someguy69

FYI, adultfriendfinder gets your location from your IP address, and does not require you to provide your zip/postal code... so be careful before you start throwing out accusations.

i'm 17 and i just failed a pre-employment drug test. i know i'm probably not getting the job. but, what kind of trouble could i get in? who else gets to see my test results? am i going to have any rights taken away? could this effect getting insureance or benifits from other jobs i apply to?

Also, for the record... and I encourage this for everyone out there... don't work for a place of business that requires a drug test.

i had THC in my system. i tried saying second hand smoke but she wasn't having it.

You can certain get positives from second hand cannabis smoke... if not, then toss out all the propaganda about second-hand cigarette smoke.

All you had to have said was that you were at a concert a few days prior, and that there was a lot of smoking going on around you.

Sounds pretty suspicious to me.

If she's going to be with other women... she should share them with him too

An hour of pure pumping away intercourse is likely to either leave a woman sore and raw (unless the sex was mindblowingly amazing) or passed out from pleasure overload (likely sooner than an hour).

A sex session with my girlfriend tends to last around an hour including all the foreplay, which may occur at the beginning, middle and end.

Anyways, the duration is not as important as the quality. Quality should be the main focus, not quantity.

Who has the time to have sex all night long? Maybe it's cool for a one night stand, or a special occasion, but certainly not a regular occurrence.

Lets turn the tables around... if instead of it requiring an hour of pure intercourse to make you orgasm, it required an hour of pure intercourse to make the woman orgasm... I'd say that sounds like way too much work to me

Someguy, I'm curious--If the shoe was on the other foot--Just say SHE was the one who was looking at porn (and with looking at porn, not just the occasional looking---I mean the downloading of pics of naked guys and videos, and guys emailing her, etc.) would you suggest to her boyfriend to stick around? Would you tell him to check out the pics too and share her interest? Would you want a girlfriend that does this and LIES ABOUT IT??? Would you want a girlfriend like this who lacks intimacy and interest with you, but doesn't have a problem checking out naked men and getting off with them??? I seriously doubt it.

She brang up herself a lot of the issues that I spoke of. You can't just look at this one-dimensional as you are suggesting.

I didn't suggest sticking around... I was suggesting a possible solution if "sticking around" was desired.

It sounds like she's had many chances to call things quits over the past nine months, and would suggest she do so... but she was asking what she could do to fix the situation. Also note that we're only getting her side of things.

Too late! That's EXACTLY what happened... except she denies that I came up with any ideas... or said that I didn't come up with any good ideas. How did you resolve that problem? Or is that why she is now an ex?

I personally know more than a half dozen people, including my ex who felt addicted to cannabis and unable to control the urge to smoke and be perpetually stoned. He found he either had to stay away from it entirely, or he would use constantly. He could find no happy medium.

Quite the little group of stoners... I consider them lucky that their drug of choice is cannabis and not alcohol, or worse yet cocaine, methamphetamine or heroin. Fortunately cannabis use (being a soft drug compared to the hard drugs I listed) is easier to control, and break free from (yes, much easier than alcohol).

While finding a happy medium may be a more difficult path for some, it is the only way you know that you are "cured" of your addiction. If you have to completely abstain from the substance to avoid "falling off the wagon", then you're not cured.

This is sort of off topic though, the point is, she can't be telling him what to do. She either has to accept what he's doing if he won't discuss it with her, or walk away if she feels it is too much for her to handle.

This is why I feel reaching a compromise is a good idea. If she absolutely can't stand him ever smoking up... or if he can't bring his toking to a reasonable responsible level, then she should break up with him. If they can work out a compromise, than maybe the relationship can be saved.

I dont agree with the other poster. You dont have to get involved with his involvement with porn (and it seems like you already tried too. I dont think he wants you involved anyhow!).

He likely felt threatened... we don't know the whole story... we do know they are living together, that the relationship has been on and off for nine months, and that they are having intimacy problems.

I somehow doubt that the porn issue is the only problem here... but as it was the only problem described, we can only work with what we've got.

So if she wants to work out this porn problem, my solution is the only one that is going to make any headway.

some guy, by contacting do you mean aiming or more up front like calling??

 

I did aim him yesterday just to say hi (he had an away msg, wasnt around). Does that count as contacting to you?

Yes, any form of contact (phone, aim, msn, icq, email, postal letter, running into him in person) counts as contact.

go to her house tonight, pick her up, tell her to back a bag and take her on a random romantic getaway..somewhere nice...maybe niagara falls, how far are you from there? be spontaneous...dont tell her where your going at first.

Unfortunately it's a sort of LD relationship, and she's coming here tonight... plus we're busy tomorrow, so it has to be something only for tonight.

I'll definitely have to try that sometime when we don't have to be somewhere the next day

Here's a question mostly for the ladies...

My girlfriend is implying that we are in some sort of rut... that we don't do anything different... if we go out, it's to a movie, or dinner... and that tonight we'll probably end up going to see a movie... as usual.

