PuzzlePieces

Well things are great today! Woke up feeling good...had a decent sleep (cuddling one of his shirts ). Sent him a text mid morning wishing him good luck today (he starts his race at midnight tonight) and to be safe, and let him know forecast changes so he won't have rain. Did some online looking for a birthday present for him...found some great ideas so will do some ordering tomorrow at store. Then he called me at lunchtime to say he was on way to race course area, and that since he did not know how reception was out there, that he wanted to talk to me and say I love you and all...we had a brief talk about our respective days, and about his race, I wished him lots more luck, we joked about birthday presents (both our b-days are coming, and he has not had time to even think about stuff!) and said more I love you's and I told him to be safe, and have fun.... He'll call me Sunday when he is done race So all was good, and normal and awesome. Now I just need to worry about him until Sunday that he is careful! Within the 36 hours he will be white water rafting, rapelling, biking, trail running, hiking..and since I am not there I get worried..even if I do all the same kinds of things..lol. I'll keep myself distracted biking and going to gym tonight, studying and repeat all the same tomorrow plus shopping for gifts! Thanks all! Can't wait to see him!

Okay quick update before I head off to bed! Just talked to him...he called me before he heads off to bed himself to prepare for his adventure race, and his voice was very excited when he called, said he loved me right away (and of course I said the same back!). Talked briefly about our days - he was driving all day, told him mine was okay but long...which he said he could definitely understand. Exchanged I love yous, and just discussed a couple other "normal things" or what have you. We did not say too much about last night, I did mention that I saw he had that picture of me he likes up on the computer, and he told me that he had it up last night...he opened it to look at it to remind himself that he did not always make me sad... . I said he does not make me sad, that I think sometimes we just tend to miscommunicate things. And he said right away " i think that is it, we do that, and also sometimes just make assumptions right away without talking about it". I agreed of course with that, and said something along the lines of I think too we just both also let our insecurities lead towards those assumptions, even when they are not really necessary...which he also felt. Then I said we are both stupid sometimes - in a nice way! We just kind of left it at that and moved on to just saying we would miss each other this weekend a lot, talked about next week briefly (camping trip), and about our upcoming birthday plans (um..still need to find gift!). I told him to be safe, have fun, and don't give up out there...and that was pretty much it. He is going to try and get them to leave early Monday so he can be home earlier (it is a 14 hour drive) to spend more time with me other than sleeping..so we'll see how that pans out...then just an exchange of sweet dreams, love you's and that was it! I feel much better, now I just miss him like crazy for the next few days! This will be the longest we have ever had to go totally non-communicado, even though we have both traveled apart a few times. Obviously we do have to work on those things that cause us to let things build up and talk about those expectations and solutions next week, but I feel good now, and I think he does too. Your posts have really helped me a lot, and given me some GREAT foundations for talking with him next week about it. Phew...thanks everyone sooo much!

Thanks for the reply melrich! Yes, we have been living together for...five months now...but there has been some changes recently with me making plans to go back to school and such which I believe may be stressors, and me being unhappy with work, and him as well being frustrated with work. It is not so much a matter of "adjusting" to those daily things, those are part of the things we love...but you are right, the routine does get to you maybe...however we do plan date nights (aim for once a week). Sometimes though it seems you don't have ENOUGH quality time, and sometimes instead of staying up late like you do when you are dating..you just need that darn sleep..lol. For the record, I don't pester him when he is like that, I do let him know once I know/feel something is up that I am there for him if he needs, and give him space...sure it hurts, but to be honest I can be the same way sometimes so understand... . It takes me time to sort things out in my head too....honestly I think both of us have a hard time talking things out sometimes, even though we are supportive of one another doing so...make sense? Your post helped a lot, knowing it is normal. I have never lived with someone before, so it is all new to me too I think, but don't get me wrong, I absolutely love living with him. I love coming home to him more than anything. But maybe we are still just adjusting to new stresses, I think we both need to take your advice...I really don't worry about things like dinner, but if I feel like he is stressed and unhappy, I get the same way and get down on myself...he does the same. I absolutely know we both feel the same, he send me a couple texts today too letting me know he loves me and does believe I am the one for him...so it is not all in my head...I am looking forward just to hearing his voice tonight, he really does make my heart flutter, even when we are not having the "best" time...lol. I don't think either of us make a big deal of stuff in general...but somehow we let things build...and they turn into big deals...in a lot of ways, we are too much alike... . We absolutely also know it takes work...we just have a tough time figuring out sometimes how to approach it Thank you again!

