katrina1980

I don't know. It sounds to me like he's longing for a bit of single life again.

 

If I were you, I would cut down on the number of times you see him or even take an extended break from the relationship and see how that turns out. If he were truly in love with you and seeing a future with you, he wouldn't be having these feelings.

 

I'm sorry, gotta disagree with the bolded. I think it's quite common when you meet someone whom you think has the potential to be the "right" person to have some ambivalent feelings, in fact I even think it's healthy.

It means one is taking the RL seriously, and as such, thinking hard about their feelings, what they want and where they want things to go with that person. All of which can be a bit overwhelming which can sometimes translate to ambivalence.

I would think it odd if this didn't happen! I have almost come to expect it in my relationships, from myself and my boyfriends. Like marshmallow, I don't take it personally, I step back, and let it play out the way it's meant to. I have faith and trust in our connection and I allow that to lead the way.

I do however agree with stepping back, do NOT push. Introduce a bit a distance, see how that works, and let it play out.

This couldn’t be more true. Truth is in previous relationships I have also liked space and very much value my independence. I have a busy career, lots of wonderful friends and an incredible social group. I think I’ve just got swept away with the excitement of this and the shift from dating to relationship has happened. Real life has kicked in and we need to find the right balance for us

That's a fantastic attitude, and imo the "right" attitude. And I commend your bf for how he chose to approach this very delicate topic and I commend you for being open-minded, and NOT taking it personally.

Reading this forum, many women (and men too if roles are reversed) would have taken it personally, assumed it meant he wanted OUT, become overly emotional and assumed he was simply letting them down gently. And imo this is also precisely why many men don't even want to bother having such discussions, so they simply "go through the motions," until it all becomes just too overwhelming and then they bolt.

He may still be married for technical reasons, but I for one really admire him for how forthright he was about his feelings, his expression of vulnerability and it also clearly demonstrates how much he trusts you with those feelings and vulnerability, which speaks volumes!

I hope it all works out marshmallow, and that you're able to find the right balance that works for both of you; he sounds like a really good straight up guy.

Also my concern. He basically led a single life alongside his ex for a very long time. It’s been different with us. Perhaps something he’s not been used to

I agree with Miss Canuck's last post; and re the above quote, I would pay close attention to this.

Sounds very much like he's used to having a certain amount of emotional distance in his relationships, at least in his marriage, and may feel more comfortable with that.

So here you come along, and as much as he enjoys the new connection, try as he might, it's simply too "close" for him, he's not comfortable with it.

This is what I think he was trying to tell you.

So now it's up to you. How comfortable are you with a bit of distance? We're not talking short term here, this is his nature, and there is nothing wrong with that.

I myself, need a certain amount of distance in my relationships, my bf does as well, so we match, we're a good fit.

It's about being on the same page, and space issues (how much is too much, how little to too little) is always a hot button.

If me, I would dial it back. And stop talking about it. Talking gets old, simply change your mind frame if you think he's worth it.

Do your own thing more, make your own plans. Introduce a bit of wonder into the equation, let him miss you! And you miss him!

I have been with my bf going on 1.5 years, and we still do this and probably always will.

Might not be another couple's style but it's ours and works for us.

Just makes sure it works for you, and you're just not "going along" because it's what your bf needs, that's important.

Bohemian Rhapsody.

And congrats to Rami Malek! For his portrayal of Freddie Mercury - what a performance!! Wow.

i also just watched Queen and Freddie Mercury performing at Live Aid in 1985 - another big WOW!

Truly amazing, wish I had been there!

Watched "A Few Good Men" last night, I loved Tom Cruise in this!!

Just my type, smart-ass, cocky, funny, smart! Lol

Was hoping he and Jo (Demi Moore) hooked up at the end, I'm such a sap about these things.

But what a great movie, and Jack Nicholson's character -- scary!!

No but I want to! Even if the movie sucks, it'll have a good soundtrack:)

It won best motion picture at the Golden Globes so can't be all bad! But ya never know with those award shows.

But yeah mostly want to see for the music and live performances, which look pretty exciting from the clips I've seen!

We will, we will, rock you...…. lol

I have not seen it yet but can't wait to see Bohemian Rhapsody!

Has anyone seen it?

Deleted.

................

Trevor Something - Summer Love

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bCZUqBKdFdU

The Verve - Rather Be

The Verve- Lucky Man

https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=The+Verve+Lucky+Man+you+tube&mkt=en-us&httpsmsn=1&refig=7b4dcecb442f4547dbfb31baac86c526&sp=-1&ghc=1&pq=the+verve+lucky+man+you+tube&sc=1-28&qs=n&sk=&cvid=7b4dcecb442f4547dbfb31baac86c526&ru=%2fsearch%3fq%3dThe%2bVerve%2bLucky%2bMan%2byou%2btube%26form%3dEDNTHT%26mkt%3den-us%26httpsmsn%3d1%26refig%3d7b4dcecb442f4547dbfb31baac86c526%26sp%3d-1%26ghc%3d1%26pq%3dthe%2bverve%2blucky%2bman%2byou%2btube%26sc%3d1-28%26qs%3dn%26sk%3d%26cvid%3d7b4dcecb442f4547dbfb31baac86c526&view=detail&mmscn=vwrc&mid=E827366FC944AD1FC561E827366FC944AD1FC561&FORM=WRVORC

Posters who keep making thread after thread..... make a thread about every thought they have apparently, i tend to ignore those posters but it does annoy me very much if they clog the main page!

