katrina1980

reinvent, frankly I'm trying to figure out what actually bothers you about it.

You know the man adores you, practically worships you, treats you like gold, literally.

He's having some "guy" time, they've had a few too many, and acted silly.

It's fun to get silly sometimes no matter how old we are!

I would consider this a "one off" and let it go.

As far as always being the "cool girl," which I can definitely relate to and have posted about it, that's only a problem when you're "cool" about behaviors that are considered red flags.

Do you consider this a red flag? I don't, but perhaps I'm missing something?

If it were me, I would "allow" him his guy time and if that means indulging in his drink a bit and getting silly, so be it.

If it becomes a pattern, address it then.

That's how I would handle anyway.

But if it really bothers you, then just communicate that to him, the way Batya suggested.

I have a phone built into my car. .

Sweet!

Maybe I should break it :)

I vote for simply asserting your boundaries, but whatever works!

BTW many states have instituted the "no text/talking on cell while driving" law, so reinvent if you live in one of those states (there are like 15 I think, maybe more) that could be an easy fix to 'that' situation.

Giving you a bit of lone time driving to/from work.

I would say "It is fun to talk on the way in to work, and quiet time during my drive also is useful. Do you mind if I cut this conversation short, and we revisit it tonight?"

 

chances are IRL I would say only "I gotta go. I need to focus here."

 

then again, I am single.

Yeah I'm more the "can we talk later, talking while driving distracts me," which is actually the truth! This would have been said the first time he called me. Gotta nip it early, otherwise suspicions arise.

I really dislike talking on phone in general though too.

In Ca, it's actually against the law to text/talk on phone while driving. Even using earbuds is out.

Hefty ticket if caught!

Cute pup. I noticed it earlier. Congrats!

My mom has a Yorkie and we grew up with 3 of them. They own you, bytheway. Not the other way around :)

 

I don't feel guilty at all. Mostly frustrated.

I am just tired of having his conversation. I tend to over sympathize with someone. I get he's alone a lot, but when I first met him I was careful to watch how he conducted his life.

And he is busy, he does have friends and a life of his own. . but being retired is a factor. Even with that he's got a lot of free time, where I have little or none.

He seems to slowly be ramping up for more time and making little comments.

Thanks! She's not a pup though, she's seven! I know she looks like a pup, all Yorkie's do. She's been through A LOT, I may start a thread as we get to know each other better.

I learned all about her from the shelter, I will write more on that later.

I am glad you don't feel guilty, but re feeling frustrated, that's tricky as the resentment can easily turn to loss of attraction.

Not sure if that's standard for everyone, but for me it is.

I understand feeling sympathetic, but it's important to be true to yourself too though, right?

And yeah compromise is important too, but too much compromise from one person isn't healthy either.

Don't lose yourself.

 

I know we had this conversation about time together vs alone time and preferences early on. I've had the same conversation in previous relationships only to find out that people rarely state their needs honestly and will in turn sell me how independent they are. . when they really aren't.

 

So he's done a sort of bait and switch? If so, that isn't fair. I would feel resentful too. Perhaps even a bit turned off.

Perhaps it's time for another conversation?

I did that recently with my bf. Which is interesting because for awhile there, I felt I was one the one becoming too dependent!

But then I got "back to myself" and realized I needed some lone time.

So I talked to him, told him a couple of weeks ago I needed the weekend for myself. Explained why (my nature mostly).

He completely understood!

Since then each of us have no problem telling each other when we need space.

I even adopted a dog! She's mine, she will live with me. Which means less time at his since he has two big black labs.

A Yorkie mix (her photo is my avatar). Love her to death, her name is Bella.

So again perhaps another talk is in order reinvent; I mean needing to keep you company while driving to/from work?

That would drive me nuts personally.

I don't have a car anymore but when I did and did the long commute, I actually enjoyed that time, listening to music, enjoying the drive.

That's ME time; everyone needs that. Please don't feel guilty about it (if you are).

More embarrassing moments.

I was sooooo shy growing up, in the summer after completing third grade, I was at camp. A bunch of us were hanging in the room, watching tv, whatever.

I had to go to the bathroom so badly (only no. 1, lol), but was too shy to go because the bathroom was right off the room and I did not want anyone to hear me.

So I held it in. Well it got so bad that I couldn’t hold it in anymore and as I got up to head into the bathroom, it all came spilling out on to my jeans and floor! Right in front of everyone!

You can imagine my horror I was soooo embarrassed. When we got back to school after camp was over, my classmates were all talking about it and a few even made fun of me.

It took a long time to live that one down.