Thanks again Hope, that post was very helpful too...I am breathing much easier now! I should make something clear too...we are not in a "rut" sexually...we do experiment, both enjoy sex, and pleasuring one another. There are weeks we do it every night, and then if there are one or two where we don't...suddenly it is a rut..lol. I DO indeed "take him by surprise"...a couple nights ago I jumped him out of nowhere, and he was smiling too by the end....but he seems to get in a rut sometimes (with work or whatever) where he tends to see things more negatively. I am not sure if it is just because he is feeling unfulfilled or frustrated with work that it seems that everything is like that or what. Make sense? It just seems sometimes we view things differently, and forget that the other person might not see things the same way! We have had fights, and neither of us are totally "ignorant" to the realities, it just seems like the last month or so there have been MORE realities then either of us want..hehe. I mean, they are not overwhelming, we have great times too...but they seem to punctuate into our lives more frequently last few weeks. Thanks EVERYONE for their support. I really really needed it today, and it helped me feel LOADS better. I will keep you updated on how our talk goes!

And I do realize that, I have had some wonderful long term relationships - the only difference is they eventually ended, this one neither of us wants to end (not that you ever really want one to end but at risk of sounding well, overromantic, this is the one for us! The LAST person we want to be with, but in a good way!). We are both mature enough, and had enough experience to realize that they DO take work, and issues DO arise that need to be addressed again, but also if you have those building blocks or tools of communication, they can go a long way in preventing some things from blowing out of proportion. And that is what we want, the tools, or maybe at least a better understanding of how to resolve what we feel with the other person before it blows up!

Thanks muneca for the advice. Not preachy at all I agree with you that I am not totally "open", though I think we are both guilty (he touched on some things last night from his own experiences but it is first I have heard too!). I know he knows I am flawed (he has seen them!) but for some reason still believes that sometimes he is not able to satisfy me. It is something we do need to talk about more though...I won't talk too much about it tonight with him, as he does need to focus on his race, but we will have too. You are bang on the vulnerability thing. Maybe my resistance is due to past experiences too... We both DO do things apart...I did not ask him or expect him to cancel his plans, I had said I was down about things, but not with expectation of him to do that. For the record, we BOTH went out to the lake together the next night and had a great time together too. It's just been a very busy week, and part of the problem is we have not had much time together like you mentioned..both of us are at fault for that this week...he is stressed due to race/work, me due to my family, work, and so on....but yes, we are both worth taking time off for one another, our relationship is worth that too. And we do...we went camping/canoeing at the beginning of this month (just us) and are going again in a week, it's just hard to find time during the week sometimes, and that part sucks! And I agree on the spontaneous sex...trust me! We both do try to make it happen, but sometimes it seems like "spontaneous" is hard to fit in for us both... And hey, even the regular sex is far from boring _________________

Thank you Hope, I think you basically nailed it, and what I feel right now too. The thing is, I KNOW that is what we should have done, as soon as I realized he had them on, I felt terrible for not knowing and apologized right away, but I guess we are both stubborn (we are both Leo's and first born children unfortunately…lol) and he was not really "ready" to hear it yet, I am not sure, I guess he just felt rejected (and I understand that). I am having a truly horrible day.....it is still several hours before he will be able to call me (I sent him a text message, but he is quite possibly out of range at the moment/has it turned off due to travelling), and I feel sick knowing that I will not get to see him until Monday night either to "really" be able to talk and heal from this. I am just so scared right now. I know he loves me...I came home and saw that this morning he had pulled up one his favourite pics of me, it was still open, the one he says is his favourite because he can just see how much he loves me in it, and it just is really "me", and I just burst back into tears. Addition – He just sent me the following text message: "I do think you are the one for me. I will call you tonight. I can't wait to hold you. Lots of kisses, your man." Sigh…see why he makes my heart melt every day?

Thank you so much for your reply Frenchie, I really appreciate it, I needed to feel that reassurance! And thanks darkblue again for your PM.