Agree but what annoys me more are the "one and done's." They post once and then disappear. Meanwhile, we're all posting away, asking questions or asking for more clarity, or giving our opinions, and the OP has left the building!

Can anyone provide a possible explanation for this, it boggles the mind!

Arghh!!

It is my father and he passed away in 2006.

 

I have Hashimotos, which is thyroid related autoimmune disorder. From what I understand this typical (but new to me) inflammatory response familiar to those with Hashimoto's. But unless you are seeing a specialist who treats these things you get caught up with those who don't and won't do anything for you.

 

My condolences about your dad. :(

Bolded -- I did not know that, so yeah this is relevant. When I had my hives, I did all sorts of research and discovered that when one's thyroid levels are off, specifically when one's thyroid makes too much of the T4, T3 hormone ("hyperthyroidism") it can cause hives.

So I went to my doctor and had her check my thyroid levels which were normal, so I knew it wasn't that.

I don't know too much about Hashimoto's other than it's an autoimmune disease wherein the thyroid gland is destroyed, so yeah I would presume it's related somehow.

If no specialists on your plan or in your area, have considered going out of you area, off your plan?

And yes sure there are worse things to worry about, but this is pretty major too!

I really do wish you the best of luck, oh and by the way have you received the Hyland's Hives yet? I hope they work, at least for your son's wedding -- let us know! And congrats to your son!

I'm so sorry reinvent (more hugs).

I am wondering now if it's even hives; this should not be happening, not on this level anyway.

Your doctors sound completely incompetent, I don't blame you for losing your sh*t, it's unacceptable.

This may sound hokey, but I am looking at your avatar of you and your dad (so special), is your dad still alive?

Mine is not but every once in a while, when I'm sad or experiencing something painful (whether emotional or physical), I talk to my dad (wherever he is) and ask that he give me strength to get through.

In some instances, suddenly the answer will come to me, which has been right in front of my face the whole time.

Call it divine intervention, or just me recognizing the power I had over my own consciousness which translated into a solution, but it did help.

I hope you feel better soon.

I'm so sorry reinvent, as you know, I KNOW how this goes and yeah it's absolutely miserable. Thank goodness I did not have any on my face, I would have gone into a deep depression I'm sure (yes I admit to being vain).

Mine were limited to my upper arms and back and they itched like crazy.

Your situation reminds me of that show "Mystery Diagnosis" on A&E, and yeah it must be incredibly frustrating (in addition to miserable).

I also agree our healthcare system SUCKS, and many doctors suck too, I can't rely on them anymore.

Lately I'm into holistic medicine and herbal remedies, people don't realize but there are many herbs that are actually quite healing, from thyroid conditions to mental health issues (depression and anxiety) and yes hives!

There is a whole foods store right down the street (it's actually called Jimbo's), they have all sorts of herbal remedies in there; when I had hives, the store clerk recommended a product call Hyland's Hives (all natural), I did research and people swear by it so I tried it and it helped more than any antihistamine ever did!

Also when feeling down in the dumps (depression) I take something called St. John's Wort, lifted me right up better than any pharmaceutical med ever did (with no side effects).

Anyway, just thought I'd toss that out in case you wanted to try.

Hope you feel better soon... ((hugs))

That's pretty gross bytheway. Not to mention dangerous. Glad it's resolved.

Yes it most certainly was! And it was pure negligence, they admitted they "forgot" to clean the filter prior to my moving in, which is standard with a new tenancy.

I was considering file a lawsuit, I even asked my attorneys (at my job) about it. The amount of money I spent trying to resolve, over-the-counter, new sheets, new bedspread; I even purchased a new mattress ($1000+)! I thought it might be dust mites (yuck), even though I keep the place spotless (almost, lol).

But I decided against it cause I really like living there, and didn't want to jeopardize that.

But I swear, the very day they installed the new A/C unit, the hives disappeared. I felt it immediately when I walk into the apartment, the air was fresh and clean!!

Hi reinvent, just a thought but do you think it's possible that a material of some sort in your house, some sort of mold perhaps, is causing your hives?

Or an allergic reaction from a material in your home from all the work you recently had done?

This happened to me a few years back, I suddenly broke out in hives, which seemed never-ending, and it was determined through hit and miss that it was coming from the air conditioning unit in my apartment!

I was the one to suspect that actually and brought it to the attention of the property manager who had maintenance take a look. They opened it up and discovered all sorts of funky stuff in there that had been seeping into the air whenever I had the unit on.

They replaced the unit, and miraculously, my hives went away immediately!

I checked the website where I left the review.

