud to admit) that again I didn't feel I had to do ANYTHING but exist and he should continue pursuing me.

He told my girlfriend (who had set us up) that he could never get a good read on me for this reason and he stopped pursuing me.

Anyway, since then, I got over my sense of entitlement (along with my shyness and anxiety) and realized that men need encouragement too, especially early stages, dating is not just about "men chase/women respond."  Both are equal participants and as such should show interest and make effort in different ways.

@LootieTootiesuggested you mention the group meet again in a casual way, but I am NOT even suggesting that.  Just simply be open and friendly when you see him, smile!!  

Nowadays, and not to brag but I cannot recall one man whom I have had an interest in who has not asked me out for a second date.

I had a date last Saturday and he asked me out again the following day.  He is very nice, successful and attractive but I am not romantically interested in him so declined.

Yesterday, a sales person from a deposition reporter's office came to our office and I was my open and friendly self and HE asked me out for lunch tomorrow.  

He's around 10 years younger than I (mid-20s) which is too young for me, so nothing will become of it, but my point is, if you do nothing, nothing is gonna happen.

That said, I just learned from others that you have been open and friendly and gave him indications of interest and he still hasn't budged, so again best to let it go.

Be professional at the office and that's it.

Thank you for the reply. 

So basically these two men ghosted you, which to me speaks loud, they weren’t that invested either. IMO If they really liked you, they would have addressed your behavior or tried to peal the layers instead of ghosting you immaturely. And these two «high value» men (forgive my sarcasm) I assume you have been kissing them or maybe you even had sex with them. So yes, at this early stage, you showed a level of interest, and the only thing you could do it is exist… Their lack of curiosity/investment just emphasized the fact that they were not best for you…

According to Kim, I suggest she waits a bit longer… No need to push things at this point. 

56 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Again for me I've had men tell me, due to my shyness and anxiety, they couldn't get a read on me and assumed I wasn't interested.

Just being curious… were you dating these guys? 

49 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

But be open, be friendly, give him a green light so he knows you're still open and interested in going out again. 

IMO she already gave him a green light, twice: first when she accepted coffee and second when she said yes for the after work. At this stage ( two coworkers  who has coffee once) I would leave it at that, be cautious and not try to push things. 

47 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

But @Sindy_0311, he did suggest another get together, albeit a group outing rather than a date. 

I would reach out to ask if the details had been set. If he's vague or noncommittal then I wouldn't ask again. 

She already said yes. So I would let him reach out when he knows the details. (I assume it’s not the case yet, so no need to ask…) just be patient. 

30 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

There's a reason why and I'm just wondering if HE sensed a lack of interest and/or enthusiasm on your part.  After the coffee meet.

I think it’s always dangerous to say that she might haven’t shown enough interest. This is exactly what leads women to pursue men that aren’t that into them. OP showed up for the coffee, she engaged in conversation, laughed with him, accepted the after work drink… what else/more should she do?? Nothing IMO. 

12 hours ago, LootieTootie said:

Might be too much but I've always felt that if you want to find someone, you gotta be proactive too.

I don’t know. I don’t believe in being proactive this way. I had a date once with a guy who works same field, knows my boss etc… we initially started talking together on an app until he suggested to have diner together. We had a lovely evening, talking a lot about work, travels and our lives in general. He never reached out after that if not for work purpose. I reached out once and he didn’t follow up with the conversation. We never had a second date (that was 6 month ago). I learnt after that he was going through a difficult time. 

Also met this guy, the famous coach two weeks ago, we have acquaintances in commun. The date/meet was great too, but outside of wishing me well for my surgery last week, he didn’t reach out or asked me out again and its ok. He has his own reasons. (Maybe his recent breakup) The thing is, outside of being open, kind and answer to texts/calls, I think women shouldnt be proactive after the first meet. In your case, the guy knows he has access to you, he can text you and suggest going out to this after work drink without taking the risk of being rejected or coming on to strong and even like this he doesn’t do it. He had the balls to ask for coffee right? And now that it should be easier for him to see you again, he makes no move. I would take as a « not that interested. » at least for now.

For me, a good way to approach these situations that seem to lead nowhere is to consider that I’m planting a seed… this is my point: you go out with a man, he learns to know you better, he might enjoy you, but for whatever reason (recent heartbreak, commun work environnement or him struggling with anything in his life or better dating options) he isn’t willing to go further for now… Maybe in a few month he will be ready to date you, you never know. But most important is to take every opportunity to plant a seed… Now, this doesn’t mean entertaining men through text or anything during months in hope of something coming out of it. You go on a date and if they don’t ask for a second one, you step back… IMO me it’s a healthier approach. 

15 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I understand wanting to be in touch daily when you're an established couple -that "old fashioned" approach.  But you're not a couple in that sense -at all.  Sounds a bit too insta relationship to me and I'm glad you're dialing it back.

I think this is what dating looks like in 2024. If you dont reach out daily or every two days (at least) you are considered as an exception or not that interested. JMO 

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

^^So if a man is coming on intensely, texting morning and night every night and the woman he's dating tells him they need to slow down the pace, he should still maintain the same pace?

I don't agree with thar AT ALL.  It's completely disregarding her feelings and request to slow down.  It's disrespectful. 