I’m pretty sure that I just walked down the hallway here at work with my skirt stuck in my pantyhose.

lol, not as bad as walking down the hallway (after leaving rest room) with toilet paper sticking out of your skirt!

Happened to me many years ago, and like reinvent, someone quickly noticed, took me aside and told me.

Whew! I believe I was on a first date with a new guy too! Fortunately he was waiting for me in the hotel bar and never knew.

^I am however physically attracted to him, and the sex is off the charts, so as I said in my post, confusing for me.

I also found myself feeling dependent on him for awhile too, while at the same time, not experiencing that intensity of feeling, which only adds to my confusion.

No need to respond, this is YOUR journal. I may start my own or a separate thread.

I only mentioned this in my post as I thought you could relate but apparently not, which is definitely a good thing!

Katrina, Came back to add. . That intense passion will subside. Do not doubt that. Be sure that what you are left with in its place is something that suites you.

This is where I get to tell you not to settle ;)

reinvent, I think you have misinterpreted my post.

I DON'T feel emotional intensity with my BF I thought that was clear in my post, but apparently not.

He does *not* inspire those feelings in me and am considering ending the relationship because of it.

It's something I need (which I think is ok) and will not settle for less no matter what he does for a living.

Re my bf's vocation, I try to not mention too much for fear of being judged for it, however I *will* own that on some level it did influence me.

But considering the fact that I am thinking of ending the RL after four months, due to his lack of emotional responsiveness, and as such not being "right" for me, it's not influencing me too much.

Thank you for clarifying, my perception of your RL is different since reading it.

Sounds good and solid!

Much happiness reinvent, to both of you!

I'm guessing the 3 little words weren't, "I got Reese's." Sorry, I watch waaay too much TV.

LOL! Tnx, needed a good chuckle right about now.

Been posting all morn; I'm on brain overload at the moment.

@reinvent, you asked me earlier, when describing my bf's lack of emotional expressiveness, if this was the "right" relationship for me.

I immediately responded that I "had" thought about it and it was. Now after questioning it further, I am not so sure but that's another thread.

So now I am going to present the same question to you. Do you think this is really the "right" relationship for you? I know you want it to be, that you think because he's so stable and real, and all these awesome things, you should.

But if you find yourself pulling back at certain times, in this case, when he became emotional when saying ILY, something is off in my opinion.

I know for me I am finding I really do need that intensity of feelings. I don't think there is anything wrong with that!

We are who we are, we need what we need. And I don't think that when we feel that intensity, that passion, and even that "craziness" sometimes, it means the guy or relationship is dysfunctional in some way.

Your ex was, your RL with him was (so was mine) but the two (intensity/dysfunction) don't necessarily go hand in hand. Not always.

I happen to believe one "can" feel that intensity and passion with a great guy and have a great RL.

My relationship with my BF has been a journey. I've been learning a lot, about myself mostly.

I found myself becoming a bit dependent on him for awhile, while at the same time not experiencing that "intensity" of feelings. He is awesome in so many ways, strong, solid, stable, hell he's a doctor! But he just doesn't inspire those emotional feelings in me.

On the other hand, I am very physically attracted to him! So just like you are feeling with your BF, it was (and is) confusing!

I'm taking some "me" time this weekend. My BF is working anyway so he's pretty cool with it.

To be perfectly honest though, I wish he weren't! My sense is he's not, but doesn't want to "rock the boat" or whatever.

Well hell sometimes it's good to rock the boat! It means something's happening!!

So now I am questioning the whole thing. Realizing that no matter how great a guy is, or how "attracted" we are, it's not always enough. I need that intensity, that passion!

And there is nothing wrong with that!

Anyway, not sure if you can relate to this post in any way, but don't settle reinvent. Don't force it because you think you should. You're still relatively young, beautiful, you deserve it all, love, passion, that crazy feeling, and again it doesn't necessarily mean when you feel that, the guy and RL is dysfunctional.

That's been your experience but that was just a coincidence imo, the two do not go hand in hand, not always.

My dad's words about "standing still" with someone were wise but I don't think he meant standing still with someone who doesn't inspire us. Who doesn't elicit strong emotional responses in us. I need that!

That's settling which is never good for anyone.

 

I forgot to mention. .

I got those 3 little words the other day. . and he got teary eyed while saying it. I feel the same but not quite as much as he does it seems.

It's a little confusing for me.

Can you expound on this? What was the context? Were you having intense sex or something? (Apologies if I'm stepping over boundaries asking that.)