The job he had immediately after mine just updated it with a glowing review on how fabulous he was.

On one hand it makes me second guess myself and then I have the proof otherwise.

Please don't second guess yourself reinvent; he may have had a friend or family member write that review for him, or others who do that sort of thing, for a fee. This does happen.

I mean, it's just too coincidental that immediately after your bad review (which I agree with given how you described), he gets a "fabulous" write up.

Not buying it!

I'm sorry too reinvent. :(

And the firefighters, that's so sad, and with your son being one, I can understand feeling emotional and your tears.

I hope you can get some sleep tonight, and despite everything that's happened, sending warm wishes to your son on his 32nd.

(((hugs))

I created one of those `damned it you do/damned if you don't' situations for him by not choosing my words better.

Oh shoot I just read this again and realize you had already acknowledged you could have worded it better, my bad, I read it incorrectly the first time. :(

I've often done the same, more times than I care to remember actually; it's always after the fact I realize I could have said or done something differently and better.

Re your job, look on the bright side. Two months off every year, great money and literally no stress from all the work you don't have to do!

Could be worse, Seraphim created a thread today under the careers section, you should read what she and I go through, ugh!

I hear ya about being bored though.

Agreed.

But I want say in that moment he wasn't exactly sure what his next move was.

 

I had some time to think about it. I created one of those `damned it you do/damned if you don't' situations for him by not choosing my words better. When he asked me what part of all of it bothered me, I was trying to be thoughtful and my honest answer was his intense reaction to everything that was going on. With that he shut the door.

 

I can see he might have been embarrassed and just assumed it would be better to keep it to himself.

I didn't exactly create a safe place for him to talk about it.

Bolded, not judging, but would not the more honest answer have been that he was choosing to shut you out instead of opening up and sharing something that was obviously troubling him? Allowing you more into his "world" and increasing the intimacy between you? Saying something like that may have created a safer place for him to want to open up and talk about it.

It lets him know how much you care and your desire to be more a part of his "world" -- his "inner workings" as Jibralta said, without judgment.

Instead of commenting about his "intense reaction" which he may have viewed as a criticism.

I will have to go back but I thought you said when all this went down, you felt closed off from him, which was clearly bothering you (as well it should have been).

This is not early stages, you're almost a year into this.

"A View From The Top" with Gwyneth Paltrow, Christina Applegate, Mike Myers, Mark Ruffalo.

I wasn't sure I was gonna like it, but it was absolutely hysterical! All the players were funny!

My boyfriend thought it was funny too, and that says A LOT! lol

And if you want to see a good girl fight, it has that too (Applegate and Paltrow towards the end).

I know why. . thanks to my therapist and a lot $$ later.

 

But understanding the reasons behind it doesn't automatically change it or totally change ones experiences.

 

I can make better choices. I can have better experiences.

But I don't think one ever really gets 100% - to the other side.

We are who we are. If we are lucky and work at it we learn to do things differently.

Oh I agree, but understanding it is the first step to making better choices for yourself, which sounds like you have with SL, so long as you're not settling for less than what you're emotionally capable of feeling, giving and receiving. Only you can answer that.

From what you've written, my sense is you're capable of deep love, intense love. Many aren't so you're fortunate in that regard, so am I.

I know for me, I would never settle for less than that, and won't. Doesn't mean when I find it (and may have found it with my current - too soon to tell), the man is bad for me, two entirely different things, imo.

Tough issues to navigate, takes a lot of introspection and self-reflection, which you've done and sounds like you're continuing to do.

 

Now with SL, I feel love for him but not to that intensity. As much as I am enjoying every aspect of my current (healthy) relationship, I miss (and often crave) that intensity I had and often question myself.

 

If I look back at my greatest loves, they were all bad choices.

I guess I loved the intensity, not necessarily the man?

 

Consider this. Yes you loved the men, A LOT. And simply by virtue of your feelings for those men, the RL was intense.

My feelings for my ex were intense, as his were for me, combined with our respective natures and the passion we felt for each other, the RL was intense.

Same with my current, after 2.5 years of experiencing mediocre relationships and simply going through the motions.

It actually scares me a little, which is why I think I had my dream. And it's not smooth sailing by any stretch, we've had conflicts (I take most of the blame for that), but we're able to resolve, which brings us closer and increases the intimacy between us.

So just my opinion, as always, but if you're gonna address anything, don't address how intense your past relationships were, address why you think you are (or were) drawn to men who weren't good for you.

Good questions.

I think it's still the little bits of disappointment that still lingers.

The ending was necessary, but still difficult nontheless

Hi reinvent, I'm wondering - how do you feel now that you've had the dream? Are you exploring feelings about your RL with SS, that perhaps, up till now, you had subconsciously been suppressing?

Maybe trying to come to terms with certain things, about the relationship and yourself?

Personally I always learn from my dreams; I recently had a dream about my current bf, right after we became exclusive (I created a thread about it).

After receiving many great responses, and then upon reflection, what the dream represented was my subconscious fears and anxieties about love and committed relationships in general.

It was just a dream but I actually learned a lot from it.