katrina1980

Sounds like you had what's called a "lucid" dream, I'm very familiar with those. I had one about my ex last year (created a thread about it) and yeah it totally rocked me.

Below is part of my very last post on that thread, perhaps it might help you too.

>>After starting the thread, the dreams about my ex stopped that night, and no I never contacted him and won't.

However, since experiencing this, I found the dreams to be quite healing which was corroborated in a few articles I read over the weekend about the healing power of dreams.

Extremely enlightening! It essentially said that I still had feelings that were simply buried underneath and actually preventing me from moving forward!

All subconscious of course, not consciously aware of this at all, until, of course, the dreams.

Why my subconscious chose this point in time to do its thing is anyone's guess, I had not even been thinking of him, but doesn't really matter in the grand scheme.

This is gonna sound totally hokey to some but what those articles said is that the dreams allowed all those unresolved feelings that were buried deep down to rise to the surface to be released!

And what's interesting is that this weekend, I ended up changing all my passwords (which contained his name in them, still), boxing up all memorabilia, even tossing some and other things away, reflecting that I was finally ready to put this chapter behind me, once and for all.

I will treasure the memories (the good positive ones of which there were many) but that is it, and I gotta say it feels so freeing!

So in the end, the dreams, while somewhat haunting (and daunting!), actually turned out to be a positive thing, very healing.

Katrina -sorry to bud in on this thread but I tried to reply to your PM on what we were discussing about my family event and I got a message that you're not allowed to receive private messages.

I know and thank you but I have disabled it - I have decided to step away from this forum for awhile, and focus on my new relationship.

I wish you, reinvent and everyone the best!

ETA: Apologies to reinvent for the short hijack.

This isn't so much a struggle for 'me' time but more of how to navigate the shut down. I get why he needs to do it, I just think the timing of saying I don't want to stick around and be in the middle of it will not go well.

So what if it doesn't go down perfectly?

Would that be so bad?

I mean, what's the alternative, hiding your feelings for fear of rocking the boat a little bit?

That is how you foster intimacy. By communicating honestly, and if it causes a conflict, resolving the conflict -- together.

It almost sounds like you have a fear of intimacy of sorts. And that you're walking on eggshells.

I could be wrong but that's how it appears (to me).

I'm not judging you for it (if that's what's happening) I have my own struggles that I've owned and working on resolving.

Anyway, good luck I hope you both can sort this out.

Be happy!!

reinvent, you always give such great advice, if another poster were to post about how she had to practice how to communicate with her boyfreind, that she wasn't comfortable telling her BF she needs "me" time occasionally, but yet felt resentful when he took his "me" time, what would you advise her?

Not trying to be obtuse, I'm genuinely curious.

I loved that song when it first came out.

What, you don't love it anymore? lol

I hadn't heard it in years and was listening to Coldplay and this live performance popped up.

So awesome! Loved the video too, Richard Ashcroft (along with Liam Gallagher) are two of my favorite artists.

They were both touring the U.S. very recently (like last month I think), they were performing in L.A. and I missed it!

They're touring Europe now I believe.

I like Jibralta's idea.

I know I didn't handle this properly with my last bf, as whenever he was pre-occupied doing other things (which was most of the time even though he insisted he wanted me there), I would simply tell him I wasn't feeling well (or something) and was gonna head home.

This is just me, but if it was only once in a blue moon that he was disconnected (my long term ex was very much this way sometimes which I understood), I would just leave him alone and do my own thing. I recall times before he and I lived together where we would both be in the same room, him watching sports or something and I was reading a book!

I didn't need his full attention at all times and it was only sometimes he was that way. Other times, I would watch sports with him and even got into the game too!

But with the ER doctor, it bothered me because it was all the time, just got to the point where he wouldn't engage at all (except when we were having sex) which wasn't a good fit for me because I am a big communicator and need to be mentally stimulated.

I guess part of my struggle is I don't have a lot of free time or me time. I don't give myself the luxury of checking out. Maybe that's why I am partly bugged (or envious)

 

Bingo!

I think this has been discussed before, but it IS okay to tell him you need your "me" time, and not always agree to see him whenever he wants you to. To give yourself that "luxury" as you put it.

You know this right?

I am very comfortable doing that, always have been really, in all my relationships.

So have my boyfriends.

 

For the most part I don't mind. All his exuberance can been a little exhausting (in the best way possible) I can't really keep up. I can be pretty reserved so when he dials back for the most part, it's OK. I am not going to lie. .The disconnect is so intense I can't help but wonder if something is wrong at times.

 

So, at some point I start to get uncomfortable. The two are so extreme it catches me off guard. I know what it's like to want to retreat to recharge your batteries and for him, I imagine this is what it looks like. He's pretty high energy, so no doubt he needs it.