It just seems strange to me. I have sometimes become teary-eyed during/after really intense sex; I suppose I shouldn't judge if/when a man does (assuming that was the context), it's just never been my experience. Or him getting teary-eyed when saying ILY.

Not sure how I would feel either tbh.

I forgot to mention. .

 

I just (I keep beginning each sentence with- I) keep comparing it to the incredibly intense feelings I had in my last relationship and it doesn't compare.

I am disappointed that I was so in love with someone so controlling and insecure. But it is what's familiar to me.

But this one is much healthier and much better on so many levels, it's somewhat confusing.

 

"I" am trying to learn from this thinking I may have been attracted to the drama and therefore the love felt much more dramatic and intense?

This one is peaceful, sweet and really easy.

 

I am also feeling myself pull back a little . . it seems to have triggered some of my unavailability traits. Trying to strike a balance.

I hear ya sister, all of it, and oh how I can relate! And yes it is confusing sometimes.

My dad said something to me awhile back that I have never forgotten.

Background: I have always been drawn to "challenging" men and challenging situations. My entire childhood was a challenge!

So perhaps that is why. Like you said, familiar.

When a man/RL wasn't challenging enough, I would lose interest and end it.

My dad said, "Why not consider the challenge "standing still" with a man for awhile, instead of turning off and running off. That may be the biggest challenge you will ever face and one that may very well be the best type of challenge."

Wise advice which I have never forgotten!

ETA: The dilemma for me was that when things became "too" challenging I would run off, and when things weren't challenging "enough," I would run off.

Need to find that balance!

I believe I "am" getting closer to finding it, hope so anyway!

So did you do a 180 or actually a full rotation ;)?

LOL, good catch, a 180 which is what I assumed alchemist meant to say also?

But then again, I have also been known to change my viewpoint (180), but then upon learning even more information, going back to my original viewpoint at which point I have just completed a full rotation (360)!

I see it a lot. Very common misunderstanding.

 

That and people doing "360s" on their viewpoints...

Yeah I am sometimes guilty of that, but only because, as a thread continues, more info from the OP was given providing more insight, changing how I view the situation.

You definitely should start your own journal and I am surprised you haven't already.

You have some pretty, good thought provoking posts.

 

This is good place to exercise them and a little more of controlled and often safer audience :) then in the general forum.

 

I know you mentioned the BP previously. You are a pretty brave young lady, Katrina. Give yourself the credit due.

Thank you! The reason I haven't is because I am an extremely private person; when I first joined these forums (I was a member of two others before joining ENA) it took me almost two years to feel comfortable enough to even start my own thread!

I don't know, even though we are all anonymous it still feels a bit uncomfortable revealing my private thoughts, demons, internal struggles, but reading yours and IamFCA's, I am beginning to feel differently so perhaps I will!

Regarding my own reactions to scenarios such as this, or other scenarios, since meeting and dating my bf (almost four months now) I’ve gone from “shutting down” (suffering in silence) when something troubles or hurts me (like I used to do in my other RLs) to “over-reacting” at least I think so anyway. I don't throw fits or go psycho or anything like that lol, but I do take things to heart and perhaps more seriously than they were meant to be, and I react. I really need to find a balance a happy medium, working on it!

 

 

 

Every situation is different and I've been with those that triggered my worst and then sometimes we are lucky enough to be paired with someone who doesn't.

 

It's not always all on you. It's the two combined and what you bring out in each other.

 

Then sometimes, just one partner can't seem to strike their balance, no matter how hard they try.

 

I know your relationship is rather new as well.

 

It might be a good idea to give some thought to whether or not this is solely on you or maybe relationship itself.

I have and it's definitely ME for sure.

He is awesome, very caring and understanding but his nature is quiet, reflective, self-contained, confident. I am not accustomed to this, I am used to lots of chaos and drama, jealousy, control and distance.

I grew up in that type of environment as well (drama and control from my mom), so it became "familiar" to me in my RLs. I was "comfortable" with it despite it's dysfunction.

This one is different as there is none of that and it's throwing me off a bit. I have questioned it, questioned why he's not more "emotional" about things, about ME.

He responds by saying he does feel emotional about me, of course he does, very much so! But again he's more calm, self-assured and self-contained, which I suppose is an excellent quality being he is an ER doctor, dealing with crisis and trauma all day.

Yes it's early stages still, so I'm still adjusting to all this, but I am confident I will get there! And we are amazingly attracted to each other (not just physically) so it's worth sticking around and exploring our RL (and each other) further.

Also not sure if you know this but I have the added quandary of being bipolar2 (not as severe as bp1 but still presents its challenges) which I manage quite well but it does affect me in certain ways such as how I react to certain situations, etc.

