runthroughfire

She's certainly less bitter than she was, but I'd like to think that that's because, as per your advice, I've been keeping lines of communication open, though recently I've not contacted her, and have created some pleasant encounters for us both. You sound like the voice of experience. So.....how long?

The advice seems to have dried up. Need help.

Just over two months ago I broke up with my partner, after three years - I left, by mutual consent. I continue to be in contact with her, it's all very respectul and caring, which is more than I can say for alot of the time we were together. But, in another sense, it's all so false. I look at her lovingly, all I can think about is how much I love her, how much I miss her. I try to make our time together as pleasant as possible, and try to subjugate my needs and desires and concentrate on demonstrating, in word and deed, love and care. She's made it clear that IF (and that's a very big IF) we do get back together it would be in a very long time from now. Not that long ago she seemed to be softening her stance, she said she now viewed it as a time-out rather than a break-up ("a few months", which would "fly by") But now she says she doesn't remember saying that - and it's true that whereas I never stop thinking about this break-up and how to repair and regain, she, by her own admission, has neither the time nor the inclination to be quite so reflective. She has a son from her previous marriage, and she has said that she needs to protect him from further hurt - caused by being witness to and being caught in the middle of parental rows and niggles - themselves caused by anger and frustration which I bitterly regret and which I have since expelled from my psyche. I don't know, but I feel she's hiding behind him. She seems content to be 'alone', though she does say that it's hard for her, financially (and I continue to contribute, unlike her ex-husband) and emotionally - but she says that if we get back together, it'll have to be for the right reasons, i.e not because she's broke and alone. That's all fine, I understand, hard as it is to take. Our meetings are in secret. She doesn't want her family (who feel let down by me) knowing that I'm seeing her, if "seeing" is the right word. Not sure if any of her friends are aware. She's slowly getting on with her life, and I with mine. She has work commitments, she's doing very well, which is great and, only today we were talking about a holiday/vacation that she might go on with her sister and her family (minus me, of course) I try to be as supportive as I can be in everything, I want nothing but her happinness. But inside I'm becoming more and more desperate about losing her. I know that our souring relationship towards it's final(?!) six months or so caused her son a lot of hurt. He's nearly twelve and, while in some ways very resilent and grown-up, he's actually quite immature - he now sleeps in his mother's bed and won't spend a night away from his Mum (she and I went out on a "date" to the cinema a couple of nights ago, while he was sports training. He phoned her, got no reply and got very upset that she was out - she pretended she was at a girlfriend's house and didn't hear the phone) - not sure if he's thinks of himself as 'protecting' her, taking my place, or just very insecure. I need to be able to have contact with him at some point, if only to prove to him that I love him and to say sorry for hurting him. His mother says no, not for a while. It's his birthday soon, It's Easter next week, then her birthday, then summer...It's all getting too much. I love her, completely, and respect her views, and abide by her rules. Sometimes though I think I should just disappear. She says "if it was meant to be, then it will happen" I feel, though, that things don't happen unless we make them happen. So I walk this fine line between not pressurising, not extorting, and being sad and lonely, and trying to repair a broken love bond. ?

Am sounding off now, forgive me for this ramble. It's now a little more than two months since we broke up. I continue to have more and more contact with my ex-lover, it's very respectul and caring, which is more than I can say for the time we were together. But, in another sense, it's all so false. I look at her lovingly, all I can think about is how much I love her, how much I miss her. I try to make our time together as pleasant as possible, and try to subjugate my needs and concentrate on showing her how much I love her. She's made it clear that IF (and that's a very big IF) we'd get back together it would be in a very long time. Not that long ago she seemed to be softening her stance, she said she now viewed it as a time-out rather than a break-up ("a few months", which would "fly by") But now she says she doesn't remember saying that - and it's true that whereas I never stop thinking about this, she, by her own admission, has neither the time nor the inclination to be quite so reflective. As I've mentioned before, she has a son from her previous marriage, and she has said before that she needs to protect him from further hurt. I don't know, but I feel she's hiding behind him. I feel sure there's noone else, and she seems content to be 'alone', though she does say that it's hard for her, financially (and I continue to contribute) and emotionally - but she says that if we get back together, it'll have to be for the right reasons, i.e not because she's broke and alone. Our meetings are in secret. She doesn't want her family (who feel let down by me) knowing that I'm seeing her, if seeing is the right word. Not sure if any of her friends are aware. She's slowly getting on with her life. Work commitments, she's doing very well, and we've just been talking about a holiday/vacation that her sister is organising. I try to be as supportive as I can be in everything, I want nothing but her happinness. But inside I'm becoming more and more desperate about losing her. I know that our souring relationship towards it's final(?!) six months or so caused her son ("J" (her name is "K")) a lot of hurt. He's nearly twelve and, while in some ways very resilent and grown-up, he's actually quite immature - he now sleeps in his mother's bed and won't spend a night away from his Mum (she and I went out on a "date" to the movies a couple of nights ago, while he was sports training. He phoned her, got no reply and got very upset that she was out - she pretended she was at a girlfriend's house and didn't hear the phone) - not sure if he's 'protecting' her, taking my place, or just very insecure. I need to be able to have contact with him at some point, if only to prove to him that I love him and to say sorry for hurting him. K says no, not for a while. It's his birthday soon, It's Easter next week, then K's birthday, then summer...It's all getting too much. I love K, and respect her views, and abide by her rules. Sometimes though I think I should just disappear. She says "if it was meant to be, then it will happen" I feel, thought that things don't happen unless we make them happen. So I walk this fine line between not pressurising, not extorting, and being sad and lonely - am on anti-depressents - and trying to get on with my life - Need to look after myself!! I had some great responses before, please keep this dialogue going. So much more to say and learn

This is something I've been angling for. My ex has moved from saying "we've broken up" to "we're having a time-out", with the timescales indefinite - months not weeks. So I'm hopeful of a good night. I've got some practical questions, like should I bring a gift, and if so what? Should I bring flowers? How should I dress? - casual, or look as though I've made a real effort? I'm not expecting anything, except to go home alone, and be in bed by midnight.

OK. So my ex has moved from wanting me out of her life forever, to sensible and practical coexistence and, now, a restaurant meeting. No pressure!!! Advice please.

Thanks!!

The nature of the fight is not particularly relevant, not even sure why I mentioned it, except that my leaving was by mutual consent resulting immediately after the argument. The issues are all mine, dishonesty, disrespect, neglect, failure to love my partner in any real active way - resentment at the increasingly active part her family plays in our life together, etc. These are all issues I've had to address in the last few weeks. Feel I've undergone real change, lifted away alot of my anger and neediness. Now just want to come back to her and love her properly. Situation complicated by the fact that that she has twelve year old son, from a previous marriage, who suffered because of mine and his mother's constant bickering. I'd love to know if there's anyone out there who has managed to patch up a relationship after a partner has left the home..

I left my partner (after a big fight) five weeks ago. I have been trying to make amends, prove my love, but feel further and further away. Should I give up the ghost? If not now, when? Do reconciliations ever happen? If so, how?