I don't know why it's my responsibility to come up with something "different" or exiciting to do... but I need some suggestions

I live in a big city (Toronto), so there should be lots to do.

Thanks in advance

It's an unfortunate fact that most guys will sleep with a girl just because they can, regardless of how interested (or not) they are in them.

It is because of this that it is recommended to hold off sleeping with a guy until some sort of relationship is established, and most women have a preset minimum of about four or five dates.

If you are able to get a guy to go out with you more than three times, then it's quite likely he has a genuine interest in you. If he pushes to have sex sooner, then that's likely all he is interested in... and if you push to have sex sooner, then he may feel that was all you wanted too.

If you want to pursue things, I highly recommend not contacting him more than once per week... but not less often than every other week. If you don't end up getting together within the next month, then it's for certain a lost cause.

While cheating is based far more on being deceitful than an actual specific act, I wouldn't say that looking at porn could be considered cheating.

Having women personally send him naked pictures is a little different, but it depends on the intentions involved.

What makes this a problem is that he hides it from you and denies it. This could be because he has had problems in the past with other girlfriends getting upset over him going to porn sites and such, but if he really would rather keep this as some dirty little secret, and not let you be involved, then you have a problem on your hands.

I'd recommend having a non-threatening, non-confrontational conversation with him about it. This isn't a matter of accusing and proving, but instead asking to share in his secret.

Put aside the "we aren't intimate enough" angle just for now, and tell him that you want to watch/look at porn with him. See what his tastes are and don't be judgemental. Try to let yourself be open to what turns him on, and heck, even get excited about seeing these other half-naked girls. It can be exciting to see a "real" person naked rather than a nameless porn star (amateur or not). If you can get him to open up to you, let you into his little world, show him that you accept him... and share his interests (even if you have to pretend a little)... then I guarantee you that things will improve in the bedroom.

I think that most of the time by the time a person smokes weed as frequently as this, it is hard to go back to occasional & recreational use... they just find life too hard to deal with without being stoned.

She didn't specify how frequently this was. She's obviously afraid that he's going to ruin his life like her uncle did, but she didn't give us enough details to form an opinion. How often does he smoke weed? What drug was her uncle addicted to? What happened with him?

Cannabis is a relatively "soft" drug. While intoxicating (somewhat like alcohol) it isn't really as stupifying as alcohol is, and certainly doesn't have anywhere near the negative health impact that alcohol does (even though you are smoking it, it is far less harmful to your body than tobacco).

Do not forget that alcohol, tobacco, caffeine, chocolate, coffee and tea are all drugs, albeit legal, socially acceptable ones... they are still drugs, and aside from alcohol, you can be experiencing the effects of nicotine and the caffeine related drugs (known as methylxanthines) while driving, at work or at school without any trouble. Of course dosage is always a factor... as you can legally drive after only having a little bit to drink (i.e. one beer)... but may have difficulty doing much of anything if you have way too much caffeine or nicotine.

So how much and how often is the boyfriend toking? Can you two reach a compromise?

There are only two people in a relationship when drugs are involved - the person using and the drug itself. Otherwise, it's better known as a three-way. When somebody is addicted, you will never be able to compete with the substance. My best advice is to break-up with this guy. You can't keep telling him what to do because as soon as you are not around, he will start using again. Ultimately, the decision to stop has to be his.

Untrue. People can learn to manage their addictions. Cannabis is far less addictive than alcohol (and far far far less addictive than tobacco), and while a lot of people have problems with alcohol, they can be overcome.

The decision to control his addiction is certainly his, and that is why a compromise must be reached rather than an ultimatum or demand.

If you tell him that you don't want him smoking weed ever, he's going to feel resentful -- and his weed smoking buddies will razz him over it too.

If you reach a compromise of a reasonable amount of weed use (i.e. X many grams per week) and the frequency of use (i.e. one joint in the evening, or only on weekends) comparable to how much an average person would drink, then both of you can be happy.

You guys need to establish a compromise.

If he can keep his weed smoking to a reasonable and responsible social-recreational frequency, then you should be able to handle that this is something he enjoys.

If it's something he does to excess without compromise, then its time for you to part ways.

I can't believe this. My g/f moved in with me recently. We have mutual friends who live upstairs. Twice in the last two weeks she hasn't come home at night, and I wake up to hear them still partying and drinking...and doing coke. I told her last time I wouldn't put up with it, yet she continues to do this knowing full well that I will give her the boot. She has nowhere else to go, and I love her, and want this relationship to work out, but I can't live like this. What the hell do I do?!

How long and how often has she been using coke?

Coke is a hard drug (like nicotine and alcohol), and is difficult for some people to use it recreationally without developing a problem. Since its use is illegal in this part of the world, there are less examples of responsible use for people to observe and learn from, unlike alcohol, which while being a dangerous hard drug, enough people use it responsibly (along with public education on responsible alcohol behavior) that alcohol abuse is kept to a small proportion of alcohol use.

To reduce men as sperm shooters is quite degrading to the "species" and eliminates free will from the picture.