The question here is whether OP has to slow down texting or other stuff, like initiating dates, talking about parents, future plans etc… OP, tell me if I’m wrong but she said she enjoys your texts, and she « introduced » you to her mom and a friend of hers right? I don’t understand what exactly you have to slow down here…

I use dating apps only for casual dating… I know that if I meet someone through an app theres a higher chance that it won’t lead to a serious relationship. IMO, people trying to find true love on dating apps are the one who are new to it. After 3 or 5 years of using them, if you are smart enough you realize that the process itself (after a few years you become disgusted by it…) and the competition (you can always find better) These are not sustainable to find true love… (except for the exceptions to the rule…) 

So just use them to make new friends… 

On 4/14/2024 at 5:29 AM, Jaunty said:

Have you read the novel, "Th Age of Innocence"?  It's great.  

It's much more a social commentary than a love story and IMO Scorcese nailed it.  

I’ve read many of English novels, Brontes and Austin’s books, also Anna Karenine and others… which are also interesting social commentaries. But I will definitely read the Age of Innocence…

9 hours ago, JamesTaylor7892 said:

I just get a gut feeling she's still not sure what she wants from this, and still doesn't fully trust me given she's been hurt previously like she said. 

Wow!! Three weeks of dating and you already talked about meeting the parents and meanwhile she says she doesn’t know what she wants from it? To me, she sounds like someone who didn’t heal from her past relationship and is getting into something she can’t manage. She is inconsistent, tries to act cool and is seemingly playing games, which are behaviors that often lead to sabotage (believe me, been there, done that…) 

My advice is you stay consistent. Don’t change your texting pattern. If you want to send her a good night text, do so. When she declines an invitation, instead of suggesting another date, just tell her to reach out to you when she is willing  to see you again. Also, try not to talk to much about past hurts or big emotional stuff in early stage. Keep it fun, lighthearted for the first two month. And once you start to know someone better, open up more… this girl has been in your life for 3 weeks, don’t give her to much credit from the jump. Remain skeptical, but kind. Observe, and decide whether she is a good match for you. If her behaviors makes you feel uneasy, address it. And if she doesn’t correct it, then decide to move on if you have to (the sooner, the better) You don’t owe her nothing. someone said something funny that goes like that: I’m sure the jar of jam you have in your fridge is older than this relationship… 

IMO you did it all right. Now the ball is in her court. The key rule here is: don’t invest more than she does… 

Good luck to you! 

On 3/31/2024 at 1:28 PM, Batya33 said:

Edited to add -there is a lovely old novel that was also a movie called I Remember Mama about a struggling family and how she made sure they felt secure.

I watched the old movie (1948) inspired by the novel 2 weeks ago. I really liked it, but most of all, it made me wanting to watch more movies lately.
I had my legs surgery earlier this week and plenty of time lying on my couch... So I decided to watch some of my favorite movies which I didn't do for a long time. I always enjoyed old ones, musicals, love stories etc. Surprisingly, the love stories that I found so beautiful before have lost their magic. The characters are all so complicated. The ones I thought were in love, actually are not. Often it's lust or the fantasy which drives a story which ultimately reaches a dead end. 

People often compare their love stories to those in films and novels, wanting to experience the same feelings. But I have to say that I found nothing transcendent in the ones I watched this week. the most telling example is the Scorcese "The age of innocence". At the end of the movie, the main character decides to walk away from the woman he has been secretly loving for years when he finally had a chance to be with her.  “She didn’t turn around.” At the end that was all that mattered. This whole story is based on desire, there's no deep love. Everything is based only on the stories the main character tells himself, images like all the paintings and the theater present in the film... 

Worst movies of all, Pretty Woman... Is this actually a love story? I only see two incompatible characters getting into a relationship based on nothing but lust and desire. The proposition of Richard Gere to buy her a horse and get her an apartment et.... How can a man who has respect for a woman say that to her. This is so disrespectful and reveling the truth about his intentions towards her. I wonder why this sentence never shocked me before.

I'm becoming so skeptical. I was a lover of love, but I think that I no longer believe in it... not even in movies... 

5 hours ago, MikeB12 said:

"Good evening. Unfortunately I can't seem to get past it. Best of luck in love"

Now she made it clear she doesn’t want to give it another try. She wished you well and now you have to move on. I previously said that you could try take things with a slower approach, but that was before she send you this text. 
I also agree with the fact that good connection isn’t always a two sided thing. You can feel something special, assume the person you are dating is feeling it to when in reality it’s often not the case. The only thing you can rely on while dating is the other persons willingness to see you again for a 2nd 3rd date… good luck to you! 🍀 

I usually kiss guys I like on the second or third date. The reason to this is simple: if I kiss a guy on the first date, the second one will automatically start with kissing and physical contact when in fact I’m not ready for it. I rather talk more than spend time hugging and behaving like a new couple which makes me feel uncomfortable. Maybe she wasn’t aware of it, and thinking now of the second date, she is afraid you both will be closer from the jump. What you could do, (if really the issue is the kiss) is tell her that you would enjoy meeting her again and would respect her pace for physical contact and leave the kisses on hold for now… suggest a second meet to know each other better through conversation. If she declines, then probably the issue wasn’t the kiss and you caught her at her own game… 

17 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think it's - open of him to lead with where he is right now in life.  I think if he were your coach and not your first meet/date he'd tell you - run now.  (At least for now). I'm not such a fan of veering toward a first meet being a therapy session as he seemed to maybe do?

I couldn’t agree more…