Good morning, I am coming here to ask for some help about some really confusing things that have arisen lately in my relationship with my boyfriend. I am sorry if this ends up being lengthy, but I really think it is important I give the details and specifics as much as possible. And I am sorry too if it seems rambling, but I only had about three hours sleep last night. I am not even sure what answers I am looking for..just some advice maybe. My boyfriend and I have been together several months, and we do live together. We both absolutely know we want to be with one another, and are sure to tell one another often, and show each other as well that we love the other person a lot...we both also agree we want to be together and grow old together. We have both told one another on a few occasions we truly feel we are meant to be together. So what is the problem? It seems lately that we have come to a confusing state when it comes to communicating things, which end up with us both feeling terrible and low. All this came out last night...my boyfriend is going away this weekend for a race (he left this morning) and so we wanted to spend some time together last night. Unfortunately since he had some things to do to prepare with his team, he did not get home until almost 9. I mean I was sad but opted not to say anything, but felt like I would just make the most of the time...though when he came home he still had some packing and so on to do and then finally he came and sat with me. We talked a few minutes, but I felt like he was a bit distant (probably thinking of the race and so on so I did not get too worried about it). I told him too I would be worried about him this weekend hurting himself, and he told me he would feel the same if it was me, even if he was right there. We headed to bed sometime after 10, so he could get an early rise. I was dead tired, it had been a long day. He was in bed before me, and when I came into the room I went to turn the lights off..he asked me to keep them on, so I dimmed them, and got undressed as usual. When I hopped into bed I curled up with him, and we were talking a bit. All of a sudden in a "huff" he sits up and pulls off his shorts (note, we always sleep in the nude but the way I was curled up I had not noticed and it felt like just a sheet at his leg or something). Right away I can feel he is mad at me which just turns me right off, and then my mind starts wandering to how I am sad he did not come home until late and so on, and how I am worried about him, and so on....so of course, I am just not in the mood, plus as I said dead tired. Though I am asking him some questions and so on. He halfheartedly makes some "moves", then suddenly gets up to go to the washroom...where well, he finishes business on his own. I am very hurt by this, I have nothing against doing so but this has NEVER happened before...usually things lead to elsewhere, but I was not as "into it" yesterday and when he was touching me, my skin just felt sensitive (nipples and so on) in a unpleasant way, though I did not say that...so I had to take longer to get in the mood...but I guess he gave up. I felt very low when he did that THEN. I know he knew I was still awake yet when he came back I said nothing, just continued curling up with him and was rubbing him a bit on his chest, legs, etc. He asked what I was doing, he thought I was tired. I said I WAS, but I could still touch him...and well, I started to cry though I still failed to say what I wanted to say. I did not really know what to say, or how to formulate the words yet. I usually need time to process things. So I am crying, we both end up getting kind of mad, I tell him I am upset he immediately resented me when I did not know he had shorts on, and I did not know what I had done. He said he had wanted to have some fireworks tonight, and we could undress one another. I don't know how I could of read his mind...you know? I was also feeling sort of hurt as I felt it was "all about him and sex" and that I needed to spend some just TIME with him too that night...so he got mad thinking I was implying I think that is the only reason he is around (I know it is not, and did not mean it that way!) and that he had wanted to spend more time with me. Don't get me wrong, as the sex IS fantastic...sometimes maybe there is not enough of it lately due to stress (which makes my libido lower) and so much to do in BOTH our lives..but we both truly enjoy it, we have not had it AS much the last week (only maybe three times) but they are great sessions all the same. I just told him I felt like tonight his mind was elsewhere, when I tried talking to him...and it is hard to just "be in the mood" all of a sudden. I told him I felt like he is just not happy lately...I know he feels in a rut and I don't know if it is me, he says he does not know why either. He feels like he is not enough for me, and not a priority. I reminded him he IS. And I try and let him know that. One issue right now is that I am training a lot at the moment...and he feels this takes away from him - for example we are going away in a couple weeks on a camping trip, and he worries that I won't be going (I am) because of my training. I reminded him the reason I am training so much right now is so I CAN take 4 days off. For me, I have some body image issues as well related to past eating disorders which come into play so "not training" is hard for me to do...and it is FOR him so I can go I am putting it into overdrive to be able to go. I know he says he tries to understand, but I know he really does not (as I am in shape, athletic and work out WAY more then most people do) and don't really expect him too though either...as I have never really explained just how it does affect me, and trust me I feel bad about that. I am not "hiding it", but I am just not sure how to tell him...I don't want him to see me as "damaged" or something, you know? Another thing is last week I took my friend (a guy) out for a birthday beer. My boyfriend knew ahead of time, I had talked to him about it. Before I left that day (he was not home) I wrote him a card with this gret poem in it I wrote too as I knew he would feel insecure that day. He did not tell me for two days that he really did like it, and he loved my poem and it made him feel all warm and fuzzy. For two days I felt like he did not feel the same way, or that I had "scared