Anyway, this is YOUR thread, not mine, perhaps I will start my own journal detailing my own journey.

I have really been enjoying reading yours and IamFCA's, and I love to write so it would actually be a perfect outlet for me to explore my feelings, etc.

^Thanks reinvent, and yeah our respective situations were/are quite different.

Not sure why but was under the impression you had never met this girl before; you knew of her because you saw texts/photos coming in but had never met her or seen SL and her interact together.

So yeah they’re friends, which is cool. Re her jumping into his arms, well yeah a bit unsettling but you and SL discussed, and resolved which is fabulous. No drama, just a short brief discussion, and then it's over. Man how I envy that.

Re my own reactions to scenarios such as this, or other scenarios, since meeting and dating my bf (almost four months now) I’ve gone from “shutting down” (suffering in silence) when something troubles or hurts me (like I used to do in my other RLs) to “over-reacting” at least I think so anyway. I don't throw fits or go psycho or anything like that lol, but I do take things to heart and perhaps more seriously than they were meant to be, and I react.

I really need to find a balance a happy medium, working on it!

The good news is I am very self-aware so I’ll get there eventually, plus I have a very cool and understanding bf who gets me pretty well and is actually happy I am so open versus shutting down like I used to in prior RLs.

Some might say we even complement each other in that regard (i.e. I am very emotional and expressive and he's not).

He is definitely more of the "strong silent type" which is probably a good thing (opposites attracting and all that) but still trying to acclimate myself to his nature as it's quite different from what I have experienced in my previous RLs.

^Apologies guys, I had a few drinks before writing that, so if it sounds like a bit of a ramble, that's why. lol

I meant well.

Hi reinvent, while walking home from drinks with a gf tonight, I got to thinking more about what you said earlier about SL dating a woman 15 years younger and what that might say about him.

Not sure if that was all that concerned you but, in any event, allow me share my thoughts.

I really admire how you handled things today. I will admit it is not how I would have handled it, but will get into that later in this post.

I have no doubt SL appreciated how calmly and maturely you approached him with this too. You are clearly very much in control of your own emotions and reactions; not sure if this comes with age, wisdom, experience perhaps all three, but again I very much admire you for it.

Now me? I am 20 years younger (a younger woman) and I can tell you in all honesty I would not have been as calm and cool as you. Hardly!

Knowing myself and how emotional I can be, imagining myself in this same scenario, I would have gone inside, gotten my things and left! And left them to it. Imagining the worst.

Not proud of that, and I am working on being less reactionary, but hell another woman jumping into my boyfriend's arms screaming I missed you?

No that is not something I could ever remain cool and calm about. Not at this point in time anyway. Just being honest.

No doubt this would have caused major drama, which he would NOT have appreciated and perhaps even turned him off.

So, my point is this is precisely why 58 year old men don't always wish to date "younger" women.

We are emotional. We are reactionary. We can cause unnecessary drama. In short sometimes we can be a real pain in the a$$! lol

We don't mean to, but we still have a ways to go before getting to place wherein we can become less emotional and reactionary in the moment.

I would assume again this comes with age, wisdom and more experience; I don't know, but sure looking forward to getting there, cause I hate being so reactionary. Hate hate hate it.

reinvent, you are a gem and so is SL. I am glad you found each other!

I don't think you ever have to worry or be concerned about him going anywhere other than where he is right now, with you.

That's brilliant. Love it. I think you have a keeper there!

Agree!!!

And especially your response:

>>I countered back that I encourage him to keep his friends but to please aware of the line between being appropriate and inappropriate with opposite sex friends.

If you don't mind if I ever find myself in a situation like you just experienced, gonna steal that line from you!! Sheer perfection.

I seriously doubt anything is going on. He sounds like he is easy-going guy. I would let it go.

"Let go" another woman jumping into his arms? And then him continuing to hang out with her after you (his girlfriend) went inside?

Really?

Wow, ok.

she's 43. He's 58.

 

I am thinking my opening question will be to ask if he 'felt at all uncomfortable with the fact that M pushed past T and I to squeal and jump in his arms?

 

43? Okay that's weird. I thought from the way you explained it, she was 23.

Not telling you what to do, but if it were me I would tell him how uncomfortable it made ME feel? And why.

And then wait for him to respond.

Yes, he has poor boundaries (at least concerning this situation) but this should be more about your feelings, not his.

Once you've opened that door, explained how you felt, the rest (his feelings, his boundaries, your boundaries) will follow.