 

But at some point, like yesterday I start to take offense to it. We spent the entire day together, midday a spent a couple hours at the beach where a lot of our friends were, so it was a good break and mix up. But from the moment we woke up, with one word responses over breakfast and then returning to my house, with him watching hockey and his nose in his phone for 3 hours, I felt invisible. I am not one who needs much attention, but come on, at what point is it rude? I am perfectly fine alone and he's the one that seems to want to be together more than I do. So, why exactly are you here, I am thinking? I went upstairs in my own home to watch tv. . part of me wondering if he'd notice.

 

I've talked to him about it before. He seems very surprised at my accounting of what it's like. I get this is the way he is. I am still trying to get used to it.

 

Hi reinvent, fwiw I can relate as this (bolded) is what I experienced with the ER doctor, most, if not all, of the time especially as our RL settled in. And, like your boyfriend, HE wanted me there too, told me I was his "safe haven."

I felt exactly as you do, although, unlike you (which I give you lots of credit for) I did not speak with him about it, as I realized this was just his nature and I had to either accept or, if not, walk away (which is what I eventually chose to do).

Ironically our sex was amazing; I suppose it was the glue that kept me there so long once I realized how emotionally closed he was. Sex was the only time I felt connected to him.

I don't know what the answer is in your situation other than during the times he needs to "shut down," try to understand it and not take it personally? If that's in fact what you're doing - I did, so may be projecting there.

If he were like this all the time, I might suggest walking away, but it sounds like these "down" times are only occasionally so it was different from my situation with the doctor.

I get like that too sometimes, feeling like I want to shut off from the world needing time alone to refresh and rejuvenate. My boyfriends came to understand it and didn't hassle me about it (for the most part); they needed their lone time too, so it worked out.

The man I am currently dating totally gets me (as has from the beginning don't ask me how), which sort of makes me less inclined to want to!

Bittersweet Symphony (Richard Ashcroft with Coldplay)

This song is AWESOME!!

I was gonna upload the original video by Verve showing Richard Ashcroft walking down a London street not giving a cr**, but like this live performance better.

PThanks K ;)

 

Little one's spoken for (left)

 

(Right) The 31 yr old is single, 6'4" and a fire/medic. And a little bit of a 'player' too. I joke with him that I hope he is not this way in his 40's.

 

A friend wanted to fix up her daughter with him. I told her I valued our friendship too much to do that. Haha. All kidding aside, he just hasn't met the right girl yet.

 

His co workers called him Per Pan the other day. Fitting. He's living large and happy. That's what counts.

 

Meanwhile the younger one is conversative, intense and focused.

Funny how they turned out so different.

Well Prince Harry was a bit of a "player" too (more than a bit actually) and look what happened when a friend fixed him up? lol

reinvent, you look absolutely *beautiful* and both your sons are hot!! (I hope referring to them that way doesn't offend).

I am particularly crushing on your son on the right, 31 did you say?

All in good fun!

Happy belated mom's day!!

Me, I would like to know what happened with the bathroom? 13K and still not finished...Have you already paid him the whole amount?

Aww what's the problem dias; all this "heavy" discussion about reflecting back on feelings and consciousness/awareness got you uncomfortable? lol

That's an interesting question. Have I moved on from it? Yes.

 

People, whether gone or present impact our lives sometimes.

Agree, which is what I had alluded to as well. I do think the 100% does exist though, eventually. Not in every case; some people will always remain in our consciousness on some level for the rest of our lives which again I think is OK. As long as it doesn't negatively impact our current or future relationships.

and I allow myself a petty moment here and there too :)

Fair enough!

Too long of a story and not willing to relive it. . at least not today.

It's all documented here.

Have you 100% moved on from it?

I get it's human nature to be curious about an ex, but to feel some sort of weird satisfaction knowing he hasn't found anyone?

I dunno, I would think if you were 100% moved on from it, you wouldn't care either way.

I am not judging; I am still kinda stuck on someone myself (not saying you are, just asking if you've completely moved on), and I'm dating someone new, and very happy with him.

Some people are just difficult to mentally extricate yourself from, and remain in our consciousness at least on some level, there is nothing wrong with that.

He and I are friends now though (sort of), both dating others, and I am very happy for him! And he for me as well (or so he claims lol).

I can't lie.

 

I am that person that goes back onto the website where I met SS and he's been gone since last Dec? and recently has returned with vigor. I get some weird, petty satisfaction out of it and not ashamed to admit it. Apparently he hasn't found his unicorn yet or his last conquest refused to be his Stepford wife as well.

 

Call me petty, I can take it (:

 

I'm not gonna call you petty (you're not!) but confused about the weird petty satisfaction you're getting from seeing him back on the website?