him" or something (as had happened in a past relationship when I shared my feelings around this stage of the relationship). I felt so low. I told him this last night, which is when he told me he felt insecure...I told him I thought he would, and it is why I did such a gesture, to make him feel loved and remind him of my feelings! A few days after the "card thing" he was supposed to go to the lake with his buddy on a weekday for the night. I could not go, as I had plans to take my sister out for sushi - her bf has JUST moved far away and she is sad. He knew this before he made his plans, though he had wanted me to go. I expressed I was having a bad week - my brother also has moved away to another part of the country and I miss him so much, my sister is sad and I felt terrible, and him and I had had a bad night a few days before. I was also stressed about work and such. He ended up cancelling his plans to go to spend time with me, and go with me and my sister and so on (though he did not tell me until after he cancelled). We went to gym together, took my sister out, and had a great time. Before we had planned to do yoga that night when we came back, and I asked if it would be ok. He said it was, and I said we would only do maybe 30 minutes or so. While we were doing yoga I was being playful, teasing him, grabbing his bum and so on and just telling him he was sexy...at first he was fine, then suddenly when we went a little longer to 45 minutes..after we were done I tried to get him to lay down with me so we could "take it somewhere" but it seems he was upset with me (I could tell) and his mood totally changed. He told me I was making it a "competition" when I was being playful...I even stripped down in the living room and usually he would be ALL over that..but nothing. I felt TOTALLY rejected, after the day before he was even saying he wished we had more "spontaneous" sex sometimes instead of it having to be so late in day all the time/after we go to bed due to our schedules.. He told me the next day he was upset, that he had wanted to do some yoga, then cuddle, maybe have some sex...as he knew I felt sad. He felt somehow I was "using him" and "made him" cancel plans. I tried to explain that to me it WAS spending time together, that I was "playing" with him and it is "part of foreplay" for me to play together and have fun....maybe I did not explain it so well, but I did tell him I was SOOO hurt that I felt rejected. Well last night he told me that also made him feel like he was not a priority, and worried about that camping weekend again..and so on..sometimes he would like me to just come home and have a beer with him and hang out or go to a patio, and not have to train too. I tried to explain that HE is a priority, that we were spending time together, that I was playing with him, that sex is not just happening when you get naked... He tends to let things bother him, but not tell me, and then I know something is up, but don't know WHAT...he told me he does it to think about it and make sure it is something that should bother him. Most of the time he just ends up mad at HIMSELF as it is not something he realizes should bother him at all...but even when he is mad at himself, I feel it! I finally told him that I was hurt he went off to the bathroom...and he said he DID resent me then, and did it to relieve tension and hopefully help him get some sleep....I just told him I felt sooo low. He did apologize, but it is not easy for me to just get over it..I don't know. I sort of feel like I am damned if I do, damned if I don't, you know? Anyway, we fell asleep late, curled up and cuddling. We both feel like we are disappointing the other person..I don't know why this last month or so has been so tough. Sometimes he has told me he feels "mentally inadequate" for me and insecure...that he feels he is not able to discuss things like politics, or issues as he does not know enough, sometimes he just does not feel smart enough. I tell him ALL the time he is very smart (and he is) but he does not feel it. I don't know how to convince him he is EVERYTHING I want, that he DOES satisfy me. I feel like I unintentionally hurt him by being stupid basically....by not telling him what I am feeling all the time, by not telling him about my "issues" and so he feels it is HIS fault. Maybe on his side it is the same...he does not tell me when things are bothering him out of fear. But we both "feel" one another, you know, so we know something is wrong.. Basically it came out last night we BOTH feel we are not good enough for the other person! Does that even make sense? I know how he feels though, as I feel the same sometimes... Again last night he said he believes I AM the perfect person for him, and he is just scared. And I feel the same way, I really do and told him so...so why are we having these communication breakdowns? How do we fix them? How do we move forward and stop feeling scared or feeling like we are not good enough for one another? Neither of us want to lose one another ad we both DO want to grow grey together...maybe that IS why we are being so stupid, as we both care too freaking much! Maybe knowing the other is so important is just too damn scary sometimes. The thing is everytime this happens, we go over it, cry over it, then move on until it happens again or is brought up again...we don't ever really totally talk about it and lay it all out there, so we don't really heal the wounds or address why we feel this way..you know? So we continue to have these weird miscommunications where we make assumptions, or don't talk. This morning he had to leave early, but we both apologized profusely for last night, and kissed, and told one another we love each other SOOO much, and want to stop being so stupid...we know we want to be together...we really do! We are both old enough and have had enough experiences to KNOW. I really don't know what I am asking for, I just read all this over and it makes almost no sense to someone reading I am sure! So, I guess I just need some perspective and advice. He is gone until Monday for his race, but he is going to call me tonight and I would like to at least START talking tonight, so we lay some groundwork for when he comes back...we both want to move on and figure out how to not have this happen again. Thanks SO much for any help. If there are any questions or more info needed, please please ask!