You mistake instict and genetic disposition as the only factors involved. I'm simply stating that they are a fact.

Again, an evolutionary perspective has it place with other THEORIES...but it's important to realize that it is just a THEORY....not an absolute flawless dogma from which we can stereotype all of humanity. If we're all just trying to survive and to spead our genes, does that mean murder, rape, and racism is ok?

It's not a "theory", it's been studied and proven. This doesn't justify behavior, it simply explains it. Once you are able to explain the tendencies for specific behavior, and accept that these urges are natural (rather than denying that they exist), it is much easier to control them. Why live in denial?

Of course biology plays a role in behavior, but to reduce the human experience only to biologial factors is absurd. We're born into an environment and both nature and nurture work together to shape us. To ignore the aspects of life that make us different from monkeys, such as love, morality, and sprituality, and call them a "facade" is inaccurate.

To deny their existence is the facade. And why are you picking on monkeys? They have feelings too you know.

A facade is defined as an artifical and deceiptful front, if morality is such a front, why have centuries and centuries of humans written about morality? Why have people died for their faith as martyrs (killing themselves and their sperm?) If it's only a fake cover-up, why are we so passionate about it?

You misunderstand. I said that claiming that these urges were nonexistant and that one's "morality" was all that existed is deceitful. One's morality is responsible for self-restraint, but these biological urges still exist.

I don't want to steer this post away from the issue at hand, which is a women distressed about her husband's obsession with "teen" porn. All I can say is that if I were in her shoes, I would not accept the excuse that it's ok for her husband to do this, even when it bothers her, because he is simply "being a man", and men want to look at 18-22 year olds because they're good targets to shoot sperm at.

The point is that it's a natural urge, it's not "sick"... it's natural. If it conflicts with her moral views, that is a completely separate issue.

The fact that it is legal for him to look at "teen porn" means that the majority of the population feel that it isn't all that "sick" and "immoral" anyways.... so what's the big deal?

Women are statistically attracted to strong, "bad boy" type men during ovulation, and attacted to caring, nuturing men the rest of the time.

Women's instincts come from wanting the best of both worlds... the genetic material from the best physical stock, and a "nice guy" to help raise the kids.

These things are all scientifically documented. Acting upon these impulses is a completely different story.

That's an evolutionary perspective, ONE way of looking at it- however it leaves out important factors such as social influence, morality, etc. which make us different from simply being animals/species. I wouldn't stereotype that "All men or any age" want to look at 18-22 year-olds, nor would I think it was an acceptable reason for this husband's behavior.

All men at any age have an ingrained natural instinctive eye for young, fertile women regardless of the other factors you mention.

Certainly so called "morality" can disguise this, but it essentially it's just a facade... an act... or worse yet, denial, or blocked to the point where they are apparently unaware of their own unconscious desire... and yes, btw, a person most certainly can be disgusted by their own desires.

Of course plenty of men have enough "self control" to avoid indulging in pornography or fantasies about attractive young women, but it is still denial of the underlying inherent desire.

So what are you planning on doing now??

Planning on trying to get her to back off for a bit, but according to her, nagging me once or twice a week was her version of trying not to nag me. Apparently if she hadn't been restraining herself, she would have been bugging me on a daily basis

All men of any age have an eye for "fresh ripe" female sexuality.

A woman between 18 and 22 is exceedingly fertile, and most men produce viable sperm until the day they die.

It's purely the natural propagation of the species that men are attracted to signs of female fertility.

I do have a question though...if you feel you need two years before you consider it at least, when you talked to her that first time, did you let her know that, or did the implications it would be earlier kind of overshadow that "belief" it takes a couple years? When you set the deadline, was it within those two years too? In other words, does SHE know of your timeline?

When we first started discussing it, it seemed off in the future (getting married in a couple years), which sounds and fine and dandy until the woman reminds you of how long weddings take to plan, and that reception halls must be booked a minimum of a year in advance, so it ends up being instead of starting to plan in a couple years... plans have to start in a few months.

Let me just state as it jumped out at me...it was VERY unclassy of her and her family to pressure you on that cruise about that ring...and even MORE unclassy to tell you she would NEVER like another as much as that one when you said you wanted to DESIGN one! When you wrote that, I wondered if she has become a Bridezilla - more concerned about the big white wedding, than planning and preparing for the marriage itself and creating a healthy relationship together. The ring should be a minor detail, and furthermore, should be something heartfelt by the one proposing (in this case you)...it is a symbol, not a bargaining tool!

It was those two events that really caused me to take a step back. She denies responsibility for the cruise jewelry store incident. According to her, she saw this "amazing" ring, and her family noticed her interest, and came over to look. As far as I'm concerned, this is something that we should have discussed privately without getting anyone else involved.

As for the later ring discussion, she claims that the ring on the cruise was the most unique perfect ring, that she'd seen thousands and thousands of rings, and nothing could compare to this one.

With regards to wedding planning, it seems she already had most of it planned since she was a kid, and of course it is to be a Christian wedding, and her brother (an anglican priest) will be performing the ceremony, etc.