Because he's been gone from site for six months, just returned and not dating anyone seriously right now?

I am not familiar with your history with SS so am sure I must have missed a few things!

FWIW, I know how you feel.

Not sure how you (or anyone) can control the intrusive thoughts, but if you're able to, more power to ya.

For me, I just sort of accept that this person will probably always hold a place in my thoughts, and that's okay (for me).

I even had a dream about him last night, remember it clearly, thought about it (and him) all day. Good thoughts.

The good news is these thoughts haven't prevented me from opening my heart to other men, if it did obviously that would be an issue I would need to explore and ultimately resolve.

I dunno, jmo I just think certain people (certainly not all) with whom we felt an emotional connection will always remain part of our consciousness, a least on some level; it's not a bad or negative thing, at least not for me.

That said, eight months together with SL, congrats!

Practice makes perfect! Let him know how you're feeling when it's happening. Give him a chance to give you the space that you're asking for. When you allow your frustration to build up, it just makes you unhappy and worried.

 

 

 

You go to the disaster scenario, like I do!

 

If you ask for space and he picks a fight, then you know there's a problem.

 

But he may have no qualms about giving you space. He could still have surprises after 7 months!

Agree with Jibralta. Give him a chance.

He enjoys spending time with you, so he *asks* for it, I dunno unless he is holding a gun to your head or something (apologies for the sarcasm), I see nothing at all wrong with him simply asking.

You have the "right" (hate that word but can't think of a better one right now) to say no, to tell him you're exhausted or need quiet time or whatever.

But you don't, instead you agree to see him but then seem to resent him later for even asking! And feel frustrated, suffocated, and suggest he is "changing the rules."

I am just gonna throw this out, but are you happy in this relationship? Cause call me crazy but it sometimes seems like you are trying to self-sabotage.

Perhaps you have your own rationale for why you do this, but to me it makes absolutely no sense to agree to something (like seeing him when you really need your lone time that night or while driving to work or whenever) but then turn around and feel frustrated, suffocated, and resentful later.

Compromise is great, I am all for it! And if seeing him on a night or nights when you are exhausted, need quiet time or just need space is what you choose to do, then own it, take responsibility for that choice. I assume he has not forced you.

I'm sorry, I just think it's wrong to make that choice, but then later feel frustrated and resentful for something *you* willingly chose to do.

Yeah balance. And what J suggested. Let him know how you're feeling while it's happening, don't let it build up. That is a major recipe for disaster!

Communicate. Give him a chance to understand you, your nature. In that moment.

He may just surprise you!

If not, well as J also said, that's a problem.

I've learned to tell them up front about who I am and my need for space. But I think what happens is most men (or at least the ones I've dated) might not be being honest with themselves.

 

When faced with a woman who tells them that they're independent, they are not likely to admit they are not.

 

I am careful to see that they have friends and a full life if their own but that combined with my disclosure, I always seem to end up here anyway.

That's great, so then why do "you" agree to spend more time when it's not something you always wish to do?

Great that last night you stood up for what you wanted and needed but you felt guilty, why?

I recall another time you posted you prefer driving to work "alone," that it's *your* quiet time and you need that. But then when he calls, you spent the entire time talking to him?

Then post you are frustrated by it! You said this happened often. Why? Why not explain driving to work is your quiet time? And that you will talk with him later?

It's a mixed message, your words (I am independent and need a certain amount of space) don't match your actions (agreeing to spend time with him when you don't always want to).

So now you have set up a pattern of how much time spent, any pull back now or deviation from that pattern is gonna confuse him, may cause insecurity; just like when women post about when their boyfriends deviate from a certain pattern already established.

I just don't get why you can't talk to him now, and explain. And then going forward from there, stay true to *yourself* and your own needs by NOT always agreeing to see him when you don't always want to.

Again, fabulous that last night you did stay true to your own needs, but as you said yourself you had "hit the wall with your tolerance level." You sounded frustrated that you had spent 5 out of 6 nights together, when you were the one who had agreed to it!

This is on you reinvent. You need a certain amount of space (which is fine!), then act like it and stop agreeing to what HE wants. As often as you do.

Best to try and find a healthy balance, that you are *both* comfortable with, consistently. So that you don't become frustrated, suffocated or whatever you're feeling and he doesn't become insecure.

JMO.

reinvent, I'm not a guy but from what I've learned about men over the years, and from my brothers, when the woman needs more "space" than they do, it throws them off balance a bit as it's usually the guy who needs and desires more space.

The "norm" for most (or many) women is to want more togetherness! And push for it.

So when they enter into a relationship with such a woman (in this case you), it confuses them, they don't know what to make of it, or her, which might cause them to become anxious and insecure, which might manifest into needy, clingy.

