strawberrygirl

thanks for your input Trish. It is helpful and I appreciate you taking the time. I guess I can just keep going as I am until something doesn't feel right anymore. A close friend of mine once told me "if you don't know what to do, do nothing at all. eventually you will know". i guess i'm looking for "the answer" and unfortunately I don't know that there is one.

I could use some advise. Long story short. My ex bf and I broke up 9 months ago (we went out for over a year and a half). We live in a small community only about 1/2 mile apart from one another. I've tried NC to the best of my ability but it's so hard because we have so many great mutual friends. My friends are always doing great things together and they are very dear to me. The down side is my ex is a part of that group so I see him around. As a result, we've been doing a little (not often) back and forth stuff for 9 months. We had an amazing relationship, he told me over and over that I have everything he could ever want. I really believed that our relationship was everything one could ever want. But when things got ultimately serious, he freaked out about long term committment (though I never brought it up or pushed. He put the pressure on himself). So I pulled back and we broke up because I felt that he needed to figure out what he wanted. I have on many occasions stayed away from our friends knowing that he'd be there but that is so hard and painful. And lonely. A double whammy - not only have I lost him (which has been excruciating), but some close friends as well. I have also been around the group when he's there and that's painful as well, and on occasion it leads me to doing things I know I shouldn't do. At thins point, when I see him I act casual, try to have fun, be confident, and just be part of the group. I want him to see that I'd doing well and am happy. Which is what he sees. But in reality this is really hard and feelings come rushing back and I get vulnerable. I can tell he still cares a great deal and misses me (he tells me), but he is still riding that fence. Am I making things too easy for him by being around? Does this evoke a continued sense of comfort for him or a sense of longing? I'm stuck. Any advice on how to go about this?

I think the main point (which is what hit home for me) is that we deserve the very best, and not to settle for any less then that. I think especially for us women, we tend to find excuses for why the man is not ready or doesn't want us, and we sacrifice our own needs. Yes the book was written by a comedian and sex in the city writer but so what?? It's a real males perspective on what may really be going on in their heads. What their words mean, yet what their actions mean. I think for some of us, it's a viable reality check. And I found him quite complementary to women. Also, I think the other thing it did to me was to push me to really focus on ME and take care of ME. Rather then the ex. I think that really is the key for recovery. The by product could well be that the ex realizes what he's lost. In the end it's a win win. Because regardless of whether or not you get back with your ex, you have taken care of you. I appreciate the male perspective, so if any more of you are reading this I'd appreciate your input.

Anyone out there read this book yet (it's written for gals, but i think guys get something out of it too)? It's a great slap into reality (and a fun read too). Seriously, what are we doing? Conspiring on how to get back the one we love? Debating about NC and limited NC and blah blah, just to get that ONE back. That one that has hurt us so deeply, rejected us, turned us away. And yes, there are many valid reasons. But.... But in the end, the bottom line is if we were as important to them as they are to us, we would still be together. Because we are WORTH it, and the risk of the loss of us would be too great. Yes? So really what is the bottom line? That "they are just not that into you", really is the bottom line. And you know what else? That is their loss. Because you are wonderful, and worthwhile, and special. Believe that and embrace it. And smile because someone else will know that too one day. Perhaps your ex will realize this and perhaps they won't be too late. But don't wait. Move forward and embrace life and always always remind yourself that YOU ARE WORTH THE WHOLE BALL OF WAX MY FRIENDS! Do not short change yourselves. It took me so long to get this straight because I like you have suffered great loss and have tried it all to work things out (space, no space. being friends, not being friends, etc.). I finally realized that nothing I do will change things. Nothing I do in regards to trying to get back the one I love. What DOES work is my work on myself, my integrity, and my esteem. Which I have regained. And it feels good. Do I still love him with all my heart? Do I want him back. Sure. Of course. But I can't make him want me back. Only he can realize or not, and only on his own (and yes patience is a virtue, but it works. seems like as soon as I started feeling good, he started nosing around). But I also love me, and if he's just not that into me, well later then. I think that at the end of it all, what is meant to be will be. Meanwhile, don't settle for less than you deserve because you deserve the WORLD. So go out and have some fun, and remember what an amazing person you are! The rest will fall into place...