Ermm Ok. I just need some advice on what to do with my life. I am seriously confused about whats going on and I have no one to talk to.
Well it all started a few years back in school. For no reason all of my friends deserted me and I was left with nothing (I did nothing to them to make them leave me). I got really depressed about it and went to the doctors etc. And I learned to cope with things on my own without friends or anyone to talk to. A few weeks ago I finished school which I was really happy about... But then I started to get messages from this girl that lives near me (she got my e-mail from someone a while ago).
Well anyway she kept asking me to come out and I just kept saying no (this isn't because I didn't like her its because I stopped going out when I lost my friends). She wouldn't give up on me going out, so I decided to meet her because I was being a bit rude to her by not going out. Then I started to make new friends because I was going out a lot more, and I was quite happy.
A few days later I admitted that I really really liked the girl and she said she felt the same way, and told me that she had been flirting with me for a long time (but I didn't notice because I am not good at stuff like that). I was really really happy at this point, I had friends again, people I could talk to, a girl that really likes me. I could trust this girl with anything - I told her how depressed I got and stuff and she said she got depressed too because of things in her life. We kept flirting and stuff until a few days later when there was a party. I wasn't invited to the party but it was basically 30+ people in a huge house getting drunk, typical teenage party. At the party the girl got drunk and made out with this other person. She told me about it, she told me he was cute and stuff, but she didn't like him that much and didn't mean to make out with him. I was fine with this because she told me that it didn't mean anything. Later on that night the guy she made out with at the party kept bugging her and asking her to be his girlfriend. She told me she was cutting herself because of it, and she is feeling really depressed because this guy wouldn't leave her alone.
The next day I met with the girl and we went round a friends house, and whilst we were watching a movie she reached out for my hand and held it, and every time we was alone in the room she kissed me. This is all great but it goes really bad... This is because the next day she was going to France for just over a week. She told me later that night that because of the way I reacted she thought I didn't like her when she kissed me.. I told her that I do really like her its just the first time with stuff like this, so I wasn't really good at it. Then later that night she said that she really like the other guy she made out with at the party (this really hurt me). She also told me she likes me as well, but she likes me equally. And then later on she started treating our relationship like a game. She was saying things like who can ever tell me the best chat up line wins and stuff which I was quite offended at because my feelings were really hurt at the time. Then later on she told me she is going to try it with the other guy which I was really upset about because from the day before I thought she didn't like him, but then she said she likes him more than me which really confused me.
Anyways the next day she left for France - we spoke a lot on the phone for the first few days, she explained how she really still like me and told me not to be upset and stuff. I felt really bad, and then the other guy told me that they were girlfriend and boyfriend (which was a lie). And told her I given up because I don't want to annoy her now she is with the other guy. She got really annoyed at me and told me that she wasn't even with the other guy and that I lost my chance with her. I was upset and said sorry, but we didn't speak for a few days. Then whilst she was still in France I got a message saying that she can't stop thinking about me and that she wants to fall asleep in my arms and stuff like that. I felt better when she said this because it was like she likes me again. She got back from France and didn't go to see the other guy she came to see me and we were alone for the first time. She hugged me then kissed me properly not like before I didn't hesitate I kissed back, because this time I didn't want her to think I didn't like her. We then watched a movie, we were constantly kissing lol. It was great, I had friends, people to talk to and a girl. She told me she didn't want a boyfriend girlfriend relationship, but she still wanted to be with me.
A few hours later we went to meet some of her friends with the other guy she liked. And it was like I wasn't even there. I was upset she just ignored me and kept wondering off with the other guy she told me they were just talking, but they kept wondering off every 5 minutes to be alone. It was like what happened earlier on that day meant nothing to her. I explained to her how I felt and she told me there is nothing to worry about her and the other guy did nothing. The next day she was similar she asked me to come out, but just ignored me and kept walking off it was like I did something wrong, but I did nothing. Later on that day we went to a 'gig' this is were local rock bands (emo, heavy metal etc.) perform. I went to meet her outside and we spoke like normal. This is where everything went really really bad. When I arrived she didn't walk up to meet me, but when the other guy arrived she went to meet him, and he was with a friend and I was alone. We eventually went in and sat down. She sat next to the other guy not me and they started holding hands. Whispering in each others ears right in front of me! Then they made out in front of me! I stormed out at about 11pm and went into town to calm down I was so upset. I really wanted to die, its like everything I have done meant nothing. I went back to the place to talk to her, but she was annoyed with because of what I did. She told me I lost my chance and she might go with this other person. I stayed the rest of the night, and she left the place with the other guy and left me in the club by myself. I followed them through town and saw them hugging, kissing and holding hands. Everything was wrong, nothing was right I was so upset. I guess the worst part.
But the story continues.
I spoke to her later that night on my computer and she told that they had a relationship now... I was quite upset and I asked her why because she told me she didn't want one, but she told me the other guy has been through what she has been through. She got annoyed at me and told me I was making her feel guilty about her decision on purpose and just stopped speaking to me. The next day she rang me to ask if we were still friends and I said yes. We then fell out. She shouted at me and stuff, and I told her she had no right to mess around with my feelings and emotions. She said I was unfair to say that then we didn't speak for a while. During this time I started to vandalise stuff with other people. Like kicking in cars, throwing stuff at houses, just damaging stuff in general. I did this because I was so depressed, its the only way I could stop thinking about how much I missed this girl.
We eventually started talking again, I saw her out a bit, but I didn't really hang around with her because I had my own friends now, and she didn't really want to hang around with me. Then a few days ago she seemed to be going off this guy, which I wasn't too surprised about. She started to get flirty with me again, I guess I was sorta flirting back but not as much as she was. She told me she split up with the other guy and she wanted to meet me, I guess I was happy because she came back to me. But I realized something... I was gonna get hurt again, I knew that she would act like before. So I told her that she should try and get back together with the other guy (also the reasons they split up where really bad reasons, the other guy still really liked her you could tell). I told her that she should get back together with the other guy and they eventually did.
I really really like this girl, I know she likes me.. What should I do, try? I know I will succeed with her, its just that I know I will get hurt as well, which is something I really don't want to go through again. Someone help me out what should I do about this girl!! Its driving me crazy, I think I do love her, but I don't know why... Is it worth it to try? Or is she the kind of girl that will just put me in pain again?