Wanting more togetherness than they otherwise might had the women been the one to push for it.

I've experienced this with men as I *know* I need more "space" than the average woman does. I don't push for more time, or a RL, sort of just let things happen. Which is very atypical for many women.

And have had some men become insecure because of it, and as a result, they either start playing games OR become needy and clingy. Not sure what's worse!

For your part though, you advise women all the time to maintain strong boundaries so confused as to why you continue to acquiesce when clearly it's not something you wish to do.

Except for tonight of course, which is great except now you feel guilty!

I guess whats needed now (in my opinion) is to have an honest "sit down" and explain to him how you feel, what's comfortable for you, your overall nature re amount of time spent and togetherness.

Long overdue.

P.S It's strange, I often feel uncomfortable giving you advice as you've helped and guided me so much, clearly you are the "smarter" one when it comes to things like this.

But then again, it's often difficult to be objective about our own situations, but I suspect if another woman was posting this, you would give her the same or similar advice I just gave you.

Or maybe not!

In any event, enjoy your "girl's" weekend and try to not feel guilty about tonight or the weekend.

He is a grown man, I am sure he will be just fine tonight and while you're gone.

Have fun!

@Seraphim, not asking them to divulge anything, just wondering if they can block it.

And yes I see you are often the target, I am so sorry, that must not feel good even though you know it's a troll. :(

I am glad you've decided to take some action.

Second vent (apparently Im not in the best mood today ) -- I am trying to make breakfast nachos and I keep burning them!

I am on my 4th batch now, burned three prior. Left in broiler too long. :(

Ugh!

All these TROLLS!!

It's getting f*ing ridiculous.

There's one now, in dating section, trolling away, on several threads, going down the list, one by one.

It's making me not even want to be on here today.

My guess it's the same person. Gets banned, creates new account. Lather rinse repeat.

Isn't there a way to block IP addresses?

Seriously irritating me today!

.

Taken out of context that how it may have sounded. But in the entirety of the conversation it wasn't the message and I don't think he heard that way.

I was specific about him not having to tell me how much he drank or if he enjoyed lounging for the day. .

 

Hope that explains it better.

It wasn't a global remark as you put it.

Yes it does, thanks.

And I figured there was more to the convo, cause I know you and you are definitely NOT an apathetic person and by the way you talk about him, it sounds like you care very much!

I hear you about him being an adult and not having to report to you.

I don't ever want my partner to feel that he needs to "report" to me either (like his prison warden or mother, lol), but at the same time, I do try to foster openness and honesty and that whatever he does choose to do (other than the obvious -> cheating and the like), will be accepted by me without judgment, or negative consequences.

I am not one to be telling my partner what he can and cannot do, as you said, he's an adult, but as I said I do encourage openness and honesty about such things.

That's just how I personally prefer to be in a RL, we all have our own styles, needs and preferences.

To add to last post (too late to edit), I think it's natural to be at least somewhat accountable to each other when in a committed RL, and to care what your partner does; what's important is that each of you know that you won't get "scolded" or negatively judged for it (assuming it's something you are not totally comfortable with like him drinking/partying with his friends).

I would never want my partner to feel that he didn't need to share with me what he does, I care/am interested in what he does, and would hope he cares and is interested in what I do as well. To me, that's what RLs are about, intimacy and sharing.

It sounds to me like he had a wife who treated him more like a misbehaved child than a husband, which would explain why he felt like a kid always in trouble.

Saturday night SL brought up something about his ex and feeling like a little kid always in trouble. I took advantage of the opportunity to say something about it. I don't know if I said it as well as I might have liked to and for that matter I can't even recall what I said.

 

But I did tell him that he isn't accountable to me and he can/should do as he pleases.

 

I am not sure how it was received either, he just got a little quiet.

 

I asked him later if I had said anything to upset him. He just said no and we left it alone.

My late mom used to tell me "it's not what you say, but how you say it."

I agree with her but in this case, and I can only speak for myself, if a serious boyfriend said that to me (and I assume you and SL are serious?), I would interpret that as meaning he doesn't give a *.

Especially the "you can do whatever you please" part.

That attitude sounds a bit apathetic reinvent, although I know you didn't intend for it to.

But that may be why he got quiet. My guess is he felt a bit hurt.

JMO though based on how I would react.

Again, JMO but when in a serious committed RL, isn't it natural to be accountable to each other, and to care what your partner does?

Not suffocatingly so, and allowing each other space is important, but to announce they don't need to be accountable to you at all, and can do as they please, again sounds a bit apathetic.

ETA: But since after you asked him if you had said anything to upset him, and he replied no, apparently he's cool with what you said, so yeah it was best to just leave it alone.